I had an appointment with C. yesterday. Like last week, she mentioned medications again. Not really so much for depression, but rather anxiety and to help me clear my brain.
It's an understandable suggestion. I've made some progress of my original goals in seeking her counsel, however, it's very slow. She knows and reminds me I only have ten sessions through insurance, and she wants to be able to help me. I can of course continue to still see her after ten sessions, it's just I'd have to pay out of pocket.
The last few weeks, I have not thought much about the whole future/career oriented decisions in my life. I'm sure part of it is avoidance (though I know I need to get a grip on it), but really it's that my mind has been more riddled with holiday stress and guilt. My father's wife even wanted to pay a plane ticket for me to visit at Christmas. I politely said no and responded that I may be able to visit at New Year or in January when things are less busy.
Even though I haven't had any more meltdown sessions, maybe that is part of my fear--that that will happen again. I know this issue isn't going to go away nor is it getting better. This is especially evident since my anxiety has increased which for me just ramps up my exercising habits. It doesn't even make sense, because I'm not really even thinking about it and my dad has surprisingly not brought up the issue in three weeks. That's a record for him since every conversation normally started out with "so have you thought more about your future? Have you put those applications in for grad school?" I told this to C. and how I knew it was really difficult for him not to say anything, and her reply was "so what," reminding me it was not of my concern.
In the past, I've been on anti-depressants unsuccessfully. No, I haven't tried every one in the book, but enough to feel hesitant about them. I've only had major side effects from one, but the rest didn't do anything for me. Maybe it was dosing, maybe it was impatience, maybe it was all the wrong psychiatrists. I know I could easily just go to my nurse practitioner whom I see for just routine check ups and ask for prescription A or B and she would hand it to me without any questions. That can be a good and bad thing--a) you get what you want, but b) it might not be what you need per se.
So righ t now, I'm sitting on the fence. I told C. I'd think about it--week number 2 here for that same line. I know she is hoping I give it a try, at least to perhaps speed up the process and let me think without such an overwhelmness if nothing else. However, with anxiety medications (not immediate ones like Xanax), they take 8-12 weeks or longer to kick in. My impatience with medications doesn't bode well for this fact.
Her goal for me, or at least what she feels like she can to do help me is to have all the information there (I've made a list of many options) and BREATHE, rather than having everything simply float around in my head which at the moment is where it is.
I told her that somehow I felt like I should be able to "tough" this out. Her reply, "I think you've already done that. You've toughed it out enough."
As I left and was still saying how unsure I was of medications, her reply was, "what I know is that you don't want to be in this place any longer." So the truth, but so hard to move out of the box.