Breaking through walls

Facebook has an application called "status shuffle." It's basically a random collection of quotes and one liners. Most tend to be on the funny side , but this one was poignant and caught my eye.

"Sometimes people build walls not to block others out of their life but to see who cares enough to break through the wall."

At times, this was certainly my case. I used to have many walls that surrounded me. Various therapists would say they imagined me with this invisible wall that needed to be broken through or torn down. But they weren't exactly sure how or what I truly needed to do so. I never had an answer for them other than I was just too scared to break down my wall. That wall was a barrier, but it also kept me highly safe.

There were moments when I wanted desperately to let go of my shield and be totally vulnerable. Yes, I did eventually have those moments which always seemed to be stress/anxiety/sleep-deprived induced. My problem was afterwards, I felt so weird and worried about what I'd done/said that I immediately rebuilt my wall. Thus, treatment took a long time to truly get anywhere. My former therapist C used to say "it's like I'm reaching my hand out to you, and you're within grasp, but can't take my hand."

I'm sure most of us with EDs have at one point had walls that surrounded us. Walls keep things out defensively but they also don't allow things in. I think many of us have that juxtaposition of blocking people out, but at the same time, wanting and hoping someone can break through as well. And what does breaking through our wall really mean to us? Does it mean that we are vulnerable? Does it mean that someone cares enough to notice?

I don't have the answers to these questions, and they are different for everyone. But I do think in general, when we allow ourselves to start tearing down our walls, glimmers of the healing process have been initiated. Then, it becomes up to us what happens next.

Slight meltdown

The last few days have been a bit rough. It cumulated in a mini breakdown yesterday with me being teary over a lesson I just never seem to grasp fully--being less self-critical of myself and continuing to blame myself for the problem.

Here's the background information. Work has been busy. We had to delay our opening due to some issues out of our control with the building. Though some of our clients have been a little upset with us and are eager for the facility to open, I still have a lot of work to do with powerpoints and documents. This is on top of the already more than dozen or so documents I've come up with since November for basic policies and procedures. Anyone doing this type of work knows that it is a time consuming process, and when it is just one person, it can feel overwhelming at times. We have another office person, but her tasks are different than mine.

So suffice to say, I think I have been a little stressed in general which just escalated any nuance of a problem. On Monday, we had our photos taken for the new website. I knew about this for a week, but was dreading it. Part of this was due to my face looking more round and chunkier. It also seemed that every time I looked in the mirror, a new zit popped up which left me with caking more cover up than usual.

The photo shoot itself went okay. The photographer is a client of my boss's whom she is very fond with. This was my first time meeting this guy, and I was not that impressed. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt that I just need to know him better, but there is some hesitancy as my boss would like to bring him on board with us at the facility.

Afterwards, we let their two Aussies meet Tovah. Now, Tovah does great with dogs once she has met them. Over the last few months, she has become more barky and aroused when meeting other dogs. She doesn't do anything to them, but there is definitely an uncertainty. After several minutes, she settles, and either the dogs play, or they just kind of coexist on fine terms. I've begun working on this issue with her, but it still distresses me like any owner with a dog issue problem.

And it just seemed heightened with these two Aussies and this owner. One of the Aussies was very friendly, came to everyone. She is a certified therapy dog. The other Aussie was stand offish and the guy just kept showing off all his tricks with her. He made a comment that the dogs didn't know what to do with Tovah's barking and were uncomfortable.

I probably should not have but I took it a bit personal. Then, yesterday my boss (I think I've been calling her A.) wants to discuss a new policy we are placing when the doors open with a "no barking" policy. She's said this from the get go, so I knew she wanted to instill this (it's doable but can be difficult too), but again, I took it personal. Logically, I know it wasn't, and A. reiterated that, but I felt upset by it.

It's one of those issues where you have put a lot of worked and invested in a dog and you want them to be the best possible (not saying perfect here). I've tried to ensure that she was incredibly socialized to many different things, so this barking issue feels like a failure to me, like somehow I should have nipped it in the bud right when I saw it. Her barking is in no way horrible, I've seen much worse, it's just my standard in a sense that I would rather her not do this when meeting other dogs, especially if I want her to be able to do other social things in life where dogs are involved.

A. reminded me that if I had gotten Tovah yesterday, I'd see the issue differently, like this was a problem to work on and would have had a training plan in place already. While this is likely true, it feels different when it is a dog you have raised from puppyhood. There is a feeling of how can I not blame myself?

But that's just the thing. No matter how much you may have worked on raising and training a dog, doing everything to a T, it does not guarantee that something will arise to cause a problem. It's just like someone with an eating disorder history who has a child and has tried their darnest to prevent their child from developing an eating disorder. They may do all the right things in not talking about weight, physical appearance, not dieting, giving lots of positive feedback to their child for their achievements, help their child develop a strong sense of self-esteem and confidence and still their child may wind up with an eating disorder. There's a lot of factors there, both in genetics and environment (in this case outside forces). All we can do is our best in prevention and if an ED arises to address it and work through it.

I know this but have a hard time putting it together when it comes to my own dogs. A. told me that I was probably the only person she knew you took something personal so personal, meaning how much I self-criticized myself for it. She, herself, a percfectionist understands this.

Though I left logically knowing all this, I still felt lousy, cried in my car, etc. Parts of me feel really stupid that I'm upset over something like this, but just like I've told many people, including bloggers, I am human and have feelings and need to stop criticizing myself for that. It's always hard to follow your own advice though.

If you have not read Tovah's story, you can do so here and here. At some point, I''ll have links to tags, so it'll be easier to just click that link.

How deception affects us

On Mondays, usually I try to catch the show House. Some days I watch fully engaged while other times I'm multi-tasking with dinner and being online. Tonight was the latter, but I managed to get the gist of the episode about a woman who became ill (not sure why she came to the hospital initially) and was a blogger. Apparently, she blogged about everything in her life, and at one point, there was an argument between she and her boyfriend? (maybe husband?) about blogging every nuance of her life. He didn't want her to blog about what was going on in the hospital or what she might possibly have (he felt like her blogging had become a form of entertainment only for an audience), but she differed, feeling like she needed to let her readers know.

Fast forward to the end. The girl was no longer dying of lymphoma like everyone thought, but rather House found clues through her blog about her symptoms. Then, he promptly asked her about what kind of bowel movements she had. A bit mortified and puzzled why he was asking her this, she answered. House explained the diagnosis--the catalyst was switching to a vegan diet which caused gastrointestinal problems which just snowballed from there. Then, he asked her why she held this important information from them and her blog readers. Of course, the girl's answer to that was who wanted to read about her feces? Lastly, House said this (this is not completely verbatim but close) right before he walked out:

"It's okay to have secrets as long as they are not going to hurt you. They are what keep us warm and fuzzy."

So this brings me to my latest adventure. Over the course of the last few weeks, I had to be a bit of a "spy" at work. I had to visit some other nearby dog facilities to get an idea of how they were run, what they featured, how filled to capacity they were, and most importantly how our facility would be different. Though we had already done a CMA (comparison market analysis) and knew information from my boss's clients, you never get the full picture unless visibly touring the facilities.

After visiting the first facility, I had this horrible sense of guilt. I felt awful that I was disguising myself the way I was, because the girl giving me the tour seemed so nice. It was obvious she thought I seemed like a very thorough, concerned owner, and she mentioned that I was her longest tour. When I got back to the office, I really wondered whether I could tour another facility. It took me a full week to mull this over.

After thinking it over, I decided to go visit the other two facilities. This time around, I found it much easier. It was as if I convinced myself that this wasn't a bad thing. I felt like a sly, smooth pretender. There was no longer an unsettled feeling but rather a settled comfort. I was surprised at how easy it was for me to be "deceptive" the second and third times around. It was almost like everything I said rolled off my tongue, and I became the role I was playing so well. A true actress, indeed.

This whole experience reminded me of my early ED days. Despite treating my parents like sh$t, I still felt horribly guilty for lying to them about my behaviors, whether I ate or not, whether I was manically exercising or not, etc. I think there was an instance or two where my dad asked about purging, and I vehemently denied it. What happened as a result of this? I convinced myself that I had to lie, that the deception would only hurt them more than me, that I needed to be even more secretive--a better actress.

Clearly, the problem with this logic or lack there of it was that by continuously lying, I just furthered myself into more self-destructive ED'd behaviors. The deception hurt me worse than anyone else.

Obviously, there are differences between these two lies. In the first scenario, I was not hurting anyone nor myself, whereas, in the second one, there was a lot of damage done.

I don't have any enlightening comments but that it is important to realize how deceiving ourselves can hurt us. Whether it is that we will be happier at X pounds, that we really don't need nourishment of any kind, that just "getting by" is okay, that starvation and overexercise is an okay way to quell our anxieties and stress (in a sense neurochemically, yes, but in the long run, not), that an ED will not kill us, think again. It is often difficult when your head is just full of ED mess, but I think it's the little things that count. That by every lie we are able to thwart aside, that it is a step toward eventual healing.

Note: *My acting was not completely intentional--that I thought about everything I did and the outcomes. Rather, it just seemed "normal" to me, a way of survival. Much of this is a hindsight type thinking.

Emotions, anger, and thin mint cookies

The other day a dog training colleague of mine posted on facebook:

"I'm so mad at my kids, I could eat a sleeve of Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies."

When I read it, I laughed, mostly because I remember how this red-headed looked when she was mad. Thinking about it, however, it's a good example of the effect of our emotions on eating.

Emotions can play such a gamut on our eating. For some, they turn to food, for others, they shun it. At times during my ED, I fell into both categories. There were times, I was upset, so I'd eat that piece of cake, then feel guilty, and purge. In other moments, I restricted, saying I'd show them-that how they hurt me, would teach them, and I'd become thin as a stick.

The emotion that was most difficult for me was anger. Growing up, I honestly do not remember ever feeling anger at all. But when high school hit, I think there was a period when all my pent-up anger was geared towards my parents and an eating disorder became my outlet. It seemed easier to express whatever anger I felt through starving, purging, overexercising than to actually express my anger or any other emotion for that matter.

I remember two specific incidents, both where I was incredibly angry at my father for something, and I cut my wrist with a knife. These were the only incidences of cutting I've ever had, and neither were life-threatening. However, at the time, I was so angry that I truly wanted him to hurt. I've had other incidences in my life involving anger and punishing myself, but I've gotten better with dealing with that emotion. It's no doubt an emotion that will likely always be difficult for me to express, but at least now, I can better manage it without harming myself so much in the process.

So what do I do? I find venting to non-judgmental people one of the best things for me. (My mom is very helpful for this) Sometimes, I'll shoot an e-mail to someone or just simply write as it dispels those thoughts into the air. Other times, I've taken a walk, driven somewhere else, etc. I have to be careful with the exercise bit, because that's gone to the extreme before too.

That comment reminded me of how powerful emotions can be and how it is so important for us (ED or otherwise) to be able to express and monitor them as well. As for my colleague, she later posted that she only are half of a sleeve of Thin Mint cookies but that last year it would have been the whole thing. I'm hopeful that at least by writing out what she felt allowed her to express her feelings. And I know for her, this did feel like some progress.

How do you do deal emotions? How do your emotions affect you eating disorder/your recovery? Does anger play a role in your ED?

Note--*I hope no one feels like I'm saying eating thing mints is wrong when upset and angry This is only an example.

90 seconds of emotion

Karen Koenig, psychotherapist and author of the Rules of Normal Eating, recently wrote a post about what Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor calls the "90 second emotion rule." The idea is that it takes 90 seconds or less for each emotion to be automatically triggered, surge through the body, and dissipated. Once the emotion (chemical component) is gone physiologically, it then becomes a choice to continue as she puts it the "neurocircuitry" to run or not. In this sense, we become more attuned to the emotion in the current moment versus continuously cruising on autopilot. We become aware to what we are feeling, learning to yes, choose whether to take it, leave it , or change it.

Now, of course, I don't want to go all cognitive-behavioral on everyone as there is sometimes a tendency to feel skeptical (even by me at times), but I think this kind of awareness is important, especially with eating disorders. I think once in a nutritionally stable state, this can be something to work towards. Too often than not, most of us want to shoo away the bad feelings, to pound down whatever it is we are feeling period. I certainly remember those times when I'd tell my therapist, "Why do I have to feel? What's the point? Can't I be a human without emotions?" But that's the thing, the essence of humanity is to have high functioning feelings. It's what distinguishes us from other species, though of course animals do feel and have emotions too.

So do you let yourself sit with an emotion for 90 seconds? If not, maybe it is something to try?

If you're unaware of who Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor is, take a look at her TED presentation about her insights into her own stroke. She wrote a book called My Stroke of Insight about her stroke and her recovery in 2006. It is an amazing book which I found quite relatable to eating disorder recovery.

Unload your guilt

Guilt is often a hard emotion to release. There is always something about it that lingers. One of my therapists used to tell me how useless guilt was. I'm sure there are certain instances where guilt is useful, however, for many of us, it only causes more anguish, feelings of less worthiness, and sadness. Then, we just continually beat ourselves up about it.

Psychcentral had an interesting post from blogger Therese Borchard of Beyond Blue. She talks about the difficulty of letting go of guilt, especially in attribution to her OCD tendencies. She made a youtube video of a visualization her therapist gave her. The visualization is a backpack full of rocks representing all the things you feel guilty about. The rocks are different sizes depending on the amount of guilt you feel.

The idea is that when you are feeling guilty about a certain issue that you visualize taking that rock out. After you take out the rock(s), things will feel lighter, and hopefully some guilt is released. Therese does make the realization that the backpack may always be there, but it won't contain so many heavy rocks but maybe just a few smaller, lighter ones.

Take a look at the video and see what you think. Sometimes, visualizations can be helpful to expressing our emotions. It's one reason why I did the feelings in a bottle post recently.

Capacity to love

I was just thinking about something my mother said to me during my sobfest yesterday. It is not a secret that I have a hard time with allowing emotions fully, feeling validated in many areas of my life, and am a typical minimizer about situations. I made the comment that my anguish over losing Tovah was similar to when I lost MyGurl, another dog whom I thought I was keeping, several years ago. However, with MyGurl, I had her for four months, so it felt validated to me. I only had Tovah for two in a half weeks, so my sadness didn't completely feel justified.

However, my mother said, "No Tiptoe, what it shows is your capacity to love."

I reiterated, "well, at least with animals. And I probably cry more over the loss of an animal than a human."

This is very true indeed. It seems easier to love an animal versus a human sometimes. Animals don't necessarily talk back at you, judge you, or abuse you like a human can. I guess it is my hope that I can love or find love similar to how I feel about an animal with an actual human being, aside from family and already established friends. I realize it may never be the same, but I know my capacity is there. It's about allowing myself to be open to it which is often a scary place.

Can't stop crying

Well, apparently, little Tovah actually belonged to someone. This literally happened 30 minutes or so ago. The guy who said he was my neighbor asked if I'd seen a little dog that he was missing that looked like Tovah. She was out with me on the porch, so he immediately saw her. He said they had not had her very long and missed her. Then, I heard his two kids in the car yell out, "Dad, is that Sparkles?"

My heart sank. I questioned him as far as how she had gotten out, told him what a lovely temperament she had, how I had started training her, etc. I hate to judge, but he was keeping an eight week old puppy outdoors since she wasn't fully house trained and his work schedule doesn't allow for him to come let her out in the middle of the day. He also feels like dogs should be primarily outdoors dogs from what it sounded like.

I really had no choice since Tovah belonged to them. What was I going to do but give her up. I mean he had two kids. Was it fair to them to take her way? I know he hadn't had her very long at all--it sounded like maybe a few days.

After I shut the door, I just began to bawl and am still continuing to do so. I never thought I'd be so upset. Maybe if it had only been a few days, even a week maybe, it would have been different. And now, I just can't stop crying. I know this will pass, but I'm just drowning in emotion.

Right after this happened, my father calls. Not a great time to call. Though he tried to comfort me, all he said was I did the right thing. I guess so perhaps, but I also know that the home she had here was a great one.

Since I guess he is my neighbor or something, yes, there is still the chance of possibly seeing her, but it won't be the same. There is the saying that you have to let some things go, and if they come back, then it was meant to be. Maybe that will be the case with Tovah, maybe not. But in the end, all I can believe in is that there was a reason for this happening.

Nonetheless, I'm just broken with emotion right now.

Not a message in a bottle but feelings in a bottle

The first therapist I went to in my teens used to tell me, "Tiptoe, I imagine that all your feelings are stuffed in a bottle, sitting on a shelf way up high. They just stay there until one day, they just all explode."

This sort of happened a few weeks ago after a specific incident where I felt very angry over lack of communication with someone. At the time, it felt justified and others validated those feelings. However, several days later, guilt, doubt, and anger with myself set in. And then, I regretted the way I felt, that I just shouldn't have felt that way. So now, it leaves a sticky, uncomfortable feeling with the said person above where I don't know what to say or do, waiting for her to make the first move. Will she completely ignore what happened, acting like nothing ever happened or will it be held against me?

Over the years, I've tried to unleash those feelings in a variety of mediums--in therapy, through talking with family and friends, and through writing in various forms. It's never been an easy thing for me. Rather, it's something I have to work at, knowing how the repercussions can manifest. Yet, even after all these years, I'm still left feeling uncomfortable and uneasy. There continues to be a "judgment" of my own emotions. That somehow, they're really not allowed.

Every year, (not as a resolution--don't believe in them, but more to just work on) I tell myself I'm going to be less harsh with myself and simply recognize my emotions without judging them. I don't know why this is so difficult for me to do completely. I seem to do okay with some emotions like sadness but anger and frustration, you know all those "fire color" emotions just leave me feeling ill.. The truth of the matter is that somewhere, somehow I've learned those types of feelings were wrong, that I saw other people who had these emotions and became afraid of turning into them, and instead kept them all in a bottle. It's like I'm afraid of fully unleashing those emotions, like they are Pandora's Box. In essence, it's being afraid of the human nature of myself.

*I took many photos of this bottle and had quite a number of emotions in it. These emotions are ones that I don't necessarily allow myself to feel or feel like it is wrong to feel. I wanted the photos to show more emotions, but the little slips of paper were not cooperating.

Black ice, panic, and a roller coaster of emotions

I have to admit, tonight would have been a good night for anti-anxiety medication. (Score one for the pro anxiety medication side! Yes, I'm slowly swaying in that direction, finding the light of its benefits. Now, I just need to still decide who to see and make the call)

The day started off well. I got up a little before 6 AM--that seems to be the time I am automatically waking up, did all my doggie morning duties, swung by the vet's office to get an intranasal bordatella vaccination for the puppy, and then went to the fitness center for a workout.

After finishing that, I took the puppy to doggie daycare to play with ones her age and headed off to do errands and do last minute gift shopping. I picked up the puppy at 6 PM and headed home. There had been freezing rain off and on all day, traffic was now backed up due to some accidents on the road, so extra care needed to be taken on the roads.

About 3.5 miles miles left from my home, this one road was practically all black ice. I almost reached the kennel where I work, but then spun around in the road twice, eventually with my car in the middle of the road. Another guy in front of me was also stuck. I called emergency services and waited. Meanwhile, a few men from up the road helped turn my car so I could at least get to the kennel. I did make it there safely and was trying to get in touch with the person who worked for me today who was still at the kennel. However, I could not, and I don't know, for some reason, I was panicking over that, because I really needed to get home to let our my other dogs and was worried I would have to come back to do late night kennel

After numerous attempts of banging on the door and calling her name, finally, she came down, apparently not hearing me in the shower. It was fine for her to do late night kennel which was relief to me. I also had to leave the little one there (by the way I have figured out a name for her) as she doesn't yet know how to walk on leash (she just freezes) and was cold. I left and ran/walked the two miles home with a flashlight. My only saving grace was that I had left my yak traxs.in the car. I bought them last year when we had ice and found them beneficial.

On my way home, I called a friend who had left a message for me. We talked for two hours. It was very nice to talk to her, and I'm kind of excited about her proposal.

I also called my parents and recounted the events with them. I must have been talking a mile a minute, because that is what was going through my head. I realized just how frightened I was of spinning in the car with NO CONTROL! I've experienced driving on black ice before, but this was super scary. I'm thankful that nothing serious happened and I was able to safely get to the kennel, make sure my puppy was okay, and go home. Though I'm horrendously tired, my thoughts are still keeping me up. This is also exacerbated by work. Basically, I kind of lost it, venting my frustrations with my boss yesterday over the way the last two weeks have been handled while she's been gone. Currently, she is delayed flying back due to the west coast weather. I'll have a post later on "anger" and speak more about this.

Tomorrow's weather will be 20 degrees warmer but very windy with rain. It does not make for a fun day, but at least I'll be able to drive back with no repercussions of black ice.

To tell the truth

image: amazon

I recently read Maya Angelou's Letter To My Daughter. The book is a series of lessons based on Angelou's life experiences which she has found useful. Although she has never had a daughter, the book is an offering to all the daughters of every race, ethnicity, shape, education, background, etc.

One particular chapter intrigued me called "To tell the truth." She opens with the three word question of "how are you?" Everyday, people ask this to one another. It has become just a simple conversation starter. Do people really want to know how you are when they ask this question?

Angelou mentions the fact that people may say blatant lies about someone, such as "you look great" when they've lost dangerous amounts of weight or vice versa. As she says,"we all swallow the untruth in part to keep the peace and in part because we do not wish to deal with the truth."

She goes on to say how liberating it is to be honest, and that we should try to answer truthfully when people ask how we are. There will be people who do not want to hear what you have to say, however, Angelou says, "But think of it this way, if people avoid you, you will have more time to meditate and do fine research for a cure for whatever truly afflicts you."

I think about those three words, "How are you?" Most the time, I simply answer FINE. For some the FINE acronym is "Fucked Up Neurotic Emotional." I guess it seems easier to answer this way (especially with my parents) instead of going into all the complicated, irrational, fearful thoughts I may have. There is still such a fear of worrying people, of feeling pity, of shame, of them thinking what a basketcase I am. Even the instances where I've been truthful (other than therapy), there isn't a feeling of people really caring. The truth can place people in awkward positions, and they don't know what to say or how to react; instead, they just go on talking about the weather.

How do you answer the question of "how are you?" Do you tell the truth or the untruth? What does meaning the truth mean to you?

"Voice of reason"

A month or so ago, I wrote a post about rational thinking versus emotional thinking. This week, I came across another example of it. The situation is similar to the post, but this time, it's not a client's dog but a family member's dog.

A few weeks ago, my dad called me and told me that Claude, their 12 year old shih tzu-poo was not doing well. He had an upper respiratory infection which later turned into bronchitis. Then early this week, they took him to the vet where the vet noticed some bumps on his neck. She wanted to check it out since there were a number of possibilities. It could be as simple as an enlarged lymph node to something worse, like cancer.

The official biopsy isn't back yet, but by mid-week, it looked to be some form of cancer. They decided to go ahead and start chemo and prednisone. The vet had said if the chemo was going to work, she thought it would work quickly, though she gave no indication to that time frame which left my dad and D., his wife, a bit puzzled.

Then, I received a phone call early Friday morning from D. I could tell she was very upset by her phone message. I dreaded the news since these early morning calls usually have a grim undertone. She said Claude had a rough night, and she didn't know what to do. She had thought about euthanizing him that day but couldn't do it. (I was thinking at this point, whoa, this is moving kind of fast here. I didn't say that though). I told her that it does take a little time for the medications to work and to give them a chance. I also said, "let's not make a rash decision here." I briefly spoke to my dad, since D. was sobbing by this point.

My dad said the vet thought it was "lymphoblastic," a rare form of cancer. So that afternoon, I did a little research to find out about this type of cancer. It basically depends on the exact diagnosis as there are several different forms with differing prognoses.

I called them this afternoon to see how Claude was. They said he was a little better--eating and drinking and had a few of his normal characteristics but had another rough night. D. said my dad told her he thought that "this was the day" which got her upset all over again. (Really, I couldn't believe he said that to her and did tell him that that only upset D. more and wasn't helpful to the situation.) I reiterated to both of them to hang on through the weekend, go to the appt. on Monday, talk to the oncologist, and just get all the information first before making a decision. D. thanked me for being there and being a "voice of reason."

This is a tough situation. Ultimately, we all know that Claude's days are numbered. My gut feeling is that since there are tumors in his lungs, the cancer metastatized. I'm not sure which type of cancer he has, whether it is indeed a form of lymphoblastic lymphoma or leukemia or hemangiosarcoma. Either way, the odds are not favorable for him.

I know both of them do not want Claude to suffer, but at the same time, so many emotions are flying around. I know it is easy for me, as an objective viewer, to tell them to do this, this, and this. I'm not in the thick of the moment, clouded by emotions However, I had a few fears. One was that my dad would pressure D. into making a decision. Claude is really her dog, so the decision should be hers. Two, I didn't think making a decision while upset was wise. Three, I was fearful that if she had made the decision to put him to sleep, she might regret it without knowing all the facts. This type of decision doesn't have a reversal. Once it's done, it's over. There are no electric shock paddles to bring the dog back to life. It's final.

The interesting thing about this conversation was I found myself getting very upset at the thought that they might euthanize Claude without having all the information, talking to the vet, or at least giving treatment a try. I wanted to scream into the phone, "what are you thinking?" But instead, I recognized this and knew my emotions were getting the best of me and quickly calmed down. They both called me the "voice of reason," but I don't know if it so much that or just the fact that this is how I react to this type of situation. It's important for me to have all the information, and then make a decision from there. Even when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer a number of years ago or my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer and melanoma, this was my demeanor. Some might say that I react this way not to let myself express emotions outwardly. Maybe that's part of the reason, but I think it's more that I want to keep a sense of optimism but know reality too.

In this situation, I hope for all involved that the best decisions are made from both the head and heart.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but names (words) will never hurt me

It's a classic phrase that we've all been told at one point or another in our lives. I wish it were true, but in reality, it is not. I'm sure a lot of us can attest to the falseness of this phrase, proverb, idiom, adage, maxim, whatever you want to call it.

I tried looking up the origin of it but only came across this posting on the web.

So are there differences in physical and social pain? How do the intensity of pain rank for each? Which one is easier to recall and relive?

Researchers recently looked at all these questions in a set of four experiments. In experiment 1, participants were asked to relive both a physical (injury) and social (betrayal) pain experience and to rank their level of pain when the event occurred. In experiment 2, participants were asked to relive either a physical (injury) or a social (betrayal) pain experience and also rank their pain level at the time of the event. Then both groups wrote a detailed account of their experiences and stated what their pain level was at that moment.

The results of these studies showed that it was easy to recount both physical and social pain experiences and that the pain level was similar for either experience at the time the event occurred. However, participants who relived a social pain experience had more pain intensity after recalling the event than those who recalled a physical pain experience.

In experiments 3 and 4, similar protocol was followed as the previous other two studies, but with series of easy and difficult cognitive tasks. The results indicated that participants who had to relive a social pain experience had a higher level of pain intensity and performed worse on the difficult cognitive tasks than those who relived a physical pain experience.

Researchers think one possible explanation for these findings has to do with the evolution of the cerebral cortex in the brain. The authors write, "The evolution of the cerebral cortex certainly improved the ability of human beings to create and adapt; to function in and with groups, communities, and culture; and to respond to pain associated with social interactions,” the authors wrote. “However, the cerebral cortex may also have had an unintended effect of allowing humans to relive, re-experience, and suffer from social pain."

Full text study: When Hurt Will Not Heal
Exploring the Capacity to Relive Social and Physical Pain

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I actually don't find this research that surprising, but I think it is good validation at the importance of social pain versus physical pain experiences. Sometimes, I think we forget that just because we can't see a physical scar or wound, that the pain doesn't exist or affect us. In my opinion, it's the invisible scars that hurt worse. Those are the ones that are deeply buried and don't fade away so easily; thus, the reason why we can relive them easier and have such high intensity towards them.

Everyone has a different school of thought as to whether it is better to drudge up these experiences or not. For some, reliving and processing that pain helps them to heal and move ahead. For others, it's about acknowledging that pain but leaving it there (in the past) and moving forward. Each individual has to decide what works best for her/him to heal. In the end, it's all about making oneself whole again.

Rational thinking versus emotional thinking

We all have people who can get under our skin or know how to push the right buttons to set us off. It can get to our emotions, causing us upset, maybe even triggering episodes of self-harm behaviors. For me, one of them is my father. I've talked about it before, but here's just another example of it.

On Saturday, I had returned his phone call from earlier in the day. We talked about the Olympics and other general things going on in our lives. I got on the topic of talking about this one dog at the kennel. I was telling him how I felt really sad for her. This dog is old--probably 12-13 years old, has several medical issues, has a huge tumor which is benign on her lower abdomen that affects her gait, smells (probably infection and the "sick" dog odor), and has horrible mats since her owners do not brush her. I know her quality of life cannot be great since she is merely existing. However, the owners continue to let her live this way.

For many of us, we don't like to see animals suffer and will try to prevent that. I no doubt did the best I could while she was at the kennel to make sure she was comfortable (cut out many of her mats) and took good care of her. It's always hard when there is a case like this, because I really do worry about the dog dying on my watch. The owners were aware that this could possibly happen and we have them sign something ahead of time for liability purposes. It's only been very few times it has ever happened, but when it did, these dogs were elderly and in poor health.

I told my dad about all this, and how I wish I could say something to the owners, but that in my position, it was really not right. I'm not a good friend of the owners nor did they ask me for my opinion, I'm just a caretaker for their dogs. He couldn't understand this. He said how someone needed to stand up for the dog since she can't talk herself. He then accused me of saying it was all about money, and that I really didn't care. He was disappointed that I was not going to say anything to the owners other than how she did at the kennel. He suggested I talk to the owners about at least brushing this dog. I told him that this isn't a new issue, they've been clients for over 6 years now, and they just never brush their dogs. Then, he said how they should be banned from the kennel. Umm hello, if we banned every client who did not brush their dog, well, that would be more than half our clients, seriously. It's not something people think about unless they have a dog that needs to be groomed, their dog is massively "blowing coat," shedding, or their is something wrong with their fur or skin.

The thing is that the owners know she is ill. I know their vet has told her she is on her last legs. I'm sure they have a hard time letting go, only thinking with their emotions and probably hope that she will just pass away in her sleep. These issues are hard for everyone, and everyone is affected.

At the end of the conversation, my dad and I "agreed to disagree." He changed the subject to something else, but the tension remained, and we wound up quickly ending the phone call. Right after, I talked to one of my friends. She's met my dad and knows how he is. Something she said however was really important. She said, "do you see how your dad is only acting by his emotions?" I knew this logically, but just hadn't quite put it together since I was still wrapped up in my own emotions.

This may be just a simple reminder, but it's really important for me. When I was in the throes of the eating disorder, this type of conversation would have thrown me into a full fledged b/p episode, leaving myself probably even more upset than when it had happened. Then, I'd just "punish" myself for even disagreeing and having the argument with him, especially since I avoid confrontation at all costs. I essentially allowed these disagreements and fights to put me over the edge. I allowed them to affect me instead of looking at things rationally.

There's no doubt that there are times and places to think both rationally and emotionally. Some of us have a tendency to only think either rationally or emotionally, and we have to learn to be able to balance the two types of thoughts. For me, whenever I'm making tough decisions, my emotions get in the way. I know the elements of the decision which are logical in nature but often have a hard time choosing that over what my emotions are. My good friend reminds me that sometimes I need to eliminate the emotions and just look at the bare minimum. It's not an easy feat, but the more I am able to let myself do this, the better equipped I am at handling the situation.

Although this disagreement is tough (I hate disappointing people), I'm letting it go. I spoke to my mom briefly about it today, and apparently my dad had already discussed the conversation with her, just going on and on about it. Fine, he can do that, but I know I acted professionally and appropriately and did not let my emotions cloud my rationality.

Confidence is hard for me, but in this particular case, I'm confident I made the right decision.

A round up of emotions

I think I've had a lot of emotions stored up over the past few weeks which ended up in me kind of losing it this weekend.

The positive:
Happy. Two dog classes graduated this week. Everyone did well for the most part.
Warm, nice feeling. I got a really nice compliment about my dog training skills from my boss whom I respect incredibly.

Sigh of relief. My friend called me back.

Hopeful: Bought a ticket for this week to an event in town.
Excited: Heard from the prosthetic place about finding someone to make me a custom-made glove. Supposed to be getting samples in for me to try soon.

The negative:
Frustrated: Realizing that some dog owners are never going to "get" it and will likely continue to repeat cues. Some of these people have Ph.Ds.
Annoyed: One dog I've been working with for the past eleven days was very loud this weekend.
Guilt: Not going to my friend's party a few weeks ago and not calling her. Did get up the nerve to call her though used cop out I was depressed and isolating (true but still doesn't seem like a very good excuse) She's the one that called back. We're still currently playing phone tag. Still feeling bad about being some below the type person.
Anxiety: Holiday season right around the corner. Found out my mom wants to visit at Thanksgiving. I do better with my mom visiting than my dad as long as my mom doesn't bring up some core issues, like my life plans, what I want to do, etc. It's a very sensitive topic for me and one I'm drilled about weekly from my father.
Pissed off: My therapist send me an e-mail message returning mine. Told her I wasn't doing well and would hopefully get to see her in Nov. One line was sent saying: I'm sorry you're not doing well. Remember to keep journaling." I was expecting more than that which was obviously not a good expectation. I doubt I'll have the money to see her especially since I pay out of pocket.
Confused: Can't figure out what to do with this guy. We've gone on two dates, spoke on the phone but not really feeling a connection. Don't know what to do.

So all this, the emotions exploded. I resorted to ED type behaviors. I ate more this weekend than all week. When I get like this, I want all my food gone, even ones I really like. This normally results in binge type behavior. Saturday, it was just a binge and nothing more, Sunday, ended up binging and purging. The aftermath is always feeling like shit and then guilty for getting rid of all my food when I knowingly know I don't have the money to really spend on food. Then just angry at myself for resorting to this type of behavior even if the purges are only once every two months or so.

Every purge destroys my teeth which causes me even more guilt. Thousands of money have been spent on my teeth the last ten years. I can't even remember how many root canals, crowns put on only to lose again, and teeth cracked I've also had three bridges, one still paying off and several teeth pulled. Currently, I have a hole for where an implant is supposed to be, another that is just a half of a tooth since the temporary fell off a month ago. My dental benefits don't actually begin until Jan. for any major work. It really sucks, but at the same time I keep wondering if it's worth it.

I know this is a new week. It's a short week for me at work too which will be nice overall. There is only one more dog graduation, then I'll have my evenings again. I'm also trying to convince myself to be social and go to this event this week even if I end up going alone.

For now, it's time to get dressed and do some much needed laundry.