This week has been a fairly ho-hum kind of week. Of course, compared to revealing secrets last week, anything is considered more tame. Surprisingly, however, I've managed better than I anticipated. In my other attempts to get past this particular secret/issue, it would leave me headed for a downward spiral. So the fact that I haven't gotten too disorderly is a positive sign. But then again, maybe I have some of other issues that are stirring in my mind.
Last Friday, I had an interesting talk with a client who happens to be a former professor of mine. We got into talking about the new undergraduate degree in gender and women's studies which is slated for approval in the fall. I had been thinking of possibly getting this degree since I already have 12 hours in the department, just didn't finish my actual minor in college.
I expressed my concern to P. would be how could the degree help me for a future purpose. She rattled off some ideas, and then said, "if you were to close your eyes, how do you see yourself in the world? What is your purpose in the world?"
Although P. asked this in the nicest, thought provoking way as possible, it was still probably one of the worst questions to ask me. My simple answer is an "I don't know." This answer is better than a few years ago where I couldn't even envision myself in the future at all. Yet still, I struggle with what am I supposed to do with my life? What is my purpose? How do I really go about finding it? Where does my passion really lie?
I've read a number of books about overcoming your quarterlife crisis, trying to find what it is in life you enjoy, stories of other people recreating an enjoyable life for themselves that isn't stuck behind some CEO job, etc.
Yet again, I get lost in it all, feeling overwhelmed, feeling like I'll never figure it out at all due to some existential anxiety/crisis of sorts. I know I'm certainly not the only one in the same boat. So many people question themselves about this at one point or another in their life. Why is it even when you get to this point, you continue to feel like you are the only one who will fail at this?
Right now, P.'s question just keeps replaying over and over in my head like a broken tape recorder. I don't know which is better to be honest--thinking about horrible crap from the past which is depressing, shameful, guilt-ridden or thinking about the future which just creates loads of anxiety.
So that's where I'm at this week. The one good thing out of discussing this with P. was that she said she would try to help me in any way possible and that she is my cheerleader. What a sweet thing to say!
On another note, it's good I have a therapy appointment on Monday. I can't remember if I mentioned that I brought Tovah with me at my last session. She did stellar! This week, I'm bringing Baxter.
*Here is an interesting study on the Role of Existential Anxiety in Anorexia Nervosa. I don't necessarily agree with all of it but food for thought anyway.
Here is also a cyber sermon about existential angst from James Park at U. of Minnesota. Personally, I can relate to a lot of what he says in this prsentation, however, at the same time, it feels over the top too?