Tuesday, March 17, 2009


Yesterday 's therapy session was tough, and I have a feeling it's not going to get easier. After I revealed my secret to C., I agreed to try to work on this issue, hoping maybe this time with concerted effort, I might be able to get past it. During the last few weeks, we've been working on trauma-related exercises.

The first exercise was to write rules prior to the trauma-related event and then see whether those beliefs were reinforced or different after the trauma. For me, since this trauma was over ten years ago, I had to think really hard about what I felt then versus now. It was much more difficult than I thought. C. could see how hard it was for me and pointed out how I was able to place the feelings but not the thoughts. This was an interesting observation, because with eating disorder issues, I'm Miss Rationalization and the feelings part become non-existent.

This is not to say that I don't rationalize with trauma-related issues either, it's just different. Often, it's with me wanting to continuously blame myself for everything. C. said something helpful which I thought might be helpful to some other bloggers who I know are having difficulties right now in dealing with both past and
present issues.

She said it wasn't so much a matter whether you were right or wrong or that you had choice in the matter. What matters is how it affected your beliefs--the way you see people, the world, yourself.

This helped me to take less blame for the situation and reminded me that it certainly did change the way I view some things. Beliefs are an interesting thing. From childhood, we are taught certain beliefs. As we grow and have both positive and negative experiences, we decide to either change our belief system or hold onto it. The thing that is hard is when a belief you had is shattered. You don't know whether you'll ever able to see it the same way even though that way was healthy.


Kim said...

"What matters is how it affected your beliefs--the way you see people, the world, yourself."

SO TRUE. Isn't it all about perception and interpretation? I think I'm wired to view things a certain way. It's been eye-opening for me to see others in a similar situation view it completely differently.

It sounds like you're making a lot of progress...

By the way, the dog pictures are SO CUTE! I'm still catching up on posts!

Lola Snow said...

I'm sorry it's been hard for you tiptoe, but I am glad you are facing this with C.

That quote hit home very strongly right now. As you know I've opened up my own closet and have been yanking all kinds of stuff out recently. Theres a few things that I've pulled out but been unable to post about because I've been far too busy beating myself up into a pulp over them. This really helped, thankyou for sharing.

Lola x

Tiptoe said...

Kim, yes, interpretation and perception make such a difference in everything. It is true being able to see how other perceive the same situations differently can be helpful.

The progress is early and slow and quite scary, but I am trying.

Lola, I know you're going through such a difficult time. I am glad that quote helped you. You were one of the people in my thoughts when I was writing it. *hugs*

Gaining Back My Life said...

I really hae to tel you, Tiptoe - I love reading your blog. Your writing is thoughtful and always interesting.

I learn something from you every day.

Tiptoe said...

GBML, :blush: Thanks for your sweet words. I heart your blog as well. You have some mad writing skills!

Kara said...

Thanks Tiptoe, this post made me think...