A lapse on a slippery slope

Sarah from Bearing, Eating, Being blog told Cammy in a recent comment: "Slips and lapses can be turned around if you recognize what you've done and take immediate steps (as in THAT DAY) to change them."

In eating disorder recovery, there are bound to be slips, lapses, and even relapses (though I disagree that that is a requirement). It truly does matter how we respond to each event in determining whether we slide down the slippery slope or continue to climb our way back to the top. Sometimes, it's an easy choice to climb back up the slope, while at other times, you feel doomed and propelled downwards whether it is a conscious choice or gravity simply pulling you down.

I say all this, because I experienced a horrible lapse Sunday after already being tipped on the edge of the slippery slope. I purged for the first time in over 8 1/2 months which sums only a handful of time in the last year in a half. Somehow, I feel the need to justify myself--was in crippling stomach pain, doubled over, could barely walk, but really what average person thinks about purging when they are in severe pain? Despite feeling much better afterwards, not like some euphoric high but just better physically, there were after effects. This after effect, I had forgotten about, one that has not happened to me in all my ED years.

Subconjuctival hemorrhage, the medical term for a rupture of a blood vessel in your eye.

Yes, that is my eye in all its bloody glory. Seriously though, I was shocked when I saw this the next day as I was leaving for my therapy appointment. At first, I was very concerned, but after talking to my optometrist, I realized there wasn't much that could be done except a cold compress, prescription drops if there was pain, and waiting 10-14 days for the blood to reabsorb. I spoke to a friend about how this could have occurred since it has not in my many years of ED. Her answer, "well, you're older, your body is older and reacts differently, and EDs are cumulative."

In essence, this proved to be yet another reminder at the ill effects of purging. I know subconjuctival hemorrhage occurs with other things like a violent sneeze or cough, but there is such an element of shame in the fact that it was purging that caused this. At least, this is the way I feel about it. A few people have asked me about it, and I admit, I make up an excuse that something hit me in the eye. I know I could very well say I was violently ill with stomach bug and vomited, but somehow, that feels too close for comfort.

I truly know it is useless to self abuse myself further by dwelling on this incident. I am positive that purging is NOT going to become a habit again. But the question remains now about what next? Do I dust myself off, climb back the mountain or let gravity pull me down? I know which answer is right and logical, and that is the answer I want to give of course. But do I really believe it?

Ultimately, I know I'm going through a rough patch with an overgrown number of weeds, and it is not wise for the weeds to continue to accumulate nor the patch to grow any further. Therefore, I need to use some weed killer and monitor the patch. Because, in the end, who really wants weeds anyway?

Note--*I have no clue whether that last metaphor actually made sense.
*That photo was really hard to take. Had it been my left eye rather than my right, it would have been much easier and the picture clearer. I guess you get the idea though.

Drop Dead Diva

The show Drop Dead Diva premiered last night. The show centers around the question of brains versus beauty. I had read some good reviews of this show, so I was interested to see how it would play out. My other reason for watching the show is because I am a fan of Maragaret Cho, though I do admit some of her stuff can be a bit on the raunchy side for my taste.

Quick case of characters:

Jane, played by Brooke Elliott--Plain, plus-sized woman who is a kick ass lawyer and very smart. She suffers from insecurity and self-esteem issues.

Teri, played by Margaret Cho--Jane's assistant who seems to know everything about Jane. We haven't seen if she has a quirky side yet, but she seems to provide stability for Jane.

Deb, played by Brooke D'Orsay--Thin, blonde, and shallow. She is an aspiring model for the Price is Right show.

Grayson--Deb's boyfriend who loves Deb.

Stacy--Deb's best friend who is like her identical twin--thin, blonde, and shallow

Kim--works in the same law firm as Jane. Seems to feel second fiddle to Jane. Thus, she tries to sabotage her. She is a wannabe "diva" personality.

Fred--Jane's guardian angel who looks out for her.

Parker--The boss at the law firm who feels Jane has insecurity issues.

A brief synopsis: Jane takes a bullet for Parker and gets killed. Meanwhile, Deb dies in a car accident, distracted by talking on the phone with Stacy. Deb, then goes to a holding station to determine whether she goes to heaven or hell. Fred who checks her in says she is a "zero," having done no bad deeds but also no good ones either. Deb, mad, hits the "return" button which sends her back to Earth.

As divine intervention goes, she winds up in Jane's body, taking on the traits of Jane, including her smartness but keeping hold of her own memories. Fred has now become her guardian angel to help Jane with this transition.

Obviously, it is hard for Deb to be Jane, as Jane lacks everything she aspires to--nice figure, good wardrobe, always craves food, etc. It's very much the stereotype of how many people see "fat" people in society. However, Deb really does enjoy the fact that she has acquired Jane's brain and is now smart. There are several moments in the show where you see she is absolutely astonished by this new trait.

The rest of the show revolves around several court cases in which Jane wins, partly by brains and partly by her knowledge of the "shallow" world of people. There is also of course the irony of boyfriend (Grayson) now working in the law firm. Thus, he and Jane will see a lot of each other. Romantic sparks, anyone? However, they will have to get past Kim, the co-worker who we know probably has some tricks up her sleeve. The issue of women and competition is played out between these two characters.

As you can see, there are a variety of themes here. Perhaps, the one that most intrigued me besides how we view body image and stereotypes is the issue of self-esteem. There is a scene in the show where Jane has a client who is getting divorced from her cheating husband. The woman, is a bit dowdy, obviously lacking a lot of self-esteem, and would rather the divorce go away than go through with court. Jane convinces her that she needs to fight and get half of the settlement, that she deserves that. Jane asks her: "How much do you think you are worth?" The woman, unsure, eventually decides she is worth at least half of the settlement. From there, there are some ups and downs, but in the end, the woman allows her self confidence to grow, realizing she does have self worth and is a strong woman who can stand up for herself.

Though the show is cliche-ish, light-hearted, andpredictable, I'm all for showing how society works, how body image is portrayed, why self-esteem is important, etc. Although we know this as a society, I don't think it truly gets ingrained into people's heads why these issues matter. The show reminds me a lot of Ugly Betty but with different career paths.

In general, I think there is some promise for this show. There are humorous moments as well as moments that make us take a look at ourselves and society. The cast is good, but Brooke carries the show for sure. I'll be interested to see how the episodes fare in this season.

Anyone else watch it? What are your thoughts?

NuVal

Last week while grocery shopping, a brochure caught my eye. It was for something called NuVal which sounds like some type of gimmicky product. After several days, I finally got around to reading it.

What is NuVal? Apparently, it is a new scoring system for foods. Currently, it is debuting at the stores Price Chopper, HyVee, and Meijer. The premise of the scoring system is to rate the health of food products based on a scale of 1-100, 1 having the least nutrition and 100 the most nutrition. The idea is that this simple system (like an at-a-glance) will help enable consumers to make informed decisions about the foods they buy as well as give an ability to compare products based on price and nutrition.

The NuVal scoring system is based on the Overall Nutritional Quality Index (ONQI) algorithm which considers over 30 nutrients and takes into account trans fats, quality of macronutrients, and the density of food products. The development of the NuVal system itself is headed by Dr. David Katz, an Associate Professor of Public Health at Yale University School of Medicine, along with 12 other experts in medicine, nutrition, and public health. Their goal is to havea NuVal score for the over 50,000 food products in an average store. One nice thing is that this is independently funded, so there is no promotion by manufacturers or other food companies.

In general, I think this is an interesting approach to take, much better than displaying calories on menus, billboards, etc. In the "Nutritional Insights" section of the website, it emphasizes that there are no "good" or "bad" NuVal scores--that it's just an objective tool. It makes the point that you don't have to buy the highest NuVal score, but rather that you may simply choose a product because you love it. That's actually an important statement for me to read as I have a tendency to base my food choices on the highest value of nutrition versus just taste. (post here on health versus instinct)

It will be interesting to see how this works and whether consumers catch on to using this system. There does seem to be more of an educational aspect here than just good calories and bad calories.

What is your opinion? Could this be a valuable tool for consumers and their food choices? Would/will you use this system?

Borborygmus

I happened to catch this word, borborygmus (pronounced bor-buh-rig-mus), in a recent issue of O! magazine. I don't read this magazine often, but secretly only bought it because there were some interesting articles on animals in it. And who says we don't buy magazines for content? Ha!

Anyway the magazine said the definition was "the grumbling noises your stomach makes." Well, immediately, I thought hunger. This is true to an extent, but after some quick google search, it's actually the sound produced from gas movement in your intestines. Bleh, that is nice to know eh? It's just that the growling is typically associated with the stomach, because it is usually louder.

The origin of borborygmus is Greek, translating as an onomatopoeia (a word that imitates the sounds it makes) meaning "rumbling." This Scientific American article explains in detail the mechanism of what is going on in your body. In digestion, there is a term called peristalsis. It is a series of wave-like muscular contractions which helps move food along within the digestive tract. Peristalsis increases with the consumption of food, however, it also occurs in the absence of food and when the stomach and small intestines have been empty for about two hours. Once this has occurred, stomach receptors respond by causing a reflex generation of waves of electrical activity (migrating myoelectric complexes) that leads to hunger contractions. This then leads to an intestinal "housecleaning" of sorts which causes the grumbling noises associated with hunger.

It is good to distinguish here that these are NOT hunger pangs which result 12-24 or more hours after the last meal. The borborygmus is more like a false hunger pang.

I bring this up, because I know for so many of us, it seems are bodies are constantly hungry. This is true after years of deprivation, and it is quite nuisance when it seems our bodies do not believe we have just fed it! However, I think a lot of what we are feeling too is this borborygmus, at least after initial refeeding.

I know the worst time this has happened is when I've been at therapy appointments and my stomach decides to growl loudly despite having eaten a short time ago. None of my therapists have ever said anything, but I always wonder if then, they question whether I have eaten or not. This borborygmus (it's nice to have a name to it) always makes me want to shout, "Really, yes, I have eaten, just an hour or two ago, I swear." And then, I just imagine some stare, eyes looking down upon me, like a schoolteacher looking over her glasses, saying "Uh-huh." Then, it makes me feel guilty for all the times I've lied about not eating, when really now, I just want to be believed.

Reasons why the BMI is bogus

This was on NPR's Weekend Edition. I thought it was fabulous! Everything is according to the BMI these days, and it drives me insane. Even when doctors, nutritionists, and other professionals know how bogus the BMI is, it still holds such authority. I get that professionals want a general statistic, but really ,couldn't they come up with something better than a formula dated to the 19th century! Yes, it is 200 years old!

To my delight, the Top 10 reasons why the BMI is Bogus

Personally, I really like 2, 3, and 4 best.

Are food and politics intertwined?

I just read this interview from Michael Pollan, author of the Omnivore's Diet and In Defense of Food, on alternet.org Pollan is a popular interviewee and never seems too shy to share his opinion (in good taste though). The interview discussed Pollan's thoughts about the politics of food and how food is viewed in his own home. I found a few interesting things he said about his once picky-eater son who has now embraced food.

But he basically found food scary and overwhelming. And so he controlled that by eating food that was as bland as possible. He was the same way about clothes. He didn't like any variety in clothing. So he wore black clothes for about eight years of his childhood. Ate white, dressed black. In both cases, in retrospect, he was trying to reduce sensory input. It was overwhelming. Smell was overwhelming, taste was overwhelming, colour was overwhelming. And he just had trouble processing.

He never mentions if his son ever had anything like autism which could explain part of this since overwhelming sensory input is a known trait. But I wonder how true this is for other picky-eaters who do not have a diagnosable illness. Is it about sensory control?

Later in the interview, Pollan says:

Kids' relations to food are complex. This generation will have its own neuroses, that's for sure. But it's very concerning that there are such high levels of allergies among kids nowadays. The reasons are as yet unexplained. But I've heard that it has complicated kids' relationships with food because so many have allergies, or think they do.

I've discovered cooking and gardening are great ways to get kids to reorient their relationships to food in a positive way. Kids will eat things that they'll pick in the garden that they'll never eat off the plate. Or they'll eat things that they've cooked themselves. Because I think a big issue for them is control. Food is really, I think, a primary political phenomenon. It is the first time you can control what you take into your body, and the first time you can say no to your parents and assert your identity. So I think food and politics are very intertwined.

I agree that helping gardening and cooking are good ways to help children develop a positive relationship with food, but I am unsure of his comment that food is about control. I know he is probably talking more from personal experience than about eating disorders and dieting here, but if we look at it in that context, isn't that one of the misconceptions---that food is about control? Are food and politics that intertwined? I think on a national/global scale, food and politics do mesh, but I don't know on a personal level. If it is as he says, I think a lot of us are actually trying to shed some of the identity we have placed on ourselves or as others have seen us.

What are your thoughts?

Another example of the skewed view of my body

Just when I was about to write a post about how I was struggling with body image and that perhaps I was at my set point, something bizarre happened yesterday. Here's a little back story. Within the past month or so, I've been having terrible neck pain. It's like my neck would rather be disconnected to my head right now as the weight of it feels so heavy. This is causing some headaches which I know is stemming from my neck pain. Along with this, I've also had several incidents of my left hand having numbness, especially after weed eating or dremeling my dogs' nails. Several times, I've woken up to a numb hand. I have no clue what has precipitated either of these things, and it has me a tad worried.

My doctor thinks it is just a pulled muscle in my neck and that my muscle in my arm is basically suffocating my medial nerve. She's hoping with physical therapy that will help release the muscle over the nerve in my hand which will help my neck as well. Though I know PT is expensive (and it is on an individual plan), I really don't have a choice since this really could get worse if I don't have treatment. (Hmm, I'm just thinking of the irony as I write this--how something physical with my body can prompt me to get help so quickly but when it is my head or ED, it takes me forever to seek treatment)

Anyway, that's the back story of why I was there. This Dr. doesn't know about the ED (yes, I know that probably isn't the best thing but I just never felt warranted to say anything since I only see her for orthopedic, muscle problems in relation to running). Being weighed is the first thing they do. At times, I've politely asked not to be, but other times, I hop on there out of curiosity.

Well, the last few weeks have been absolutely horrible body image. I was sure I'd gained more weight than I'm comfortable with since my exercising habits have been virtually non-existent (I realize this can be a good thing at times) and my eating has felt on the verge of bingeing.

The scale read much differently than I'd expected, and I was shocked. My only comment that would have even referenced this was my therapist's when she said how "I looked smaller," which I only brushed off to having my hair in a ponytail. So this number doesn't make sense to me. I've been eating A LOT, not exercising, my clothes don't feel any differently, and I have felt absolutely huge.

I don't know how to feel about it. Do I feel better that I'm not at the weight I thought I was? Do I feel worse that I still have such skewed body image and that my brain and body are still so disconnected?