The other shoe dropped...

I'm pretty exhausted right now. What I will say is that the shoe did indeed drop. When I arrived here on Sunday evening, things did not look good for my dad. He had a massive brain hemorrhage. Medications and the correct protocol were done, however, bleeding only worsened overnight. The nurse practitioner showed me his digitized scans, and it was apparent. His hemorrhage had begun as a size of grapefruit and grew another few cm in 7 hours time. There was also increased swelling. At this point, he was not a candidate for surgery. And even if he did survive, he would have been left with no speech, hearing, and half side body paralyzed. We all knew he did not want to live that way.

He left this earth at approximately 2:55pm on Monday. Arrangements were quickly made for a traditional Jewish funeral as my dad was Jewish (did not practice but grew up as and believed in the faith). The funeral is tomorrow, and then I have to leave to go back where grieving and processing will resume. It will be hard as I live alone, and come Sunday, that may be rough. Sundays and Wednesdays were his "official" days to call me. We talked at other times too, but he designated those days and absolutely loved to have them. It is very sad knowing there will be no more of those calls.

I will post more later after the funeral and when I get back. I'm just extremely exhausted, but at least not numb. Sometimes, those emotions are hard to feel, but it is how we process, grieve, and heal.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

I kept thinking how I needed to update all of you on what's been happening with my life.  It's actually been a lot of exciting things.   Job wise, I started my own business.  It's actually been in existence, but I feel like it is finally getting off the ground.  I'm meeting new clients who value my time and expertise and are committed to working with their dogs.  I've led some 4-H dog obedience classes which were very successful and am helping with their Dog Show in the summer.  I've finally found a place that will allow me to hold group dog training classes, so that will be getting underway soon.  I've met some good  vets here who are referring me clients.  I've worked with some rescue groups, and they've felt I was a very "rescue friendly" trainer.  I'm also the lead person for the annual dog training conference I go to for local involvement.  Tovah has also started her therapy dog career and is officially certified.  She has done very well at all the places we have gone to - assisted living centers, nursing homes, and one of the local libraries to have kids read to her.  Tuesday, we were meeting with a social worker/volunteer to possibly work as a therapy dog for a support group who helps those who have lost loved ones.

Credit: NPS.gov

So, just as things are beginning to come together, something happens; the other shoe drops.  This evening, I had a call that my father had a massive brain hemorrhage and was unconscious.  The last I heard a few hours ago was that he had some movement on one of his sides and that a neurologist was going to look at him.  I feel awful as it is seems like he just never catches a break.  He has had many illnesses over the years - cancer twice, quintuple by-pass with major complications, chemo twice, sepsis, Diabetes, dementia, chronic kidney disease, and others I'm sure I am missing.  He's been a trooper all along, and we nicknamed him the "kudzu" man, as the kudzu plant is difficult to kill and survives easily.  However, we've all worried when his luck might run out.  


We've been told to come as this could be the end.  We've been told this before, and he has fought his way back.  I like to think this will happen again, but honestly, I am unsure.  I have slight guilt as well which is also why I feel the need to go - flying out tomorrow.  He called me this evening prior to his brain trauma.  I was out mowing so received the message when I came in.  He sounded usual with no problems and said he would call me tomorrow, his usual day.  I thought nothing of this and did not call him back.  I hope I am wrong, and our last conversation won't just be about my car but rather other things.  


It's hard when spontaneous stuff like this happens.  I get thrown into thinking of who will watch the dogs and the bunny, how much do I need to pack, etc. This would not be so bad, except I have no dog food until tomorrow.    


I'll be flying tomorrow afternoon.  I hope the news will be better when I get there.  Please send good vibes and thoughts.  Thanks!

Family surgeries

The last few weeks have been interesting with my family.  About two weeks ago, my mom fell while painting her bathroom.  She went to the ER which in my opinion did not take very good care of her.  They made a preliminary diagnosis of it was broken, put her arm in a sling, gave her pain meds, and sent her on her way.  The next few days afterwards, she was in a lot of pain and really hated feeling immobile.  She told me she had some breakdowns of not being able to put on deodorant, dry her hair, drive, lift her arm, etc.  It really puts in perspective those little things we take for granted.

My mom who is normally a very self sufficient woman had a really hard time with this.  A week later, she had an appt. with the Sports Medicine Dr.  He x-rayed her arm again which showed breaks at the head of the humerus, shattering of the bone, and dislocation.  Her options were limited to reconstructive surgery or letting it try to heal on its own which would have resulted in likely only minimal function.  And since functionality is what she wants, she opted for the surgery.  It is at noon today.

After surgery, of course, there will be a lot of physical therapy.  She is not looking forward to this, and I told her my estimated time for her recovery was at least 2.5-3 months.  She felt a bit grim by this and truly thought that with the surgery, maybe a month later, she would be all fine.  My feeling is there is probably ligament damage which always takes awhile to heal.  In some sense, by telling her this, it has ignited fire in her to take less than that time, I just hope she does not try to do too much, like try to come to my place in October to take care of the dogs while I'm gone.  She's really quite upset about this.

Then, my dad's wife had a surgery last week.  She decided to get a tummy tuck.  So far, she is healing nicely from it.  The question that remains for me is was this for her or for my dad or both?  My guess is both.  She's always been a bit worried about her size--she's tall at 6'0 feet.  And married to someone like my father who is vain (and yes, he would admit to this) is difficult.  He certainly loves his wife, but I know he wished she was smaller.  

With the surgery, she isn't going to be a size 2 or 0 or something, but she will be smaller.  I'm hopeful, it will help with her self image, but I don't know.  I should footnote this with that she had tried diets in the past, got medically tested for thyroid and such, but I also believe she was on a long term asthma medication and/or prednisone which she later learned she should have been getting blood tested for regularly.  She also exercises and eats pretty healthy as well.  We'll see how it all goes.

Hopefully, both recoveries will go smoothly and no complications.

The work update

As you all know, I've been looking for work for the last 4.5 months. It's been tough to put it mildly. I've been looking at both bartending jobs as well as research oriented ones. Some may wonder why I am not looking at that many dog/animal ones. It's mostly because the pay is lousy, there are rarely benefits, or I do not agree with their methods (sorry I can't do something that will be completely unjust to me). This doesn't mean that if I happen to comes across a dog/animal job that I would not take it. There is actually one job that I am looking at, but the interviews won't be until July. That job has a variable amount of factors, but if it worked out, it would be a great opportunity.

Last week, I had 3 interviews. Two which seemed like they could possibly pan out, however, I have not heard back yet. The third one is not for me, so if they do not call back, that is okay.

Needless to say this job searching thing wears and tears on my emotions. Some days, I'm feeling optimistic about it, but at other times, I am not at all and feel frustrated, discouraged, and depressed about the whole thing. It does not help either that in the same conversation, my father will say to me:

Don't be discouraged, something will come up soon

to

Well, you need a job

to

If you want to go to medical/vet school, we'll find a way to make it work.

Sheesh, talk about a mixed set of emotions. It is hard, because my parents are helping me out a lot, and of course I do want and am looking for a job, but sometimes, my father isn't helpful. This is one of those moments where it is sometimes better not to say anything at all unless the other party brings it up. Of course, I do not want it to become one of those "walking on eggshells" feelings like eating, food, weight, etc. once were.

So that's my work report for the time being. I keep trudging along I guess, but it is not always easy.

Brief news on my side of the pond

I don't have much time to write, but I want to say I believe the fence damage has been solved.  It's a bit of a long story, so I will have to write the details later.  Thanks for those who commented and were concerned.  

While trying to solve that mystery, the rest of the weekend has been quite busy with my mom and her husband visiting.  They are so helpful to me when they come.  In the 4 1/2 days they were here, my mom put up new curtains in the living room, basement, and mud room, did all my laundry, hung up some pictures rewired a lamp, put some new outlets covers on, weeded and cut limbs outside, and primed my bedroom--it's white with blue tint.  It makes the room look SO much better.  It was a deep burgundy/red color before.  Her husband, M. worked on my deck, so there is no longer a gigantic hole.  Now I can have chairs, a table, etc. and sit outside in good weather.  He also temporarily repaired the fence, so it is at least secure for the dogs now.

They left this morning.  I have a tendency to go through a little withdrawal, but I have quite a lot to do around here still to keep me occupied.  While we were going to clean out my little pond (we think that is the source of the mosquitoes-yuck!), we found a surprise--lots of tadpoles!  I decided to leave it for now, because in a couple of weeks, they'll turn into frogs and eat more insects.  It'll be a mutual benefit to both of us.

I'll post more soon about everything.  In the meantime, here are a few photos of the tadpoles!

I love you can see the eye in this picture.

Relative update

Just a quick update from my last post, then I'm headed to bed after a long day. My aunt and uncle did visit on Sunday. Other than looking slightly less gaunt from the last time I saw her, my aunt looked pretty much the same as I had remembered her. It was kind of sad, but at the same time, there was one noticeable difference--she was happier looking. I know a lot of this is from getting out of the school system and doing more what she wants. I know she is really enjoying her therapy dog work, agility, and rally, as well as her volunteering jobs. Plus, she travels quite a bit too.

It makes me wonder at times if I am wrong. Maybe she really is that thin? Maybe my perception is too clouded from the ED? Even if she is thin, perfectionistic, rigid, and a private person, that doesn't necessarily label her with an ED. Still though, it makes me wonder.

In any case, the visit was brief and nice, consisting of a tour of the house, meeting the dogs, and visiting my workplace. Then, they were off to go home. We'll see if this leads to a renewed interest in relationship.

Visiting relatives from the past

I received a card back in June from my aunt, J. She was telling me she would be in this area at the end of July and would love to see me. I had meant to e-mail her, but my schedule got really crazy in June and July, so I had forgotten until my mom called me last week, wanting to know if I had talked to J.

I haven't talked about J. must here except for in this post awhile back talking about older women wait eating disorders. If you do not feel like reading that post, here's a basic recap on J.: J. is my mom's younger sister. I've known her since I was very young, however, I have not seen her in at least 15 years or so. We have corresponded here and there through cards and letters, but that's about it. J. is now retired, volunteers at a thrift shop and does therapy dog work, agility, and rally with her shelties. Before this, she was a schoolteacher and very unhappy, mostly due to dealing with administration.

When I was in the throes of my eating disorder, I had suspected J. had anorexia. We had one conversation about it, but that's all that has even been mentioned of it. She never admitted to having anorexia, saying that she did not fit the textbook definition. Of course, I retorted back with that just because someone did not fit a definition did not mean someone did not have the disorder. I don't remember much after that, but we were both teary. I asked my mom after that conversation her thoughts on J. All she said was that they always thought of J. as rigid--that she had always been like that her entire life. Then, I asked why no one ever sought help for her or why not at this point. Why was I somehow more deserving of help than J.? This never really made sense to me, though I know my mom and others probably thought that since I was younger, it would be easier for me to turn around than J. who most likely already had ingrained thoughts and feelings.

J. and my uncle D. will be stopping by tomorrow morning on their way back to VA. This won't be a lengthy visit, but still, there is a bit of awkwardness. Will J. still be how I remembered her--thin, gaunt, aged? Or will she look healthier? What will her thoughts be of me? (she never saw me at my worst, so it will be hard to gauge from any pre-existing appearance other than from when I was a young girl)

Of course, this is just one thought that has run through my head, and it's not my main focus, just curious to see I guess. I plan on showing J and D. the house, letting them meet my dogs + G (Cammy's dog--still away on her trip), and the facility where I work.

In the meantime, I have a lot to do by tomorrow--cleaning, vacuuming, laundry, organizing, dog stuff, etc. I'll keep everyone posted how it goes.

"Blips" continued

First off, apologies for being absent the last week. My mom left on Monday, my dad on Thursday. Then, the rest of the week was playing catch up. This week, a lot was accomplished. With the beautiful weather, we all took advantage of it and worked hard on my yard. A few posts ago, I mentioned my big crater where the above ground pool was. Originally, I was going to make a very large sand box for the dogs, but I nixed that idea after my dad reminded me it could attract stray cats to eliminate there, and they could bring fleas. Instead, I decided to grow grass there.

I bought some starter trees--a kousa dogwood (hopefully mine will look like this one day), an assorted color crab apple tree, an eastern white pine tree for Baxter, because it has these soft pines which he loved, and soon, I'll get a pink magnolia tree. Can you tell I like color and fragrance?

I also bought some flowers for the front yard--azaleas, some blue, pink, purple, yellow, and white ones (can't remember the names off hand). Before I do any of this planting, I have to get some very large dead trees out of my backyard. That's incredibly expensive! Then, I have been trying to dig up overgrown pampas grass. That's like digging up a freaking tree! So far, I've gotten 2 large ones out with 1 left to go which made the screws come out of my shovel. A pick would be better bet for the deep roots and to save my back and hands. I have a nice long scratch from the stiff as board pampas grass.

So basically, this week, my life and money has been spent at Lowe's and Home Depot. Yeah to tax refunds!

**********

Going back to my last post, thanks for the feedback. Everyone made good points, and it is obvious that we don't view our EDs as blips in life. I do agree that it is likely easier for family to view it this way. Minimizing the situation becomes a protective measure for them. How can you acknowledge the problem if it doesn't currently exist?

Cammy asked a good question in how much I reveal to my parents about the ED. The answer is not much. Once I got through my major crisis (high school/early college years), the issue was dropped and placed only in a past tense. A good example of this was at dinner this past week with my father. He had watched a segment on the Dr. Phil show of a 12-year old girl with anorexia. Her parents didn't know what to do and came to Dr. Phil for help. My father asked me, "how did you get over it, recover?" There was a part of me that knew this would have been the best time to say how I still struggled at times, how recovery was a long process. But I didn't. Instead, I put on my "Tiptoe Academic" hat, telling him about all the genetic studies being done, how Maudsley has helped with these type of adolescent cases, how there were many factors to eating disorders, why the BMI is inaccurate, etc. He nodded with me and seemed to try to understand, though he still holds many of the "myth" beliefs with eating disorders. I give him a lot of credit for this as this was never something he seemed to do when I was really ill. Instead, he just got angry, blamed and made me feel guilty (this projection was disguised as guilt for himself though it appeared to me as it was my fault). This resulted in me giving him the silent treatment for a bit which just didn't bode well for all involved. We've since gotten past this point and have a better relationship than before; however, I don't reveal much about ED thoughts, my own weight, my body image hang-ups, etc.

In a way, I feel like I have no right to complain that he has viewed my ED as a "blip." There's a feeling of "what did I expect?" My walls have always been high on those issues and even in the recovery process, they still are with my parents.

There's also a big expectation factor too, especially as my life has taken off in a more positive way. The ED stuff would feel like some sort of failure, a damper of sorts. As I've told other people who think about telling those they know about their EDs, you always have to ask yourself what you hope to gain from it. I think with my parents, I knew I'd never really get what I wanted/needed. Though intentionally, I never meant to cut them out of my ED life, it just seemed easier that way. Most times, I truly do not mind this all that much, but there are times it make me sad and reminds me how much better of an actress I was than I ever would have thought. But on the other hand too, keeping a distance from it has also allowed me to educate my parents and other people. It gives me a sense of hope that people can change, albeit slowly, but it can happen.

In the cheese state!

We're on day three of the trip and in the cheese state, aka Wisconsin! I wanted to take a cheese picture sign but don't have a portable drive to this netbook yet. Unfortunately, cheese and myself do not have a good relationship, so it is doubtful I'll be buying and eating homemade Wisconsin cheese. I have thought about buying some for my landlord since for the past six years, he has always given me cheese at Christmas. He wouldn't get the joke, but I'd find it kind of funny.

Anyway, on Monday, we drove eight or so hours and stopped outside of Chicago at a Courtyard Marriott. I wanted to go some place else that I knew accepted pets for sure, but my dad wanted to be able to use his wife's Marriott's rewards points which only credits it by the way. And yep, they do not allow pets. This seems kind of odd to me, since they have such a cute little courtyard which would be great for pets. I was not happy with this hotel at all. It was way too hot in the room. Baxter was really uncomfortable and hadn't been able to get much exercise that day, so he was agitated. Every time I let him out, I had to be sneaky to make sure no one saw me. There was an area that was fenced and said "no trespassing, employees only," but I went anyway since it was late at night.

The next day, we drove to Wisconsin and visited a few of my dog trainer friends. A. gave me a jacket to have (she apparently has many due to living in WI) since I forgot to pack mine. We had a nice, late lunch at Olive Garden, visited their dog daycare facilities and house, drove through some pretty areas, and then drove a little further past Madison. We would have stayed with my friends, but there were a total of like 8/9? dogs, 2/3 birds, and a cat. It was only 2 of the dogs who were really loud, but I knew my dad would not have done well there.

The next stay was at the Holiday Inn Express which does allow pets, a definite relief for me. The room is a lot better too, and is probably where we will stay in MN as well. The trip, itself, had been going well except for a few hiccups. One is that my loan officer e-mailed me about an error with the disclosure I needed to sign ASAP, fax to my mom, and fax back to him. I did that yesterday, but then he sent me another one about the change in the loan amount he did not realize that again I needed to sign ASAP. I was a little peeved, honestly.

So this brings me to major incident two. I was out walking Baxter last night and decided to stop by the guest computer in the lobby and quickly print out the form to sign. Well, the printer was out of ink. I notified the desk person. She realized they did not have the correct ink cartridge and said I could e-mail the document to her to put out at the front desk. The e-mail didn't go through, so I waited. Then, she had several people checking into the hotel. Then, suddenly, I see my father come into the lobby with an angry look on his face. He saw me and whispered mean words of how selfish I was, how I have to do things my way, how I should have taken my phone, how I should have come to the room to say what I was doing, etc. He eventually went back to the room. I spoke to the desk person--she gave me a different e-mail which went through. She printed off the document, but later I realized part of the document had been cut off, so I couldn't sign it. Ugh! She said she would let me fax at no charge, but she is not there this morning. It won't do any good since I need to reprint the documents.

The rest of the night in the room, my father and I pretty much ignored each other. I ended up going to bed early since I was really tired. I just hate when he does shit like this. I agree I should have had my phone and probably went to the room to say what I was doing, but I seriously didn't think it was going to take that long as it should not have at all. I tried explaining this to him, but he just continued on about how I'm so ungrateful for what he and my mother does and how it seems like I treat them horribly compared to other people.

This is not the first time he has blown up. Actually, his trait of blowing up has happened my entire life. I just hate how one minute he is complimenting me on how he is so proud of me and the next saying what a horrible person I am. The mixed messages are tough, and there is always a conflict of emotions for me. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my parents dearly, but sometimes my dad's emotions are really hard to deal with. There's a lot more details about why he is the way he is, etc., but that's a post.for another day.

The other thing that is really annoying me is he keeps saying how I eat nothing, and this is untrue. I have eaten breakfast every day. I have eaten dinner every day. Lunch has been iffy at times, but I've snacked at appropriate times, etc. I've eaten a lot more in general than I normally do on any of these trips. Sometimes, I feel like going back to my starved ways, because that is obviously how he views me.

My only other gripe so far is that for whatever reason my skin has looked crappy now for like three weeks and my period is likely to start soon which just makes me feel edgier about everything.

:sigh: I hope the next leg of the trip goes more smoothly. Baxter's surgery is tomorrow at 7 AM. I'll post how it goes on facebook, twitter, and here in the hotel room.

Heading to Minnesota

This is going to be a super quick post. I'm headed for Minnesota today. Baxter's surgery is on Thursday morning.

Besides all the stuff with work, this weekend has been a bit tense and stressful. I had to pick up my dad at the airport. We seemed to have miscommunicated, and he could not find where I was in the passenger pick up lane. So instead of listening to me, he just yelled at me. Then, he got angry about the moving plan. He had decided to extend his stay until the 15th which freaked me out! The house closes on the 12th which is when I get possession. Theoretically, I can move in that day. I was going to move in like a week after, so I could get all my stuff packed and not feel rushed. My dad and his wife (she has moved 23 times, closed on 13 houses) had other ideas and wanted me to be moved in by that weekend. This was beginning to feel like THEIR move versus MY move!

This was horribly stressing me out, and he could not understand why I wanted to wait or why I minded to commute to my new job for a week or two. He finally settled down, and I think has decided to go back after we get back. It is a relief to me in some ways since he would be bored out of his mind.

Anyway, we are about to leave. Hopefully, I'll be able to visit a few dog trainers I know in Wisconsin on the way, but we'll see how things go. I'll update everyone from there. I'm very hopeful about this surgery. Please keep Baxter in your thoughts.

Quick update on family member

First off, thanks to the comments I received in my last post about a family member's lap band surgery. The surgery was complicated-free. M. called me yesterday in the afternoon and said he was okay. One thing he had to do was a lot of walking right afterwards due to the excessive amount of air they pumped into him.

He went home this afternoon and apparently had a tough day. The next few weeks are going to be difficult, so I hope the best for him. One good piece of information I learned was that his treatment team expected him to be able to walk two miles in two months time. I was glad they were not neglecting this aspect of after-care.

Now, only time will tell.

Again, thanks for the feedback everyone.

Dealing with a family member's weight situation

Tomorrow, my mother's husband, M. is having lap band surgery. I've known about it since June, but I was not sure whether he was 100% positive. It turns out he is, because he thinks this is the only way he can lose the weight.

The story of M. is not much different from others who have tried to lose weight. M. has been on several diets. The last one was Atkins a number of years ago. Though he did lose a substantial amount of weight, he was unable to sustain its difficult regimen and deprivation. Like most dieters, when he went off Atkins, his weight returned. That was the last major diet that I can remember him trying. Since then, he hasn't been on any diet to my knowledge. His doctors and family are now concerned since he has developed diabetes, has high blood pressure, and has had a mini stroke.

I tend to sit on the fence with this. Part of me knows from literature research how there is a lack of pre-screen mental evaluation, especially among those with gastric bypass surgery. It's also been suggested how crucial follow-up care is (and not enough get) I also know of several people who have had this same procedure done. They have rapidly lost the weight but eventually regained it later in life.

I know M. is well aware of the side effects, how his eating habits will change, etc., but as my mom says, "he is ready for this." I know his decision is already made, but I can at least voice my concerns here. I worry about whether it will really change his mindset/lifestyle or whether it is only a temporary solution to the problem. I fear this will only cause an elimination of foods rather than learning to take a moderated approach. Like many people, he's always looked at his failures as a lack of willpower, thus, feeling like if he just wasn't tempted, it would all be better. Therefore, if you take away the ability to eat, he will be thin, happy, and all will be well.

I also fear how this will affect my mother and her eating habits. My mother is not a cook, and I can seriously imagine her just eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner or just sleeping through dinner (she is the type who could fall asleep right after work).

The other fear I have was from a poster I read on a board discussing whether the side effects were worth it. The poster said, "I can't eat and enjoy foods like I did preband. That is the only side effect I have . Since that was the whole point of having surgery, I can't complain about it, even though a pain free hamburger sounds good every now and then."

M. has always been a person who has seriously enjoyed food. In all honesty, that's always been one thing I admired about him--that he could enjoy food with all its taste and scrumptiousness. Just like as in anorexia and starvation, I worry that that will be gone for the sake of becoming thin.

At this point, I know I don't have much say, but can only hope for the best. I hope he receives adequate follow-up care and can join a support group. In some ways, I'm not sure M. knows what he is in store for despite saying he does. I hope this won't be about restriction but instead incorporating a more healthy lifestyle, e.g. adding in some moderate exercise. Though I sit on the fence with this approach, I hope it works for him, especially from a medical standpoint. Because in reality, I can only imagine what he might feel for himself if it doesn't. A FAIL. And that just continues the cycle all over.

Note--*I hope I do not offend anyone reading this post who may have had lap band or gastric bypass surgery. I know everyone must make their own decision which they feel is best for themselves. I also realize that my perception may be clouded by years of eating disorder abuse. I'm also hoping that I do not come off as judgmental, because I'm truly not trying to be.

Post-Florida thoughts

I'm now back from my trip, glad to be back in my own bed, and see my wonderful dogs again.

Here are some thoughts:

I do get overwhelmed at a large crowd, even if they are supposed to be family members. I find I can put on the happy face, feeling like I know these people, but really I do not.

I get uncomfortable in situations of a constant flow of alcohol. Every night, there was basically a "happy hour" which isn't my thing since I am not a big drinker other than liking some fru-fru drinks like daiquiris, fuzzy navels, etc.

I get bored with unstructured activities.

I am not really that much of a beach person, especially when it is atrociously hot and humid. When I was younger, I really did love the beach. However, I did notice I could withstand the temperatures better than other people.

GPS devices make me feel more confident about driving. If some of you remember, I suffer from a bit of mazeophobia.

I'm still wondering what kind of relationship my step-sister wants with me if any. That was a little bit of a letdown as I had hoped for some "bonding" experience. It's understandable since her cousins and relatives were there, and she was afraid of missing out anything.

I'm wondering if weight and body image issues will ever cease. I think it is wishful thinking at this point.

My sleeping habits do not change much when I am away.

Fresh seafood is much better than frozen.

Whoever thinks that having an AC on 62 or 68 degrees is really warm is absolutely nuts. Yes, the condo was at these temperatures which pretty much meant I was in jeans, sweatshirts, and blankets the entire time I was in the condo.

My highlight of the trip was honestly visiting with Cammy and G.

Once again, procrastination taking its toll

I leave for my trip next Monday, but once again, I'm in procrastination mode. Despite having gotten a lot done yesterday, I still have a ton more to do. I write an exuberant amount of lists, telling myself I'm going to get this, this, and this done, but when push comes to shove, I sit and read articles online, always afraid of missing the latest, current breakthrough, play mah jong on my blackberry, play farmtown on facebook (yes, it's the one application I'm addicted to on there), and continuously worry and make up scenarios in my head of what will happen next week, etc.

Basically, I'm doing everything BUT the things I really need to get done. I seem to continue to think that I must have all my laundry done, the house clean, my dogs' nails dremeled, and my yards (there are three large areas) nice and neatly trimmed (kind of hard with the consistent pouring of rain we've had lately). Really, most of these are things that can be put off for the moment, but my mind seems to feel these mundane tasks MUST be done.

It seems my procrastination voice is similar to my ED voice in that when I'm not getting the things that I know I should get done, I berate myself for not getting them done. It's such a vicious, petty cycle.

Other factors that may be playing into my worries include:

Baxter's diarrhea since last Wed. It is getting better, but I worry it will come back next week. I debate on whether to actually go to the vet since I really don't think it really justifies a vet visit, just some "in case" medication.

My mother's un-helpfulness. I keep asking her if events are planned. She just says not really and that everyone does their own thing except at night when people get together. Obviously, I feel I need "structure." That, and I've been trying to figure out plans of getting together with people. I had forgotten I actually do know a lot of people in Florida. They're unfortunately, on the other side of the state, so it is doubtful I'll get to visit.

Major body woes. I think over the last month or so, I've gotten extremely fatter. I know, it's just my distorted thinking, but it's how I'm feeling at the moment. This just causes huge anxiety not only with my body but over food as well. Other times, when I'm feeling "okay," this is not as bothersome.

And lastly, I'm trying to figure out just where I have gotten all these mysterious bites. It seems I'll be taking my jar of bag balm with me. (Just a note, I've found bag balm incredibly effective for anti-itching. Slightly greasy but worth it in my opinion)

Okay, end of vent.

Note--*By the way, procrastination is not new to me. I've written about it here and here. I guess I'm at least consistent. :-/

Upcoming family vacation

In exactly two weeks, I'll be attending a week long family reunion event. Actually, it's a family reunion for everyone else, but for me, it's more like meeting dozens of strangers. I'm trying hard not to go into flip-out mode, but this, along with other issues on my mind (another post) kick my anxiety into high gear.

Normally, I don't even do "family" vacations. But since, my mother and her husband have been haranguing me to go for the last three years (I politely declined each offer), I thought I'd at least make an effort this time. I have been reassured that there will be people my age, and that there won't be a lot of kum-ba-ya moments. Although I did hear, one aunt is apparently trying to organize everything, including making sure everyone has each other's phone numbers and addresses. It could be worse if she wanted to have everyone wear t-shirts with "C._____ family reunion."

So why am I so worried?
1) a bunch of strangers whom I know nothing about
2) visiting with my step-sister/sharing a room which may feel awkward
3) change of routine/eating habits
4) feeling very out of shape/disgusted with my body
5) general stress
6) no real escape

I'm trying hard to look at the positive--that this could be a great experience, that I'll meet interesting people, that people really won't give a hoot about my appearance, that I really can be okay in awkward feeling situations, etc.

Okay, time for more self-talk. Maybe in two weeks time, I'll feel slightly more optimistic.

How family can remind you how far you have come

My dad recently came to visit me this past weekend. Overall, the visit went okay. It seems as long as he is not asking too much about my future plans or mentioning graduate or medical school, things seem to be fairly kosher. Back in October, he set a new record of talking about these topics 15 times in a 4-5 day period. Now, his new record for less mentioning of these topics is 6 months. I never hold my breath entirely that he will just stop talking about it, but it does seem there is some behavioral change which has all around helped our relationship.

As my parents like to do when they come visit me, we went grocery shopping. They just continue to think I do not have enough in my fridge, freezer, and pantry. Now, I have a whole house full to feed an army! Gah, it's a little intimidating.

Since Luna and Clif bars were on sale at Whole Foods, I did buy a good number of them. When we got home, here is how our conversation went:

Dad: You know those Luna bars you eat have a lot of calories.
Me: Umm, no, not really. Why do you think that?
Dad: Well, just look at the label. Those things are small.
Me: Yes, but if you read the label, there is protein, carbs, and fat, all things your body needs.
Dad: Why can't you just eat a candy bar?

Back in high school and college, I would never have touched an energy bar, because of the calorie count. In my freshman year of college, my mom became worried about me and decided to send a whole bunch of energy bars. At this time, the options were not as vast as now, and the bars did not taste very good. In protest, I took one bite out of each one, proclaiming I had tried them all (technically yes but not exactly what she wanted to hear) and hated them. I vowed never to touch one again.

I don't remember when I started eating them or why. For several years, they became the staple of my breakfast, and the only thing I would eat. Today, I literally only use them as snacks or eat something else along with them as a breakfast.

The post isn't just about eating energy bars, it's more a reminder of how my thinking and behaviors have changed. It also gives me a good alarm bell in gauging if I'm ever headed downhill in that I would retreat back to thinking how Luna bars or any other energy bars had too many calories. (Kim wrote a good post on knowing when you're in relapse)

I'm still not to the point of just eating a candy bar and don't know if I ever really will as candy bars have never been my thing, but that's okay. There are still other goals to reach beyond just energy bars, but it is one step on the staircase.

Raising ED-free children

In this press release, Dr. Stacy of Every Woman Had an Eating Disorder, lists concrete ways parents can help develop positive body image and healthy eating in children. I won't type out the entire list, you can go to the link above for that. What I do like about what Dr. Stacy says is that even if you do all the things right, your child can still develop an eating disorder. (hint biochemistry here and cultural pressure) She says:

"What is most important is that parents need to recognize the signs and trust their instincts. Oftentimes, parents ignore early signs because they feel that this problem would be a bad reflection of their parenting and love for their child. If parents witness the signs and jump in early, they can get their child off a dangerous path. It can be a matter of life or death."

I think this is so true. I'll use myself as an example here. When I first began the wrath of an eating disorder, less than a year later (somewhere between 8-12 months, I can't remember the exact time), it was me who reached out to my mother, saying I really needed to see a doctor in an e-mail no less. She obliged my request. I saw a Dr., was honest, and then headed to see a therapist. Even though I acknowledged the problem and was uncertain of really getting better, the problem was at least out there. Later, my mother would tell me she suspected a problem but never said anything. Why, I don't know. It's such a touchy subject to broach, and even when it is, the likelihood of a teenager (or any eating disordered person of any age) giving a truthful answer is pretty bleak.

After awhile in therapy and leaking my guts out, talk of inpatient was mentioned. I was against this but a part of me knew it could have turned me around too. Essentially, my dad guilt-tripped me out of it (it would take all my savings, and only you can get better if you really want it), and thus, I never went. I don't blame my parents or anything for my eventual demise of ED hell for another 10+ years, but I do think had there been more push for intensive treatment at that particular time, (and this is of course not to say that inpatient would have cured me) just maybe my ED descent would not have lasted so long.

All those what ifs. That's all they are now. I rarely think about it honestly, knowing the past can't be changed. For now, I can only live in the moment and make choices for today.

Reminding myself of compassion

Today, my mom called around noon, an odd time for her to call on a weekday. I'm weird this way and notice patterns in people, like the fact that she is even calling me means something is up--invariably it's bad news. Yep, I was right.

She was in tears, because one of her cavaliers died this morning. She had taken Fergie to the vet two days ago. Labs were run and it was conclusive she had diabetes. Then, she got a call this morning saying Fergie died in her sleep, that they just couldn't get her glucose levels under control and she had other damage to her kidneys.

Like most of us do, my mom blamed herself--that she wasn't aware which dog it was that was drinking so much water (there were 4 cavaliers and 1 chow mix plus two cats), that she should have gotten her there faster, that she should have gone to visit the night before but wasn't able to, that somehow she should have known.

All I could do was what is natural to me--to console, to comfort, to tell her how sorry I was, to let her know that Fergie was in a better place, that she wasn't in pain long, that Fergie knew how grateful she was for rescuing her, that she had people who loved and care for her. Still though, words never feel like enough when someone is distraught and in pain. I can only imagine my own suffering when my dogs pass.

I called her in the evening to check up on her. She thanked me and told me she would be okay. I know she will be, but she will be fraught with worry since four of the other dogs are the same age. I hate to see her worried. It's probably one reason why I have kept so many of my thoughts private from her.

**********

I think about how easy it is to nurture, console, and feel compassion for someone else (humans and animals alike), however, when it comes to myself or people actually caring about me, it's like I'm really not allowed that. The image I always have with this particular issue is Michelangelo's "Creation of Adam" in the Sistine Chapel. The fingers are there reaching out, and if only I could grasp it completely, fully.

Sometimes, I wonder where I have gotten this notion. Where and when did I set this rule for myself? I doubt I'll ever know the answer, so all I can do is remind myself of certain things:

Rules can be broken.
Sometimes, it's even good to break rules.
Compassion for others and oneself is allowed and needed.

**********

On a side note, my mom said something interesting to me. She said last night she woke up at 2 AM and was wide awake. Although she discounted this thought, she wondered whether that might have been the time Fergie passed away. I told her this was a very likely scenario. I don't know whether she believed me or not, but I've always believed that animals have a wonderful sense of telling us things. And in this case, it was Fergie's way of telling her she was leaving this earth and going to the Rainbow Bridge where all animals go.

So what awaits me at my next therapy appointment?

I have a therapy appointment this afternoon and feel a bit of hesitancy, an awkwardness of sorts. In my "Invasion of..." post, I mentioned that my mother would be tagging along at my therapy appointment. Beforehand, my mom and I decided she would meet with C. for the first ten minutes, and the remainder time was my session.

It's weird sitting there, because you of course know they are talking about you. Even through the muffled thing C. keeps by her door, you can still hear the voices slightly. I kept trying to tell if I heard sniffles, a tell-tale bad sign that things have gone awry. I heard none, so I took that as a optimistic sign.

The session itself was okay but surely I've had better. It's hard to cram a month's worth of stuff in 40 minutes time. C. first started by saying that what my mother had said gave her better perspective about my situation. This threw me for a loop. Though what my mom said was the truth, I had not expected it. It's the kind of truth that you really only reveal when it is evidently needed, otherwise, you just leave it be. Now, I wonder if C. thinks I just happened to have overlooked this, but really I haven't. So you ask why would I have not mentioned these details of my life? The simple answer is SHAME. :sigh: I still struggle with this issue in a variety of areas of my life--aspects that shouldn't even matter as they do not represent who I am as a person. Still, it leaves me overly pondering what someone else is thinking about me.

The rest of the session was mostly about my career and job more than anything else. I relayed to her the situation when my boss was gone and how I felt which was the motivation for the feelings in a bottle post. By the end of the session, C. was apologizing to me, feeling like she was conveying the message I needed to leave my job. I told her she was not but only saying what is the sad reality which I have trouble coming to terms with.

So I have this next appointment not knowing what to expect or feel. I'm already worried anyway since I learned that C. will no longer be taking my insurance, and I'm only approved for four other sessions. Deep down, I keep wondering if it is my fault as I know she had a lot of trouble with them and getting all my paperwork correctly filed. I know my mother would help pay for my appointments, but then there is just so much guilt tied in that, it makes me cringe and cry at the same time.

Does smooth sailing exist?

I thought I'd give a quick update while I had a moment to myself. The weekend has been "interesting." My dad arrived on Thursday night, my mom the next day. The highlight has of course been Tovah. They have fallen head over heels in love with their new "grand-fur-child."

For the most part, Thursday and Friday were smooth sailing despite the extremely bitter cold temperatures which much of the nation faced. I used to think teen degree weather was cold, but damn, the single digit, below zero cold air really gives a new meaning to frigidly, ice cold weather. I don't know how those people in Alaska, Wisconsin (I heard Eau Clair is currently -22 degrees), Colorado, South Dakota, etc. handle all this type of weather.

Then, on Saturday morning before work, things began to not work correctly. Err plumbing that is. The likely culprit was due to the very cold weather. This wasn't too big of a deal, so I called my plumber in the morning. We all went our usual business. In the late afternoon while at work, I got a pitiful call from my mother, saying she tried to do a second load of laundry, and everything was backing up into the tubs. Great. I called my plumber again who I had not heard from (unusual for him) as well as left a message for my landlord.

By late evening, my landlord called back, saying he would come up early this morning and see if he could find the problem. I left to head to the kennel this morning, thinking my landlord would be there early as he said. Apparently, our definitions of early are different. He didn't arrive until 11 AM. Meanwhile, my plumber had already finally called back and was on the way to my place. They both thought frozen pipes, so a salamander heater (whatever that is) was placed by the pipes to warm them up and the furnace turned up. Now, it's just a waiting game and to clean up the tubs and all. This is so reminiscent of this past summer when something similar happened. That was a saga in and of itself. I doubt you really want to read about that, but those posts are archived in April.

A few other things. My lovely menstrual cycle decided to appear early, so I'm feeling fat and bloated as well as dealing with eating out most nights. Oh, and did I mention that apparently, I must keep myself awake in case of passing out from the salamander heater and its effect of carbon monoxide poisoning! My landlord apparently told my parents that if we smell something or start getting drowsy to step outside. What he got wrong is that well, you can't smell carbon monoxide! Right now, I have a door cracked, so we shall see what happens.

I've also heard some off the wall comments from my dad. I'll have to post that another time.

On a positive note, my new satellite dish got set up yesterday, so now I have access to local channels and don't have to buy a converter box. I'm also well stocked on A LOT of food since both my parents decided to buy me groceries.

More later, that's it for now.