What should I be doing? Working on my two weeks worth of therapy assignments. Yeah, just a little procrastination. :sigh: Not sure why, it's really not that tough: write at least one page on how your trauma has affected your beliefs. I've actually thought about it in my head, but that doesn't really count. Perhaps, putting it on paper, just makes it more real, similar to saying actual words. The second exercise is rather easy and based on thoughts and actions/consequences. I guess I should be good for that one after last weekend.
I know it'll get done before my appointment on Monday, I'm just upset with myself for procrastinating it and now feeling stressed. It's like school when you've procrastinated a much needed class project, except this time, there isn't a grade, no right or wrong answer, no judgment, no reading it aloud to class. Therefore, there shouldn't be this perceived sense of pressure. Come to think of it, I've procrastinated a lot of things I had planned to get done this week--working on my taxes, doing that edriving course a la speed ticket (registered for it and went through the introduction which I might add is incredibly cheesy--talking bobbledheads, hula girls, and tree shaped air refreshener), going to the bank, making eggrolls, and probably more. I guess my plan is to lump it all into Monday and Tuesday when I don't feel so time constrained. But then, it just becomes a vicious cycle. You plan to accomplish all these things, yet feel stressed. However, you know if you don't get all this done, you'll just feel unsuccessful for the day. Yes, this is how I make things difficult for myself.
I happened to catch one of my favorite movies last night: American Beauty (1999) For some reason, as dark of a comedy (if you can call it that) it was, I found it to be such a moving piece of work. Not only did it portray so many overlying themes, but each character had so much depth that it made it easy for me to identify with their various issues--feeling unsuccessful, wanting to be successful, trying to be perfect, fear of being ordinary, feeling different, feeling like a loser, trying to find yourself,, holding onto secrets, feeling powerless, wanting to change, trying to find happiness, seeing beauty, etc. I think one of the best themes it showcased was that you can never assume anything, you never know what goes on behind closed doors. During the time this movie came out, I felt like everything was for show, so this theme resonates with me closely. I know I've talked about facades before, but it makes me really think about the people I've encountered in my life, both past and present. How many others held a facade? Would knowing their back story cause me to be different towards them? Or if they knew my background, would they have felt differently towards me? I could probably talk more about this film, but I do want to mention a few other scenes I really like. The paper bag video is beautiful, and the last scene in the movie is quite moving, especially of Annette Bening grabbing Lester's clothes. I think that particular moment touches me so much, because it's a scene I can imagine so many others doing when there is profound loss. To end on a positive, random note, 8/9 books I ordered have come in this week.