I have a therapy appointment this afternoon and feel a bit of hesitancy, an awkwardness of sorts. In my "Invasion of..." post, I mentioned that my mother would be tagging along at my therapy appointment. Beforehand, my mom and I decided she would meet with C. for the first ten minutes, and the remainder time was my session.
It's weird sitting there, because you of course know they are talking about you. Even through the muffled thing C. keeps by her door, you can still hear the voices slightly. I kept trying to tell if I heard sniffles, a tell-tale bad sign that things have gone awry. I heard none, so I took that as a optimistic sign.
The session itself was okay but surely I've had better. It's hard to cram a month's worth of stuff in 40 minutes time. C. first started by saying that what my mother had said gave her better perspective about my situation. This threw me for a loop. Though what my mom said was the truth, I had not expected it. It's the kind of truth that you really only reveal when it is evidently needed, otherwise, you just leave it be. Now, I wonder if C. thinks I just happened to have overlooked this, but really I haven't. So you ask why would I have not mentioned these details of my life? The simple answer is SHAME. :sigh: I still struggle with this issue in a variety of areas of my life--aspects that shouldn't even matter as they do not represent who I am as a person. Still, it leaves me overly pondering what someone else is thinking about me.
The rest of the session was mostly about my career and job more than anything else. I relayed to her the situation when my boss was gone and how I felt which was the motivation for the feelings in a bottle post. By the end of the session, C. was apologizing to me, feeling like she was conveying the message I needed to leave my job. I told her she was not but only saying what is the sad reality which I have trouble coming to terms with.
So I have this next appointment not knowing what to expect or feel. I'm already worried anyway since I learned that C. will no longer be taking my insurance, and I'm only approved for four other sessions. Deep down, I keep wondering if it is my fault as I know she had a lot of trouble with them and getting all my paperwork correctly filed. I know my mother would help pay for my appointments, but then there is just so much guilt tied in that, it makes me cringe and cry at the same time.