Debuting orthotics

A few months ago, I posted on the asymmetry of my feet. Since then, I've followed up with my podiatrist and waited for my new custom orthotics.  They were available a month ago, but the company messed up, placing my metarsal pads at my arch rather than my midfoot area. My podiatrist was not happy and even floored that someone was dumb enough to do this when explicit directions and measurements were given. But be so, we are all human.

Yesterday, I finally received them! The podiatrist told me they would take a few weeks to get used to, and indeed he is right. Even upon placing them in my shoes, they feel different and kind of hurt. I'm hoping as my feet get used to them, they will feel better. I'm sure it will also help when I get new shoes which I've put off, waiting for these orthotics.

With these kind of things, I hate waiting, waiting to get used to something to feel right. What if they never do, and then that is a waste of $400 of which my insurance will only cover 25% if that. (Doesn't this sound ironically like recovery) In the past I have had a tendency to push ahead of the pain and trudge through anyway. This has not always proven effective, so patience is of essence here as well as just being smart about this. What my head really wants to do is just go for a mid-length run and "see" how they do. If they do well, then it is a score for me, the orthotics, and the podiatrist. If they don't, then it becomes, "well, I tried it, didn't work, see nothing works, etc."

I think part of this is also the fact that I want my feet to feel relief from long runs. When I hit mile XX, my feet immediately hurt, and I just feel them digging into my insoles. The pressure is real as is evident from the wear pattern. When I know I have long runs planned for the next two weekends, this just doesn't bode well to get used to the orthotics when I need them now. <sigh>

One interesting conversation my podiatrist and I had was when we were talking about how people did with the orthotics was:

Pod: Some people just don't have the body or feet for running. For some, their feet hit a breaking point and will go no further. 

Me: I have already run two marathons and a half marathon, so it's proven my feet can handle it. 

Pod: Yes, but it's about cumulation over the years.

Oh, that was hard to hear but in fact true.  It's funny, because I could say this about anything else--another person, a dog, etc. when talking about their capabilities of certain sports and jobs but when it comes to me, how could that be so?  

In reality, cumulation of what we put our bodies through does count.  Some of those things we can't get back, so it is vital that we take care of them.


p.s.-Day 1 of running with orthotics did not bode well.  At every mile, on the dot, my feet felt pain.  Ugh!  Hope this won't last too long.  With walking, there is some discomfort but not as bad with running.  

Wading across a cautionary line

Some of you know I joined a local running group back in late Jan./early Feb. I had reservations at first after many years of solo training, but so far I have enjoyed it quite a bit. There are a variety of ages there, but quite a few of us in our late twenties/early thirties.

In general, this group is small compared to some of the other local training groups. Within the past several months, however, there has been an increase in members, especially if they have started to train for a specific race, like a 5k, 10k, half-marathon, or marathon. One new person is a young woman who stands out quite visibly due to her thinness.

I try not to speculate whether this woman has an ED/has had an ED/is in recovery from an ED, but I seriously keep thinking to myself whether this woman should be running at all. She is very tall which can easily guise for thin, except that her hip bones are easily visible through her shorts, her face is gauntish looking with a pointy chin, giving a "lollipop" appearance, has stick thin arms and legs, tiny waist, and a slight hunch/ rounded shoulders in her upper back.

I've only talked with this woman a few times, so I don't know her well enough to broach this intimate subject, but it really does cause me concern. She has a young daughter who is almost three, so I wonder too how much of this could be a backlash of trying to be healthy o perhaps pregnancy weight loss. I learned recently that she is vegan, but I'm not sure what the reason is or how that reason came about.

I know a number of us have dealt with similar situations or seen the "avid" gym-goer, so what do you do? I had a similar post awhile back about gym observations and mentioned seeing an underweight woman there. That situation felt different--there was a distance, and I did not know this woman from adam. This situation is slightly different. Our group meets a few times a week, I've talked with this woman a little, she friended me on facebook, etc.

It's one of those cautionary lines--you never know how much to ask so as not to be offensive, but at the same time to show concern. I struggle with approaching the subject to her, but I would feel awful to turn a blind eye too.

Thoughts? How would you react?

Short races

Yesterday, I ran a local 4th of July race. The race was not far from where my running group typically runs, so I was familiar with the course. Overall, the race went okay. I was trying to better my time from the last 5k race which did happen but not very significantly at all, despite doing some speed work the last month or so.

After finishing this race, I've begun to think that 5ks are just not my race. I think the determining factor is feeling like I'm going to hurl periodically while I'm running. Even at the finish line when the person was handing me a bottle of water, I almost threw up on her which warranted a look from her and asking if I was okay. And truly I was okay.

A few of the running group girls and I met up after the race (they met up before the race and ran over there together and did not wait for me even though I was the one who set it up! No worries though) and were talking about this very thing. One girl agreed that 10ks and 15ks were probably more her race. The interesting thing was that all of us said the exact same thing--that they felt like they were going to hurl or that their stomach felt in knots. I think the difference with me is that I always feel like I am that close to vomiting like when you burp and have that nasty rush of backlog but am able to restrain yourself (sorry if that is TMI) A part of me wonders how much is due to my past with ED and purging. Or, it could possibly be completely unrelated just due to running faster than my normal pace and the weather.

The odd thing is that when I was running a lot 4-5 years ago, I never remember feeling like this, even on long, fast runs. During those times, I was running at all times of day and temperatures. So it just does not make sense to me now why I keep having these incidences. It's quite frustrating, because I'd like to be able to run short races too but without feeling the awful sensation of my body revolting against itself. The other problem is that something that becomes physical can easily turn psychological, especially if there are aversive effects.

It took me a long point to stop self induce vomiting. It's been almost completely 2 years purge-free. After my last conjuctival hemorrhage, I have not since then at ll. I'm to a point where I want to save as many teeth as I can, especially with the lasting effects of years of abuse.

Anyway, I don't have any upcoming 5k races to worry about, just more or less long training runs. I and my body will, however, be happy when it is cool again.

Asymmetry of perfectionism

A few weeks ago, I decided I needed to get a new pair of running shoes. Though the pair I'm currently wearing are not completely worn out, they will be soon. It's typical that if I'm training for a race that I need shoes about every 5-6 months. Some say the magic number is after 400 miles. Anyway, as usual, this was not an easy task. Most places just don't carry my size (I have small, wide feet), but the running shop where our running group meets from, ordered me a few pairs to try on. It was highly surprising to me that my feet were barely a 5. I thought they were at least 5 1/2 since I have worn 6s for years. And actually yesterday I found out my left foot is smaller than my right foot--more on that later. The weird thing was that when I tried on the 6s, it felt perfect in my left foot, but my right foot felt like it was swimming. Then, when I tried on the 5 1/2s, the right foot felt perfect, but my left foot felt tight.

Normally, I would have stayed with the 6s except that I have developed calluses on the ball of my feet, especially during long runs. My feet literally kill me, and I can barely walk. So I thought maybe I had been wearing the wrong size for years as this is typical of many women who buy shoes, according to the running people at the store. They find woman do not want to wear a half size larger.

I decided since I had some pain after a short run with the 5 1/2s that I'd better wait before dishing out the money. Instead, I made a podiatry appt. with a podiatrist who gave a short talk back in the fall to our running group. He immediately remembered who I was too, asking whether the dog (Tovah) was still running with me.

After his foot tests, a number of things were revealed:

• My left leg is longer by about 3 cm compared to my right (I knew one leg was a little longer but couldn't remember which one)
• My right foot measures right at a 5, my left foot is a little smaller.
• The second digit on my left foot sticks up (apparently this is a deformity some people have) which causes more pressure to my metatarsal area. Since I have bunions on both my feet, they do not absorb the pressure well, thus the only place to go is in the balls of my feet. And since the left second digit is deformed, that foot has more pressure and actually stays longer on the ground than my right foot. A few years ago, I had metatarsal inflammation in the same area.
• My right foot over the metatarsal area is wider than my left foot.
• My left foot over the midsole area is slightly larger than my right foot.
• I pronate slightly on my left foot but supinate slightly on my right foot--basically my body's way of balancing itself out.

The treatment plan is custom orthotics, depending on how much insurance will cover. They run anywhere from $300-400, though they last at least 2-3 years. In the mean time, I have some metarsal pads to wear in my shoes, and a little lift in my right shoe. These will both be added into the orthotics as well.

So why did I mention all this weird stuff with my feet? The podiatrist said something interesting to me during our appt. He was telling me how "some people who run 100s of miles have bodies that are built for it. Their bodies just don't seem to break down. But most people have all these small idiosyncrasies that when added together affect us. If you keep looking close enough, you are going to find them."

This is so true. We are made up of many small imperfections if you want to call it that. What I think is ironic is how many people quest for the perfect body but yet do not even think about these small things necessarily. And what I mean about small are, I have one toe larger than the other, one side of my nose is larger than the other, one leg is smaller than the other, etc. You get the picture.

Now, of course, there are people who do focus on these small imperfections and go to extremes--those with BDD come to mind, but mostly people will say, "I want to be thinner, I want to have flat abs, I want to tone up, etc." It's all generalizations to find the quest for perfect, but in reality, there is No Perfect. Because if we were truly perfect, and I'm thinking about this in a scientific way, everything would be the same and symmetrical, there would be no room for error, no flaws, no nothing. Even those like Angelina Jolie who some people say are beautiful, probably has some sort of asymmetry going on.

The other thing about this whole asymmetry thinking is that it is likely that some of them are out of your control. That means, you were born with them, they make up who you are--unique, different, and beautiful too.

So, I know this is a bit long-winded. It was just an interesting point to think about. How many of us really think about symmetry in our bodies, or even how it may affect us? Maybe that is really the "perfection" we are all looking for.

5k race results

First off, my apologies, there are no pictures. I seriously need to start putting a note on my forehead to remember my camera! By the time I did, I was on the interstate which was down to one lane. I was afraid of being late or not finding parking. I should have gone back and gotten it, because I got there in plenty of time with lots of parking still available. Oh well, next time, I will remember. Ya'll can keep me to that. ;-) I also forgot Tovah's harness, so I had to run her on her collar. :-(

I think there was a total of 700+ racers. There were a lot of dogs of various sizes, breeds, and mixes who showed up--some ran, some walked, and some just came to watch. I did see a small dog in a doggie stroller, though I don't think she ran. There were a good number of kids as well, and they had a fun run dash after the race was over.

The race itself went okay. IMO, 10 AM is too late to start a race even if it a short one, especially if you have dogs. My guess is that it 73-74 degrees which is hot for running, but on the plus side, it was not raining. The race was a little disorganized. We were all by the start line, and the announcer had a megaphone but no one could hear with all the talking. Then, suddenly I hear "on your mark, get set, go" and the gun goes off. People to the left and right of me were like "oh, we're starting now." But needless to say we were off.

Tovah was ramped to go the first 1 1/2 miles, and we were ahead in the dog/runner division. But then, Tovah was not speeding up, and I had a hard time getting her to go faster. Where was a squirrel or bird when I needed them?

I saw another dog/runner duo, and we were running side by side at one point. She was a basketball player and just running to stay in shape. Her Boxer was with her, not sure if he ran much though, and not in that warm weather for sure. Anyway, she pulled and ahead and won in the dog/runner division by 23 seconds, and we came in second.

It was a bit funny after the race, because the officials had come to me asking if I was the first dog/runner duo to finish. I could have easily lied you know, but that's not me of course. I told them it was the girl with the brindle Boxer. They eventually found her, and she got her medal.

When I looked at the results later, surprisingly, we were running a faster pace than I thought, so though there was no medal winning for us, it was still a good race. The male and female winners were booking it as were the runners running with strollers. I didn't think this was quite fair, because it was all men! In real life, how many of us actually see men running with kids in their strollers?

I met up with a girl from the running group, and we walked around the vendors and gabbed a bit. I told her my latest career or at least temporary job thoughts which she thought was cool. I will share that in the next post.

Overall, Tovah did pretty well with the other dogs. There was still a little snarking, but she wasn't the only one per se. I was proud of myself for only having one dog trainer moment. There was a guy who had his dog's harness on completely ass-backwards. It was very unsafe. I went up and told the guy nicely, it was backwards and not fitted correctly. He really did not seem to have a clue. Now, whether he will change the harness or not is anyone's guess, but at least he's aware.

So that is the race report for the OTR 5k. There are some more 5k and 10k races coming up which I may do, but still debating. I'll likely be doing a fall marathon, so am starting that training process. One thing for sure is that I've got to acclimate my body to warm temperatures. For whatever reason, it seems much tougher this time around. Like everything else, it's just about getting yourself out there, albeit safely, well hydrated, and nourished of course. :-)

ps.--In a bizarre fashion here, I was looking back over the results, and there is a name that looks strangely familiar--a girl from my college chemistry class. I'm almost positive it is her, and the age is about right. I have no way of contacting her though :-( This was a girl who used to beat me on every chemistry test (I really sucked at chemistry anyway), despite the fact I was helping her! And of course yet again, she beat me by 4 seconds. It's a friendly rivalry though.

pps--if I find any pics from the race, I'll post them.

Tomorrow--a 5k race

On a whim, I decided to register for a 5k race. There are actually a lot around here, and normally, I do not do 5k races, feeling like they are just too short of a distance. However, this one that is tomorrow caught my eye, because they are allowing dogs and giving a medal to the first runner/dog duo to cross the finish line. I did find it funny that they wrote in parentheses that the dog must run, meaning no doggie strollers. They are also giving a medal to the first person and stroller with baby in stroller to cross the finish line.

This will be Tovah's and my first official 5k race. I'm a bit worried about how many dogs might be there. Tovah is great with dogs as long as she has seen them before. It's the new/strange dogs she "shouts" out. I'm hoping they will not be very distracting for her, and she'll just run with me as always. I have every bit of confidence it is all bluff for her as she has never harmed a dog at all. Still though, I do not want to distress anyone else, or for them to say, "WTH did that girl bring the obnoxious, barking dog?" It's moments like this when I don't want to say I'm a dog trainer, but then again, dog trainers have a tendency to take problem cases (not that I constitute Tovah as one). It's called the "Dog Trainer's Trainer's Syndrome.

I'll post how it goes.

FP Marathon race recap

First off, thanks everyone for the good luck wishes on my race yesterday. Overall, there was good and band but no ugly. Yay!

The good:

-Time was decent (more on that later).

-It was fun meeting up with some others from the running group.

-I plowed through even when I felt horribly tired.

-My bondiband headband stayed on.

The bad:

-My chip timer on my shoe laces kept hitting me mid ankle every time I had a heel strike. This caused me to change my gait. Even after the race, a mark was left on my foot and anything near that spot, still made my foot feel like the chip timer was there.

-It rained on and off the entire race, and there was high humidity.

-My legs felt like lead.

That's a bit of a summary. As I mentioned in my last post, this race was more about camaraderie than anything else. I met with three girls from the running group early in the morning to drive over to the race site. There were tons of people there. I knew there was no way of finding some of the people who we had all wanted to say hi and wish luck to in a sea of 20,000 people.

By the time the race began, it was already raining and my shoes and socks were soaked midway through the race. K (one of the girls that rode with me) and I were going to run together since we both had the same race goal time. Well, she took off at the start, going out faster than I expected. I ran too fast out of the corral as well. By mile 4, I was already tired and had started slowing down.

The rest of the race, I had periods of being slower or faster depending on the terrain. However, I could never pick up my pace greatly. I finished the race about 8 minutes slower than I had originally wanted, but it was still a decent time. It gave me a baseline for where I was, having only gotten back into running at the end of January after a year in a half hiatus and only running 2-3x/week. If you all remember, I have also been doing physical therapy for awhile. Normally, I mention if I'm going to run a race or something, but I got yelled at once for that by my PT, so I refrained from telling him since my injuries have been doing a lot better.

One thing I can say, and no one would ever expect to hear me say this, but I actually miss the hills I used to run on out in the country. And this is coming from a girl who used to hate hills! Seriously though, that put me in such great condition.

K. who went out faster than me finished a little over a minute before me, and the rest of our crew came in a few minutes later. We all said how we had a hard time picking up the pace, so it was good to hear it was not just me. I heard later that a lot of people were disappointed with their race times. My guess, it was the humidity.

As we all finished, we made our way to the post race food aisles. There were mega amounts of everything--bananas, chocolate milk, yogurt, fruit cups, fritos, doritos, granola bars, water, fruit, etc. I guess when you have to feed 20,000 people, it takes a lot of food. K. actually took a box and just started grabbing multiple items of everything. We all laughed about that.

On the drive back to our cars, I learned a few interesting things about these girls. They all went to the same high school, ran cross country and did other sports together. They were also all pregnant at the same time with two of them delivering on the same day! It left me feeling like the odd girl out, but it was nice of them to include me, even with all of us wearing matching barrettes. Surprisingly, even after learning this, I didn't feel too much like a "tag-a-long."

The rest of the day was pretty non-active and low key, other than discovering Tovah somehow hurt her toe and was limping. Well, except when she saw a squirrel in the yard. Then, miraculously, there was no more limp, and she ran off into the yard. But of course, came back limping. ;-)

That's the recap for this race. Hopefully, there will be another one later in the year. No dates or decisions have been set yet.

Note--Some interesting tidbits about this race:
-The woman who won the marathon is legally blind. She said she used the big clocks and "pig" markers as a way to guide her.
-The third place female winner in the 5k was a woman who won this marathon five years ago. Six months ago, she was hit by a car while cycling, having extensive head and body injuries. She and her husband are both doctors, and it was actually her husband who was dispatched to the scene of the accident, though he did not recognize her. Both were the honorary starters on Sunday.

-I saw a man wearing minimalist shoes.
-I saw another man actually going barefoot. This barefoot/minimalist shoe is the latest trend in running. I have decided to keep my shoes and not run like a Kenyan who can easily run barefoot.
-There was a lot of pink clothing, costumes, and a streaker. The news story said he had to borrow a pair of his father's shorts which were too big. The shorts kept falling off, so he just let them go. He apparently wouldn't stop running, so he was tasered by the police. He plead not guilty today in court.

Tomorrow's race

Yesterday, I went to the Running Expo to register for the half-marathon tomorrow.  Typically, I do not wait until the last minute, but I was on the fence about the race for quite some time due to injuries earlier in the year.  The injuries have been healing nicely with physical therapy though I think this is mostly because I am no longer standing for 8-10 hours a day every single day. When I tried to register on the last day, I missed the online registration by 30 minutes.  I guess the deadline was 12am that day and not 11pm of that day.  I could have been a stickler about this, and I even thought about running as a "bandit" (these are people who just  run the race but are not actually registered, thus not paying) at one point.  But, my ethics would never let me do that.

When I went to register, there were quite a lot of people, so I no longer felt dumb for registering late.  It was good I went yesterday, because there was apparently a ten mile wait on the interstate just to go to the Expo today.  Yikes!

I browsed the Expo.  This one is pretty nice, because it is a huge event--over 19,000 entrants tomorrow for the half and full marathons. An additional 10,000 for the 5k, 10k, relay, and other events today.  I was proud of myself for NOT buying much.  The only thing I decided to buy was a headband and participate in a fundraiser/raffle of which I know I have no hopeless chance of winning.  It was one of those "how many pigs are in the jar" contests.

The issue of which headband to buy was an interesting dilemma.  There were 3 different groups-sweatybands, bondibands, and chicabands. I tried to see what the differences were of each.  They all claimed they don't slip, help wick sweat, and were of course stylish.  I spoke to the bondiband woman who said these actually worked.  She gave me the backstory of how bondibands came about.  I wanted to try one of them, but did not want to dish $15 for one band.  I wound up going with the bondiband which was only $8 for one band.  I found a cute one that is purple (my running outfit is purple) with pink dog paw prints.  I tried it on today while I was walking the dogs and mowing, and it did stay in place.  It'll be interesting to see how it works tomorrow.

So tomorrow.  Well, I will be getting up at a bright and early 4am and meeting with some running group members at 5:20am.  The race starts at 6:30am.  There are predictions of rain and storms.  Ugh!

This is technically my first half-marathon.  Though I do have a time in mind, it's not as important to me per se.  At least not this go around coming back from not running for over a year.  This race is more about camaraderie than anything else.  I've met some great people and wanted to share in the experience of running this race.  The majority of them really do not care that much about a time (a few do).  For them, it seems more about completing the race, and running a good race for themselves.  And this is what I want to feel too--just to run the race and feel good about it.  The time is only the icing on the cake truthfully.  (I also would like to remember this race as I don't seem to have much memory when I ran my marathons back in 2008 :-/)

I'll keep you all posted on how tomorrow goes.

A social hit

A few nights ago, our running group met for a pasta dinner. Having carbs or what is known as "carbo" loading before a race is a pretty typical thing for many runners. I find this a bit ironic for me, because, well, by standard definition, I probably carbo load a lot as I tend to eat noodles very frequently.

In general, the dinner went fine. We chatted, ate, then headed over for a brief dessert at the running shop. I've noticed I've become a little more at ease during these events with this group of people, reminding myself that people are not really observing every morsel I eat.

This event was another good observation of group dynamics. This running group is fairly new, so a lot of us are still getting to know one another. I'm still trying to figure out everyone's name and get an idea of their "story."

I may be weird, but I do like to see how my perceptions match up (or not) to who these people are. I have a tendency to try to snag and observe snippets here and there from things they say, to things they say to other people, to their facebook pages, to their actions, etc.

This was brought up to me when some of us headed to a happy hour at a nearby sportsbar. If you all remember, last time I was invited to this, I passed up on the offer. This time, I decided to go ahead and go even if I was only going to order an iced tea.

There were 8 of us there. Yes, I was the lone iced tea, but that was okay. I do admit I feel strangely odd when people drink even a beer or two and then drive home. I know or at least I hope people know their limits but still, I kind of get worried. :-/ not to be judgmental or anything.

Anyway, an interesting conversation came up about why some of them joined the running group. My perception of several of these people are that they are gregarious, social people, but in fact, some of them are not. One girl I typically run with said she is not social at all. She said she is the type that works and goes home, and she's been content with that. She made the comment that the group was a lot more than she expected and that she was enjoying the social aspect of it.

Another girl said she was totally fine with just wearing her ipod and running solo but decided to join the group anyway. Another guy who is hilarious joined after a few friends recommended that he did. He ran his first half marathon last year apparently in combat boots or so I heard.

What I found interesting about this whole thing was that I joined specifically for the social aspect of it and to meet new people which seemed vastly different from others. I mean why join a group then ya know? Perhaps, my view is skewed after years of solo training and isolation.

In the grand scheme of things, I guess this really should not be surprising. People join things for all different kinds of reasons. This is just another case of how perceptions affect our thoughts.

Brunch averted

Thanks for the feedback on my last post.  It is always nice to know that I am not the only one who just scurries out to avoid a meal/drink/happy hour event even when in recovery.  I think the whole social thing is one that doesn't seem to be as discussed with eating disorders.  But EDs are very isolating, so I think talking about our social anxieties is very important in recovery.

So everyone is wondering how did the run and brunch go?  Well, run went well.  I talked with a girl towards the end of our route.  However, afterwards, many ducked out and left.  I think part of this was because the e-mail that went out the night before, failed to mention the brunch, despite the organizer talking about it last weekend and on Wednesday.  I stayed an additional 1 1/2 hours, chatting and waiting for the second group to come back.  Realizing that no one else was staying, I left too.

Part of me thought, yeah, I did not have to worry about the challenge of eating essentially two breakfasts in a short period of time, but another part of me had already geared myself up for the experience.  Oh well, until next time, right?  One fun aspect was getting to know some of the other people, like their name, though apparently one guy does not tell many people his real name.  The girl running with me asked someone else, and told her what it was.  Thus, blowing the guy's cover.  I haven't figured that one out yet, but he seems like a cool guy nonetheless, camos and all.  (yes, he runs in camouflage pants; apparently last year he ran a marathon in combat boots and used to have duct taped running shoes until they convinced him to buy a real pair of running shoes)

On another note, many of them talked about the happy hour on Wednesday.  Apparently, there were 11-12 of them, and they had a good time.  It sucks my anxiety caused me to miss out on it, but no use in beating myself up over it.  It's still relatively early in the year, and there will be other opportunities.  Now, it's just me sticking to it and not backing out.  It's easy to say afterwards that I will not back out and do this event, etc., but when push comes to shove, and you are in that moment, it can become a lot easier to make up an excuse, sad to say.  Keep me on my toes, my friends.  It's good accountability for us all.

How has your social anxiety hindered you? Have you found it has gotten easier in recovery?  What is a social challenge you have overcome recently?  Share your thoughts in the comments section.

A social miss

I mentioned in a recent post about joining the local running group here. (this is not the one that I was originally going to join last year, this one is literally just 3.5 miles from my house) They meet twice a week--Wednesday evenings and Saturday mornings. The first Saturday I went was great. I immediately met a guy and just started talking to him throughout our run. However, on the next several occasions, I've pretty much run by myself. There have been people, but either people already pair off together or the group easily disperses. On my last Saturday run, I kind of thought, "well heck if no one is going to run with me (there were only a few who were actually running that specific mileage), then I could just be doing this by myself."

See, I think this is part of the problem. I tend to hold a bit of an idealistic hope of something, and then when it doesn't happen, I feel discouraged. What I had envisioned was that I would have a running buddy to talk to just about the entire time I was running or at least for half of it. I realize this is not everyone else's envision, however. And so, I need to change my view a bit.

I've come to the conclusion that the real social time seems to be the before and after party of a run. Last night, there was an invitation to go to a happy hour at a nearby pub. To me, this completely defeats the purpose of running in the first place. I mean why down yourself with alcohol after a good, hard run. Many would counter this argument with the fact that alcohol does have calories and carbohydrates, both of which your body needs after that much exertion. I've also heard some say that a good, cold beer after a run is simply just good. I guess I will never discover that, because I honestly have never acquired a taste for beer and have no desire to either. It would have to be a fru-fru drink laced with vodka and fruitiness to even be in the realm of my liking.

Anyway, I had the opportunity to go, knowing I could have just ordered an iced tea and I guess been "social." I mean this is partly why I joined this group. Tovah, by the way, has been a real hit, and they just love her. A few of them asked me if I was going to come, and I sort of made the excuse that I wouldn't be able to take Tovah with me (the place does have an outdoor cafe but it is not open yet), though it probably was cool enough to have left her in the car. The other fact was that I was really hungry and did not want to spend money on pub-fare--very typical of burgers, fries, etc.

I told my mom about this on the phone, and she seemed really upset that I didn't go. I think my parents still fear I isolate myself too much and want me to date, join groups, etc. I guess I'm feeling like if I complain that I have no social life, then I do need to make more effort to do these types of activities just to "be social" even if I may not completely enjoy them. But then another part of me counters that with, if it is not fun, then you essentially fulfill a self-prophecy--See you went to this event and it was no fun=social events aren't fun.

But here is where my counteracting self must talk. Okay, so I didn't go this event, but there will be another chance on Saturday after everyone's long run. I should go, because it might be fun, and I might get to know people better, and this is why you joined the running group.

Saturday, after out long run, we are invited for free massages and a breakfast/brunch at nearby cafe. It will certainly be cool enough (it dropped 30 degrees this morning) to leave Tovah in the car should I choose to bring her. So I'm going to try hard to keep the social event on my calendar. My only reservation is this may be like eating two breakfasts very close in time together, and that may feel a little uncomfortable. :-/

Body aches

Last fall, I wrote a post debating on whether to join a local running group around here. Ultimately, I decided no for a variety of reasons. In general, the past year, I have done zero running. Actually, I've done like zilcho strenuous exercise at all. It hasn't been all bad (though my bp was up at my last dr.'s appt--like the highest it's ever been.) but I've felt a bit of a nostalgic pull towards running again. So I decided with the new year beginning, this would be a good opportunity to start. Nothing major like when I was training for marathons a few years ago, but maybe in the half marathon training mileage range.

Last weekend, I took Tovah out with me to a local park/arboretum. This was only going to be a "let's see where Tiptoe is in fitness" type run. Seriously, no full out running, just simple jogging. Well, Tovah had her own agenda and went out faster than I wanted. Still, the run itself was not long at all; however, my body was a bit achy the next few days.

Part of the purpose of this run too was to see how my hip and back would fair. I haven't talked about my hip on here, but it has been bothering me for like a year maybe? (I know head in shame for waiting for so long) finally saw my doctor before Christmas to get a few referrals, including therapists as a "just in case"/keep in the back of my pocket list. My self-diagnosis which is sometimes right, sometimes wrong is bursitis.

My dr. referred me to a comprehensive chiropractor. Now, I'm not against chiropractor's, but it seems that people either love them or hate them. This clinic does include massage and physical therapy, so that could prove to be helpful. My biggest snag is finding a way to fit it into my work schedule without having to take sick leave. I've always tried hard to work any appointment around my work schedule, so sick leave could always be used for when I really needed it. So far, I am not having much luck, so I may have to try another route completely.

Anyway, the whole point of this post is about body aches. I'm only three decades old, and sometimes feel like my body is way older than it should be. But then again, it has endured more wear and tear than it should have too. So, essentially, this is when I and anyone else in this situation must proceed with caution.

Follow-up: running group debate

First off, thanks to those who commented on my debate to join training running group and who voted in the poll. The commenters raised some excellent questions, so thank you for making me think more about this.

I did attend the meeting last week to get more information. There were quite a few people of all ages in attendance The interests varied from running a full marathon to walking to completing a half-marathon. Some were seasoned runners who wanted to qualify for Boston, others were newbies looking for a challenge.

The program itself is rather large. Last year, they had over 800 people sign up in their three locations. A fourth was added this year for more convenience and option for runners. They expect that this will also increase the total sign up number.

In general, I think the program is laid out nicely with various workouts and rest days in between. There are trainers--some with a lot of expertise, others more like cheerleaders who help runners in every workout session. Everything is done at your own comfort pace. You can move around between groups if you decide to switch from a marathon to half marathon or vice versa. You can join at any time throughout the year. Obviously, there are many people to socialize with. And lastly, you get some cool, free perks!

So with all that in mind plus all those other deeply thought out answers which I'll get to in a minute I have decided NOT to join at this time.

Reason number 1: In the last 48 hours, I have manged to get some sore throat/cold thing, so I just don't feel like it is wise to run, breathing in 20 degree weather, especially when a provoking hack of a cough has ensued.

Reason number 2: I'm afraid of being really strained for time with everything else going on. I know in February especially, things will be getting VERY busy. I'm also still learning my way around here. Take for example the few runs I did last week/weekend. I went on a nearby golf course and got completely lost. Later, I found out it is actually three golf courses combined! After 45 minutes of being lost, I really just did want to get home in the WARM house. That day was windy with a wind chill in the teens or less!

Reason 3 tied in with number 2: I also have a lot of stuff that I want to do with the house, especially near spring. I don't know if I'd really have enough time to get everything done if I'm training. I'm sure it would be doable, but I think I almost need to cut myself some slack here.

Reason number 4: I worry about overexercising/overtraining/obsessive quantity. Even the best sought out plan for me, I still have a tendency to do too much too fast and wind up injured about 2/3 through the training. Though I have learned to take rest days, there is usually still a bit of a guilt feeling leftover.

Reason 5: I worry about not eating enough. I do tend to eat more while training and it helps to a degree with eating issues, but I still do not eat enough. I think I read somewhere that something like 50% or more of female runners do not eat enough. Sounds about right to me.

Reason 6 tied in with number 4, I do fear a risk of lapsing back where I have been. Without any treatment team set up at all, I think it could be detrimental to any progress I've made thus far.

These are the main reasons not to join the training group, This doesn't mean that in the future I cannot join, but just that I think I need to give myself some time to feel a little more comfortable with a new setting, a new house, a new job, etc. Though I worry about the socialization aspect of things, it just means I have to work a little harder. I do think that if I do not put myself out there within a relatively short period of time, depression and isolation can easily follow. And I'm trying really hard to not to let that happen.

So for now, I am sticking with my walks with the dogs and a few short runs, nothing major. The walking is mostly with my clients' dogs, but I do walk my own dogs as well. With Tovah, I am doing some running/walking with her since she just has SO much energy, and without playing at the kennel all day like she used to, she just seems to be my WILD child. (It's a good thing her buddy Betty is coming for a slumber party tomorrow) It's good for me, because I do not push her too much due to her young age. By thinking about her and her own joints/muscles, it gives me perspective on what is healthy. (kind of like this post about the importance of fat)

Thinking through this reminds me of how I could cognitively cogitate through this process. Before, I'd probably would have just jumped on the running bandwagon, then regretted it, but would have felt unable to back out of it. I guess this is just another brick added to the my layer of recovery. :-)

I hope any of you who may be going through a similar ordeal can look at all perspectives and decide for yourself what is best. And if not, then as commenter M said in a recent Carrie post on "enough" exercise: "It sounds like plenty of qualified people who know you and your health history are willing to define "enough" for you ... but maybe you don't really like the answer, so you're waiting for a better one..." (M. hope you don't mind me calling you out, but this was a great comment, and I think a lot of people can relate)

Debate: to join running training group or not?

The other day I was at a friend's house dog sitting and happened to see this running newsletter. My friend I know is not a runner, so I guess it must have been her husband's. Anyway, I thumbed through it and noticed that a running training group will be starting for my area in January for an upcoming half and full marathon in the spring.

Wheels turn in my head, should I join or not?

Previously, I ran two marathons last year (that feels like sooo long ago) and ran up until this past May. Then, I took a break from running all together and have not run one iota since. This is a record for me since 2001 maybe? I have, however, been leisurely walking dogs almost everyday which has felt good.

Part of me really wants to join so I can meet some new people around here. The other part of me isn't sure I am ready to be training again. But then again, I was oh so close to qualifying for Boston at my last marathon. While it is true, training did help motivate me towards a goal and fuel myself better, I still had many days of falling into an obsessive route.

I like to think that maybe by joining a group, I might be able to keep a better balance of things, but we all know how easy it can be to lapse into an extra workout here or there, only to wind up having exercise take over a complete pie chart of your life.

So I don't know what to do. I have to decide soon. The informational meeting is tomorrow evening, but I don't think you actually have to confirm and pay until the first workout in January.

I ask you, should Tiptoe join the group and take a chance that she is healthy enough in recovery to keep herself stable? Or should Tiptoe not risk it at all and continue leisurely walking dogs and maybe adding a jog or two here or there? Maybe it's too much right now? Please vote in poll as well as commenting here.

Note: *Just to add, I'm not in any treatment at all right now. Several weeks ago, I actually called C. and told her to close my file since I had no clue when I'd be able to see her again, and it had already been a few months since I had an appt. I know I can reopen my file at anytime, but it is not likely since I am a further distance from her--driveable but difficult.

Foot woes

I don't think I've mentioned on here my latest foot woes. If you've followed me on twitter or facebook, I have discussed it there in my one liner comments.

This is not my foot but an image from Brittanica

Symptoms: metatarsal pain in left foot, mostly over the second digit and pain in the ball of my foot upon running and/or walking
Duration: longer than a month
X-ray: no stress fracture but only 50% show up anyway
MRI: no stress fracture but arthritis over first metatarsal and bunion (already knew)
Dr.'s advice: DON'T increase your mileage, take an OTC anti-inflammatory consistently, follow-up in a month

When I received the results on Friday about the MRI, a part of me was glad it was not a stress fracture as that would have meant I would have had to completely stop running for probably a month or more. However, another part almost wished it had shown that too. It's not for my usual validation reasons either. But rather, the thought about consequences.

See, if it had been a stress fracture, as much as I would have groaned about not being able to run (both for physical and mental reasons), I would have likely laid off my foot at least for a little while. Now, that it is only arthritis and inflammation, it doesn't seem as crippling. The consequences don't seem as severe.

Athletes and eating disorder individuals alike have a tendency to push our bodies to the limit. How fast and far can we run/exercise? How fast and far can we run/exercise on such little food? How many days can we go without nourishing ourselves? How many times can we purge and still conceivably stand upright? How many things can we pack into one day to consider ourselves successful?

We do this with no real forethought, or I should say the forethought may be there but it gets pushed aside for the ED's wants, needs, and gratifications. I'm sure many can relate. It's a hard boat to row ashore. If we ever want to get better, we have to start thinking about the consequences. The sad thing is that even when we think about the consequences, it doesn't really hit us how badly it can get until we've already reached that point and beyond.

With thinking about the ED and my foot, I had to remind myself of the possible outcomes if I continued to push to reach my optimum level of running. Basically, if I planned on running any marathon this year, that chance could be ruined. So for the next month, as hard as it is for me, I'm going to heed my Dr.'s advice and keep the running to low level mileage.

Note--I was originally hoping to upload the MRI images of my foot, however, it looks like the software is only for hospitals and physicians. I'm hoping to see them on Monday when I visit S., my physical therapist friend, who works at the hospital.

10K

This morning I got up at a bright and early 5 AM to go to the local 10K race downtown. I tried hard to get to bed early (11:40 PM in this case). I was successful with that but woke up several times during the night afraid I missed my alarm going off. The last I checked it was 5:02 AM (really that's 4:52 AM as I keep all my clocks set 10 minutes fast. I got that from my mother).

I left at 5:45 AM. It was raining. Ugh! I arrived in plenty of time and was going to park where the flyer said we should park. Well, I couldn't figure out where that was exactly. It was not where I thought it was and wound up driving around for 30 minutes. Finally, I screwed that idea and parked somewhere downtown. I managed to park at the newspaper building which was just a few feet from the start line. It was still raining at this point, and I was beginning to get chilled and nervous. I must have gone to the porta-porty three times within an hour!

There were a lot of people here for a local race--over 3,000. Everyone gathered at the start line. By this time, the rain had stopped. The gun went off, and off we went. I had no clue where I was and apparently mid-pack, so it took me a little longer than I expected to find a pace. By mile 2, I finally did. The rest of the race was uneventful except for whatever reason, I felt sick during the race and at the end of the race. I felt really bad for this poor girl who thought I might hurl on her (sorry gross I know) at the finish line. I didn't and managed to find a porta-potty again.

During the race, there was one person who stuck out at me. She was quite thin. I do not know whether she had an ED, but her running style was what I see a lot of very thin people look like running--kind of crouched, low to the ground, with long strides. I'm not making any generalizations, just observations. She wound up passing me after I had her at some point. It took a lot for me not to kill myself to reach her and pass her. I don't know why that competitive streak comes out in me. It's always been a bit of a achilles heal for me and seems to come and go.

All in all, the race went fairly well. I'm not sure what my exact time was as I don't remember what the announcer said, and I forgot to stop my watch right at the finish line.

I called my parents after the race since they both wanted to know how I did. Both of them thought I did well, but my dad says, "you know if you had ran that pace at the marathon, your time would have been incredible. If you had just run a few more miles, just think of the time." :sigh: I agreed that my time would have been better but no need to dwell on the subject now.

The rest of today will be spent just doing things around here. I may take a nap this afternoon as well. What I really need is a day to sleep in really late. Maybe tomorrow since I'm off in the morning. I know next week is going to be very busy, so I need to keep myself out of the exhaustion state.

I hope everyone has a happy and safe 4th of July!

Satire or rude commentary?

June 26, 2008
Non-Runner Dies While Not Running

A Mississippi man died yesterday while not running in a local marathon.

Les Actiff, 43, of Jackson, Miss., collapsed while watching television in his Hattiesburg home. Attempts to revive him failed, and paramedics pronounced him dead at the scene.

He was still clutching a bucket of fried chicken.

Like 25% of the U.S. population, Actiff was obese. Federal statistics show that nearly a third of U.S. adults 20 years and older are obese; about two-thirds are overweight. Actiff had been a non-runner for more than 20 years, according to his family and friends.

Family members were stunned.

"I don't get it," said his wife, Bess. "He didn't run all his life. He was always so inactive. And now, this. You just never know, I guess."

"At least he died doing what he loved," she added. "Not running."

Spectators gathered outside Actiff's home were similarly shocked.

"I'll never not run," said one woman. "It's too dangerous."

A large man on a scooter, out walking his dog, was more fatalistic: "If you can avoid doing a single positive thing for your health your whole life, just sit around like a lump and eat poorly and then still drop dead... Well, I just don't know. I guess when it's your time, it's your time."

Actiff appears to have died from atherosclerotic heart disease, according to Lamar County Coroner Paul Caste.

A memorial service is planned for Saturday, at the Pizza Hut off of I-59.

First off, I did not write this piece. It is from a blog entry in Runnersworld. If you haven't gathered, it is supposed to be a satire. However, is it really? Many in the running community have been upset that when an athlete dies suddenly in a running event, headlines asking whether running is safe appear everywhere.

It's interesting reading the comments from this entry. Some people found this incredibly hilarious, in the same liking as the satirical Onion. Others found it not funny, in poor taste, and felt like it was being critical of obese people.

There is no doubt good satire is funny with proper taste. However, weight, obesity, personal lifestyle tends to tread on a fine line. Maybe I'm a bit sensitive when it comes to these topics. I know I've preached this before but I truly do believe education, awareness, and helpful strategies have a better chance at providing lasting change in any avenue of life.

Bizarre encounter 2 for today

On my runs, I frequent many dogs. Some days are better than other, but I always call a day when I haven't actually gotten bitten again by a dog a good day. :-) I got a late start for my run today. About two miles into my run, this dog comes from out of nowhere and then proceeds to leap on me. This was joyful leap, not a "I'm going to eat you" type of leap. It was a young dog, still a puppy actually. Bu the bizarre thing was how much he looked like my dad's dog who was found wondering by the kennel and almost getting run over until my co-worker saved him.

I happened to have my phone on me today since I was waiting for a phone call, so I took a quick snap shot of
him. This was the only one I could get of him standing still.


Now look at this picture of my dad's dog, Leroy. See, the uncanny similarities. These two dogs could have seriously been brothers.

The dog ran with me for awhile until a school bus stopped to let off some children. Although this was not his family, he clearly wanted the attention from them. It worked out and saved me a drive from having to drop him off where I saw him before he followed me. Yes, I've done this on quite a few occasions. The rest of the run was an easy day running in light rain.

Cold feet continued

In my last post, I wrote about the two guys who e-mailed me about running. I got a response back from one of them. However, he wants to run over the weekend, but at a time that I am at work. So it's probably not doable unless he wants to change his time for running. Curiosity got the best of me, and I actually looked this guy up from the half marathon race results from the Flying Pig. I honestly only wanted to know his age. I was kind of relieved when I found out he was close to my age, just a few years younger. Still, it doesn't change the fact that I know nothing about him.

The other guy has yet to e-mail back, but apparently, I did not type in his address correctly.. It's amazing how forgetting a number or two in an e-mail can go directly to someone else. It reminded me to double check and take closer looks at e-mails when typing.

It's funny, because yesterday while at work, I saw two women running down the road--one even with a stroller. I was so tempted to yell out something like "hey, you want another running buddy" or "runner over here." But of course, my notions of realizing how foolish I would be returned and thus, I just watched them go by.

So for now, it's solo, but that's okay too.

Hmmm, cold feet?

A few months ago, I joined a local listserv for runners. I had mostly been a lurker until today when I decided to make a post. I always feel weird posting on message boards of any sort. I think I get afraid that no one is going to respond or that maybe everyone is just going to disagree with me, etc. And I know I'd feel awful if I was the one to have caused some kind of flaming war.

Recently, the messages were about forming running groups in the area. There is apparently already one established group, but I am unable to go due to distance and scheduling purposes. So I decided to make a post asking if there were any people in my area who would like to run with me or form a group. Surprisingly, I already received 2 e-mails. Both from men, however. I don't know their ages or anything For all I know they could be old geezers or maybe some young, hot, cute guys. ;-) I only know that one of them ran the half marathon at the Flying Pig.

I e-mailed them both back, however, right after sending that e-mail, I felt a little worried. I tend to second guess myself a lot, so I'm not sure if my reaction stems from that or is a more valid one. Maybe I'd feel differently if these people were women. Granted, women can be harsh critics but at the same time, there is less threat of anything bad happening.

I've done online dating before, and this is like going on a blind date, except that I know nothing about these people. Am I overreacting? Maybe I'm just not ready to run with people yet and should stick to being solo? I'm going to have to sleep on this one.