Brunch averted

Thanks for the feedback on my last post.  It is always nice to know that I am not the only one who just scurries out to avoid a meal/drink/happy hour event even when in recovery.  I think the whole social thing is one that doesn't seem to be as discussed with eating disorders.  But EDs are very isolating, so I think talking about our social anxieties is very important in recovery.

So everyone is wondering how did the run and brunch go?  Well, run went well.  I talked with a girl towards the end of our route.  However, afterwards, many ducked out and left.  I think part of this was because the e-mail that went out the night before, failed to mention the brunch, despite the organizer talking about it last weekend and on Wednesday.  I stayed an additional 1 1/2 hours, chatting and waiting for the second group to come back.  Realizing that no one else was staying, I left too.

Part of me thought, yeah, I did not have to worry about the challenge of eating essentially two breakfasts in a short period of time, but another part of me had already geared myself up for the experience.  Oh well, until next time, right?  One fun aspect was getting to know some of the other people, like their name, though apparently one guy does not tell many people his real name.  The girl running with me asked someone else, and told her what it was.  Thus, blowing the guy's cover.  I haven't figured that one out yet, but he seems like a cool guy nonetheless, camos and all.  (yes, he runs in camouflage pants; apparently last year he ran a marathon in combat boots and used to have duct taped running shoes until they convinced him to buy a real pair of running shoes)

On another note, many of them talked about the happy hour on Wednesday.  Apparently, there were 11-12 of them, and they had a good time.  It sucks my anxiety caused me to miss out on it, but no use in beating myself up over it.  It's still relatively early in the year, and there will be other opportunities.  Now, it's just me sticking to it and not backing out.  It's easy to say afterwards that I will not back out and do this event, etc., but when push comes to shove, and you are in that moment, it can become a lot easier to make up an excuse, sad to say.  Keep me on my toes, my friends.  It's good accountability for us all.

How has your social anxiety hindered you? Have you found it has gotten easier in recovery?  What is a social challenge you have overcome recently?  Share your thoughts in the comments section.

Overwhelmed!

Despite having so many successes with challenges lately, I'm feeling very overwhelmed with everything. I just feel like it never ends, and something else comes up. It's either that or that everything just has horrible timing!

*Baxter is not doing well. He was doing well last week and making small improvements. I thought we ere having a breakthrough finally. Then on Sunday, he began going downhill fast. His last meal was Sun. AM. He has not eaten since then nor taken in fluids other than my syringe fulls of water and gatorade which were not too successful today. Right now, we're treating the dehydration, hoping it makes him feel better. I'm experimenting with foods too to try to get him to eat. It is like he is too weak to even eat, and he is down 4 pounds from a week ago.

*My vet is getting married (yeah for her!) and going on her honeymoon for ten days. I'm very happy for her but hate that she is gone for so long. She has a replacement, but I've never met him. Supposedly, he is good though. My boss and I are also taking care of her two dogs while she is gone. The positive is that it gives Tovah some dogs to play with since one of them is apparently very playful.

*My boss suddenly had to be gone from yesterday to Thursday to do stuff at her dad's. I'll be taking care of her dogs while she is gone.

*The glass guy is coming tomorrow. He is replacing many windows and will be here most of the day. I have put this off, but the guy really wants it to be done. He is afraid the glass is going to break.

*I really need to take my computers in to get them repaired. It's been trouble finding time.

*I haven't gotten as much done work wise which makes me feel like I'm being unproductive.

*Financially, I'm super stressed. I know there is a big transition period, but it is so rough right now. I hate going over my cell phone minutes, but people seem to get upset when I tell them they really need to call me after 9 PM. Then, there are other bills that were more than I expected.

*My family keeps asking me what I want for Christmas. Of course, this is all in good spirits, but Christmas is the last thing on my mind!

*I'm feeling fat and have had a few small "binge" episodes.

*I haven't had therapy since like Sept., and I am pretty sure she just wants to close my file. An hour wouldn't even be sufficient in getting through all that has happened. I don't think snail mailing counts, and I really don't have the time to drive back and forth for 80 min. each way plus an hour of therapy right now.

I know ultimately I just need to get through this time period in one piece and remind myself it is not forever--that everything will smooth out eventually. Gee, I really hope so, because I can imagine myself getting some premature gray hair.

Socializing times

Lately, I haven't talked much about how my socialization goals were going. At the beginning of the year, the goal was to get out and socialize more with people which also included lessening the food anxiety. Some of you might remember these socialization posts:

Friday night socialization
When you don't know what you're having for dinner
Dinner update which follows previous post
Spontaneous moment with pizza
Adventures in spontaneity

Now of course, you don't have to read all these posts, they just give an idea of where I have been on the socialization/food anxiety scale. Socialization scale low, anxiety high.

Since April, I've had at least one social get-together with various friends a month. They've mostly been outings for lunch or dinner with general visits attached. On all these occasions, I've actually had some lower anxiety while also enjoying the company. It's not that I didn't like hanging out with my friends before, but rather that there was always a glass ceiling type effect. I'd get to a certain point, but then find it difficult to shatter the glass and breakthrough to a place of real enjoyable-ness. Instead, I was still too worried over the food or their perceptions of me.

The last few social outings consisted of Thai dinner with a friend whom I had not seen in awhile and several visits with with a another friend, K. where we've had Chinese buffet and Indian food. Today, I'm having brunch with another friend whom I have not seen in awhile, and next week, possibly dinner with someone else. I'm excited about both outings and hope to be able to catch up in general conversation with them.

So slowly, I'm learning to let go of some of the anxiety. There is no longer a feeling of dread or how I'm going to look, even on those days when my body image is very poor. It's like that Nike commercial of "Just Do It."

This is not to say that I'm completely care-free over social outings with food. I'm finding a lot really depends on the company (still have issues with strangers or people I do not know well) and that it is more on my terms. But as with everything, it's all a learning process with that nice little bell curve.

Once again, procrastination taking its toll

I leave for my trip next Monday, but once again, I'm in procrastination mode. Despite having gotten a lot done yesterday, I still have a ton more to do. I write an exuberant amount of lists, telling myself I'm going to get this, this, and this done, but when push comes to shove, I sit and read articles online, always afraid of missing the latest, current breakthrough, play mah jong on my blackberry, play farmtown on facebook (yes, it's the one application I'm addicted to on there), and continuously worry and make up scenarios in my head of what will happen next week, etc.

Basically, I'm doing everything BUT the things I really need to get done. I seem to continue to think that I must have all my laundry done, the house clean, my dogs' nails dremeled, and my yards (there are three large areas) nice and neatly trimmed (kind of hard with the consistent pouring of rain we've had lately). Really, most of these are things that can be put off for the moment, but my mind seems to feel these mundane tasks MUST be done.

It seems my procrastination voice is similar to my ED voice in that when I'm not getting the things that I know I should get done, I berate myself for not getting them done. It's such a vicious, petty cycle.

Other factors that may be playing into my worries include:

Baxter's diarrhea since last Wed. It is getting better, but I worry it will come back next week. I debate on whether to actually go to the vet since I really don't think it really justifies a vet visit, just some "in case" medication.

My mother's un-helpfulness. I keep asking her if events are planned. She just says not really and that everyone does their own thing except at night when people get together. Obviously, I feel I need "structure." That, and I've been trying to figure out plans of getting together with people. I had forgotten I actually do know a lot of people in Florida. They're unfortunately, on the other side of the state, so it is doubtful I'll get to visit.

Major body woes. I think over the last month or so, I've gotten extremely fatter. I know, it's just my distorted thinking, but it's how I'm feeling at the moment. This just causes huge anxiety not only with my body but over food as well. Other times, when I'm feeling "okay," this is not as bothersome.

And lastly, I'm trying to figure out just where I have gotten all these mysterious bites. It seems I'll be taking my jar of bag balm with me. (Just a note, I've found bag balm incredibly effective for anti-itching. Slightly greasy but worth it in my opinion)

Okay, end of vent.

Note--*By the way, procrastination is not new to me. I've written about it here and here. I guess I'm at least consistent. :-/

Obsessed

After I watched Intervention on Monday, I watched the following show, Obsessed, a new docuseries from the creators of Intervention. From the website:

A&E's true-life docuseries Obsessed examines the lives of everyday people imprisoned by unmanageable, repetitive behaviors and sometimes debilitating fear. Whether it is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Panic Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder, Hoarding or a variety of phobias, the unscripted series gives viewers a chance to see first-hand how an obsession can radically affect a person's life. By using cognitive behavioral therapy, each subject is taught how to understand the thought process which contributes to his or her symptoms and is coached on how to change these thought patterns, manage their anxiety and avoid the resulting debilitating compulsions. The show explores the stories of sufferers as well as the adverse effects their disorders have on their friends and family.

I normally don't quote as much as I did there, but I thought this show really captured all these elements so nicely, at least in this episode I watched. I'll try to give a brief synopsis of the two characters. (Brevity is not my forte)

Case 1: Nidia is in her late 20s, has been married for eight years, and suffers from OCD, manifesting in the form of excessive hand washing and showering due to fears of germs, "cleanliness," and fecal matter. She rarely goes out of her house, avoids foods with fiber, like vegetables, and has daily rituals. The most pronounced and dangerous are her shower rituals which take anywhere from 1-3 hours, always after a bowel movement. She has literally scraped the insides of herself through use of instruments in order to feel "clean" enough. On several occasions, she has had to go to the ER due to severe blood loss.

Case 2: Rick is in his late 40s, is married, has one daughter, is working on a novel, and in general very "mathematical" and obsessed with numbers. He has several compulsions, like spinning in only one direction, adding up numbers on a license plate, however, his excessive exercise has hindered him the most. Rick's exercise habits started as a way to become healthier. He felt the more he did, meaning multiple times a day, the healthier he would become. Because his root fear was in aging and death, he felt like if he could control X and Y, he would obtain the outcome of Z that he wanted. Along with the exercise, he takes 40+ pills/supplements a day in the name of "health." He has not missed a workout since 1997.

Both of these individuals sought treatment, realizing how much they and their loved ones were suffering. With Nidia, her marriage was at a "rocky" point due to her OCD. Although her husband loved her and tried to be supportive, he felt frustrated in not being able to help her. Nidia's OCD was affecting the life both of them had envisioned and wanted together.

With Rick, he was missing out on spending time with his family and not being as productive as he wanted with his writing.

The treatment for both of them was exposure therapy, a type of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with the purpose of reducing anxiety by exposing the individuals to their specific fears gradually. Although exposure therapy has been successful, especially for those suffering from OCD, it is not for everyone either.

Both Nidia and Rick received 12 weeks of exposure therapy. The hope was for them to not only face their fears, but also to "sit" with their feelings, gradually reducing the anxiety. Though both had difficulties, Nidia had more success with hers. She learned to overcome her fear of germs through picnic and nature outings.She learned to lessen her shower rituals and feel okay about not being "clean" enough. In the end, her marriage stayed intact, and she was no longer imprisoned by her OCD.

For Rick, he was successful in eliminating his spinning and reducing the number of times he exercised to a point. He and his therapist disagreed on the criteria of "excessive," but Rick truly felt like he had accomplished quite a bit in a short period of time. He found he had more time to spend with his family, however, his wife still felt like he had somewhat of a problem.

Personally, I found myself relating to both of these individuals. With Nidia, the thought she deserved to be in pain was heartbreaking to hear, yet so familiar. With Rick, his ambivalence of wanting to reduce his exercise but not give it up completely was familiar as well. Something else he said was that feared dealing with his issues, because he was afraid of finding out who he was. That deeply struck a chord with me.

Besides these relatable factors, what I liked most about this episode was how it showed the crippling effects of living with OCD and obsessive thoughts. I think people tend to forget it isn't just about performing a compulsive behavior repetitively, but rather that there is far more to it--that these individuals are severely suffering.. I'm sure a lot of us can certainly empathize or sympathize, but I'm not sure how much of the general audience can. This reminds me a lot of the people who tell victims of eating disorders to "Just eat," "just stop purging," "just don't exercise," etc. Unfortunately, if we could completely, and our brains worked with wondrous off/on switches, well, we'd all be cured then!

Any thoughts on this show? Do you think there is still misinformation out there on illnesses like OCD or other anxiety disorders?

Upcoming family vacation

In exactly two weeks, I'll be attending a week long family reunion event. Actually, it's a family reunion for everyone else, but for me, it's more like meeting dozens of strangers. I'm trying hard not to go into flip-out mode, but this, along with other issues on my mind (another post) kick my anxiety into high gear.

Normally, I don't even do "family" vacations. But since, my mother and her husband have been haranguing me to go for the last three years (I politely declined each offer), I thought I'd at least make an effort this time. I have been reassured that there will be people my age, and that there won't be a lot of kum-ba-ya moments. Although I did hear, one aunt is apparently trying to organize everything, including making sure everyone has each other's phone numbers and addresses. It could be worse if she wanted to have everyone wear t-shirts with "C._____ family reunion."

So why am I so worried?
1) a bunch of strangers whom I know nothing about
2) visiting with my step-sister/sharing a room which may feel awkward
3) change of routine/eating habits
4) feeling very out of shape/disgusted with my body
5) general stress
6) no real escape

I'm trying hard to look at the positive--that this could be a great experience, that I'll meet interesting people, that people really won't give a hoot about my appearance, that I really can be okay in awkward feeling situations, etc.

Okay, time for more self-talk. Maybe in two weeks time, I'll feel slightly more optimistic.

Fortune cookies

The last several days I've had a lot of "interesting" things happen. All are things that could be explained by mere coincidence, but they could be something else too depending on how you look at it. For example, today, I had a the door open to the backyard for the dogs, and a bird flew in. It circled around for a moment, enough for Tovah to notice and look up, and then it flew out. I've had birds fly in before, but it is fairly rare.

Then, yesterday, I met with my friend K. We hung out at the mall, talked, and had dinner at the Asian Buffet. Neither she nor her husband wanted their fortune cookies, so I took one. My first fortune was the bottom one in the photo.

K. and I laughed about this, because of our conversation literally right before dinner. Unfortunately, I can't go into details about the conversation, but it is really a BIG thing for me.

When I got home, I decided for the heck of it to open the other two fortune cookies. Those were the first two in the photo. I told K. about this as well, and she just giggled.

Truly, I'm not some person who believes you can make symbolism out of every single thing. Heck, most fortune cookies have no relation to you whatsoever. I always remember the one my father got once which read 60% cotton, 40% rayon. WTF was that supposed to mean? Seriously, my theory has always been that there are probably only 24 or so fortunes in a box, just all recirculated. Thus, I've always read fortune cookies with a grain of salt in truth

This time, the fortunes seem slightly different because of the context of my life and the conversation K. and I had. I just keep thinking that perhaps the universe in all its bizarre ways is trying to tell me something. And that maybe this time, I need to listen to it. It's just that listening to it is really scary as all those words like change, fear, success, failure all arise.

Note--Did you know that fortune cookies did not originate in China but rather Japan? story here
Also, if you want more facts about fortune cookies, read The Fortune Cookie Chronicles by Jennifer 8. Lee

Blog writing and the connection of emotions

Some of you know that I've been working on some trauma-related issues in therapy (read here, here, and here). Currently, I'm on exercises five and six of this CBT approach my therapist and I are using. In the last two exercises, the assignments were to write in detail a traumatic incident, focusing on sensory perceptions, like sight, sound, and smell, as well as the feelings you felt. At first, I procrastinated the assignments (okay, still have a tendency to), but I find that once I make myself write, the words easily flow to the page.

During each session, I am supposed to read aloud my account. I think in some ways this causes me more anxiety than the actual writing bit. The first time I did this, I was incredibly nervous and read through it like some maniac in a speed reading contest. C. noticed this and asked if I could reread it and try to "feel" the emotions. The second time around, I still didn't really "feel" the emotions, but apparently, it must have affected me more than I thought. Right after I left, I had what I call mini panic attacks. It's not the first time this has happened when broaching this subject, and it will unlikely be the last.

At this last session, I knew I would have to read aloud what I had written. I had already warned C. that I didn't remember a lot of sensory type details, only the facts of what happened. After listening, C. said she felt like she was listening to a story. In essence that it really wasn't me, my story. This is very typical "dissociation"-like behavior that many of us do when we are hurt or something is too painful to cope with/discuss. And I'm certainly not immune to it. Even in the past, various specialists have told me that I talk about the ED in a third person-esque tone, despite using "I" statements. So obviously, I'm pretty good at this technique, albeit it is not the best at times.

Then, C. posed a theory, saying "I wonder if this could be related to your blog writing--that you're so used to that type of writing you aren't fully able to connect with the emotions."

In some ways, this could be a possibility. When I blog (though it is ultimately for myself), I am well aware that I am writing to an audience. Even though I talk about my feelings and emotions, there is still a kind of guardrail. This is improvement from a ten-foot tall wall which would have surrounded me years ago, but the guardrail continues to leave an element of distance, of protection of sorts. Sometimes, I wish I could be like other bloggers and be raw, intense, thought provocative, really displaying my emotions. I'm not saying that I haven't at times, because I'm sure if I look back through the archives, there are some that tug at the core. Most times, I think it is more due to insecurities, but that is a post for another day.

C. thinks that maybe we should drop the writing a bit and try to "talk," that maybe that way I could feel more of the emotions. While this is true, this does lend to feeling more emotions in a sense, it also is very hard for me to talk about (10+ years of never really talking about it). The last time I tried, I went into a dissociation state, almost shutting down in therapy and then reverted to a bad ED cycle of restriction and what felt like effortless running.

So I don't know what to tell C. I'm really not sure how to completely "let go" if you want to call it that. Maybe dealing with this crap trauma issues is just not for me. Maybe I'll never really be able to be in a full, complete, intimate relationship with another human being. Or then, there is the theory that maybe I'm just unwilling to push the envelope, too scared to see what is inside.

Curious do any of you feel like blog writing deters you from connecting with your emotions, or does it do the opposite and enhance it? Or has it not changed a thing?

Note:--*image is from Garden State Highway Products, a company who supplies traffic signs and safety products. I liked this image since it shows a guardrail around a dangerous curve, something I can metaphorically speak of.

The irony of math

As I read this recent study on college students and mathematical anxiety, it reminded me of me. Growing up, math grew to be my least favorite subject. Whether it was due to disliking the subject or because it wound up becoming my weakest, is hard to say. I think my worst fear was being called up to the blackboard to calculate a problem and being WRONG. Sometimes I was, sometimes I wasn't, but whatever happened, I never gained any confidence in math.

Then, in college, I took a calculus course my freshman year. I barely passed. It was my worst grade in college and significantly dropped my GPA. I had to work incredibly hard to bring it back up. In retrospect, I know I should have retaken the class with a different professor, but both my pride and hatred of math stopped me at the time. After that, I really developed a phobia to math and now the thought of taking any standardized test in that subject just nauseates me.

What I find incredibly ironic about all this is how math has become an essential part of my life the last 13 years via the eating disorder. Hasn't this been the case for many of us despite whether you may consider yourself a "sciencey" person or an "artsy" person?

The problems like" if Jane is X height, and her brother, Jeff, is 4 inches taller, and Jane's friend Sarah is two inches shorter than Jane, how tall is Sarah," are no longer relevant. Instead, it's "if I eat X amount of calories in this food, and Y number in this food, then I need to exercise this amount to burn X + Y amount. And if I don't make that amount, then I need to subtract X calories of food for tomorrow."

Does this sound familiar?

We all know weights, calories, sizes, repetitions, etc. are all numbers. But did we ever think of it as math (though our bodies do not necessarily work on a linear system)? I guess it feels so juxtaposing to me since I have such a dislike for the subject.

The other thing thing is that if you look at a description of mathematical anxiety, it says (according to the article above), "Mathematical anxiety appears through a series of symptoms "such as tension, nervousness, concern, worry, edginess, impatience, confusion, fear and mental block" when dealing with the subject of mathematics."

Anyone see else how the substitution for "eating disorder around food" could be found in that description?
Do other people see the irony in this? Are there other math phobic people out there who also gravitate towards numbers?

Existential anxiety

This week has been a fairly ho-hum kind of week. Of course, compared to revealing secrets last week, anything is considered more tame. Surprisingly, however, I've managed better than I anticipated. In my other attempts to get past this particular secret/issue, it would leave me headed for a downward spiral. So the fact that I haven't gotten too disorderly is a positive sign. But then again, maybe I have some of other issues that are stirring in my mind.

Last Friday, I had an interesting talk with a client who happens to be a former professor of mine. We got into talking about the new undergraduate degree in gender and women's studies which is slated for approval in the fall. I had been thinking of possibly getting this degree since I already have 12 hours in the department, just didn't finish my actual minor in college.

I expressed my concern to P. would be how could the degree help me for a future purpose. She rattled off some ideas, and then said, "if you were to close your eyes, how do you see yourself in the world? What is your purpose in the world?"

Although P. asked this in the nicest, thought provoking way as possible, it was still probably one of the worst questions to ask me. My simple answer is an "I don't know." This answer is better than a few years ago where I couldn't even envision myself in the future at all. Yet still, I struggle with what am I supposed to do with my life? What is my purpose? How do I really go about finding it? Where does my passion really lie?

I've read a number of books about overcoming your quarterlife crisis, trying to find what it is in life you enjoy, stories of other people recreating an enjoyable life for themselves that isn't stuck behind some CEO job, etc.

Yet again, I get lost in it all, feeling overwhelmed, feeling like I'll never figure it out at all due to some existential anxiety/crisis of sorts. I know I'm certainly not the only one in the same boat. So many people question themselves about this at one point or another in their life. Why is it even when you get to this point, you continue to feel like you are the only one who will fail at this?

Right now, P.'s question just keeps replaying over and over in my head like a broken tape recorder. I don't know which is better to be honest--thinking about horrible crap from the past which is depressing, shameful, guilt-ridden or thinking about the future which just creates loads of anxiety.

So that's where I'm at this week. The one good thing out of discussing this with P. was that she said she would try to help me in any way possible and that she is my cheerleader. What a sweet thing to say!

On another note, it's good I have a therapy appointment on Monday. I can't remember if I mentioned that I brought Tovah with me at my last session. She did stellar! This week, I'm bringing Baxter.

*Here is an interesting study on the Role of Existential Anxiety in Anorexia Nervosa. I don't necessarily agree with all of it but food for thought anyway.
Here is also a cyber sermon about existential angst from James Park at U. of Minnesota. Personally, I can relate to a lot of what he says in this prsentation, however, at the same time, it feels over the top too?

Invasion of...

I only learned this last week, but now my anxiety has arose. Any guesses?

Hint: a mostly bald man, a red-headed lady, and a mini coop. Ding ding, if you guessed my parents, you are right (not that any of you would have known that my dad is mostly bald, that my mom has red hair, or that she drives a mini coop). Both will be arriving on Friday. Though they are divorced, they still enjoy these types of trips together. Honestly, they mostly want to come to see Tovah while she is still little. Since I don't have human children, my dogs are like their grandchildren, only in fur suits, literally.

I only agreed to both of them being here at the same time, because a) they can entertain each other while I'm at work (inevitably my boss is out of town this week, so I have to work more), b) I'll only have about five days disrupted instead of two weeks if my dad came down a week later, and c) with both here, there is less likelihood that my father will be an ass to put it mildly. So far he hasn't mentioned my future or career choices in almost two months, a new record for him! The last visit with him, he mentioned it something like fifteen times or so in a four or five day period.

Normally, because my anxiety with their arrival increases, my exercising or whatever other Ed behaviors that have remained dormant shoot up. There is just the thinking that I won't have time to exercise, so I must get it all done before they come. I take that back, the only time I'd really have to exercise is before work which means getting up earlier and running in single or teen degree weather. I figure I already have a hard enough time running in 30-degree weather, so this just does not bode well for me. This time, however, I'm going to try really hard NOT to lose insanity in the exercise department and instead just get the cleaning stuff done.

I think I'm also concerned, because my father's reactions about weight have kind of thrown me for a loop. He keeps talking about Oprah and not understanding how a person who has done so much can still be so focused on her weight. Then he'll say how really being fat is not a crime, it's not the end of the world, etc. This contradicts much of what he has said in the past, including remarks about other people. Supposedly, he is sort of better in this department, the comments have just turned towards being unkind about some people. His wife D. says it is from the stroke where he has lost inhibitions, but it is really hard to tell the difference. He was still that way before. Plus, if he can actually inhibit himself from not discussing my future and career plans with me, then there must be some ability to "control" himself. Okay, that's another post for another day.

Moving on. The other major thing is that I agreed to have my mom meet with my therapist, C. At the time, I thought this would be a good thing since she was in town, that maybe C. could offer her some insight into how I'm feeling since I kind of shut down talking to my parents about that kind of stuff. But then, I get nervous about the whole thing and think it really isn't the best idea. I called C. on Monday and told her and said I'd call her back at the end of the week about how I wanted the appt. to go.

The scenarios are:

• My mom just meets C. just as a "Hi, I'm Tiptoe's mom."
  
• My mom and C. have a brief maybe 15-20 minute session with the remainder time as my session
  
• My mom and me have a session together

I pretty much scratch the third option, so it leaves the first two. In general, it's been a very long time since I had a therapist meet with a parent. C. did meet my dad in college once. I know the session was videotaped, and I wish later I had seen it. That appt. did give C.better insight into my father and the way he was. I no longer felt like I was exaggerating.

As a teen, my mom met with one of my first therapists, and that didn't go over too well. My mom felt very pounced on which I know was not that therapist's intentions. I know C. would not be like that, and I do know my mom is looking forward to at least meeting her.

So this is what I'm facing this week. I really haven't thought a lot about what my original goal in therapy was: to learn to move on with my life, to find some career path, to have less anxiety about it. I know I'm just distracting myself with other things, and I really do need to face the music so to speak. Damn fear and anxiety!

Anyway, my posts towards the end of the week may be a little less since they'll be here. The one positive out of all this is it's good a training opportunity for Tovah. We can play "round robin" in recalls. Okay, I know, I'm very geeky when it comes to my dogs and training.

Food, anxiety, and no real point in this post

For most adults and children, Monday marks the return to work and school. I've already heard the groans miles away from several people, wishing for more vacation time. It's hard to get back to normal when you haven't had to worry about it.

For me, even though, I'm actually off for two days, I feel this "need" to begin anew with a slew of things on my "to do" list. Maybe I feel this way only because it is the start of a new year and my anxiety has crept back in, asking for more of my attention. The last several weeks with the addition of the new puppy, my anxiety was at least geared towards her versus me and my future. Perhaps, I'm thinking about it more, because I actually talked about this very issue with my friend, the physical therapist S. And for me, talking about it fuels the anxiety.

Then, my anxieties move on to other things. For example, I've decided this year to try to be more social in simple get-togethers with people. Today, Tovah and I had a play date with S. and her miniature schnauzers. Tovah had a wonderful time playing, and I enjoyed catching up with S. and her husband about their holiday. I also found out S. was 12 weeks pregnant which was exciting in and of itself. That leads to other feelings, but that's another post for another day.

S. and her husband were also the same people who made me my mystery dinner, you know the one I had major anxiety over. Again, she challenged (unknowingly of course) me in that she ordered pizza! I think she felt a little weird about that too, because she thinks I'm some health food nut. It's similar to those people who all never want to curse in front of me, because they think I'm some sweet angel. Ha, I guess I have everyone fooled. Seriously though, I'm not a big profanity fan in general, only at appropriate times.

Anyway, pizza isn't entirely a fear food for me, but it's one that is very low on my list to eat. I find it too cheesy, too greasy, and just leaving me burping the rest of the night. However, I obliged and ate two pieces with two breadsticks. It was good for the most part. Unfortunately, it didn't sit well with me, having to use the toilet more frequently than expected. But the good thing is that in the past, this would have been a food I would have purged without any further thought. So this will more than likely just meet my one of two times of my quota this year for pizza. Silly, isn't it to have a quota? It's the only way my mind wraps around eating a food like pizza. Maybe not completely the "right" nor "recovered" t hing, but it does get me by for now.

However, now that I've had this spontaneous moment with food, another friend asked to treat me to dinner on Tuesday night. I actually had something else planned but haven't decided what to do yet as this friend and I have been trying to get together for awhile. Plus, this would also be my third outing in three days (Monday, I'm visiting a friend).

This just ramps up the anxiety. Maybe scheduling three possible social events in three days was too much? I'm suddenly also recognizing my size again. Part of this was due to weighing myself a few weeks ago which was just stupid in the long run. But instead of restricting like I normally might, I actually ate more which now leaves me slightly panicked. My running routine has also been out of sorts too which leaves me feeling a bit on the guilty side even if the reasons were valid. And on top of that, I really need to go grocery shopping tomorrow. I'm in a bit of a funk with that too. I don't want to necessarily buy what I normally buy as I feel bored with it, but at the same time, I don't know what to actually buy that I won't freak out over or regret buying later.

I know this post is kind of all over the place and does't really have a focal point, but I'm too tired to try to deal with it for now. Hopefully, I'll post some other substantial stuff soon. I have other post ideas in mind from my current reading selections that I want to address.

Black ice, panic, and a roller coaster of emotions

I have to admit, tonight would have been a good night for anti-anxiety medication. (Score one for the pro anxiety medication side! Yes, I'm slowly swaying in that direction, finding the light of its benefits. Now, I just need to still decide who to see and make the call)

The day started off well. I got up a little before 6 AM--that seems to be the time I am automatically waking up, did all my doggie morning duties, swung by the vet's office to get an intranasal bordatella vaccination for the puppy, and then went to the fitness center for a workout.

After finishing that, I took the puppy to doggie daycare to play with ones her age and headed off to do errands and do last minute gift shopping. I picked up the puppy at 6 PM and headed home. There had been freezing rain off and on all day, traffic was now backed up due to some accidents on the road, so extra care needed to be taken on the roads.

About 3.5 miles miles left from my home, this one road was practically all black ice. I almost reached the kennel where I work, but then spun around in the road twice, eventually with my car in the middle of the road. Another guy in front of me was also stuck. I called emergency services and waited. Meanwhile, a few men from up the road helped turn my car so I could at least get to the kennel. I did make it there safely and was trying to get in touch with the person who worked for me today who was still at the kennel. However, I could not, and I don't know, for some reason, I was panicking over that, because I really needed to get home to let our my other dogs and was worried I would have to come back to do late night kennel

After numerous attempts of banging on the door and calling her name, finally, she came down, apparently not hearing me in the shower. It was fine for her to do late night kennel which was relief to me. I also had to leave the little one there (by the way I have figured out a name for her) as she doesn't yet know how to walk on leash (she just freezes) and was cold. I left and ran/walked the two miles home with a flashlight. My only saving grace was that I had left my yak traxs.in the car. I bought them last year when we had ice and found them beneficial.

On my way home, I called a friend who had left a message for me. We talked for two hours. It was very nice to talk to her, and I'm kind of excited about her proposal.

I also called my parents and recounted the events with them. I must have been talking a mile a minute, because that is what was going through my head. I realized just how frightened I was of spinning in the car with NO CONTROL! I've experienced driving on black ice before, but this was super scary. I'm thankful that nothing serious happened and I was able to safely get to the kennel, make sure my puppy was okay, and go home. Though I'm horrendously tired, my thoughts are still keeping me up. This is also exacerbated by work. Basically, I kind of lost it, venting my frustrations with my boss yesterday over the way the last two weeks have been handled while she's been gone. Currently, she is delayed flying back due to the west coast weather. I'll have a post later on "anger" and speak more about this.

Tomorrow's weather will be 20 degrees warmer but very windy with rain. It does not make for a fun day, but at least I'll be able to drive back with no repercussions of black ice.

Anxiety medication dilemma take two

I'm still agonizing over the decision to go on medication. One, I'm incredibly impatient when it comes to medications working. Two, I'm worried about the side effects--yes weight gain which is always a fear. Three, I'm worried about the cost. Four, I'm worried it won't work and that my time will be wasted.

On the up side, a medication could work. I could perhaps think more clearly and process things better. I may not be as overwhelmed when faced with difficult decisions. It could possibly help with my continual vacillation between some denial and actual problem with exercising. :-/

So I bit the bullet and spent most of my morning making calls to psychiatrists' offices. I had a few names from my previous therapist. The two through the university who I wanted to see are booked until February and not taking new patients. I wouldn't even get to see them unless I saw their LCSW first and then had her refer me to one of their pdocs.

I called a few others that were on my insurance list. On one call, this guy was super nice and answered my questions and knew of one who worked with ED patients extensively. The funny thing was that I asked him if he knew of this other psychiatrist whom I'd called. His answer was that "she had been around forever, and given my age and problem, he highly suggested I went to see the ED pdoc." Hmmm, that kind of left me confused since she is the one I'm waiting to hear back from.

Another psychiatrist, I was able to speak with personally. She seemed very nice and worked with patients who were referred to her by my former therapist. The rest I called don't take my insurance with the exception of two psychiatric nurse practitioners.

As my analytical brain likes to do, I've made a list of the possible psychiatrists. This is the rundown, * indicates they accept my insurance.

Pdoc C. is an anxiety specialist who founded the Anxiety Foundation. He does both psychotherapy and pharmacotherapy and also uses animal assisted therapy. He has some experience working with eating disorder clientele. His fee, however, is a bit outrageous. Either he's really good, or he jacks his rates sky high.

Pdoc W. works with ED clients extensively and apparently worked under a well known ED researcher at the university. According to the guy I talked to who gave me his name, this pdoc, in his opinion, was the best ED one in town.

Pdoc L. was a a name given by my former therapist K. His specialty is addictions and is supposed to be a really nice guy. I think he also won some award a few years ago, voted as the best psychiatrist in town.

Pdoc G-R. is the one I spoke with. She's also worked with Ed clientele, though it is not her specialty. My former therapist, K. has referred several clients to her. She seemed very nice and even suggested if I had other names I wanted to run by her, to give her a call.

*Pdoc F. has also worked with ED clients. She is the one that the guy who I spoke to said had been around forever. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I'm waiting to speak to her personally, as that is something she just does with all new possible clients.

*Pdoc Mc. or P. are nurse practitioners. My current therapist, C., has referred a few clients to them. She says that one is apparently blunt and gruff, but was able to find alternative meds that did not have weight gain as a side effect. The other she has not heard anything negative about.

Yes, I know this seems ridiculous. "It's just a psychiatrist" as one of my friends said. I called my mother to get feedback since she has been on what seems like every single medication known to mankind for depression. She tried really, but she wasn't very helpful.

See, this is the thing. I'm placed with a number of options in front of me, and then I have a hard time choosing. One part of me says I should just go through insurance as it would be cheaper. Another part of me thinks I should go for the specialty. Then, another part of me says I should bite the bullet for the high initial cost of the first appt. if the arrow points to them helping me more. Maybe I should just play spin the bottle?

Why am I making this so difficult? I think part of it is that I really want to be able to have an actual relationship with whatever pdoc I see. I don't want it to just be med management which unfortunately is how it mostly is since insurance companies have "ruined" the field of psychiatry. This is according to my mother's current pdoc.

The other thing is I think that the follow-up appts. would be a waste unless there were serious side effects going on. And I guess I'm just having trouble thinking about paying that much money for a mere 10-20 minutes at the max when you could just call and say how you were. I know most see pdocs much less frequently than a therapist but still.

Then, the really bad thing with all this (and why I'm really hating insurance at the moment) which I just found out is that any pdoc session would count toward my mental health coverage. Currently, I only have a ten session limit/year, so it cuts my therapy by at least two or more sessions. I can continue of course, it's just everything would be out of pocket, and I would not be able to go as frequently.

This is where everything stands right now, and I'm having a terrible time in deciding what to do. It's essentially the story of my life. :sigh: Does anyone have any special wisdom? Or want to commiserate with me?

Part one of anxiety medication dilemma can be read here.

By the way, my day ended up strangely. I went to the store to pick up a few items. When I got home to put the items away, I realized there was a pack of cigarettes in the bag! I have not a clue how they got in there. Hmm, maybe this is some sign? Just kidding, I seriously doubt someone is trying to tell me to just kill the anxiety with a few smokes.

Ranting on mental health

I don't get it, why is our mental health system so problematic? If you have studies like this that say 5% of the general population suffers from persistent depression and/or anxiety with only a small percentage actually receiving adequate care, or this one, saying that half of young adults experience a mental disorder, why isn't mental health services at the top of the agenda? I know the passage of the recent mental health parity law is certainly a good thing, but still, there's just so much further to go.

I wish the government, insurance companies, and otherwise would understand how valuable it is to really have a sound mind. Just think how much more productivity there would be within the general population. Maybe, we'll get there some day when everyone can have the mental health coverage they deserve and need. Until then, I'll be holding my breath.

The anxiety medication dilemma

I had an appointment with C. yesterday. Like last week, she mentioned medications again. Not really so much for depression, but rather anxiety and to help me clear my brain.

It's an understandable suggestion. I've made some progress of my original goals in seeking her counsel, however, it's very slow. She knows and reminds me I only have ten sessions through insurance, and she wants to be able to help me. I can of course continue to still see her after ten sessions, it's just I'd have to pay out of pocket.

The last few weeks, I have not thought much about the whole future/career oriented decisions in my life. I'm sure part of it is avoidance (though I know I need to get a grip on it), but really it's that my mind has been more riddled with holiday stress and guilt. My father's wife even wanted to pay a plane ticket for me to visit at Christmas. I politely said no and responded that I may be able to visit at New Year or in January when things are less busy.

Even though I haven't had any more meltdown sessions, maybe that is part of my fear--that that will happen again. I know this issue isn't going to go away nor is it getting better. This is especially evident since my anxiety has increased which for me just ramps up my exercising habits. It doesn't even make sense, because I'm not really even thinking about it and my dad has surprisingly not brought up the issue in three weeks. That's a record for him since every conversation normally started out with "so have you thought more about your future? Have you put those applications in for grad school?" I told this to C. and how I knew it was really difficult for him not to say anything, and her reply was "so what," reminding me it was not of my concern.

In the past, I've been on anti-depressants unsuccessfully. No, I haven't tried every one in the book, but enough to feel hesitant about them. I've only had major side effects from one, but the rest didn't do anything for me. Maybe it was dosing, maybe it was impatience, maybe it was all the wrong psychiatrists. I know I could easily just go to my nurse practitioner whom I see for just routine check ups and ask for prescription A or B and she would hand it to me without any questions. That can be a good and bad thing--a) you get what you want, but b) it might not be what you need per se.

So righ t now, I'm sitting on the fence. I told C. I'd think about it--week number 2 here for that same line. I know she is hoping I give it a try, at least to perhaps speed up the process and let me think without such an overwhelmness if nothing else. However, with anxiety medications (not immediate ones like Xanax), they take 8-12 weeks or longer to kick in. My impatience with medications doesn't bode well for this fact.

Her goal for me, or at least what she feels like she can to do help me is to have all the information there (I've made a list of many options) and BREATHE, rather than having everything simply float around in my head which at the moment is where it is.

I told her that somehow I felt like I should be able to "tough" this out. Her reply, "I think you've already done that. You've toughed it out enough."

As I left and was still saying how unsure I was of medications, her reply was, "what I know is that you don't want to be in this place any longer." So the truth, but so hard to move out of the box.

Hands

Do you ever look at your hands? I caught myself doing that the other day. No real reason except perhaps reminding myself of my dermatology appointment today. Years before, I'd look at my hands and feel very ashamed due to the marks left from purging. It wasn't a pretty sight, and I distinctly remember people asking about it. I lied saying they were rug burns. I'm not sure how I came up with that one.

I no longer have those reminders, however, I do have something else to contend with: incredibly dry hands.. Though this happens year around, winter makes it much worse. It's only the first day of December and already there are cracks in several places as well as that dry, chapped look. Last winter, it got to the point of my hands feeling like they were on fire if there was anything remotely touching them.

The ironic thing about this is that my hands would look lovely if I washed my hands less! So herein lies the problem, I simply cannot. I really hate the feel of grimy, dirty hands and find myself washing them quite a lot in any given day. Even trying to use hand sanitizers like my dermatologist suggested still left my hands feeling "unclean." Don't ge me wrong if I have to use hand sanitizers, I of course will--think like porta-potty or something of that nature.

At today's dermatology appointment, my Dr. noticed my awful looking hands. I really thought she was going to be upset with me since I didn't adhere well to the hand sanitizers. Surprisingly, she understood and said some people just don't do well with them. She said it was something that had to work into your life. For example, at her office, she uses hand sanitizers all the time, but that makes sense. A CNN article talked about that here since there are many superbugs in a hospital environment.

My dermatologist gave me something new to try--a script for Tetrix, a cream that is supposed to act like a barrier against allergens, irritants, and gentle hand washing. (Another study is found here) I'm not too keen that this is another steroid-based medication, but they do seem to be the only thing that provide real relief. I've used many, many different lotions and creams, and all are short-lived relief.

For some reason, this whole hand washing thing is bothering me a lot. I don't *think* it is compulsive. I do not think I'm going to die, get some disease, get sick, etc. if I do not wash my hands X times a day. I'm not trying to get some stain out either. (bonus points for that reference) I simply do not like dirty hands. I guess I'm wondering if I'm obsessing about this too much. Anxiety is already a problem for me (that's an upcoming post), and :sigh: I don't want to have to add another thing to my already enough disorderedness. Oh yeah, and did I mention I have a horrible nail biting habit?

Gearing up for trip number 2

On Tuesday, I leave again for a large dog conference. A month ago, I would have said how excited I was to be going, how I was ready to conquer all the challenges that awaited me. Fast forward to now, and this has waned a bit. I still have enthusiasm for going, learning new stuff, hearing great speakers, and getting a chance to meet with some old acquaintances from past conferences, but the challenges of food, exercise, and dealing with so many people feels exhausting to me.

Right now, I'm tired and worn out. I haven't fully recovered yet from the previous trip and am doing this all over again. I keep trying to tell myself that no one is going to give a flying flip about what you're eating or not eating, that I'm going to be so busy, that it's important to keep my energy level up, that this can be a fun experience if I allow it. I don't know why I still get so nervous over this conference. This is my fifth one, so it's not like I am going in as a newbie without experience. Logically, I know I must try or else this can easily turn into autopilot mode for restriction which is NOT what I want. How do I pull myself up by my bootstraps when I'm just feeling so spent already? I know this seems like an utter excuse, that I just need to face the challenge head on, and know in the end (or have faith) that everything will be fine, that the sky won't fall or the earth shatter.

:sigh: I still have so much to do before leaving too which doesn't make me feel any better. Plus, there is some anxiety in that I'm going into the conference with no idea who my roommate(s) will be. This worries me since I tend to get the short end of the stick when it comes to these things. I guess all I can do at this point is hope for the best, give myself some plan, and think about the big picture of this experience.

Events of the next month

I haven't given much of an update about what's coming up in the next month or so. It's actually a fairly busy time both personally and work wise, and there will be a lot to get done.

* My therapy appt. is next Monday. I'm already nervous about seeing Therapist C. after such a long time. Plus, I hate to admit it, but I worry about being "fat." :sigh:

* In 2 1/2 weeks, I'll be running my second marathon in New York. I'm excited but have anxiety over not performing well. My goal is to lower my time from my last marathon in May and to perhaps remember the race better. I hear at this marathon, there is actually champagne at the end of the race. Too bad, I don't drink.

* In 2 weeks, I'll be visiting my parents. This always causes me anxiety, especially because I am so afraid they are going to set up some kind of intervention thing. I would not put it past my father. After all, I've heard he's even written e-mails to Dr. Phil about me. And no, it has nothing to do with any eating disorder.

* In 2 1/2 weeks, I'll also be getting my hair cut. Some of you may remember me posting about my hair and identity issues. It won't be drastic but a lot shorter for me. I'm hoping it will give my hair some more "bounce" and trim all those pesky split ends.

* In mid-October, I'll be attending a large dog conference. I'll be part of the "staff" there which is a lot of work but rewarding. I've been to this conference 4 other times, but it still intimidates the heck out of me. Plus, I never do well with food while I'm there. My goal is to try to challenge myself to eat more while there.

These are all big events for me, so I'm going to have to figure out a way to cope with all the stimulation and not get stressed out to the point of standstill. Hopefully, I'll have a place to relax, breathe, visualize, and cry if need be.

Olympics, athletes, eating disorders, and the anxiety connection

As the Beijing Olympics near, the issue of the various aspects of sports is often discussed. Everything from the athlete stories (there are usually some very inspirational ones) to doping charges (no Olympics is ever filled without any) to what athletes are wearing (the buzz is on the new skin tight, fast swimsuits and running shoes) to eating disorders (though that one isn't as publicly mentioned).

In today's Telegraph from the UK, Susan Ringwood, the chief executive of BEAT, a UK charity which helps those with eating disorders, said that up to 40% of the female athletes at these Games could have eating disorders. She said, "there is increasing pressure on female athletes to not only perform well, but also to look good." The obvious sports where this would likely be more apparent are gymnastics, diving, and swimming.. However, other sports to consider would be rowing,, track and field, especially long distance running, equestrian, cycling, and wrestling. I'm sure there are others, those are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head.

Ringwood also made the point how it can be difficult to determine whether an athlete has an eating disorder when they already carefully control their food intake and exercise. She asked, "Does someone have a body like that because they want to win a gold medal, or because they would feel useless and disgusting if they looked any different, and want to have some emotional control?"

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I recently read a brief interview in People about the swimmer Dara Torres and her bout with bulimia. If you don't already know, Dara is the 41-year old swimmer who is making headlines going into her fifth Olympics with a good shot at winning the 50m freestyle. She went through a five year battle with the disorder, including at the1988 Seoul Games where the number one ranked female swimmer in the world finished seventh. So depressed after that, she retire from the sport all together. Eleven months prior to the 1992 Olympics, she knew she had to end her bulimia if she wanted to do well. She amazingly stopped "cold turkey" and has since then been recovered. Here is one article where Torres and a few other swimmers who also went public with their eating disorders talk in depth about their struggle.

The connection between elite athletes and eating disorder is now new. There have been a number of studies explaining the higher risk for disordered eating/eating disorders in certain sports as mentioned above. Last week, a new study in the International Journal of Eating Disorders showed that women who participate in a high level of athletics and have sports anxiety are more at risk for eating disorder symptomology. This is a significant study, because it looks at the factor of anxiety which has been linked to eating disorders.

So as the Olympics is only a week away, I can only imagine what some of these athletes may feel. While there is the thrill of making the team and representing their country, there is also an enormous amount of pressure which some will succumb to well and others may not. For some, the medal will make the difference in their own lives as well as their families.

Those with sports anxiety and/or eating disorders/disordered eating may have a harder time if they are constantly worried about both their performance and how they look which we know is always just the surface issue. However, in some sense, how can they not be? They have the whole world watching them, cheering them on for their victories, yet recounting every misstep too. For some athletes, this will definitely be "16 days of glory," while for others it may be "16 days of agony." Okay, I'm being dramatic here, but you get my drift. It's a lot of pressure from all realms and is a real test to both the body and mind.

Related posts: The female athlete triad
Olympics, gymnastics, and mentality