Yesterday 's therapy session was tough, and I have a feeling it's not going to get easier. After I revealed my secret to C., I agreed to try to work on this issue, hoping maybe this time with concerted effort, I might be able to get past it. During the last few weeks, we've been working on trauma-related exercises.
The first exercise was to write rules prior to the trauma-related event and then see whether those beliefs were reinforced or different after the trauma. For me, since this trauma was over ten years ago, I had to think really hard about what I felt then versus now. It was much more difficult than I thought. C. could see how hard it was for me and pointed out how I was able to place the feelings but not the thoughts. This was an interesting observation, because with eating disorder issues, I'm Miss Rationalization and the feelings part become non-existent.
This is not to say that I don't rationalize with trauma-related issues either, it's just different. Often, it's with me wanting to continuously blame myself for everything. C. said something helpful which I thought might be helpful to some other bloggers who I know are having difficulties right now in dealing with both past and present issues.
She said it wasn't so much a matter whether you were right or wrong or that you had choice in the matter. What matters is how it affected your beliefs--the way you see people, the world, yourself.
This helped me to take less blame for the situation and reminded me that it certainly did change the way I view some things. Beliefs are an interesting thing. From childhood, we are taught certain beliefs. As we grow and have both positive and negative experiences, we decide to either change our belief system or hold onto it. The thing that is hard is when a belief you had is shattered. You don't know whether you'll ever able to see it the same way even though that way was healthy.