My parents are visiting this weekend. So far, it has gone well. It's the first time in a long time I have not felt an overwhelming anxiety upon their visit. Perhaps, it is because it is a "working" visit with getting stuff done around the house? In any case, it is nice to not feel so anxious about it. I think a lot of this also has to do with the fact that my parents no longer hate where I am living, my job, my boss, etc.
But still as thoughts like this change, there are other things that do not.
At at Thai restaurant we went to last night, we were talking about people who had cancer (my mom had breast cancer back in my teens, my father has had colon cancer and melanoma twice). My father made the comment,
"I made a deal with God that as long as my family stayed healthy and okay, he could do whatever he wanted to me. And so far, this has been the case. Tiptoe here is healthy, except for that small health scare."
And it is that last part that always gets to me. That time period he is referring to are my ED-filled years where it was so blatant, out there. It was noticeable then. It affected everyone then. It made my parents fearful that they might lose me if I continued to go down the path I was.
So luckily, this didn't happen, right? True, yes. But at the same time, my parents, well at least my father, view this simply as a "blip" in my life. A blip to me seems like something that is short, brief, hardly noticeable, NOT something that lasts 12 years.
There is a small part of me that holds some resentment, like how could they view this part of my life that way? I guess it is easier for the participant versus the observer to feel this way. Although there isn't a flat out denial that the ED existed, viewing it as a blip doesn't seem right or fair to me. How can someone feel this way when something like this consumed your life for so long?
But maybe in a way, a blip is better? Maybe, it's a way to be able to move on for some. For me, even if it is a"blip," it is not something I can ever forget. Perhaps, it's too soon to feel something like this or maybe later in recovery, my feelings will change?
For those in recovery, how do you view your ED? Does it feel like a distant part of your life? Does it feel like a "blip?"