During each session, I am supposed to read aloud my account. I think in some ways this causes me more anxiety than the actual writing bit. The first time I did this, I was incredibly nervous and read through it like some maniac in a speed reading contest. C. noticed this and asked if I could reread it and try to "feel" the emotions. The second time around, I still didn't really "feel" the emotions, but apparently, it must have affected me more than I thought. Right after I left, I had what I call mini panic attacks. It's not the first time this has happened when broaching this subject, and it will unlikely be the last.
At this last session, I knew I would have to read aloud what I had written. I had already warned C. that I didn't remember a lot of sensory type details, only the facts of what happened. After listening, C. said she felt like she was listening to a story. In essence that it really wasn't me, my story. This is very typical "dissociation"-like behavior that many of us do when we are hurt or something is too painful to cope with/discuss. And I'm certainly not immune to it. Even in the past, various specialists have told me that I talk about the ED in a third person-esque tone, despite using "I" statements. So obviously, I'm pretty good at this technique, albeit it is not the best at times.
Then, C. posed a theory, saying "I wonder if this could be related to your blog writing--that you're so used to that type of writing you aren't fully able to connect with the emotions."
In some ways, this could be a possibility. When I blog (though it is ultimately for myself), I am well aware that I am writing to an audience. Even though I talk about my feelings and emotions, there is still a kind of guardrail. This is improvement from a ten-foot tall wall which would have surrounded me years ago, but the guardrail continues to leave an element of distance, of protection of sorts. Sometimes, I wish I could be like other bloggers and be raw, intense, thought provocative, really displaying my emotions. I'm not saying that I haven't at times, because I'm sure if I look back through the archives, there are some that tug at the core. Most times, I think it is more due to insecurities, but that is a post for another day.
C. thinks that maybe we should drop the writing a bit and try to "talk," that maybe that way I could feel more of the emotions. While this is true, this does lend to feeling more emotions in a sense, it also is very hard for me to talk about (10+ years of never really talking about it). The last time I tried, I went into a dissociation state, almost shutting down in therapy and then reverted to a bad ED cycle of restriction and what felt like effortless running.
So I don't know what to tell C. I'm really not sure how to completely "let go" if you want to call it that. Maybe dealing with this
Curious do any of you feel like blog writing deters you from connecting with your emotions, or does it do the opposite and enhance it? Or has it not changed a thing?
Note:--*image is from Garden State Highway Products, a company who supplies traffic signs and safety products. I liked this image since it shows a guardrail around a dangerous curve, something I can metaphorically speak of.