Monday, January 5, 2009

Food, anxiety, and no real point in this post

For most adults and children, Monday marks the return to work and school. I've already heard the groans miles away from several people, wishing for more vacation time. It's hard to get back to normal when you haven't had to worry about it.

For me, even though, I'm actually off for two days, I feel this "need" to begin anew with a slew of things on my "to do" list. Maybe I feel this way only because it is the start of a new year and my anxiety has crept back in, asking for more of my attention. The last several weeks with the addition of the new puppy, my anxiety was at least geared towards her versus me and my future. Perhaps, I'm thinking about it more, because I actually talked about this very issue with my friend, the physical therapist S. And for me, talking about it fuels the anxiety.

Then, my anxieties move on to other things. For example, I've decided this year to try to be more social in simple get-togethers with people. Today, Tovah and I had a play date with S. and her miniature schnauzers. Tovah had a wonderful time playing, and I enjoyed catching up with S. and her husband about their holiday. I also found out S. was 12 weeks pregnant which was exciting in and of itself. That leads to other feelings, but that's another post for another day.

S. and her husband were also the same people who made me my mystery dinner, you know the one I had major anxiety over. Again, she challenged (unknowingly of course) me in that she ordered pizza! I think she felt a little weird about that too, because she thinks I'm some health food nut. It's similar to those people who all never want to curse in front of me, because they think I'm some sweet angel. Ha, I guess I have everyone fooled. Seriously though, I'm not a big profanity fan in general, only at appropriate times.

Anyway, pizza isn't entirely a fear food for me, but it's one that is very low on my list to eat. I find it too cheesy, too greasy, and just leaving me burping the rest of the night. However, I obliged and ate two pieces with two breadsticks. It was good for the most part. Unfortunately, it didn't sit well with me, having to use the toilet more frequently than expected. But the good thing is that in the past, this would have been a food I would have purged without any further thought. So this will more than likely just meet my one of two times of my quota this year for pizza. Silly, isn't it to have a quota? It's the only way my mind wraps around eating a food like pizza. Maybe not completely the "right" nor "recovered" t hing, but it does get me by for now.

However, now that I've had this spontaneous moment with food, another friend asked to treat me to dinner on Tuesday night. I actually had something else planned but haven't decided what to do yet as this friend and I have been trying to get together for awhile. Plus, this would also be my third outing in three days (Monday, I'm visiting a friend).

This just ramps up the anxiety. Maybe scheduling three possible social events in three days was too much? I'm suddenly also recognizing my size again. Part of this was due to weighing myself a few weeks ago which was just stupid in the long run. But instead of restricting like I normally might, I actually ate more which now leaves me slightly panicked. My running routine has also been out of sorts too which leaves me feeling a bit on the guilty side even if the reasons were valid. And on top of that, I really need to go grocery shopping tomorrow. I'm in a bit of a funk with that too. I don't want to necessarily buy what I normally buy as I feel bored with it, but at the same time, I don't know what to actually buy that I won't freak out over or regret buying later.

I know this post is kind of all over the place and does't really have a focal point, but I'm too tired to try to deal with it for now. Hopefully, I'll post some other substantial stuff soon. I have other post ideas in mind from my current reading selections that I want to address.


Lola Snow said...

I really understand where you are coming from with this. Now I am actively trying to recover, definitely maintain my weight, and trying to put a bit of weigh on I'm getting the "reverse anorexia" mentality. Panicing about not eating enough, worried that I might be losing weight, pushing myself to eat scary foods, but at the same time having those contradictory feelings of fatness, and greediness.

I am using each to cancel out the other, and prove that the problem is not to do with either food or eating. I cannot be anxious about both these things at the same time, if I am then they aren't the real problems, the problem is the anxiety. and that is totally solvable with practice and awareness. You are doing amazing work Tiptoe.

Kudos for the pizza. I am aiming to one day eat pizza. But baby steps....

Lola x

Just Eat It! said...

Although I've just begun reading your blog, I'm proud of you for eating a challenge food. Eating out or eating something spontaneous is one of the things I struggle with. I tried to do that this morning and found myself feeling guilty.

I feel overwhelmed on Mondays for the same reason.

Kim said...

Congrats on the spontaneous eating! I know how hard that is. I get very panicky leading up to social events involving food, especially when I don't know what's being served. Somehow, pizza made it onto my safe list a while back, which is very freeing. There are lots of things that still scare me though. Like you, most people assume I'm a "health nut" and sometimes it's easier to just go with that label than to say, "Well, no, actually..." Just do what you need to do to feel safe. I know there's a fine line. Sometimes, I push myself to do these social eating things; sometimes, I know it's just too much for me based on other anxieties going on. Like Lola said, sometimes I'm afraid I'll eat too LITTLE (since my appetite really vanishes when I'm nervous in social settings). Of course, I'm also afraid of eating too much. So, yeah, it's hard. It sounds like you're up for the challenge though. My therapist always tells me to think of them like little experiments. Just because you go out once doesn't mean you have to say "yes" every time. See how you feel :) Sounds like you're really aware and doing great :)

Kara said...

The first thing you said was that you are anxious about the social outings you have planned. Right after that you said that you are starting to worry about your size again. Do you think there is a connection there? That maybe your anxiety over your body is being triggered by the anxiety you have over being social. The real problem is the anxiety over being social, the red herring is the anxiety over your body. Good luck with your social events! Being social can be scary, but i'ts usually always worth it!

Tiptoe said...

Lols, I know you're trying hard too. It's hard to be stuck in that in-between. I guess we both just have to fight it. It is baby steps, and you'll meet those challenging foods one day too!

Just eat it, thanks for your support, and be proud of yourself for at least trying to be spontaneous with food. It's a slow process and takes time to move beyond.

Kim, I knew you had had similar feeling with social settings. There does seem to be a balance about it. I like what your therapist said about not having to say yes every time. That's reaffirming to hear.

Kara, you've been reading Eating in the Light of the Moon. Yes, the anxiety is linked to social situations and my focus does at times become on my body. However, in this case, I actually already felt my body angst prior to the social outing. I've just become more aware of it than say a month or so ago.