Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Meltdown

I don't know how many of you are familiar with canine body language, but it's really quite essential for dogs and humans. Most times, people do not read canine body language well, and wind up miscommunicating with the animal. This can result in snapping , biting, dog fighting, and a number of other possibilities. The topic itself is way too much information to explain here, but there are many good dog books out there with photo illustrations. If anyone is interested, feel free to e-mail me for some titles.

But the one I want to mention here is FEAR, because that's how I'm feeling.



The picture of this puppy here is a good example of fear. If you look closely, you can see what we call the "whale eye" of a dog, similar to the white part of the eye of a whale. Dogs present this when they are fearful. They look through the sides of their eyes rather than turning their whole head which is the more normal response for dogs.

Yesterday's therapy session wound up being mostly about fear. This conference cemented the fact that I'm so fearful of the future, what to do, what not to do, etc. Much of this is my own doing I admit. It would be way too hard to explain here, but those of you who know me better, will probably understand. C. asked me about the fear, and I had the absolute hardest time talking about it. I sat there trying desperately to hold back my tears, quivering in the process of even trying to articulate anything. It was like a meltdown, one I have not had in a very long time. Even C. said she could see the massive amount of fear I had in my eyes which is surprising since I had such a difficult time even looking at her. I tend to get that way when I'm talking about really hard things.

I left with her asking me whether I wanted to come back which I found odd? I told her I did, and we set up the appt. for next week. She asked me to drive a different route again, but I just couldn't. I was very tired and wrecked emotionally. I could barely keep it together in the grocery store and just wanted to get home to cry in private honestly. I didn't cry, but wound up sleeping for several hours and then doing nothing the rest of the day but edit photos from the conference.

It's like I can make progress in other areas of my life but this one has a huge stop sign in front of me. Even when C. uses metaphors of being in a big pool and sticking your toe in before jumping all the way in, I feel like even when I do that, it still doesn't make me feel any more confident. And I don't know what will give me confidence.

Within the past several weeks, I've been digging around as to certain aspects of my fears and my job which is of course all good and well, but it's now finding a way to move beyond them. And this is where I falter. I honestly don't think it's because I'm stubborn, it really is about the FEAR. I know that may sound like there is an easy fix, but I think you can get to a point when it is much more complicated.

Right now, I'm just feeling so broken in many ways that it hurts so immensely. It's like I can see myself from the outside, and feel such sadness for myself (not in a pity way). I see many people around me capable of moving on with their lives even through many difficulties, so why do I have such a hard time with it?

:sigh: Every time I even think about this subject, all I want to do is cry, and I am seriously not a crier. Yesterday was a really hard day and today doesn't feel any better.

Sorry for the sad post. I'm just majorly down.

5 comments:

Gaining Back My Life said...

Not only are you tired, but you are trying to work through stuff too. That almost always = disaster. Don't berate yourself for not taking another route, and don't question your t's "do you want to come back" remark.

Just keep moving forward. Lots of people (including me!) are rooting for you and hope you continue to work through this difficult time.

As Tim Gunn would say, "Carry on, then!"

KC Elaine said...

how are you? waiting for an update when you're up to it hon.

Tiptoe said...

GBML, you're right that the cumulation of being tired and already emotional was a recipe for disaster. I just wasn't so aware of it until that day.

Yep, Tim Gunn is the best. I love some of his lines!

Kyla, thanks for asking. So-so right now. I'll update soon.

Cammy said...

I'm really sorry you're having a rough time, please hang in there. It sounds like you had to confront some things, and it's ok to take a little bit of time (ie a night doing photos, getting extra sleep, etc) to let fears and frustrations really sink in so you can deal with them. Don't underestimate yourself, and don't underestimate either how much you deserve to move forward or how capable you are to do so. One day at a time, remember? I hope that things are looking up, have a great weekend, please take care and treat yourself kindly.

Tiptoe said...

Cammy, thank you for your sweet words. Yes, it is one day at a time, and this week has just felt like it's gone on forever.

I'm trying to be compassionate to myself and know that I'm having a hard time. It's just a lot to think about right now.