Procrastination and exhaustion are winning out

If you all remember from a few previous posts ago, Christmas is at my house this year. I'm handling it okay for the most part, however, procrastination and exhaustion have won out. I've spoken about procrastination before here and here. I was really determined to have much of what I needed to get done this past weekend. This included shopping, wrapping gifts, baking cookie for my neighbors, Christmas cards, making ornaments and treats for dog daycare dogs, and cleaning. Well, the only things that got done were shopping and the dog treats and ornaments for the daycare dogs. As a respite from all this, I did see Black Swan--a post on that later.

This week, I have only gotten my Christmas cards sent out. No gifts have been wrapped, no baking done, and little cleaning has been done. My mom and her husband get in late tomorrow evening. My father will come in Friday evening. And I still have a full two days of work. I was quite disappointed at this, because I scheduled a doctor's appointment for tomorrow afternoon, thinking it was late enough to have the rest of the day off. However, I'm scheduled to come back for an additional 3 hours to clean and do a dog daycare evaluation.

This leaves hardly any time at all to clean and have the house the way I want it simply due to my own doing. :sigh I'm really not complaining here, but now wonder why in the world I agreed to this in the first place.

All I can do at this point is what I can. In the meantime, I'll go ahead and get a few hours of zzzzs and get up early to see what else I can done. Did I mention why I dislike the holidays?

Once again, procrastination taking its toll

I leave for my trip next Monday, but once again, I'm in procrastination mode. Despite having gotten a lot done yesterday, I still have a ton more to do. I write an exuberant amount of lists, telling myself I'm going to get this, this, and this done, but when push comes to shove, I sit and read articles online, always afraid of missing the latest, current breakthrough, play mah jong on my blackberry, play farmtown on facebook (yes, it's the one application I'm addicted to on there), and continuously worry and make up scenarios in my head of what will happen next week, etc.

Basically, I'm doing everything BUT the things I really need to get done. I seem to continue to think that I must have all my laundry done, the house clean, my dogs' nails dremeled, and my yards (there are three large areas) nice and neatly trimmed (kind of hard with the consistent pouring of rain we've had lately). Really, most of these are things that can be put off for the moment, but my mind seems to feel these mundane tasks MUST be done.

It seems my procrastination voice is similar to my ED voice in that when I'm not getting the things that I know I should get done, I berate myself for not getting them done. It's such a vicious, petty cycle.

Other factors that may be playing into my worries include:

Baxter's diarrhea since last Wed. It is getting better, but I worry it will come back next week. I debate on whether to actually go to the vet since I really don't think it really justifies a vet visit, just some "in case" medication.

My mother's un-helpfulness. I keep asking her if events are planned. She just says not really and that everyone does their own thing except at night when people get together. Obviously, I feel I need "structure." That, and I've been trying to figure out plans of getting together with people. I had forgotten I actually do know a lot of people in Florida. They're unfortunately, on the other side of the state, so it is doubtful I'll get to visit.

Major body woes. I think over the last month or so, I've gotten extremely fatter. I know, it's just my distorted thinking, but it's how I'm feeling at the moment. This just causes huge anxiety not only with my body but over food as well. Other times, when I'm feeling "okay," this is not as bothersome.

And lastly, I'm trying to figure out just where I have gotten all these mysterious bites. It seems I'll be taking my jar of bag balm with me. (Just a note, I've found bag balm incredibly effective for anti-itching. Slightly greasy but worth it in my opinion)

Okay, end of vent.

Note--*By the way, procrastination is not new to me. I've written about it here and here. I guess I'm at least consistent. :-/

Procrastinating...and a favorite movie

What should I be doing? Working on my two weeks worth of therapy assignments. Yeah, just a little procrastination. :sigh: Not sure why, it's really not that tough: write at least one page on how your trauma has affected your beliefs. I've actually thought about it in my head, but that doesn't really count. Perhaps, putting it on paper, just makes it more real, similar to saying actual words. The second exercise is rather easy and based on thoughts and actions/consequences. I guess I should be good for that one after last weekend.

I know it'll get done before my appointment on Monday, I'm just upset with myself for procrastinating it and now feeling stressed. It's like school when you've procrastinated a much needed class project, except this time, there isn't a grade, no right or wrong answer, no judgment, no reading it aloud to class. Therefore, there shouldn't be this perceived sense of pressure. Come to think of it, I've procrastinated a lot of things I had planned to get done this week--working on my taxes, doing that edriving course a la speed ticket (registered for it and went through the introduction which I might add is incredibly cheesy--talking bobbledheads, hula girls, and tree shaped air refreshener), going to the bank, making eggrolls, and probably more. I guess my plan is to lump it all into Monday and Tuesday when I don't feel so time constrained. But then, it just becomes a vicious cycle. You plan to accomplish all these things, yet feel stressed. However, you know if you don't get all this done, you'll just feel unsuccessful for the day. Yes, this is how I make things difficult for myself.

Moving on.

wikipedia
I happened to catch one of my favorite movies last night: American Beauty (1999) For some reason, as dark of a comedy (if you can call it that) it was, I found it to be such a moving piece of work. Not only did it portray so many overlying themes, but each character had so much depth that it made it easy for me to identify with their various issues--feeling unsuccessful, wanting to be successful, trying to be perfect, fear of being ordinary, feeling different, feeling like a loser, trying to find yourself,, holding onto secrets, feeling powerless, wanting to change, trying to find happiness, seeing beauty, etc. I think one of the best themes it showcased was that you can never assume anything, you never know what goes on behind closed doors. During the time this movie came out, I felt like everything was for show, so this theme resonates with me closely. I know I've talked about facades before, but it makes me really think about the people I've encountered in my life, both past and present. How many others held a facade? Would knowing their back story cause me to be different towards them? Or if they knew my background, would they have felt differently towards me? I could probably talk more about this film, but I do want to mention a few other scenes I really like. The paper bag video is beautiful, and the last scene in the movie is quite moving, especially of Annette Bening grabbing Lester's clothes. I think that particular moment touches me so much, because it's a scene I can imagine so many others doing when there is profound loss. To end on a positive, random note, 8/9 books I ordered have come in this week.

Procrastination

I'm really not that big of a procrastinator except for packing! I'm not sure what it is about this specific behavior that makes me wait, then stress, then just berate myself over for not starting sooner. Do I just want to self-inflict pain upon myself? Oh, wait a minute, I already do that.

Anyway, I found this cute cartoon on procrastination on this blog:

I know the packing will get done. It just means I have to be very efficient in the morning and hope that I do not forget anything. This trip is only 6 days, so even if I forget something, it won't be that big of a deal as long as it does not pertain to any actual running apparel.

On a side note, besides looking forward to the race on Sunday, I have a few other things to look forward to. I'm visiting a dog trainer friend on Tues. We're going to meet for coffee after my hair appt. On Mon., I'm meeting an old high school friend whom I have not see in ten years! I'm excited, nervous, and worried too. When I first extended the invitation, it was spontaneous (so unlike me), filled with curiosity and excitement. This hasn't waned, but there's a slight bit of anxiety and trepidation after so many years. I'm promising myself not to back out and whatever happens happens. There's more to this than just meeting this old friend, but that's a post for another day.

Okay, I'm officially going to head to bed and get some zzzzs before my drive. I'll check in sometime during the weekend. At my mom's, there are at least 4 computers, so I'm bound to find one to get my internet fix.