Does smooth sailing exist?

I thought I'd give a quick update while I had a moment to myself. The weekend has been "interesting." My dad arrived on Thursday night, my mom the next day. The highlight has of course been Tovah. They have fallen head over heels in love with their new "grand-fur-child."

For the most part, Thursday and Friday were smooth sailing despite the extremely bitter cold temperatures which much of the nation faced. I used to think teen degree weather was cold, but damn, the single digit, below zero cold air really gives a new meaning to frigidly, ice cold weather. I don't know how those people in Alaska, Wisconsin (I heard Eau Clair is currently -22 degrees), Colorado, South Dakota, etc. handle all this type of weather.

Then, on Saturday morning before work, things began to not work correctly. Err plumbing that is. The likely culprit was due to the very cold weather. This wasn't too big of a deal, so I called my plumber in the morning. We all went our usual business. In the late afternoon while at work, I got a pitiful call from my mother, saying she tried to do a second load of laundry, and everything was backing up into the tubs. Great. I called my plumber again who I had not heard from (unusual for him) as well as left a message for my landlord.

By late evening, my landlord called back, saying he would come up early this morning and see if he could find the problem. I left to head to the kennel this morning, thinking my landlord would be there early as he said. Apparently, our definitions of early are different. He didn't arrive until 11 AM. Meanwhile, my plumber had already finally called back and was on the way to my place. They both thought frozen pipes, so a salamander heater (whatever that is) was placed by the pipes to warm them up and the furnace turned up. Now, it's just a waiting game and to clean up the tubs and all. This is so reminiscent of this past summer when something similar happened. That was a saga in and of itself. I doubt you really want to read about that, but those posts are archived in April.

A few other things. My lovely menstrual cycle decided to appear early, so I'm feeling fat and bloated as well as dealing with eating out most nights. Oh, and did I mention that apparently, I must keep myself awake in case of passing out from the salamander heater and its effect of carbon monoxide poisoning! My landlord apparently told my parents that if we smell something or start getting drowsy to step outside. What he got wrong is that well, you can't smell carbon monoxide! Right now, I have a door cracked, so we shall see what happens.

I've also heard some off the wall comments from my dad. I'll have to post that another time.

On a positive note, my new satellite dish got set up yesterday, so now I have access to local channels and don't have to buy a converter box. I'm also well stocked on A LOT of food since both my parents decided to buy me groceries.

More later, that's it for now.

College GPAs and health-related behaviors

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that college is often a difficult time for many students. With learning to juggle classes, exams, and friendships, it can all take a toll on one's health. In this new study from the University of Minnesota Boynton Health Service, it looked at college gpas and health-related behaviors of 24,000 students in both 2 and 4 year institutions.

The results showed that almost 70% of students were stressed, and about 33% felt that the stress was hurting their academic performance. These students had a mean gpa of 3.12 compared to 3.23 gpa for those who did not feel the stress impacted them.

Other factors that caused declines in gpa were lack of sleep, excessive television/computer use, and smoking. Gpas ranged from 3.04 to 3.12 compared to 3.27 to 3.28 for those who received adequate sleep, limited their television/computer use, and did not smoke. Other issues such a mental health, drug use, alcohol use, physical activity, and several others were also surveyed.

Although this seems logical that with unhealthy behaviors gpas drop, it's good that college are taking notice at the health of their students. Hopefully, this will help students change their behaviors and college officials to provide additional resources where neded.

Now, of course, there are those college students who defy all these odds and wind up having extraordinary gpas despite having unhealthy behaviors. Yes, I raise my hand to that one, though I wouldn't say my gpa was extraordinary. These students also need help as success isn't always about a gpa number.

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It's a bit ironic I read this article, because I recently made the connection about one of the reasons why I have a hard time going back into academia. Actually, the academic environment is essentially like a big trigger for me. It was one of the times the ED was the most heightened and out of control. I was super stressed and felt like I was just grasping for straws half the time. This environment puts me in what I call "tunnel-vision" mode as it's all about succeeding and reaching the next goal no matter the cost. There are other insecurities as well in relation to intellect and self confidence, but it's really about the strong association of academics + eating disorder that freaks me out.

If I decided to go back this route, how do I tell myself it will be different this time or that academia is not this or that?

Meltdown

I don't know how many of you are familiar with canine body language, but it's really quite essential for dogs and humans. Most times, people do not read canine body language well, and wind up miscommunicating with the animal. This can result in snapping , biting, dog fighting, and a number of other possibilities. The topic itself is way too much information to explain here, but there are many good dog books out there with photo illustrations. If anyone is interested, feel free to e-mail me for some titles.

But the one I want to mention here is FEAR, because that's how I'm feeling.

The picture of this puppy here is a good example of fear. If you look closely, you can see what we call the "whale eye" of a dog, similar to the white part of the eye of a whale. Dogs present this when they are fearful. They look through the sides of their eyes rather than turning their whole head which is the more normal response for dogs.

Yesterday's therapy session wound up being mostly about fear. This conference cemented the fact that I'm so fearful of the future, what to do, what not to do, etc. Much of this is my own doing I admit. It would be way too hard to explain here, but those of you who know me better, will probably understand. C. asked me about the fear, and I had the absolute hardest time talking about it. I sat there trying desperately to hold back my tears, quivering in the process of even trying to articulate anything. It was like a meltdown, one I have not had in a very long time. Even C. said she could see the massive amount of fear I had in my eyes which is surprising since I had such a difficult time even looking at her. I tend to get that way when I'm talking about really hard things.

I left with her asking me whether I wanted to come back which I found odd? I told her I did, and we set up the appt. for next week. She asked me to drive a different route again, but I just couldn't. I was very tired and wrecked emotionally. I could barely keep it together in the grocery store and just wanted to get home to cry in private honestly. I didn't cry, but wound up sleeping for several hours and then doing nothing the rest of the day but edit photos from the conference.

It's like I can make progress in other areas of my life but this one has a huge stop sign in front of me. Even when C. uses metaphors of being in a big pool and sticking your toe in before jumping all the way in, I feel like even when I do that, it still doesn't make me feel any more confident. And I don't know what will give me confidence.

Within the past several weeks, I've been digging around as to certain aspects of my fears and my job which is of course all good and well, but it's now finding a way to move beyond them. And this is where I falter. I honestly don't think it's because I'm stubborn, it really is about the FEAR. I know that may sound like there is an easy fix, but I think you can get to a point when it is much more complicated.

Right now, I'm just feeling so broken in many ways that it hurts so immensely. It's like I can see myself from the outside, and feel such sadness for myself (not in a pity way). I see many people around me capable of moving on with their lives even through many difficulties, so why do I have such a hard time with it?

:sigh: Every time I even think about this subject, all I want to do is cry, and I am seriously not a crier. Yesterday was a really hard day and today doesn't feel any better.

Sorry for the sad post. I'm just majorly down.

After thoughts

So now that I've written in detail about the marathon and trip, what I haven't written about are my FEELINGS and reactions to everything. Finishing the marathon is by no doubt an accomplishment. And I am proud of myself for that. However, there is still some nagging voice saying I could have done better, that is really wasn't enough, that I should have pushed more through the fatigue. Whether someone wants to call it an ED voice or my perfectionistic voice, what I know is that I still struggle with this a lot.

After the race, my parents all told me how proud they were of me. My mom and dad were afraid that I was going to either not finish or come across the finish hobbling or something. Instead, I came sprinting due to feeling competitive with another girl. I keep thinking how stupid that sounds. I talked to this girl at the beginning of the race, and she seemed nice. There wasn't a reason for me to feel competitive with her. Other people had passed me, and I didn't seem to care, so why did it bother me when she had caught up to me?

I have to admit throughout the entire trip in St. Louis, I somehow felt like a fraud. Although I did not make an issue of food, other than I was not going to eat pizza, making the excuse I don't eat cheese (it's true I don't but I can actually handle mozzarella cheese), food was still hard for me. There were instances when I did not want to eat but felt incredibly guilty having people pay for an expensive meal or going out of their way to make me something I liked. Therefore, I ate my meals, looked the part of being and feeling okay, but I know I truly wasn't. Everyone just kept telling me what a healthy eater I was. A. who had just met me kept remarking about that and how shiny my hair was, etc. Heck, I even caught myself saying that as well. Sometimes I wonder if I say it long enough, it will be true. Kind of like the saying, "the ritual makes it happen."

Body wise, I'm not feeling too hot about it. Prior to the race, I knew what my weight was from my Dr.'s appt. I knew running the race would drop it slightly, and I was kind of surprised when I went on a 25 cent scale that my weight was lower than what I expected. Since I didn't think it was that accurate, I checked the scale at the fitness room at the hotel, and it read the same. I should have felt elated, but I don't know, I still felt fat.

Then there was the issue of my future which is always a question mark. Surprisingly, my father did not make a huge deal of my current job, where I live, etc. Usually, he makes it a big point at how much he hates it all. I think the marathon distracted him from a lot of this. However, he did mention quite often how I should go to medical school. Even A. said this--how I looked like a "smart" person and that kind of type. She told me that her father whom I met, was a Dr. and on the board for medical school admissions if I ever applied to Washington University.

A. also said to me how she thought my step-sister, M., and I should come to St. Louis in the summer. A. had said something like M. had not seen me for awhile and missed me. I was surprised by this since M. and I are not that close. M. is six years younger than me, and we've just never really had a close relationship due to both distance and age. Apart from that, we're really different. Maybe I harbor some jealousy towards her now that she is doing well in college. Before, she had basically majored in "boyfriend" and let her grades go. The academia/ studious type was always my role, but I fell off the bandwagon. Therefore, she's taken that place. Even when I talk to my mom about it, and she says I'm doing my own thing, not currently applying for grad school, there is just a weird sense I pick up. Maybe it's me more projecting that feeling. If I talk to my dad about this, he'll just say how M. is applying for grad school, and ask why I'm not or that I should too, etc. Unfortunately, he knows me well enough to play that competitive card with me. And M's dad, my mom's husband, doesn't really say much other than M. is doing well in college and plans to graduate next fall.

So those were my major feelings on the trip. Being back, there is always a time of readjustment for me. I find being around people for several days, though rewarding, also takes a lot out of me too. I'm also battling s little bit of a cold and sore throat, though that seems to be better. I'm guessing that's mostly race related, however.

Now the thoughts I have running through my head are: what marathon am I going to do next, am I going to take any online classes in the fall, am I going to possibly meet with an academic counselor, am I going to go back into therapy with more commitment or with a different therapist? What is it that I really want?

Stay tuned, hopefully, I'll figure out some of these answers.

So you can't flush tampons?

Seriously. I never knew this. I feel like the stupidest person on earth but no one ever told me this at all. I don't think I'm a dumb person, but it truly never occurred to me that these "white mice" as plumbers notoriously call them can't be flushed. Ahhh yes, my plumbing situation is now fixed. I ended up calling someone I knew, and he luckily was able to come over Tuesday morning. After some investigation and drilling into the pipe and "snaking" the drain, he was able to declog it. Yes, part of the clog was a tampon, though not all of it of course. Still though, I felt embarrassed and very stupid. The plumber was sweet and said he'd seen it happen many times before and just gave me a rule of them that if you ever put anything into a toilet and it doesn't easily dissolve, don't put it in there.

While he was here, I also had him declog my drains. We also were able to fix my electric problem in the back rooms. All it needed was to be reset. Oh yes, and I also learned that hydraulic cement works very well. According to this plumber, it can even stop a basement that is overflowing with water.

The whole thing about this situation was that both of these problems that I'd mentioned to my landlord were uncomplicated and easily solvable. My landlord's friend/plumber who came out on Monday simply thought that his one adjustment to the pipe would do the trick. When it didn't, he just gave up and said he didn't know what else to do. He never further looked at the problem. Then there is my landlord who was either lazy or didn't take me seriously. I did my part in notifying him of the problems and relied on him to get them fixed. That was obviously not successful, especially since he hardly returned my phone calls. In my last phone call to him, I told him I had someone else come out and fix the problems, that everything is now working, and that I'd be deducting what I paid the plumber from my rent. I haven't heard from him, so I guess that's a good sign.

I'm just really glad everything is in working order. Now, when I have guests coming next week, I can breathe a sigh of relief.

It's a temporary problem

Okay, so, I'm trying to remind myself of the mantra that my plumbing problem is "just temporary." I think it's just the stress of everything that is making me feel like I want to break and sit and cry right now. I hate when it's just one problem right after another. Not only that, but I hate the fact that my plan for the week has now changed. I do not deal with spontaneous changes well. I know they happen, I live through them and all that, but it's just that it seems so unorderly, messy-like.

The two positives today are that my car is now fixed and the plumber did come by today. My car no is no longer making a crunch sound when I turn or has the ABS light on my dashboard. It's kind of funny, because I keep thinking it's going to make that awful crunch sound which I guess I had already habituated to, but then it's not there.

The plumber who is a friend of my landlord adjusted something, thinking that was going to fix the problem. Well, it didn't. I was not happy as everything backed right back into my tub which I had literally just cleaned and bleached. Now I have to wait another several hours for it to all dry, the water to go down and re-clean it. Not to mention that I have to rewash the towels I'd just washed again, but I can't use my washer. The plumber now realizes that the situation is worse than he thought and notified my landlord. I'm hoping maybe he'll have more clout with him since they are buddies.. I'd take the situation into my own hands, but my mother keeps telling me that it's may landlord's job. Right, I know. :sigh: This is when I think the forces of nature are really trying to tell me something. It's that, pure coincidence, or pissed off whatever high power there may be. Hopefully, I won't have any more posts like this, I'm just soooo frustrated and stressed, so please bear with me for now.

Plumbling problems part II

I'll just warn you now that this is more of a vent than anything else. I wrote about whenever I ran the laundry, it would back into my tub. I told my landlord about it, and he said he would look at it. I honestly do not think he did jack, because nothing is fixed. And now my problems are worse. The toilet keeps backing up. It overflowed on me three times on Friday. Luckily, that was just water.

On Saturday, I was so incredibly paranoid about it that I didn't use the bathroom for over 12 hours. Yes, not very healthy I know. Then this morning, I made a huge mistake. I HAD to go and my worst fear happened. The toilet did not overflow but almost. Then everything was just backing into both tubs. It was completely gross and awful. I bleached, sprayed, etc. the tubs and anything I used to clean up that mess and just pray that it slowly drains. I now have a thorough appreciation or what plumbers have to go through.

I called my landlord again this morning, and he said he would call the plumber. I called the plumber as well to no avail and left a message. This whole situation is so ridiculous. I know the septic tank problem and electrical problems hit my landlord hard financially, but isn't this his job when you have a tenant? In the six years, I've been here, I've hardly called him for any problems. I'm just so f*cking frustrated. I told my landlord that this really needed to be fixed, because I had company coming in a week in a half and the marathon is less than two weeks away. I'm completely mortified of the whole situation anyway, moire or less anyone who was a guest here having to deal with this problem.

I have not told my father about this situation, knowing he would have a bitchfitch about it and then tell me that I really needed to move from here (though sometimes I think this is some sort of sign). However, I'm tempted, only because people have a tendency to listen to him. Unfortunately, sometimes I think that it is mostly out of fear more than anything else. But at the same time, I want to be able to fight my own battles too.

:sigh: I'm just so completely stressed out over this. It makes me want to not eat for just the mere fact of not having to use facilities. Very stupid reason I know.

Well, I'm off to take my car to the shop. I'm hoping it's an easy fix, so I can have my car back quickly. I have a gazillion errands to do this week.

Still awake

Actually, I'm quite exhausted and know I need to go to bed but wanted to put a few thoughts down for the day. Today was full of positives and negatives.

First the negatives: I spoke to my landlord about the whole septic tank problem. I wasn't sure whether he and the plumber guy were coming back, because they just left everything in my yard. Apparently, my landlord came on Sunday and did some work, but it isn't a simple fix and will take time. He was not happy with the cost of this.

I also let him know about a circuit going out yesterday. For some reason, my light to the back bedrooms/bathroom, porch light are now not coming on, my bathroom outlet suddenly stopped working, and my freezers went out. Luckily, I could just use the extension cord I just bought and change the big freezer to a different outlet. Then, I was doing laundry, and I heard this bubbling sound. I have no clue about this, but the water was going into my bathtub. I haven't told my landlord about this yet. I'm sure he will be so happy to hear this. (Sarcasm)

Positives for the day:

I went on a long run. It went really well overall, however, my hamstring and knees are very sore. I really needed this long run. My confidence was down the past few weeks, so this was a nice boost.

I got my taxes done and e-filed. This was a big stressor for me. I'm not a procrastinator, but it's the fact that I don't get simple W-2 like normal employed people. It's confusing, but I finally got an answer from my boss as to why I don't get the normal W-2. The good thing is that she paid whatever I owed in taxes.

I had to really contemplate dinner tonight. I was tired and really wanted to just skip it. However, I knew if I did that, it would just set me up for failure in the eating department. For me, if I don't eat something for dinner, it can easily spiral downhill. It's like I go into autopilot and then begin restricting. So eating anyway was a good thing.

This last one could be a positive or negative depending on how you look at it. I finished my training logs for the past 4 months. I wanted to be able to have a quick glance at mileage and stats. However, at the same time, I can get obsessed with the numbers too.

Tomorrow , I'm hoping to sleep in if my dogs will let me and just get a few things done around here. I know I will have to mow again this week before the forecast of rain at the end of the week. That's one thing, my grass grows really fast! It's nice, pretty, and green, but the mowing is often high volume. I guess the good thing about is that I really like the smell of mowed lawns.

Quick update

I e-mailed a friend yesterday asking if she would be around for me to call in the next day or so. I was telling her how the last few weeks has been hell, though I did not go into the reasons at the time. She sent me this cute pic which I think describes me well right now. But boy, I wish I was this sea turtle and could just swim away and not have to worry about everything going on.

So far my sewage problem is better, though not completely fixed yet. I wasn't able to talk to the people working on it since I got home after they left. My toilet, however, backed up yesterday afternoon. Luckily, it was just water, and I have two bathrooms here. I'm hoping it's just that the system needs to recover rather than another problem.

One thing the guy said was that the main pipe that connects the sewage system together basically fell. He said it wasn't anyone's fault and that it was hard to say exactly why. That did make me feel a little better, but still, purging could not have helped it.

Yesterday, I attempted my long run, but it just wasn't happening. I don't know whether it was because the temperatures were warmer than I'd been training in, me being tired from the day before of aqua running, or that my feet were hurting. I'm trying hard not to beat myself up over it, knowing I still have some time to try again. I'm tempted to try not to plan for another long run and just carry all my gear with me and go. Sometimes the lessening of that expectation is better when you're just going out for a run.

I also talked briefly with my physiatrist's assistant who relayed the message of what my physiatrist said. Her opinion is that I'm never going to heal without sufficient rest. I said after the marathon was over, I'd take some time off to rest. We a greed on setting up a follow up appointment the week before the marathon just to see how I was doing.

The rest of yesterday was errands. I went grocery shopping and decided I need to make better attempts at changing my eating. I'll write a post devoted to that later.

Weekend horrors

First, the good news. The electrician came by this weekend to work on blown breaker. I now officially call him the "Wasabi electrician." Last year when he came by to do some other work, we got into a conversation about Asian food. He was telling me how much he loved wasabi paste and wanted to know if I knew where he could get it. When he came this weekend, I remembered about his wasabi fetish and asked him if he found it. Apparently, he found wasabi peas but not what he wanted. Oh well, he'll keep looking, and I'll remember I tried.

In the end, he wound up having to do a lot more work than he expected. I had several bad outlets and he had to place new wires. Then he discovered two things for me. One I had a nest of snakes in the back of my yard! I was less than thrilled. He showed me where they were--about three baby garter snakes all peeking out for curiosity purposes. They were kind of cute in a way, but I did not want them in my yard and having to worry about whether I would mow over them. Yes, that has unfortunately happened before.

Now, I'm not afraid of these critters, but I find they often startle me which give me a freak out moment. Last spring and summer I saw so many at the kennel where I work. Luckily, they were just mostly garter snakes but still, I am just not keen on them. Sometimes I do wonder whether they are one of my animal totems since I saw so many of them. The electrician said he would catch them for me and take them by the creek.

When I got home from work, the electrician was pulling out of my driveway. I apparently have another big problem. A sewage leak or burst. I was absolutely shocked, mortified, and panicky. I immediately called my landlord who happened to be in Florida since his best friend just died. He was going to wait until he got back on Wed. to take care of this, but I called him again wanting something to be done. My biggest fear was he wasn't going to take care of it or something since it took him so long to get this electrical problem taken care of. Luckily, he called a guy he knew who is coming out today. Whew, I am relieved, but still I was really paranoid last night.

I think my paranoia stems from not only that this is really unhealthy and gross, but just wondering if years of purging could have also done this. I mean you hear about clogged pipes at colleges and sororities due to this very thing. I've lucked out I guess that nothing like this has ever happened to me before. I've been completely purge-free for four or more months now which is great. It's not any kind of record for me, but better than it's been for a long time.

I know this could very well be a "shit happens" moment, as this happens to normal, everyday, non-Ed people. My mom and her husband had something similar happen last year. Her husband was talking about something to do with laundry detergents using formaldehyde in their formulas which was killing the sewage pipes and fields all over the country. I haven't researched this to know enough about this.

So now, I wait for the guy to show up this afternoon. I'm hoping he'll get here early afternoon versus late, so I can still take my long run today. I'm seriously hoping this is the last bad/inconvenient thing to happen to me. It sometimes makes me wonder whether karma is on my side these days?

Frustration is the key word this week

I finally broke down and bought an extension cord, so I could plug my computer into a different outlet. I called m landlord last week, and he said he had talked with the electrician. He was apparently surprised I had not heard from nor seen the electrician. He called just a few minutes ago saying he was coming by tomorrow morning. That means I'll have to crate the dogs and take Daphne with me to the kennel. Baxter and Hank will not be happy. I'm hoping this electrician gets whatever that needs done fixed. I'm just frustrated by all this and why it's taken my landlord so long to get a move on things. I mean him more than this place is worth, so I think he should do a better job.

The rest of the week has also resulted in frustration. On Wednesday, I went to get my rim for my tire. The tire place didn't have it like they said they would. I wound up going to this rickety, not so great looking used auto parts place which did not have a rim either. They ordered a new one for me which was supposed to be in today. No call from them, however.

Yesterday, it poured raining and I had to make multiple trips into town. Of all things to drive in, I really despise rain. That just stems from a bad car accident over five years ago. I still to this day will not drive on that road. Anyway, I was able to get an earlier appointment to meet with the orthopedic surgeon to go over my MRI results. After I got into the exam room, the nurse left my chart on the computer. I think this place has all electronic records now. Being curious that I was, I read over file and what the Dr.'s thoughts were, etc. from my previous appointment. Nothing too unusual in it, but I just like to know. I'm a bit weird that way. I even have most of my medical records and labs from almost ten years ago.

The good news is that my knees look normal. There aren't any tears or anything like that. The bad news is that he really can't do anything for me. His diagnosis is overuse syndrome which I'm not sure whether I agree with or not. He suggested more cross training, running on softer surfaces, and taking medications as needed including 1200 mg ibuprofen the day before the race with the precaution that I'm well hydrated. I wanted to roll my eyes on that one honestly, but I didn't. It just reminds me how little he really does know about me.

The one good thing about this appointment was that he was slightly less egotistical than the previous one and he actually did go through the MRI images with me as well. He didn't thoroughly explain everything but gave a basic concept which was at least something. He also said that he'd seen about five other patients since me with similar problems and all training for marathons. There is one at the end of this month that many people from around here are running. I guess the pain and other ailments can't be all in their heads or mine as well, right?

After my 20 minutes were up, I left with him saying that if I ever needed anything else from him to come back. I'm chuckling as I write this next sentence, but the image that keeps popping up in my head is this story he told me of his daughter-in-law, his son, and him running the Chicago Marathon where he carried a syringe of something (never told me what it was, I'm guess maybe hydrocortisone?) in his pocket and ended up injecting his daughter-in-law's knee so she could run the race. Apparently, she had a lot of knee pain. Okay, maybe I'm not really chuckling but more like that it just seems really disturbing?

Now, I'm just feeling frustrated and unsure of what to do. It's exactly a month today until the marathon, and I do not feel prepared at all. I don't know whether to continue with physical therapy or what. I'll continue my training and just hope the pain doesn't get severe enough to debilitate me or something.

After all that, yesterday ended up nicely. I went out to dinner with a friend. We caught up on the latest news with each other and just regular inside politics that goes on around here. I ate well overall, including dessert. I was FULL which is not a feeling I like. However, I rode it out and dealt with it and was okay this morning. Just another reminder for my piggy bank when I come across situations, feelings, etc. like this.

It's decision-making time

Let me do a quick run through of last week to the present time. For whatever reason, I was simply exhausted from last Tuesday through Saturday. Even my normal easy exercises felt like they took a huge amount of effort although nothing was different. The only culprit (if that's the word I'd call it) I can think of is just due to that time of the month even if it is slightly off. By Sunday, however, I had a load of energy. I took a nice run, felt really good, had a pretty good time, my hamstring had minimal pain, it was just great!

Along with this feeling good feeling, I began to think about that dreaded word FUTURE. It's probably one of the most anxiety-provoking things in my life, and it has been for the last seven years. That was after my first goal of becoming a doctor got put on hold, and I was left feeling like I just didn't have a clue where to go from there. With that came increased low self-esteem and just kind of biding time.

So I finally thought that I really need to step up to the plate. This year my main focus is to face some of my FEARS. Since I'm a planner, I'd begun to think about some possibilities and ways to make it work. I thought about taking some additional classes at a local college or online. I had success with online classes over the summer, and they allow the most flexibility for me. I looked at various websites and their schedules on Sunday, but unfortunately, it was a little too late. I missed all the deadlines for submissions by a day or two. It sucked.

Another possibility was to enroll in an online masters or phd program, however, I'm still a little uncertain of them and accreditability. Plus, I just don't see investing 2-5/6 years when I'm not even sure that is the field I want to go in. The other option is to take the GRE. But again, I kind of feel like if I don't know what field, how would that really help me in a grad program?

It was nice feeling positive and thinking I was capable of this, even if it was slightly in a hypomanic type state. However, today, along with an additional option, has led me back into the unknown zone. Recently, I came across in article in Psychology Today about this sort of thing. The title is "When to Choose to Lose." The idea is how we are overwhelmed to cope with so many ideas and options. If you look an our ancestors, their choices were limited. It was either make the choice and live or essentially perish. There wasn't an A, B, C, Z, etc. There wasn't the idea that you must make the correct choice or you have failed. Or that the right choice is going to lead you to happiness.

Some of the experts in this article say that if we limit our choices, we actually are happier--that accepting limitations and making commitments leave us fulfilled. I agree with the last part of the sentence in terms of commitment and feeling better. I have recently decided to train for my first marathon in May. This excites me, makes me feel like there is a goal, etc. I somehow think all of this positing thinking is related to this. I'll write more on that subject in another post.

Sometimes I think because of all the options available and all the different interests I have, it makes it more difficult for me to pinpoint one *thing* I want to do with my life. I know that there is no time stamp on it in terms of looking at a career as lifelong. However, I think I still live idealistically. I want whatever career I'm doing to excite me, to feel passionate about it, and to also live comfortably. But I think I'm also afraid of making the wrong decision and regretting it. According to this article, it is about "satificing," or aiming to be good enough versus the best, letting go of perfectionism and regret.

So where does this leave me? Again thinking and back to the drawing board. If this one additional option had not come up within the last 24 hours, I'd probably settle on taking some online or correspondence courses. I still may, yes, but it's just more ruminating on my part.