The "In-Between State"

I do not know if you are familiar with Pema Chodron, a well known Buddhist nun.  She's written a number of books about meditation and applying it to your everyday life.  This passage from her book, The Places that Scare You.  If you have not read it, please do so. 

I read it a number of years ago and found it very helpful.  I actually remember this passage well about the "In-between state."  I think there are a lot of us that struggle with this in recovery.  As I like to say with anything I read, people I hear, etc., there is always something to learn from them all--take what you want and leave the rest.

We are told about the pain of chasing after pleasure and the futility of running from pain. We hear also about the joy of awakening, of realizing our interconnectedness, of trusting the openness of our hearts and minds. But we aren't told all that much about this state of being in-between, no longer able to get our old comfort from the outside but not yet dwelling in a continual sense of equanimity and warmth.

Anxiety, heartbreak, and tenderness mark the in-between state. It's the kind of place we usually want to avoid. The challenge is to stay in the middle rather than buy into struggle and complaint. The challenge is to let it soften us rather than make us more rigid and afraid. Becoming intimate with the queasy feeling of being in the middle of nowhere only makes our hearts more tender. When we are brave enough to stay in the middle, compassion arises spontaneously. By not knowing, not hoping to know, and not acting like we know what's happening, we begin to access our inner strength. 

Yet, it seems reasonable to want some kind of relief. If we can make the situation right or wrong, if we can pin it down in any way, then we are on familiar ground. But something has shaken up our habitual patterns and frequently they no longer work. Staying with volatile energy gradually becomes more comfortable than acting out or repressing it. This open-ended tender place is called bodhichitta. Staying with it is what heals. It allows us to let go of our self-importance. It's how the warrior learns to love.

Mourning the loss of a self.

It is not often that I read an article and really relate to it like I did this one: Leaving the sport, gaining an eating disorder.  Though I'm not big on the title "gaining an eating disorder" like it was something that came out of the blue, I did like some of the points the article mentioned.

The big highlight to me was about loss of identity.  Here was this woman who had devoted her life to gymnastics, retired, and then appeared to become fixated on her body.  While it is true as she says, "The same quality that made me great at sports made me want to get really skinny," the real underlying issue was feeling a huge loss--a life she had known, now going into the unknown, feeling lost, and developing a different identity for herself.

Coming from similar experiences, it is hard to "find" a new identity.  There are those who go unscathed and immediately jump into something new with ease, but I think for a lot of people it isn't easy.  With eating disorders, this can be seen on both ends of the spectrum.  For some, it is the beginning of an eating disorder, for others, it is a loss of an eating disorder as they enter recovery.  What both have in common is that each necessarily needs time to mourn.  I think people forget this and then blame themselves for not being "over" it (whatever that may be); or, they may feel that pressure from misunderstood people.  Or, they hold onto the ideal, that this is their only identity.

For those of you who need scientific evidence, in this New Yorker piece, "Scientists have found that grief, like fear, is a stress reaction, attended by deep physiological change."

The take home message here is that it is okay to feel sad and upset.  In fact, I think it is important and healthy. This doesn't mean it has to be some huge event, or some tear jerking session (though of course it is okay to cry too-nothing wrong with that), but it's more a feeling of a kind of acceptance.  It's knowing that the loss of one identity allows for us to grow into a different identity--an identity that we can embrace, learn to like, and be successful at.

The woman in this article was lucky in that her eating disordered behavior only lasted about a year.  For many others, it is a long, drawn out process of years.  I hope those reading are not in the latter.  But if you are, and this is one of the things you've held onto-the identity of an ED, I hope you will be able to eventually let go of it.  A good question to ponder here is: how do you want to be remembered--the eating disordered girl? What identity do you want?

Finally-letting go of clothing

A few weeks ago, I posted Measures of our worth, discussing unhealthy things we hold onto--the things we know we should let go of but don't necessarily until we finally realize how detrimental that item is, whether it is behaviorally or emotionally or both.

Many of us have old clothing items we have held onto for a long time, even during recovery. Whether it is out of security, a longing for, or a symbolism of the past, truly, it just is not helpful to us in the end.  

Earlier this week, I decided to get rid of this pair of jeans.  A local rescue group is having a yard sale this weekend, so I thought I would put this in my donation box.  I was actually going to hand this pair of jeans plus several other items over to an upscale consignment shop, but I just never got around to it.

This pair of jeans got some usage, mostly in my twenties, but hasn't been worn in several years to be honest.  Besides that I'm no longer starving myself, I think it's also the fact that I decided I wanted to wear things that actually fit me better-not only waist wise but also length wise.  This pair of jeans has an inseam of 30".  On someone who is only about 5'1, it was way too long.  When I originally bought this off of ebay, I was stoked, because I found a pair of Abercrombie & Fitch men's slouch jeans. (I had another pair my mom had found for me years before which I loved) 

I think I kept this pair of jeans hanging in my closet for the sole purpose of wishing-knowing that there was always the option to go back.  And I needed to hold onto that for a long time until I felt strong enough to know there was the least bit likelihood that I would revert back.

So this is now farewell, good riddance to this piece of clothing.  Though there isn't quite as much anguish as I thought there would be, it is still removing a part of your life-a symbolism of sorts.  I just hope now that whoever buys them does it for the right fit and not a yearning to be something they are not.

In case you didn't see these other creative posts by some fantastic bloggers, check them out:

Sarah used her jeans as an art project.

Katie, for her 100th post, took more drastic measures and watched her jeans melt and crumble.

p.s.-yes, this photo was staged-see the symbolism?

Dog bite inhibition and recovery

This past weekend I attended a 3-day dog seminar by one of the dog gurus of positive reinforcement.  As he would say his ideas are not new, but he has re-popularized them.  Several years ago this dog guru was going to retire from lecturing but decided to come back, mainly because he felt the state of dog training was going in a downward direction, ahem, with some people only believing things they were seeing on television.  Thus, the last couple of years or so, he has been lecturing worldwide again which many of us, especially those of us who are fairly young in this industry, are delighted in seeing.

I've heard this speaker before and have seen him at conferences, but this was the first I'd seen in this type of format.  Truly, it was a great seminar with a lot of information and better clarity as to why his specific method works.  I felt really inspired.

There was one thing that was especially interesting to me and related to eating disorders and recovery.  He was specifically talking about behavioral consults with owners.  The consults could be a variety of topics, but one of the most that not only he has seen but many of us are dogs who bite.  He allows the owner to give the history of their dogs--the how, why, when, where, triggers, etc. for the dog bites.  But for him, there are only two critical pieces of information:  1) Is the dog dangerous? and 2) Did the dog/person have to go to the vet/hospital?

The rest of the information, you could say fills out the story, but these are the defining criteria.  It doesn't really matter that the dog bit when this, this, and this (triggers we could say) happened, because all it means is there is still a problem.  Even if the dog has a predisposition (maybe wired to have anxiety) to biting or has a medical condition, or whatever, the whole point is that it never fully developed what we call good bite inhibition (meaning they know how to control their mouths and are less likely to bite you, a kid, another dog, animal, etc.).  

So where am I going with this?  It's a bit two-fold here.  First, many of us, professionals included, have a tendency to talk about the past a lot (and certainly there is a place and time for that).  There becomes a tendency to get lost in the details but a failure to truly look at what to do now and learn how to resolve the problem.  For example, we can say, well, this triggered me, so that was why I didn't do x, y, or z.  But the thing is that that we have to stop looking at that "trigger" as I hate to put it this way but an excuse at times.

Perhaps, I view this differently from others, because I'm in a different place now; or maybe I got tired of looking at the past (there is only so much sulking, feeling ashamed, feeling guilty, etc. that one can do) or triggers or whatever and wanted to figure out how to help myself in the here and now.  

Secondly, there are a lot of us who walk around in "functional" modes.  This would actually equate to the most dangerous type of dog--the dog who is well socialized but has poor bite inhibition.  An example he gave us was a dog who was a therapy dog.  The dog (a Golden Retriever by the way) was about to retire and was going on one last therapy trip with another handler, not the owner.  The handler accidentally slammed the dog's tail in the door, and the dog redirected and bit her arm multiple times, sending her to the hospital.

With the "functional" ED person, we are well liked, do well at our jobs/school, take care of our family, go to social event, etc. but then do poorly at taking care of ourselves--to the point of physically and mentally wearing ourselves down to just a stub of nothing.

Now, I don't think there is necessarily a denial problem, but there is a kind of recovery lapse here. I certainly raise my hand to this.  I've been there and done that, thinking well, this, this, and this isn't happening, so it's not a problem, it's not a big deal.  But it IS a big deal.  Each moment we stop ourselves from a a certain meal, a fun event, a social event, a time with our families, a time with friends, a memory-making trip, we are depriving ourselves of something.

Anyway, I do not know if this analogy will make sense to people, but the whole notion of even though there is x, y, and z that happens, there is ultimately still a problem.  And that is something we have to remember at times when we become complacent with ourselves.  For those of us who may be stuck in the past and in the details, we have to continue to look forward and not backward.  Andi n each of these processes, it is of course baby steps along the way. 

Butterfly show

Last week, my dad and I visited the Conservatory here which is hosting a Brazilian themed butterfly show. Though I do love butterflies, I was a little disappointed overall, just because I wanted to see more species. It seemed I just kept seeing multitudes of the same ones. Plus, I was hoping to see a larger butterfly count. At least I didn't notice any dead ones like someone mentioned in a review last year.

I may go again at another time when it is not so crowded. The day we went was on a Sunday, the second day after the exhibit opened. So of course there were tons of families and kids there. Not that there is anything wrong with that, it is a fun event for kids, I just like to not feel so rushed into taking photos and such.

Anyway, I've always found butterflies such a nice metaphor for recovery and am always reminded of their beginnings as caterpillars. In a post last year, I mentioned my sighting of some Black Swallowtail caterpillars around my curly parsley plants. They were literally only there for an evening/night, and then like a flash, they were gone, only leaving the stalk remnants of the parsley. Unfortunately, recovery is not an overnight process and takes a lot of time. Don't we all wish it could like a flash though? You eat, your body is restored, your mind changes about food, and boom we're all better, normal, happy. Then, we could just have a party.

All I can say is to try to stick with it, as hard as it is at times. Familiarity is always easier, so it's learning to take chances, to face your fears, to trust your body, to realize that there is a much better life outside of an ED, to discover/rediscover who you are.

And lastly, I just want to give a shout out to all those wonderful ED recovery/body image bloggers and advocates out there. It's been a pleasure to watch some of you blossom and gain your wings in recovery. It's a scary thing to gain those wings--you can easily fly as you can fall. But, by taking flight, you are seeing what is out there for you, what is within your grasp.

More Butterfly photos

Taste revisited

Awhile back, I posted about how taste can be impacted with recovery. This is to say that anedoctally, taste seems to come back when you are in recovery as opposed to when you are actively in your ED.

The other day, I was listening to a fascinating podcast by All in the Mind about Taste. For instance, did you know that we are all actually born liking sweet and hating bitter? As Linda Bartoshuk, director of Human Research at the Smell and Taste Center at the University of Florida, says:

You love high fat, high sweet, high salt we all do, we're born loving that. Those are incredible survival tactics -- that gives you calorie sugar, gives your brain salt an important macro-mineral for brain and muscle function..

But of course as time gos by, we learn other tastes like bitter and sour. We learn to smell which invariably affects our tastes. And then, there is the culture and emotional components that affect our tastes.

During the show, Linda talked about supertasters. So what are supertasters? They are people who have more taste buds or fungiform paillae. These people experience double the intensity as other people in regards to taste and are more sensitive to pain on their tongues. These people also have difficulty with the taste of bitter.

What does this have to do with eating disorders? Well, it got me thinking. What if you were actually a supertaster prior to your ED. Then, your ED suppressed your taste buds since your brain made food non-rewarding, and you could simply no longer recognize taste. There was a study about how taste is different for those with anorexia which provided evidence of the difference between those with AN and those who did not. Yes, this study was done with recovered anorexics. However, it still makes me wonder whether taste can fully come back in recovery--not necessarily as the rewarding factor per se but the intensity/sensitivity factor.

Does taste seem more intense in recovery? Are foods you once thought of as sweet not so sweet or sweeter? Are foods that were once sour more or less so? And how about the taste of salt, fat, and bitter?

Maybe, this would be a good experiment in a bit of intuitive eating which is partly about slowing down, eating the food and asking yourself how it tastes among other things.

Small pieces of recovery

This week's been tough--not only emotionally but also in that breakfast has been less substantial this week. Luckily, it did not throw me off too much as I did have good dinners (lunch is still a work in progress and is probably more like a snack than a real "lunch"). So here's how the story goes. I think I've said this before, but most mornings, my breakfast is oatmeal, a full banana most days (this used to only be a half), and peanut butter. When I am missing an ingredient, for whatever reason, my brain says, I cannot eat that then, and I need to find something else instead. Typically, this results in something less substantial like just a clif bar and/or granola bar.

This week, I ran out of peanut butter AND bananas. I kept telling myself I needed to go to the store and buy some. Well, everyday this week, something prevented me from going to the store. Since I am only able to go in the evenings after work, if it is too late, like after 7:30pm, I just wont go ( I know bizarre) On Monday and Tuesday, my neighbor was coming over to look at my propane heater and furnace. On Wednesday, Tovah had vomiting and projectile diarrhea. The day before, she and Daphne had a par-tay, ripping apart a bag of whole wheat flour! Whole wheat flour was all over the kitchen and their noses and paws claimed the evidence. A few of m FB friends say Clover implicated them. LOL Apparently, they both ate a lot of it-Tovah moreso. Both had some unforeseen problems, but Tovah's was way worse.

She woke me up in the middle of the night to potty. I was inches away from stepping in her vomit barefoot. (ewww gross!) This is a good reminder to always put on shoes before stepping into darkness. Then, when I got home on my lunch break, she had vomit all over her crate and awful projectile diarrhea outside (yes I know TMI). I promptly gave her meds which I think are finally helping.

Due to wanting to rush home to make sure she and her crate were okay, I did not get to the store. But finally tonight, I did, and I got my peanut butter and bananas and some other items I needed. All is well now for breakfast. :grin:

The funny thing was and why I am writing this post is that while I was at the store, I found myself a bit hungry. I knew I would eat dinner at home but wanted something to just tide me over--something sweet. I found myself going right to the sample cookies and taking two without even skipping a beat. I didn't think omigod how many calories and fat do each of these things have or how many miles would I have to run to burn this off or no dinner for me or how could I be so gluttonous or I must compensate tomorrow for eating these cookies.


Instead, I ate the cookies piece by piece, went along my merry way throughout the store, getting the rest of my items. I had no lingering thoughts about those cookies. This reminded me how such small happenings become markers of progress in recovery. It is important that we always celebrate the small victories, because none are ever too small.

Properly feeding guests

I know I am a little early about talking about the holidays, but we have to face that they are upon us soon. No no holiday music here yet, but already the Christmas decorations are out and stores are trying to figure out how to wrangle in cash-strapped shoppers (apparently Wal-Mart is jumping the gun with free shipping on online deals two weeks before Black Friday to compete with their adversary Amazon via NPR).

Besides all this, it means festivities and celebrations (usually with food included) will soon be here too. This brings me to today's Jezebel piece on how to properly feed your guests. Anna did a great job on giving a lot of different examples of food restrictions you might encounter as a host and tips to guests to help them deal with these social food gatherings, including a few by me for those in eating disorder recovery. Take a look, some good advice is given.

Reminders of recovery

I'm super busy this week with working on a powerpoint for work, conference calls, and working on a big project for October, so though I have posts I really want to write, they are going to have to wait until the end of the weekend.

In the meantime, here are some cool photos I took recently that reminded me of recovery:

I happened to see these yesterday afternoon on my three-quarter eaten curly parsley plant for Clover. I originally thought they were some kind of worm, but from a quick google image search, I learned they were Black Swallowtail caterpillars. As we all know with caterpillars, they eventually metamorphose into beautiful butterflies.

I think recovery can be looked at like the life cycle of a butterfly. ( ) is my interpretation of ED recovery. Butterflies start with an egg (idea of recovery forms) In the larva stage, they are caterpillars where they eat to grow (re-feeding/weight gain) The third stage is the Chrysalis or pupa stage. This is when the caterpillar has reached its full weight/length and forms a pupa (cocoon structure) It may look like nothing is going on, but amazing transformations are taking place inside. Tissues, limbs, and organs are becoming developed for the butterfly (ED processing, change of thoughts, ideas, and actions) In the fourth and final stage, beautiful adult butterflies emerge. The butterflies shed their cocoon substance and have soft, folded wings which they must learn to fly with in order to survive and mate. (testing the waters of recovery, may be a slow process, learn to apply knowledge we have learned)

In this last stage, we learn, rediscover, and break free from the ED. We emerge more aware, more understanding, and in a healthier state of body and mind. Just like the life cycle of a butterfly continues on and on, sometimes our recovery is too. It may take more than one life cycle of a butterfly for us to finally turn into that butterfly of recovery.

Recovery is also like a tunnel. It is long and can be windy. We may feel like we are stuck in one particular spot forever, but in reality, there is always an end, an opening, a light at the end of the tunnel. At times, it is only that light that reminds us of the goal, keeps us in perspective when all feels lost or we are frustrated. Therefore, if we continue through the tunnel, we can eventually find our way out.

Note--*Caterpillar pictures were taken at night! I was quite impressed with myself!

Mediation

Whenever I think of the work mediation, I imagine two bickering parties who cannot come to an understanding, compromise, or any level of negotiability. Most notably, for whatever reason, those who are in enduring battle of divorce come to mind, NOT me!

This Thursday, my boss, A. has decided we are doing a mediation of sorts with her dog business consultant (we both know her, though A. has worked with her extensively the last 3 or so years) who lives across the country in CA. I've been very hesitant about this since I do not feel like we need this. We do not fit this profile of two bickering parties or a couple once joyfully together on the brink of breakdown. Instead, we are two people who have known each other for awhile, though as friends, and are now adjusting to different roles. Whenever this happens, there is bound to be transition on both ends.

So I'm going to back up here for a moment as this all started exactly two weeks ago. Yes, I've been thinking about this post for awhile, trying to figure out how to write it without feeling like some sort of jerk. This all really began with a comment I made. This casual conversation was one we were having--just our normal talking. It started out about cleaning and just evolved from there.

A.: The "old A." is back.
Me: Oh.
A.: D. (husband) said he kind of liked the "new A." (she was referring to cleaning here but really my thinking is that it was more than just cleaning)
Me: Well, just be careful, okay. (this was said as a calm, cautionary note). Make sure to find balance between the old and new A.
A.: Well, what is wrong with the old A.?
Me: There isn't anything wrong with the old A., just that you need to find the balance, that's all--make sure you are enjoying life, know that if something doesn't work out, it won't be the end of the world, etc.
A.: Well, I know that. I just don't understand what was wrong with the old A.
Me: I can't explain it exactly.

That was the catalyst for all this. After that, I had the whole being called in the "principal's office scenario." The closest thing to this type of scenario I ever was once being questioned by what felt like an Inquisition by my former boss. It is certainly not a feeling I like.

A. wanted to say what I was feeling, basically spilling out my grievances. We went over schedules -I insisted on an 1 1/2 lunch (this was the only thing I wanted, especially as I work some 10+ hour days), being a little more prompt on time (I said I could do this and have), employer/employee relationship (she said how she really couldn't treat me differently, though there are only 2 employees and our jobs are very different), a few things that I felt a bit insulted by (I suggested she just needed to give a brief explanation for her reasoning). I also said a few personal things in that yes, I do tend to get a little miffed at something at first on some things, but easily get over it in a day or so (I'm the type that forgives but doesn't necessarily forget. This doesn't mean I hold a grudge but just that I do keep a note in my head), that most times I only need to be told something one time, then I know it, and that sometimes it was difficult for me not to compare her to my former boss (we both know her) since there were some things she did that was similar and other things that were not. A.'s reply to this last comment was that 1) she was not like my former boss and 2) most dog trainers are controlling, so she and my boss would have to be in this business. At the end of our meeting, she said she felt better. I felt okay, but it really made me think further about how I've changed in some ways.

When A. and I had this meeting, her first comment out of her mouth was "I was born wanting to be the best at everything." This got to me a lot, because damn, I was the same way for many, many years. And I know in the end, that type of thinking can ruin you. I know it does not for everyone, but it can with our similar histories (she had Anorexia in high school--recovered through I'd say a modified Maudsley approach) I'd say the big difference between us is that my perfectionism of sorts was solely internal based, whereas hers has been both internal and external/environmental based, meaning that she wants others around her to be too.

To me, it seems that her AN was replaced with wanting to be the best at work or her dogs (she used to be very hard, controlling on her dogs) or cleaning or at whatever. And with this new facility, she wants it to be the premiere dog place around here. There's of course nothing wrong with that, and it is definitely an aspiring goal to get to--one in fact that I think could get there in the next few years. But I'm not thinking so much about that as in getting ourselves established and out there without spreading ourselves too thin (example-too many events to work on in a short period of time).

I guess what this boils down to is that A.'s thoughts and actions remind me so much of ED filled days that I no longer want to be a part of that. My Ed filled days were black and white with hardly any gray in between. It's taken me a long time to find some sort of middle ground, to be able to relax a bit, have a little more of a life, actually enjoy it more. I came here partly for more opportunity but mostly for change. In my old environment, it was definitely chaotic with my former boss. Our relationship was very complicated and that wrecked havoc on me, and part of my ED was manifested by this.

This is not to say that I've become some complete slacker. I'm still perfectionistic no doubt and still have to fight being less so. However, the difference is that it's not quite as meaningful as it once was. I'm able to let go a bit more, be open to more things, not feel too upset if I don't get something done that day, etc.

This post is not to knock A. at all. She's a great person with a lot of knowledge, and we're just going through a rough patch right now, though the last week has been better (at least she's talking to me like normal than just saying what needs to be done). I know A., herself, has come a long way in how she sees things. I've told her that I know she has had a lot going on, has had a lot of transitions to deal with, and is always evolving as a person. For example, in her earlier years, she invested in the attitude "it's my way or the highway," so the fact that yes, she did hear me out some, I commend her for this. However, I still do not think we really need this mediation. But, being the good natured person I am, I said if she felt she needed this, then I was fine with that.

I know A. expects me to be as honest as possible, but I'm slightly leary about that. As my mom says, "Self preservation is the most important thing!" Things said can truly come back and bite you in the ass! So, I'm nervous about this whole mediation thing and have to come up with two lists of what is working and what is not working. I know logically I should look at this proactively, but it's the connotation of "mediation." that somehow makes me feel like I am disagreeable, cannot come to compromises, etc. which is so untrue. I guess ironically it makes me feel like the "un-perfect" person. :sigh:

Has anyone else had to deal with business mediations or have any wonderful words of wisdom?

Finally, a few appointments made

I've been in this new area for 9 months now, and in that time, I finally made a few much needed appointments this week. First, I made an appointment with an optometrist. I don't have awful eyesight, but I do wear contacts, and my stash of those had dwindled to just one pair. I think I may have stretched this last pair for a month which isn't the most healthy thing to do.

The appointment went well, the optometrist was super nice. We decided to up my prescription by 0.25 and try a new lens, Biofinity. This lens is actually made to last a month and so far are very comfortable. I hardly notice they are there at all. Once I get these contacts ordered, then that will be it for a year unless I wind up with some major eye problem.

Then today, I saw a new internal medicine doctor. I originally made the appointment a few weeks ago when I was still itching, but the itching has finally ceased other than the mosquito bites I get upon forgetting Off! With the humidity here, the evening time is the absolute worst!

The appointment itself went okay--pretty much just going through paperwork and history. As I filled out the new patient info. prior to my appointment, I debated once again whether to disclose the ED stuff. I decided to wait and form an opinion about the doctor first.

She seemed okay--kind of on the hard side, asking very direct questions quickly. I really went back and forth on the issue of disclosure of the ED. I was not going to unless some problem arose, but literally right as I was leaving, I told her I was in recovery for an ED in a "oh by the way" fashion. She congratulated me, asked a few questions, said if I needed referrals she would be happy to give, and that was that.

Whenever I'm in this situation, I vacillate in telling. Part of me wants to erase the ED history, though it's still not far enough away in the past to delete. Another part of me feels like someone should know in case, well, something goes wrong, or I majorly relapse or something to that effect.

The thing is the ED should be something you can just say as if it was cancer, but there is always some negative connotation for me. I keep wondering if this is something I'll always think about. Will saying I dealt with an eating disorder for many years ever get easier? How far removed do I have to be?

In the end, I guess I'm glad I let her know, but still, it leaves me feeling off.

Curiosity killed the cat, but...

I can say that curiosity didn't kill me this time. Awhile ago, I mentioned that my boss decided to get a dog scale. We discussed this a bit, and I said my qualms over the scale. She seemed to understand and agreed that it would only be used for long term boarders and not on an everyday basis.

Since we are not boarding yet, the scale isn't being used. However, the location of this scale is right by the door that leads to outside potty and play areas. Thus, I pass the scale at least a dozen times a day. I've never been truly "chained" to the scale, but many times in the past, my curiosity would get the best of me, and I'd hop on a scale as free opportunity. When I did this, the scale would provide an array or emotions. On one end was sadness, feeling upset, feeling worse about myself, feeling like I failed, utter dismay at myself, or a feeling of loathness. Then, on the opposite end, was giddiness when numbers dropped, a sense of "high," elation, exuberance. However, there was also the middle end of the spectrum of feeling confused why my numbers had dropped or risen or feeling surprised why my weight stayed the same or lost or gained. Ahh such a conundrum!

This past week, I wound up jumping on the scale, but the interesting thing wasn't so much the fact of the number, a number which I've been lower and higher before, but rather the less intensity of the number. Right now, it's more a feeling of feeling "flabby" than fat. But the interesting thing is that I'm able to give myself permission rather than beration if this makes any sense. I know my schedule has been busy, that my "flabbiness" is probably due to hardly any formal exercising. This makes me question nowadays how people who are single with children with full-time jobs fit in exercise. It's not an easy task. Maybe, it's more that my priorities have changed. And for now, I'm okay with that.

The Bench

This is just a nice poem about needing support posted from Gurze Books  in the Eating Disorders Review.

If you haven't looked through Gurze, they have some great resources for eating disorders.

 

 The Bench

I know the journey is hard.
There's a bench just up ahead
Under some trees.
Let's sit down,
Stop for a while.
We don't have to talk
Unless you want to.
We can listen to the birds sing,
Feel the wind,
Enjoy the view,
And see,
Really see
The life that's out there for us.
Then,
When we are both ready,
We can continue
Our journey of recovery.
I know it has its bumps
And steep hills,
But it also has its
Easier, smoother valleys and vistas.
The most important thing,
My friend,
Is that we not travel it alone.
It is a journey meant to be taken
Hand in hand.
Take mine.

 

by Anne Edwards

Shopping is a lost cause

Well, it's now inevitable. I must buy khaki pants for work very soon. All the red tape that needed to be done has been finalized, so now we are good to go. This would be even greater news if I did not have to buy khaki pants. My boss has decided we are wearing khaki pants and beige color shirts with our logo to look "professional." I agree, it does look more professional than jeans. Normally, khaki is a universal color that goes with anything except that our beige shirts resemble closer to the khaki color, so there is hardly any contrast.

This post isn't really about the khaki pants. It's more about the fact that I have to go shopping now, and like many of us who have been through this peril, I am dreading it. It would be one thing to find one pair of khaki pants, but I have to find multiple ones to wear every day of the week. I guess the plus is that I won't be having to do as much laundry. :grin:

This shopping trip is compounded by the fact that I'm just having some major body image blues. Now, I know that in recovery, body change is inevitable. For a lot of us, it is is one of the hardest issues to deal with. I've always felt a bit out of place with this, because I never really had to go through a huge weight restoration process like many people I know. Instead, my weight has fluctuated a bit--enough to be noticeable but not drastic. Therefore, any body change I've had has been very subtle. And this is the issue lately.

I remember a video awhile back that Jenni Schaeffer did titled "My thighs touch" In it, she said how she actually liked that her thighs touched.--that it represented being healthy, recovered, and free of her ED. At the time, I thought this was great. But then, that happened to me, and I no longer had that gusto feeling of "recovery" and being happy with my body. Instead, I've felt terribly uncomfortable about it and just the thought of shopping gives me shivers.

I know I'm probably making a bigger deal out of this than it is. And although I've never cried during a shopping visit, I'm afraid this may be my first. I should also note that I always have a difficult time finding clothes anyway. With pants, if the waist fits, the legs are too tight, and the pants are too long. If the waist doesn't fit, the legs fit comfortably, but the pants are too long. Invariably, when I go shopping, I wind up trying on many clothes. Also, with khakis, I am horribly picky. Besides the fit, it must look "right" with pockets in the back, no side pockets unless laid correctly, flattering on the stomach/hip area, no pouchiness anywhere. If you think this is bad, just imagine jeans shopping with me. Who on earth would even want to clothes shop with me with all these stipulations on clothing? By the end of these fiascoes, I normally walk away with nothing and feel unsatisfied that nothing looked right. Or better yet that my body hated me enough to not fit into anything properly.

I know I have several weeks until I will need the khaki pants. On one hand, I don't want to procrastinate the shopping trip,but on the other hand, I'm suddenly afraid my thighs will suddenly turn into a massive thunder thigh look if I wait too long. :sigh: I feel like I don't win either way.

Oh wait minute, aren't I supposed to be working on that self acceptance concept? Oh right, that thing.

"Blips" continued

First off, apologies for being absent the last week. My mom left on Monday, my dad on Thursday. Then, the rest of the week was playing catch up. This week, a lot was accomplished. With the beautiful weather, we all took advantage of it and worked hard on my yard. A few posts ago, I mentioned my big crater where the above ground pool was. Originally, I was going to make a very large sand box for the dogs, but I nixed that idea after my dad reminded me it could attract stray cats to eliminate there, and they could bring fleas. Instead, I decided to grow grass there.

I bought some starter trees--a kousa dogwood (hopefully mine will look like this one day), an assorted color crab apple tree, an eastern white pine tree for Baxter, because it has these soft pines which he loved, and soon, I'll get a pink magnolia tree. Can you tell I like color and fragrance?

I also bought some flowers for the front yard--azaleas, some blue, pink, purple, yellow, and white ones (can't remember the names off hand). Before I do any of this planting, I have to get some very large dead trees out of my backyard. That's incredibly expensive! Then, I have been trying to dig up overgrown pampas grass. That's like digging up a freaking tree! So far, I've gotten 2 large ones out with 1 left to go which made the screws come out of my shovel. A pick would be better bet for the deep roots and to save my back and hands. I have a nice long scratch from the stiff as board pampas grass.

So basically, this week, my life and money has been spent at Lowe's and Home Depot. Yeah to tax refunds!

**********

Going back to my last post, thanks for the feedback. Everyone made good points, and it is obvious that we don't view our EDs as blips in life. I do agree that it is likely easier for family to view it this way. Minimizing the situation becomes a protective measure for them. How can you acknowledge the problem if it doesn't currently exist?

Cammy asked a good question in how much I reveal to my parents about the ED. The answer is not much. Once I got through my major crisis (high school/early college years), the issue was dropped and placed only in a past tense. A good example of this was at dinner this past week with my father. He had watched a segment on the Dr. Phil show of a 12-year old girl with anorexia. Her parents didn't know what to do and came to Dr. Phil for help. My father asked me, "how did you get over it, recover?" There was a part of me that knew this would have been the best time to say how I still struggled at times, how recovery was a long process. But I didn't. Instead, I put on my "Tiptoe Academic" hat, telling him about all the genetic studies being done, how Maudsley has helped with these type of adolescent cases, how there were many factors to eating disorders, why the BMI is inaccurate, etc. He nodded with me and seemed to try to understand, though he still holds many of the "myth" beliefs with eating disorders. I give him a lot of credit for this as this was never something he seemed to do when I was really ill. Instead, he just got angry, blamed and made me feel guilty (this projection was disguised as guilt for himself though it appeared to me as it was my fault). This resulted in me giving him the silent treatment for a bit which just didn't bode well for all involved. We've since gotten past this point and have a better relationship than before; however, I don't reveal much about ED thoughts, my own weight, my body image hang-ups, etc.

In a way, I feel like I have no right to complain that he has viewed my ED as a "blip." There's a feeling of "what did I expect?" My walls have always been high on those issues and even in the recovery process, they still are with my parents.

There's also a big expectation factor too, especially as my life has taken off in a more positive way. The ED stuff would feel like some sort of failure, a damper of sorts. As I've told other people who think about telling those they know about their EDs, you always have to ask yourself what you hope to gain from it. I think with my parents, I knew I'd never really get what I wanted/needed. Though intentionally, I never meant to cut them out of my ED life, it just seemed easier that way. Most times, I truly do not mind this all that much, but there are times it make me sad and reminds me how much better of an actress I was than I ever would have thought. But on the other hand too, keeping a distance from it has also allowed me to educate my parents and other people. It gives me a sense of hope that people can change, albeit slowly, but it can happen.

"Blips"

My parents are visiting this weekend. So far, it has gone well. It's the first time in a long time I have not felt an overwhelming anxiety upon their visit. Perhaps, it is because it is a "working" visit with getting stuff done around the house? In any case, it is nice to not feel so anxious about it. I think a lot of this also has to do with the fact that my parents no longer hate where I am living, my job, my boss, etc.

But still as thoughts like this change, there are other things that do not.

At at Thai restaurant we went to last night, we were talking about people who had cancer (my mom had breast cancer back in my teens, my father has had colon cancer and melanoma twice). My father made the comment,

"I made a deal with God that as long as my family stayed healthy and okay, he could do whatever he wanted to me. And so far, this has been the case. Tiptoe here is healthy, except for that small health scare."

And it is that last part that always gets to me. That time period he is referring to are my ED-filled years where it was so blatant, out there. It was noticeable then. It affected everyone then. It made my parents fearful that they might lose me if I continued to go down the path I was.

So luckily, this didn't happen, right? True, yes. But at the same time, my parents, well at least my father, view this simply as a "blip" in my life. A blip to me seems like something that is short, brief, hardly noticeable, NOT something that lasts 12 years.

There is a small part of me that holds some resentment, like how could they view this part of my life that way? I guess it is easier for the participant versus the observer to feel this way. Although there isn't a flat out denial that the ED existed, viewing it as a blip doesn't seem right or fair to me. How can someone feel this way when something like this consumed your life for so long?

But maybe in a way, a blip is better? Maybe, it's a way to be able to move on for some. For me, even if it is a"blip," it is not something I can ever forget. Perhaps, it's too soon to feel something like this or maybe later in recovery, my feelings will change?

For those in recovery, how do you view your ED? Does it feel like a distant part of your life? Does it feel like a "blip?"

Stress Awareness Month

It seems there is an awareness month for just about every single thing. March was apparently Caffeine Awareness month, Nutrition, Frozen Food, Peanut, Gender Equality, On-Hold (whatever that means), and Social Work month just to name a few. May hold its fair share with Barbecue, Salad, Salsa, Egg, Mental Health, Meditation, and Physical Fitness and Sports month.

Every month has a wide array of causes. Some are more prominent while others are a bit obscure but all want to bring awareness to an issue or celebrate for a cause. One for April is Stress Awareness Month with April 16 being Stress Awareness Day in conjunction with the stress of taxes. Here is a list of other awareness months.

I bring up stress, because it's something we all deal with. There is no real "immunity" for stress other than to take care of ourselves. I noticed the last few days at work, I was becoming very stressed with determining a schedule, getting PowerPoints done, the opening of the building, my boss not thinking I was doing everything "right," etc.I was becoming increasingly agitated, defensive, and upset by all this. I had brief thoughts of just wanting to shut down, deprive myself, exercise compulsively, all those lovely de-coping ED skills. This was a reminder and a hint I really needed to take care of myself, do things that were going to allow me to feel satisfied, to take a breath before things got out of hand. In the end, stress + prolonged time = exacerbated ED/lapse/relapse.

I think this is just another step in recovery. It's not always easy to recognize how stress is affecting us until we get to the point of no oblivion, but if we can see it before it is too late, we can take actions to thwart ourselves into a self-destructive state.

How do you combat stress? When do you know it has become a problematic?

On a side note, the word stress originally comes from the Latin word stringere meaning "to draw tight." The term stress was first coined in the 1930s by endocrinologist Hans Selye who also came up with "eustress" or good stress as opposed to distress. Selye came up with a biopsychsocial concept of stress and adaption which took awhile for academic psychologists to take seriously and research further. By the 1990s, "stress" became more understood as a physiological and psychological functioning.

Note--*Stress by numbers here and here.
Argentinian study on stress and eating disorders (full text available in Spanish)
A few other studies of stress and eating disorders here and here

Breaking through walls

Facebook has an application called "status shuffle." It's basically a random collection of quotes and one liners. Most tend to be on the funny side , but this one was poignant and caught my eye.

"Sometimes people build walls not to block others out of their life but to see who cares enough to break through the wall."

At times, this was certainly my case. I used to have many walls that surrounded me. Various therapists would say they imagined me with this invisible wall that needed to be broken through or torn down. But they weren't exactly sure how or what I truly needed to do so. I never had an answer for them other than I was just too scared to break down my wall. That wall was a barrier, but it also kept me highly safe.

There were moments when I wanted desperately to let go of my shield and be totally vulnerable. Yes, I did eventually have those moments which always seemed to be stress/anxiety/sleep-deprived induced. My problem was afterwards, I felt so weird and worried about what I'd done/said that I immediately rebuilt my wall. Thus, treatment took a long time to truly get anywhere. My former therapist C used to say "it's like I'm reaching my hand out to you, and you're within grasp, but can't take my hand."

I'm sure most of us with EDs have at one point had walls that surrounded us. Walls keep things out defensively but they also don't allow things in. I think many of us have that juxtaposition of blocking people out, but at the same time, wanting and hoping someone can break through as well. And what does breaking through our wall really mean to us? Does it mean that we are vulnerable? Does it mean that someone cares enough to notice?

I don't have the answers to these questions, and they are different for everyone. But I do think in general, when we allow ourselves to start tearing down our walls, glimmers of the healing process have been initiated. Then, it becomes up to us what happens next.