Re-opening wounds

For several weeks, I had known about an upcoming dinner for some local dog trainers. It happens that the annual dog training conference I've been attending since 2003, will literally be in my backyard this year. It is really exciting to have such an big event here, and I'm hopeful it will be just as good or even better than other past conferences.

I had already told the event coordinator I was going, however, I also knew there was a high chance my former boss would be there. After all, we are in the same town and belong to the same organization. It took me awhile, but I finally was brazen enough to ask the event coordinator if she had RSVP'd. I guess I did not want to have to feel anxiety or feel paranoid for nothing, but at the same time, I did not want to sound petty. Yep, you guessed it, she RSVP'd.

I was the very first person to arrive, and she was the last person to come. There were a total of 16 people there--6 of us were trainers, the rest were committee members. The dinner was mostly for the local people--to see if they would be interested in being a part of the local arrangements team, of which I will be leading. For me, it was also a chance to chat with some old friends and catch up.

Overall, the dinner went well, but there was definitely an awkwardness between her and me, as well as another dog trainer who had also worked for her after me. I know we both glanced a few times in each other's direction, but we mostly avoided eye contact at all costs. She spoke to a few people sitting around her, and I spoke to a good number of people in general. The one thing I know I had was support from good friends and members who had also helped out with the conference last year. THAT made a huge difference for me, as I was reminded how valuable and recognized I was for all my hard work last year and the years preceding.

I try to remind myself that this was probably a weird feeling for her as well, but I cannot say old wounds were not re-opened. It's been close to a year since that day (you can look back through the archives if you are interested), and a year since we've had any contact at all--no phone, no e-mail, no anything. It is hard when you are in the same town at times. I think this is a situation that would have caused more rapidly healing from afar, ie "out of sight, out of mind."

Certainly, I have moved on and done my own thing which is coming along, but still, it is hard knowing that she and I will have to have some contact over the next 8 months. People tell me to be the bigger person, and of course I am, but sometimes, you do get tired of being the bigger person when you do not see others doing that as well. I think the most helpful thing for me is to remind myself that we truly are on the same team. I know we both want an outstanding conference and to be able to help as much as possible. I know we are both for the positive, scientific dog training movement, despite the fact our approaches are very different. 

I guess this will be a good test to see if this old wound can heal.

1st bartending gig

Yesterday, I had my first bartending gig. The day before, we had a walk-thru of what was going to happen, and many of us felt nervous as this was our first event.  Some of us felt like we were being thrown to the wolves! 

The event itself was the big annual fundraiser for the zoo.  Tickets were not cheap, ranging in price from $200-$3000.  However, 2250 people were willing to pay the price for this big gala event.  There were some big name sponsors plus around 75 restaurants, offering samples of their food. Unfortunately, we were not allowed to taste any of them which was so disappointing.  Some chefs near us said we should just sneak off somewhere and eat their food.  Instead, we were given pizza and soda before our shift.  Neither are my favorite to eat, but this was my only option for the next 8 hours.  

At the beginning of our shift, it was pretty slow.  We were all just standing around, waiting for people to show up.  The people at my station were just as nervous as me.  We had all gone to the bartending school with the exception of 1 person.  I think all of us had reviewed our recipe cards the night before, afraid we'd be asked some obscure drink to make.  Luckily, this was not the case at all--it was mostly cocktails and easy highballs drinks--gin and tonic, vodka and cranberry (Cape Codder), rum and coke, etc.  The entire night, I made only 2 whiskey sours and 1 margarita.  A few people wanted Cosmos, but we weren't carrying all the ingredients for that drink.

Once we were busy, it was jammin' in there, and the time went by quickly.  By the end of the night, there were more than a few people wasted (I think one guy asked me for at least 4 screwdrivers-vodka and orange juice), but all looked like they had a good time.  Though no one was required to tip, we still had people who did which was nice.  The bad part is that we have to split the tips, so overall with at least 20-30 of us, it won't be a lot.  

All in all, I was pretty pleased with how everything went.  It is too bad, because we (the bartenders) have been asked if we can do additional events for various picnics, parties, etc., but unfortunately, right now is about the worst time possible as I'm busy with a lot of other things.  Otherwise, I'd be jumping on these opportunities.  I will probably still do the ones I can, but still, it's like "where were you 2-3 months ago?" 

Anyway, I think it was a good experience for me.  I did however realize that I suck at uncorking wine bottles, so I was quite thankful for the guy beside who could do this well and promptly.  So, those are the details of my first bartending gig.  Once I got home--around 1:30am, I went straight to bed.  I was hopeful to sleep in, but alas, that did not happen.  I think the rest of the day is going to be a bit on the lazy side--chores around the house, catching up on some documentation work, etc.

Hope everyone has a good weekend!

Showers and flowers

I was thinking today of the quote, "when it rains, it pours." Most people seem to say this when bad things happen.  There is a tendency for people  to relate to pouring rain with sadness.  There are only a few people I really know of that look at it differently--perhaps it is because their association with rain has always been pleasant and positive.  So I was trying to think of a way to have a positive spin to this time-old saying?

This is the one I came up with, "When it showers, it flowers."

I think this is a really good positive spin off.  What do you think?  It is what has been going through my head all day due to some interesting, exciting news.  Unfortunately, I cannot discuss it here fully, but those who have my personal e-mail can e-mail me if they want to know the details.

But here's what I will say, I'm taking a leap, a plunge into the unknown.  It's no doubt scary, stressful, and will be hard at the beginning.  But, I believe in myself enough to try.  I remind myself I have the skills to do it, the ability to be "different," and to be successful.

I realize I may not be feeling this in like a week or two, but I must go with what I feel right now.  Otherwise, I know I will never do it, and then only have regrets.  And who wants to live a life of regret or what ifs or what could have been?  None of us do, and none of us should have to.

Wish me luck!  When I am able, I will fill in more details.  I really do hate to leave all my beloved blog readers hanging, but this is sensitive stuff right now.

Just ranting

It's funny, because it has only been a week since I last posted, however, it feels like forever.  I guess in some ways I haven't had much to say.  Life is well life--still job searching, still trying to figure out what it is exactly I want to do, trying to figure out my moral ethics and beliefs on a variety of topics, whether a marathon is really doable this fall, etc.  All good food for thought but can make you crazy and frustrated too.

I guess the job search is probably the most frustrating out of all these topics, because when it boils down to it, you need some sort of money to live.  It is unfortunate that money has to have so much meaning, but it just does. 

The other thing that bothers me is that I may apply for xx amount of jobs and get nowhere simply because I fall short of one criteria.  It truly sucks.  I've talked with HR people on how this works, and for some employers, if you are one criteria short, you are immediately chucked from the pile even if you may be the coolest, hardest working type person. 

I read an article a few months ago about a guy who committed suicide, because he could not get employed after two years of searching.  Whether this man may have had a mental illness, I do not know, but that isn't really the point.  Even those people who are mentally sound, and may do all the right things, it still does not always work out.  They may not get to a point of suicide, but yes, they can get frustrated and depressed.  It just reminds me how fierce the job market is and how much talent may be missed.  Sometimes, I feel like it is the HR people that can make you or break you.

It's a scary time for me and many people who are jobless right now.  I've thought about a lot of things--what I could do, what I need to do, whether going back to school is an option, etc., but everything is incredibly scary.  Even if you invest and believe in something, it does not guarantee you will come out on top.  You may or everything may flop, and then you are right where you started before or worse.  With school, both taken time and money--both of which I feel like I do not have enough of. 

I know I'm ranting here, and I try not to discuss this too much on here as I do not want to appear like I am whining or depressed or woe is me, etc.  I guess the good thing with this all is that I haven't reverted back to ED.  Times of stress in the past has caused me to go running backwards.  I can't say the idea has not crossed my mind, as sometimes I do think it would be nice to slice my food budget.  But deep down, I know it solves nothing and only creates worse problems.  Certainly, that in and of itself is a nice victory, but still my head kind of minimizes it, thinking I should be past this point by now.  I should be able to endure anything that comes my way.

I'll end this post with highlights or not so highlights of this week:

• I know I at least have a bartending gig in mid September.  I'm hoping this will provide an outlet for networking.
• I finished Clover's weave poles--all ten of them!
• Thursday turned out to have a little of Murphy's Law.  I was going to meet with a few people for Search and Rescue work.  Well, that didn't work out, but I already made plans with a few people to visit them.  I did visit with a few, but all the times were shortened. 
• On Friday, I had to take my netbook to the computer shop.  I discovered Clover had chewed part of the powercord, so my netbook was spouting out "cricket-like" sounds and giving me the blue screen of death.  I'm hopeful it is just the cord and the computer is not damaged.
• Friday night, my mom was painting and fell.  She broke her humerus bone in several places.  She is miserable and in pain, but I'm thankful it was not worse like a cracked skull or something.
• Yesterday, I did another Search and Rescue training with some other trainers.  I try to go to this facility 1-2 times a month, as they do similar training.  We also use similar training techniques.  Tovah is doing well overall, but this training definitely takes time.

The work update

As you all know, I've been looking for work for the last 4.5 months. It's been tough to put it mildly. I've been looking at both bartending jobs as well as research oriented ones. Some may wonder why I am not looking at that many dog/animal ones. It's mostly because the pay is lousy, there are rarely benefits, or I do not agree with their methods (sorry I can't do something that will be completely unjust to me). This doesn't mean that if I happen to comes across a dog/animal job that I would not take it. There is actually one job that I am looking at, but the interviews won't be until July. That job has a variable amount of factors, but if it worked out, it would be a great opportunity.

Last week, I had 3 interviews. Two which seemed like they could possibly pan out, however, I have not heard back yet. The third one is not for me, so if they do not call back, that is okay.

Needless to say this job searching thing wears and tears on my emotions. Some days, I'm feeling optimistic about it, but at other times, I am not at all and feel frustrated, discouraged, and depressed about the whole thing. It does not help either that in the same conversation, my father will say to me:

Don't be discouraged, something will come up soon

to

Well, you need a job

to

If you want to go to medical/vet school, we'll find a way to make it work.

Sheesh, talk about a mixed set of emotions. It is hard, because my parents are helping me out a lot, and of course I do want and am looking for a job, but sometimes, my father isn't helpful. This is one of those moments where it is sometimes better not to say anything at all unless the other party brings it up. Of course, I do not want it to become one of those "walking on eggshells" feelings like eating, food, weight, etc. once were.

So that's my work report for the time being. I keep trudging along I guess, but it is not always easy.

Brushing self doubt aside

Today, I will be walking into several potential bartending establishments, new resume in hand, dressed in nice business wear, and/or filling out applications or having impromptu interviews. Gosh, writing that makes me feel so d-e-s-p-e-r-a-t-e. I guess in some way I am, but of course, that is not the vibe I want to give off. This is totally not my style. It's so much easier behind the computer screen and just clicking away.

But alas, bartending is different than a corporate or academic job where there is likely a multitude of steps before even scoring an interview. This way eliminates beating around the bush. Still, it is not easy feeling like you have to "sell" yourself which is with any job, period. You have to try to make yourself look better than your other competitors even if you may not feel like it. Then, on the other hand, what if you actually sell yourself too well and get hired on the spot? That would definitely be cool if that happened with a few of the places I'd really like to work. What if that happens with those lower on my list? Do I say no then or tell them I need to think about it?

The rest of my day should be uneventful, at least I hope.

So here's to the first day of summer!

Newly licensed

It is official. I am now a licensed bartender, good for all fifty states! Pretty cool, eh? I like to call myself a professional mixologist. It has a nice ring to it.

Yesterday, I took my written final--aced it. Then, I took the nerve-racking speed round test. I was practically shaking when I had to pick up more than one glass at a time and place the drink on the coaster. However, I persevered, making 13 correct drinks (missed one drink because I used the wrong bottle). You needed 12 correct drinks in 8 minutes.

Today, we had pictures for our resumes and went over how the job placement works. One thing that is different compared to many jobs which I've been applying for is, there is less filling out applications online. This means no more hiding behind the computer screen. With bartending, it is actually okay to go to that establishment and try to get a job. In some ways, this can be highly beneficial since they will actually see you in person. Then, you get a chance to shine in a way you may not be able to online. Now, I just have to get past my nerves. Going in person is way scarier to me for this type of job, something that is completely new and different. The nice thing is that the school helps you with finding jobs and such. Plus, I have to say I have a bit of an in with the director since I've been giving him some tips on newly integrating their baby (literally only a week old) and their chihuaha.

So, here's to a new chapter in my life. Dog training or any other job that may be suitable is certainly not out of the question, it's just may not be on a full time basis. I'll post how things progress. I do think if I find the right establishment, it could be a very interesting gig.

p.s.--the guy with the record number of drinks made in the speed round test is 38! He was able to hold 3 bottles in one hand. He got a job the day after he graduated from someone having seen him do this.

Bartending 101

First off, thanks for all the support in my last post. I've actually received really good feedback from most people, so that makes me feel more comfortable about it.

I started on Tuesday. From the get go, you are learning drinks and how to make them. The first day was Martinis, Manhattans, and Rob Roys. Yesterday were the Tall drinks. These would be your exotic ones like Sex on the Beaches, Long Island Iced Teas, Hurricanes, Mojitos, etc. Today were the 2 oz Cocktails, Beers, and Wines.

I've found that I've done really well with the written quizzes which essentially means I'm good at memorizing recipes. However, I've found that being behind the bar is a different story. I really have to think about the ingredients, amounts, and the Mnemonic devices. It is NOT easy. Some of the mnemonic devices are funny. For example for one of the Tall drinks, the mnemonic device is: Run Bugs Bunny Go Outside and Pee 151 times. Brownie points for whoever knows this drink.

Also, it is interesting pouring drinks. It's hard not to feel like you want to measure every single ounce to make sure you are exactly right. If you did this, it would jut scream "Rookie," so obviously it is very looked down upon. However, you do learn how to be pretty accurate by counting and pouring. In the practices I've done with free pouring, I have been accurate, so I really should not worry. It is just one of those things I guess. You get better with practice and to have the ability to gauge what the ounce is based on where the liquid is.

Next Monday is basically a mid term--a bit scary!! At the end of two weeks, you have a written final and a practical where you have to pour 8 drinks correctly in 12 minutes. It doesn't sound like a lot, and obviously if you know your stuff, you should be able to hit it out of the ball park. However, I have a feeling nerves will get to me and then all my drink recipes will disappear with only a blank mind. Ugh, that would be awful. But, for now, I'm not focusing on that!

Besides the start of bartending school, my schedule got really hectic. Seriously, I go to class from 10am to 2pm, get back by 2:30pm or so, then am working on projects, doing house stuff (I've left my clean laundry in the basket for 2 weeks now), doing gardening, etc. I tend to not get to working on the bartending stuff until late, like 11pm. I work on it for a few hours, then go to bed and wake up early to study. I'm actually thankful the weekend will be coming up soon, though Saturday is busy with some cadaver training and a date with a new Match guy. This guy seems really cool, so well see.

On top of this, there was a possibility I might be able to go to Search and Rescue camp next week. I tried really hard to get this to work but I just can't get my act together in such short time nor find people to watch the dogs and bunny (both my neighbors are gone all week) I'm really upset about this as it was a great deal financially, lots of training opportunity, and just simply fun. Had I known I did not have to watch my neighbor's dog while was she was out of town (found out Monday), I would have changed my plans significantly. Oh well.

I also got an interesting e-mail today as well which might be a great opportunity, working with dogs in a different capacity. That would be exciting, so we'll see where that goes.

As you can see, it's been busy around here lately. But in a good way. I've had several moments where I've just felt kind of blissful with all the new doors opening. It is quite freeing, inspiring, and an odd feeling to have. In any case, I'm looking at it as good karma maybe making its way around my corner.

Hope everyone is having a good week!

New career move

So I've left everyone in suspense here as to my new career move. Since I'm in a big period of transition, trying to figure things out, still unemployed, etc., I figure this is as good of a time as any to try something new. That statement is ironic as 3 or more years ago, I would have negated and shunned that thought all together. After all, we are creatures of habit and ritual.

I have decided to attend bartending school. And yes, you really can become a professional bartender, licensed and all. I checked the local school here which is accredited, established, and seems like a nice place to learn. The school only lasts 2 weeks for four hours/day. The schedule is flexible, coming in either in the morning, at night, or on the weekend. Upon graduation, you become licensed in all 50 states. This school will also help you with job placement here or any of their other affiliated schools across the country.

I met with the enrollment person last week and took a tour. It's a nice set up as it simulates what an average bar looks like--all 200+ bottles. It is a bit daunting at first, but I think just like everything there is a learning curve, and then you get it. Plus, it is really helpful that I tend to have a good memory.

In talking with this person, I learned a few interesting things. One question I was curious about was how many people who enrolled who were not drinkers. She said about 80% of people were non-drinkers, and quite a few of them had never had any drinks at all. I, myself, am not a big drinker, though have tried various mixed drinks--sex on the beaches, daiquiris, fuzzy navels, mai tais, long island iced teas, cosmopolitans, some blue drink which I think was a blue hawaiian. This person considered me a "sponge." LOL

Many are asking why would I even choose bartending. Well, for a variety of reasons actually. One, the money which is mostly tips can be good if you are doing your job right. This is also dependent on where you are working. For me, I'd only be choosing upscale, nice places. I do not want to have to deal with off-the-wall drinkers who only drink to get drunk, and then do some stupid stuff. In general, nicer places will also have a different clientele who will order more sophisticated drinks.

Two, the hours can be flexible depending on where you work. And truly, I do want to have some kind of life outside of just work. Also, this type of career tends to be stable. If you think about it, it's like eating,. Generally speaking, people have a tendency to eat by emotions--sad or happy, etc. The same is with drinking.

Three, I think this could be a good way to challenge myself out of my comfort zone. I'm typically a shy person, don't necessarily talk much until I get to know you, but always friendly. I know for a fact that I will always be on the reserved side, that I will never be your typical social butterfly. But, if I can teach myself to in a way to "be on" when I need to be, I think it will give me more confidence in the long run. Even the enrollment girl I was talking to picked up on this, and said she could imagine me being chatty with someone. Truly, that's part of bartending. Sure, part of it may be that you make good drinks, but what gets people coming back is you and your personality.

I also know for a fact that I'd be a very ethical bartender. I could never live with myself if something ever happened to someone, knowing I could have prevented it. This place helps you in dealing with customer service and situations where people have had too much.

I start class tomorrow. It feels a bit weird going into a classroom again with a pen, paper, index cards, and a highlighter. I'm hoping it will be worth it. I kind of look at bartending as cooking. There is some science and art to it--a basic recipe and then your added touches with presentation. I'll keep everyone posted how it goes.

p.s.--This idea ironically came from my father, you know the one who has been telling me for years to go back to school. I never would have thought he would have said this though. He also told me about someone he knew that was a bartender in New York, making $1,000 in tips/night. Being in the midwest, that will likely not happen.

p.p.s--In some ways, it still feels odd thinking about this profession, but at this point I do need to think financially here. And I'm having a hard time to catch any breaks on the job front.

Cirque delayed

Ahh, Mother Nature has played her nasty role here. The week has been filled with heavy rain, high winds, and tornado warnings. Not much fun to say the least. Cirque du Soleil cancelled their shows this entire week due to the rising river levels. Seriously, the river is like 4 feet above flood stage and not receding quickly whatsoever. Their poor site is a mess with workers having to boat their way to the tents and trailers. We have heard that for whatever reason this show seems to carry a "black cloud." They've had snow in AZ, floods in San Diego, ice in an Francisco, and now record breaking flooding here.

This means no work for me, at least until next week, hopefully. Boo. But actually, this sort of works out as I have decided to run the half-marathon this weekend. By not working, I'll have ample time to register (yes, I missed the online registration by 30 minutes!) and go to the Expo which is always fabulous, though a bit mazey. I may also have time to do a SAR session with Tovah too. I've got to check on that one for sure.

So I complained mentioned about the black clothes I had to buy for this temp job. I did follow everyone's advice and went to thrifty/consignment places. I was pretty surprised to find some nice clothing for bargain prices. Here are a few of my purchases: I am usually not a big dress person, but I really liked this B. Moss one. The blazer was just my size, and I figured would work well for other occasions. You can see a few more black items I found. A few of the pics are just other clothes I like or ones my mother brought me. I'll get to that in a minute.

While my mother came to visit, she brought me more clothes. Some were black, others not. You see, my mother is like the Queen of consignment shop/bargain hunting. I even took her to one here which she fell in love with, telling me that every time she visits, we must go to that store.

Many times, my mom finds great buys, because she has a lot of patience to dig through stuff--I do but to a point. Now, one thing I have decided my mother does, and for whatever reason, it clicked on this visit, is live vicariously through me by buying me what I call "Bohemian" clothes. Seriously, check out this dress which has grown on me I must say:

Though my mom is a child of the 40s, she really loved the 60s era and went all out on flowery dresses, headbands, and the like. The blousey shirt in the photo album is another one of her bohemian finds. I wore that the day I went to the butterfly show.

Unlike

Now one thing I did have to buy twice was black shoes. The first pair I bought hurt my feet way too much standing. So I wound up with this pair of Merrell last week. Sadly, they were not on sale, but again, they are usable for future occasions.

That's the wrap on my clothing saga. One thing I am trying to do in general is dress better. It's not that I dress poorly or anything, but I tend to dress for comfort than style. I guess that is the dog trainer in me, years of fearing dog prints on nice clothes. But I think overall, it is a good thing for me--kind of lifts my mood a bit. And heck, we all need that at times in recovery, eh?

Cirque du Soleil gig

I'm sorry once again for my lack of posts. This week has been really busy. My dad was here until yesterday, and I started my temporary job with Cirque du Soleil as an usher. I'm hoping to write some more posts this weekend. I have some posts in mind on family, clothes, this job, and running, so please bear with me. Hopefully, there will be some breaks of rain/thunderstorms this weekend. I've learned from past experience, it is best to unplug your computer completely, including the power surge whenever it is lightning, so as not to kill a router, modem, or any other piece of valuable computer equipment.

This Tuesday, I had my training for Cirque and worked the next two days. At first, it seemed like a ton of information thrown at you, but once you actually see the show, it is much easier to figure out when/where you are supposed to be/do things. Being on the set, and waiting for the show to open is thrilling. There is a huge amount of adrenaline in the air. That and making sure everything goes as planned too. There is a ton of technicality involved, so one loose knot or cable could easily cause a disaster.

The show itself is wonderful. This is my first time to be up close and personal, and it is amazing what these artists can do. Thinking about the way those contortionists move just makes my body hurt! Unfortunately, Mother Nature has decided to take her course which has caused a lot of stress for the crew and less work for me. :-(

Some people wondered (my dad in particular) why I took this job. 1) I needed something. Sometimes, I think he expects me to be waiting by the phone for calls by potential employees. Yes, I have my phone on, but I'm not going to be sitting and waiting. 2) I thought this would be a great networking opportunity. Though I still consider myself to be a pretty reserved, quiet person, I pick up and observe a lot of information by listening. It's really interesting to see the different people there--all different ages and to learn a little of their "story." There is one older gentleman who I met at the last orientation at the temporary agency who always asks "how are you doing, kid?" His story is similar to many with the downturn of the economy--his position was cut. He really lost quite a lot of income from that. It's just simply sad. There is another older retired couple, and one girl who is a senior in high school. This is her first job.

I struck up a conversation with this girl. I feel awful, because I do not know here name, despite the fact we all have name badges! On Tuesday, she was very chatty since two of her friends were there, but the last two days, she was alone and much more quiet. I noticed she had a cheerleading jacket which she confirmed to me later. I mentioned to her I had been a cheerleader in highschool and had thought about trying out for my college team at one point.

The college I went to has an excellent competitive cheerleading team. They are well known and have won many competitions. She was definitely familiar with them, but what I found interesting was the first thing she asked me. She asked, "don't they have a height/weight requirement?" I couldn't verify this for sure, but I think it is more that they choose people on talent and who have similar body types/heights. I don't think there is an actual height/weight you have to be, but I could be wrong.

Anyway, there is another three weeks of shows with potential work. Your work schedule is based on your performance. If you do a good job, then you will get to work more. Currently, the only people who are working all six days are the people who are what is called "Cirque followers." They sign up to work with Cirque at their different sites, but they have to provide their own accommodations and other expenses.

I'll post more about Cirque, some Cirque facts, and other observations. I've heard the kitchen has some fantastic food, but we are only allowed in there on 2 show days. I'm interested in trying it out, but it's a bit pricey at $10/lb. I'll let you know if I do.

Now off to bed to wake up early for a group run. I have a feeling we'll be running in rain. :-(

Sudden busyness

It is weird, I have not been that busy other than job stuff, but within the last two days, boom, it just got busy, a bit overwhelming, and complicated. Some of the stuff is just due to procrastination, like getting my taxes done. I am determined to do that this weekend. I have also put off watching some dvds that I've had for some time. However, since I'm going to a dog seminar next Friday, and the presenter is the one who is in the dvds, it would be helpful for me to watch them. The dvds accumulate to 12 hours, so it's a big chunk of time.

Those are the procrastination ones. Now, the other stuff just came out of the blue. I met with a temp agency this week for a position with Cirque du Soleil which is coming into town. Most of these jobs are hospitality type jobs which I honestly have no experience in, so I signed up for the one that seemed easy, straight forward, not a big problem--an usher. Though not glamorous by any means, it is something. It'll be for 2 1/2 weeks or so in mid-April to May. What I really thought would have been a fun job was to be a costume dresser, but I have zilcho sewing skills. I'd also be horribly afraid of screwing up a costume or something, so way too much pressure for me there. Still though, to be backstage, talking with the cast would have been so fun. In some ways, I hope this temporary job will be a way to network with others.

The downside of this is that I will have to buy more clothes. If you remember awhile back I had to buy khaki pants for work which I wound up not using since the dress code got changed to jeans. Although it is nice to have khaki pants for various occasions, I would have only bought 1 pair versus 3. The dress code for this temporary job is all black, including socks. I have 1 pair of black pants and a few black hose type socks, and that's it. Typically, I do not wear much black due to dog hair magnetism. Despite keeping lint brushes around, it is never possible to remove all the dog hair. And Tovah and Hank are blowing coat, so black is not a helpful color to be wearing.

Therefore, I will have to buy black pants, tops, and shoes (I have a pair of black, but they have a heel) by Wednesday's dress rehearsal. Really, I'm not looking forward to it. Not because of body image insecurities (yay me!), but rather because it takes a lot of time and money that I'd rather spend elsewhere. At least there are some decent outlets around here, so I'll be going there first.

The other issue is that I had already signed up for a specific dog seminar that will be in town in May. However, it coincides with the temporary job position. I think I've found a way to work this out, so I'm crossing my fingers it will work.

The rest is neverending with job stuff, laundry, cleaning, reading, working with the dogs, meeting with the running group, appointments with the dentist and dermatologist this month, etc. And for some reason, this entire week, I've had headaches which is really odd. Headaches are very atypical for me, so I'm hoping it is just a weather thing.

All in all though, I'd rather be somewhat busy than have nothing at all. But I do think I'm going to need to start scheduling myself better and getting up earlier. :sigh:

Upcoming posts and other thoughts

I know everyone does not want to hear about job stuff other than I am still at it with resumes, registering at temporary agencies, etc. However, I did run across this article which I think may be relevant to some of you who are also searching. Basically, it is says that even though we may be desperate for a job, a bad job could be worse for you mentally than being unemployed. Just something to consider.

I have to admit, I have good and bad days with this whole no work situation. I really have to fight the "rejected" feeling and the "I'm not a loser" mantra. Hence, I think this is why productivity feels more emphasized. There are some days I feel like I am so productive, but then there are other days, I feel like I get nothing accomplished. Then, the day feels wasted.

However, I haven't felt the latter of that too much this week.

How have I been productive this week so far?

* Sent out more resumes (I am currently waiting to hear from 5-6 potential employers)

* Registered with a temporary agency

* Have been working with the dogs and bunny on new tricks related to Easter. I have a photo in
mind, but we'll see if it will really happen.

* Bathed Tovah--she is itchy unfortunately

*Got my glasses fixed. A nose pad fell off. I tried gluing it but it did not work. The cover of one
arm has beencracked too for awhile. It was being held by scotch tape. The lady was nice and
put 2 new nose pads and 2 arm covers on my glasses.

* Got new windshield wipers. Mine were falling apart.

Now, things to look forward to:

* Dog show! I'm going on Friday and Sunday morning to see the Boxers and some competition
obedience andmaybe rally. I'm taking the opportunity, because I rarely get to go and actually
see what I want. A local person here is also going on Sunday, so we may meet up at some point.

* Running group on Saturday morning. I missed yesterday's session due to not being able to read
the clock correctly.

* Possible a date with match guy. We'll call him the writer. (I actually have 2 prospects, the other
is an hour away though--we've talked on the phone a few times-also a runner)

* Next week, some cadaver work with Tovah. After e-mailing another well known trainer, I
realized I may need to slow down a little, but I am very curious to see how Tovah reacts to a
cadaver scent.

* Upcoming dog seminars that are nearby in April and May.

* Hair cut appt. at the end of the month. I haven't cut my hair since this post. And yes, it is just
about that long now again.

Now, things you have to look forward to in some following posts:

* Book reviews. I'll be reviewing:

Beating Your Eating Disorder: A Cognitive-Behavioral Self-Help Guide for Adult Sufferers and their Carers by authors Waller, Mountford, Lawson, Gray, Cordery, and Hinrichsen

Give Food a Chance by author Julie O'Toole.

Both are two I have wanted to read, so this is a great opportunity. Some other books which are on my stack are Unbearable Lightness; Women, Food, and God; Goodbye Ed, Hello Me, and other dog training related books and dvds. I realize these are not new books, and I've been quite negligent on my book reading, so I am trying to take this time to get back into the groove of reading.

With all of that said, how is everyone's weekend shaping up? What do you have to look forward to?

Reality sets back in

I'm officially back in reality mode.  The trip was a nice break from having to think too much, be in crappy weather, and just to take a rest.  Yesterday was my birthday.  Truly, I did nothing and was in a bit of a bitter/dumpy type mood.  I realize this was my choice, so really I have  nothing to complain about.

My original plans had been a dinner date with a new match guy.  We had coffee last week, and it went well.  He had offered to take me out to dinner for my birthday but then never mentioned it over the course of this past week.  As is par for the course job stuff came up, and he pulled out his business card, saying he could help me with my resume.  This guy works for the state but his love is writing, and he has been published in a number of venues, mostly writing entertainment and review pieces.  But still, I thought it was nice that he offered and was not charging me anything.

I sent him my resume, and he basically shredded it apart.  This has nothing to really do with constructive criticism, because I can take that.  It has to do more with not feeling very confident in myself nor knowing what I want to do exactly.  There are jobs out there, but I feel qualified for nothing other than animal-related since I have been doing that for the last 10 years.  My problem lies in that the "contract" I signed holds me at bay from doing anything remotely similar to my previous job.  This makes it difficult to find work.  It makes me seriously think about going back to school, but I worry about financial costs.

On the same token, having all this free time, I thought about attending some dog seminars.  There were a few that were at great prices, but then my dad made me feel all guilty about that since my first priority is obviously finding a job.

Today, reality has really sunk in, and I'm feeling very bummed about everything.  There have been a number of moments where I felt like collapsing into a puddle of tears.  In some ways, I feel like I have no right to complain as so many people around the country are in the same predicament and some for a lot longer than a mere three weeks.  It's just hard to apply for jobs  and know the only thing you can do is wait. 

Productivity and updates

I have to admit, it is weird not working. I was so used to a routine schedule of waking up between 5-5:30am and coming home between 6:30-7pm every day. Being a structured, routine person I am, it is tough to have all this free time. But, I feel like I've put it to good use so far. My revised resume is completed and visible to employers. I got in touch with all the necessary people I needed to amend bank stuff, bought some pair of black socks for interviews (my mom informed me it would look tacky to wear white socks with black shoes), a friend of mine agreed), returned and mailed any items from old workplace, learned exactly what I can and cannot do, in regards to future employment, received some good advice (never sign any contracts/agreements prior to working), and had a great dinner with a friend, capped with a brownie dessert and ice cream which did not end in any guilty thinking.

Now, it's a waiting game. And that's the hard part. I always have some fear that no one is going to look at my resume, despite my credentials.

In some ways, having this time off is good, because all those things I have put off like cleaning, organizing, taxes, going through boxes (yes I still have some from when I moved over a year ago), getting my hair cut, writing letters, working on Baxter's memorial video, reading my stack of books/magazines, watching my stack of dog dvds, etc., I now finally have the time to do. There's even a possibility I may be going to FL in a few weeks to visit friends.

Here's the thing, though I try to stay optimistic about things, there are still a lot of times I feel down or try to wrap my head around things. This often times gets my father upset, because he feels like I'm just obsessing (I have a post related to that soon). To me, it is my way to try to make sense of things, vent, or whatever. Because for me, what it boils down to is just another loss--a loss of a job and workplace that had so much potential (I guess it still has the potential, just without me), a loss of friendship, a loss of trust. The latter two hurt the most and is likely irreparable.

Truly, I know time is really the only thing that will help. The more you can distance (not avoid per se) yourself from whatever harmful incident has happened, the better you can learn, move on, and heal. But still, it all takes time, time that is different for everyone.

p.s. If you have not entered the gift code giveaway, you still have time until 11pm EST tonight. I forgot to mention it in the original post, but it is for $50. All you have to do is leave a comment on one way you are taking care of yourself. Good luck!

One door closes...

This is inevitably a difficult post for me to write. If any of you have been keeping track of the work saga, it has now come to an end. I am no longer an employee there. It wasn't exactly on my terms, but I certainly know now that this was coming. Some of you know more in-depth details about all that occurred from late October through now, and in retrospect, I know this was essentially to drive me out.

Yesterday was full of many tears. Today hasn't been too bad. I know I just need to move forward as dwelling about the whys and the logic is futile when there is none. I know that in the end, this is likely for the best. But still, I am hurt, sad and angry over it. More angry about how things happened--could have happened differently and sad and hurt because a friendship has been completely ruined.

There have been lessons learned which I now know not to repeat. I think the biggest one is realizing how people really are when you actually work with them. Perhaps, I'm a bit too forgiving and give way too much of the benefit of the doubt. But I like to try to see the good in all people even when there may be little.

It's hard for me to not think of myself as some horrible person, though I of course know deep in my heart, I am the farthest thing from that possible. Not that I am perfect by any means, none of us are.

So as this week goes by, I will try to pick up the pieces, start anew, and venture to see what is out there. Maybe in some awful way this is a blessing in disguise.

When I was younger, I used to dream about being able to make a mark in this world somehow, some kind of difference. For the last number of years, I've really struggled with what this is, what my sense of purpose truly is. Maybe it really isn't dogs like I thought, maybe it is something else completely. Fear has stood in my way for many years, and it still does. But at the same time, I know I must try to move past that and once again enter a new chapter in my life like I did a little over a year ago. Sometimes, it is hard to take that leap of faith until you are forced to. But here I am and forced to.

I know I will get by. Right now is tough and it may be for awhile. Hopefully, I can focus my energies in positive ways and find something that will make me happy.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me. I appreciate it all. I don't know what I would have done without my parents and friends (both personal and virtual). You are all LOVED.

Empowering myself

I had this conversation today with my mom's husband, M., this morning about work. Though part of what he said was hurtful, it was true too. Basically, he said I needed to stop whining/venting and do something about it. I kept reiterating that I have been which I felt like he was not hearing at all. It is true I have made some other contacts and begun to look around. But at the same time, one of the most essential things I need to do, I have not done. I really need to know for sure, on a dime, what my exact rights are here in this state (all states are different with employment laws). I did an internet search and found several that specifically work in employment law, so e-mailed one. Most will do free initial consultations, so I should be okay there in regards to fees.

I know I will feel better once this is done, because then I can stop doubting everything. And I guess in a sense it is empowering. I just hate the fact that it seems the only way I can "empower"/do this type of thing is when I feel angry about something which isn't always the best thing either. :sigh: I just hope this lawyer tells me what I need to know and also is kind of nice too.

p.s. When I think more about this, I'm always advocating for being an informed consumer, so really this should not be any different.

p.p.s. To those who have helped, thanks bunches. You know who you are.

p90x

******Trigger Warning******

I do not ever try to write triggering posts, but feel the need to put this up just in case as it talks about a specific exercise program.

Recently, I was talking to my veterinarian. It's a bit funny, because she is not one to really talk on the phone unless she has to. However, when it comes to texting, she invariably will text back right away. The conversation was originally about work, then her dog, and then it rerouted to exercising after I asked whether she was/is a runner, something my boss had told me awhile back. I was quite honestly looking for a running buddy. (Right now, it is just Tovah) But she hasn't run in about 3 years and didn't sound like she was going to start right now. However, she asked if I was interested in doing a p90x program with her and another woman from the vet clinic.

I was unfamiliar with this program, though it sounded strangely familiar. I did a quick google search, and yep, it's one of those ones I've seen advertised. Of course, I had to ask people whether they had used this program or knew other people who did. Surprisingly, my dad knew about the program, because one of his friends who is a Navy Seal said they are using that program to get the Navy Seals fit. If you've ever watched the rigorous workouts Navy Seals have to endure, you know they have to be in top physical shape.

In essence, this is a pretty intense workout. You can look at the link above to get a better idea. There is a nutritional component to the program, but I know for sure now I would not be following that but my own anyway.

I'm sure people have a variety of reasons to do this program. Some want to get in better shape, maybe lose baby weight if they recently had a baby (my vet), others want the ultimate beach body, while others may do the program for unhealthy reasons-to indulge their exercising compulsions.

So where do I fit into this list? Well, if I am completely HONEST with myself, it would fall into getting in better shape and probably some exercise compulsion thrown in. If you've been reading this blog, you may be thinking this may not be the best idea since I have some minor injuries and am in physical therapy once again (a whopping 10 exercises to do 1-2x/day--I've been compliant) This has been the same mantra that some of my dear ED recovery buddies have also expressed.

But, and I'm throwing this in as a just for the record, I'm not underweight, eating has been stable (I did have a few weeks of not eating optimally but got myself back on track), and my exercise is limited to 1-2x/week of running at a snail's pace. Also, I do not own the p90x program and will only find out details next week from my vet next week. My vet also knows nothing about my history with ED.

I'm not trying to justify myself here. I was thinking about this more yesterday, and I think the bigger drive here is the feeling of success and accomplishment. When I was training for my marathons a few years ago, there was such a feeling of accomplishment in running faster, beating my time, running up steep hills entirely with no walking, running for long periods of time, etc. I do admit for awhile there was a thinking of being able to run on limited calories, but I quickly learned, I'd hit the inevitable "wall" if I did not eat enough. If you've never hit the "wall," it is an awful feeling of lightedheadness, fatigue, exhaustion, like you're going to fall down, maybe like you're going to vomit, etc. all due to glucose depletion!

Right now in my life, I'm just not feeling like I'm accomplishing anything. Work, well, some of you know about that, is just not going well. When I'm working with dogs and their clients on behavioral issues, socialization, certain tricks or tasks, etc., there has always been a feeling of accomplishment and reward. But right now, I am not working with clients at all.

Although I'm working with dogs in daycare to a degree, mostly on impulse control exercises, learning to be quiet at various noises, learning to go to a mat, to go in their stainless steel kennels at naptime, and basic obedience, it just isn't feeling very rewarding. Perhaps, it is because I feel like I receive no acknowledgement of my efforts. Maybe I feel like I really don't see as many changes as I'd like. One example is with a dog where it took 5 1/2 months to get her to finally go into a kennel at naptime and that was because I started not giving her an option--no force involved just that the only way out was to go into the crate/kennel. It was wonderful when she did it and now she goes in without any problems. I had wanted to share the elated news with the dog's mom, but since I have no client interaction was unable to. And now if I did, I would be horribly reprimanded and punished for it--long story on that. So I'm now left with working with several other dogs who have the same issue but have no clue what their owners are doing at home if anything.

I'm also feeling like a janitor too more than a dog trainer as there just always seem to be an enormous amount of cleaning I do everyday with little to no help.

So going back to the p90x question. Will I do this? I don't know, though I'm quite intrigued with it. I think the bigger question to ask myself is can I hold myself accountable to stop if this is too much? Are the reasons really valid enough to do the program?

Crossroads of sorts

image

So I'm now at a crossroads of sorts at work. Since Thursday, I've really been struggling with what to do. I had a "mandatory" meeting with my boss which I only knew about since late that morning while checking my e-mail. It wasn't exactly what I had envisioned-more like she had a meeting with me, along with two new business partners, both of whom I knew.

Procedural questions were asked which was fine, but there was one bizarre question and one question that felt like "sandbagging" me. I did have an opportunity to ask some questions-I did, but neglected one question which I should have. But honestly, after 40 minutes, I wanted to get out of there. Though I've never had to defend a thesis or dissertation, I can imagine it might have been similar to this, except for the fact that at least with that, you get to prepare.

I left feeling like I was ambushed. I don't want to talk about fair since I know life just isn't fair. You learn that early on and how to accept it and move on. But I'm now left questions of what to do. I've gone through my head many scenarios of the whys, but again that doesn't get my anywhere really. I can think that perhaps the way my boss is treating me has nothing to do with me at all and is just stress in her life, the holidays, the death of her dad back in June. Truly, I get this and am a highly sympathetic, understanding, give the benefit of the doubt type of person. I know all this takes time to process, to grieve, to heal.

This really comes down to my options and a pro/con list of questions:

• I could look at this behaviorally and ask what would I do with a dog that was in this situation? How is my boss like a behavior case?
• How could I operantly change this?
• Do I have that power to change this?
• Am I able to become a "pest" of sorts?
• Am I willing to ride it out until there is some miraculous breakthrough if any?
• Am I willing to sacrifice my soul for this?
• Is this job or her (all the reasons why I moved up here a year ago) worth it now?
• I could ride this out as I am now, not making any real attempt to change it--kind of looking at this as a lost cause.
• Is it really a lost cause?
• How long can my sanity (if I have any left) put up with this?
• This is just a job-you do it, then go home without ever feeling truly satisfied.
• I could ride it out and also in the mean time be looking at different options, putting feelers out.
• I get a chance to see what else might be out there.
• This can get complicated with the non-competition clause in the employee agreement.

This is all really hard for me to consider. On one hand, I do not want to be in the same situation I was prior to this which was about stifling your growth, but at the same time there was at least a trusting factor. The lure of incentives to come here were supportive environment, paid seminars/workshops, teaching group classes, private training clients, working on scheduling/ power points, training new people, and more. However, not much of this has happened. I've taught some classes, but recently she did not schedule me for this as to "watch my hours"-mind you I'm on salary pay, and I heavily enjoy classes. I've done the power points for all the classes, workshops, and seminars.

On another hand, I see all the potential this place has to be/offer, and I'd like to be a part of that. But at what cost to me? Then, there is also the whole fear factor with this awful economy too.

This is when I highly wish I had a therapist again. I may see about referrals from my gp when I schedule an appointment with her sometime this month.

Anyway, that's the latest saga on work. I always worry this comes off as whining, it's just been hard as I had such high hopes, made a big sacrifice coming here, and it feels a bit dashed. Again, I thank everyone for their great support on blogland, twitter, (I do not post this stuff on my personal facebook account), texts, and e-mails (you know who you are). My motto of late has been, "venting is a lot better than self-destruction." (truly I've been doing okay for the most part, though there have been moments of just wanting to delve into jigsaw puzzles-always a sign of depression for me or running even though I haven't in like a year-do want to eventually though, and some loss of appetite/weight loss but trying to keep tabs on that)

Weekends and work

I remember when I used to hate that the weekend was about to come. It meant unstructured time, no real schedule, an interruption of my routine. I still fight this with notion a lot, thinking I must get a ton of stuff done on the weekends--laundry, vacuuming, cleaning, organizing, stuff with the dogs and bunny, etc. But with my last three weeks of work, I've welcomed the weekend graciously and have tried to fill it with fun time. For example, last weekend, I visited an online friend I'd known for 14 years but never met. This weekend, I'm visiting another friend or two and meeting a new Match date.

I never thought how much of a welcome relief the weekends would be, though I do think weekends should really be 3 days rather than 2. I find it always takes me one day to wind down. But truly this makes sense with work lately. This week was the same as the previous other two weeks, though I did say again that we needed to talk and it really could not wait any longer. Again, all I got was another "I'll schedule an appointment." :sigh: This is really frustrating.

I'm really at a loss of what more to do, because the ball has been in her court for several weeks now. This is my third attempt at some form of communication. If someone no longer wants me there, I'd rather be told up front than to continue in misery. Been there, done that, and it's not fun. In the back of my mind, my wishful thinking hopes this is just one big misunderstanding. However, as each day passes, the likelihood of this diminishes.