Monday, January 26, 2009

So what awaits me at my next therapy appointment?

I have a therapy appointment this afternoon and feel a bit of hesitancy, an awkwardness of sorts. In my "Invasion of..." post, I mentioned that my mother would be tagging along at my therapy appointment. Beforehand, my mom and I decided she would meet with C. for the first ten minutes, and the remainder time was my session.

It's weird sitting there, because you of course know they are talking about you. Even through the muffled thing C. keeps by her door, you can still hear the voices slightly. I kept trying to tell if I heard sniffles, a tell-tale bad sign that things have gone awry. I heard none, so I took that as a optimistic sign.

The session itself was okay but surely I've had better. It's hard to cram a month's worth of stuff in 40 minutes time. C. first started by saying that what my mother had said gave her better perspective about my situation. This threw me for a loop. Though what my mom said was the truth, I had not expected it. It's the kind of truth that you really only reveal when it is evidently needed, otherwise, you just leave it be. Now, I wonder if C. thinks I just happened to have overlooked this, but really I haven't. So you ask why would I have not mentioned these details of my life? The simple answer is SHAME. :sigh: I still struggle with this issue in a variety of areas of my life--aspects that shouldn't even matter as they do not represent who I am as a person. Still, it leaves me overly pondering what someone else is thinking about me.

The rest of the session was mostly about my career and job more than anything else. I relayed to her the situation when my boss was gone and how I felt which was the motivation for the feelings in a bottle post. By the end of the session, C. was apologizing to me, feeling like she was conveying the message I needed to leave my job. I told her she was not but only saying what is the sad reality which I have trouble coming to terms with.

So I have this next appointment not knowing what to expect or feel. I'm already worried anyway since I learned that C. will no longer be taking my insurance, and I'm only approved for four other sessions. Deep down, I keep wondering if it is my fault as I know she had a lot of trouble with them and getting all my paperwork correctly filed. I know my mother would help pay for my appointments, but then there is just so much guilt tied in that, it makes me cringe and cry at the same time.

9 comments:

Cammy said...

Don't be afraid to go into the session not knowing what you will feel, because feelings aren't something we can strategize or plan for. And please don't feel guilty about the cost of therapy, the culprit is our crappy medical system, there is no excuse for it being so damn difficult to pay for treating a disease.

Remember that C. is a professional, and whatever she thinks about you after talking to your mother is not going to be harsh or judgmental. Take care and try not to be nervous, let us know how things go for you at the session.
hugs,
C

Gaining Back My Life said...

Tiptoe, this was a huge, courageous step. I have yet to schedule my joint appt with my Mom. But we'll be covering a lifetime of stuff, so it may take longer than just one hour!

From how I took the post, it seems as though you are learning to see some things differently...for ex, you went ahead with the appt. with your Mom, knowing full and well they WOULD be discussing you first privately. No matter what goes wrong, I always feel like it's my fault. And it sould you like you feel similar; that's a hurdle we need to jump to fully recover!

Also, blaming yourself getting the paperwork filed; you can't shoulder that burden. It's NOT your fault.

And if you do have a find a new therapist, well, as I've learned, it's not the end of the world. I was terrified when my t of 10 years left. But I've accomplished more in the past 3 months with my new one than I did in all those years!

I'm sorry you're struggling with this right now. You are in my thoughts.

Hugs,
e

kb said...

Tiptoe,

First of all, I still commend you for wanting your mom to have a part in therapy, even if it's not an "active" role, you wanted her to know where you were.
Like Cammy said, it's so hard to know (I think) exactly what you want to happen from or to say in therapy.
Finally, I want to say that I understand quite well that sense of shame and how it makes one shut down, not open up. I wish/hope that you can be kind to yourself and not judge yourself so harshly.
I hope you have a good session.
-Kristina

Kara said...

I just found out that my therapist wants to schedule an appointment to meet with my mom and me too. Eeeek! I set up the appointment for next week, but I still might chicken out and call the whole thing off.

So are you going to stop seeing C after 4 sessions? Are you going to find a new therapist? If you want to stick with C I would encourage you to ask your mom for some financial help if that is possible. I know you feel guilty, but I know that my mom would want to help if I asked her.

Kim said...

I know what you mean by having that awkward feeling before a session... What works for me is to just walk in and say, "I feel really weird about being here." Of course, sometimes that is followed by the "please elaborate" silence, but sometimes it opens up a wonderful conversation. Also, shame/guilt is a bitch. It's sad how much we internalize things and beat up on ourselves and blame ourselves for things that are not even remotely our fault, or even within our control (like your paperwork). It sounds like the harsh voices are active today. They'll quiet down... I hope you have a good session. Keep us updated!

Lola Snow said...

I sympathise with the therapist situation, it's a really tough call. I was in a similar boat at the end of last year, and nearly accepted my Dad's offer of money, but was lucky enough not to need it in the end. I was always worried that it might make me feel under pressure to "succeed" in therapy if the money was coming from family, but i know they would have been relieved to be doing something.

I think taking your Mum to see C was so brave tiptoe. Really, sometimes I am so proud of the ED community on the internet, you are a star.

Lola x

MelissaS said...

i was never brave enough to bring my mother to a session. good for you! i wonder if you've discussed the experience with her?

we do all carry shame. i've had so many "secrets" along the way. some i've shared and found that they're not so ugly. some i've shared, and then changed a behavior (drinking, sedatives, etc.) the latter sharing was NOT easy, but i am a 100% healthier woman. and carry far less shame. You are not alone!

it drives me crazy when we're finally ready to take the steps we need, basically, to survive and the insurance company gets in the way. it's hard to believe. do what's best for YOU, when you decide what that is. I hope C. can help you in the process. take care.

Harriet said...

You are very brave to bring your mom to your session. My mother has no idea I'm in therapy. And it's totally not your fault about the insurance, that's the fault of our crappy medical system. Your therapist sounds really good and I hope that you can find a way to make it work out. Anytime you can open up and talk about something shameful it's difficult. I've heard that shame is the hardest emotion to deal with. So if you've found someone who understands and handles it well it would be sad to have to leave her. I hope it works out.

Tiptoe said...

Everyone, thank you so much for all your support. It means a lot to me. I'll be writing an update post to the session and will hopefully answer your questions there and address what's been said.