So I'm now at a crossroads of sorts at work. Since Thursday, I've really been struggling with what to do. I had a "mandatory" meeting with my boss which I only knew about since late that morning while checking my e-mail. It wasn't exactly what I had envisioned-more like she had a meeting with me, along with two new business partners, both of whom I knew.
Procedural questions were asked which was fine, but there was one bizarre question and one question that felt like "sandbagging" me. I did have an opportunity to ask some questions-I did, but neglected one question which I should have. But honestly, after 40 minutes, I wanted to get out of there. Though I've never had to defend a thesis or dissertation, I can imagine it might have been similar to this, except for the fact that at least with that, you get to prepare.
I left feeling like I was ambushed. I don't want to talk about fair since I know life just isn't fair. You learn that early on and how to accept it and move on. But I'm now left questions of what to do. I've gone through my head many scenarios of the whys, but again that doesn't get my anywhere really. I can think that perhaps the way my boss is treating me has nothing to do with me at all and is just stress in her life, the holidays, the death of her dad back in June. Truly, I get this and am a highly sympathetic, understanding, give the benefit of the doubt type of person. I know all this takes time to process, to grieve, to heal.
This really comes down to my options and a pro/con list of questions:
- I could look at this behaviorally and ask what would I do with a dog that was in this situation? How is my boss like a behavior case?
- How could I operantly change this?
- Do I have that power to change this?
- Am I able to become a "pest" of sorts?
- Am I willing to ride it out until there is some miraculous breakthrough if any?
- Am I willing to sacrifice my soul for this?
- Is this job or her (all the reasons why I moved up here a year ago) worth it now?
- I could ride this out as I am now, not making any real attempt to change it--kind of looking at this as a lost cause.
- Is it really a lost cause?
- How long can my sanity (if I have any left) put up with this?
- This is just a job-you do it, then go home without ever feeling truly satisfied.
- I could ride it out and also in the mean time be looking at different options, putting feelers out.
- I get a chance to see what else might be out there.
- This can get complicated with the non-competition clause in the employee agreement.
This is all really hard for me to consider. On one hand, I do not want to be in the same situation I was prior to this which was about stifling your growth, but at the same time there was at least a trusting factor. The lure of incentives to come here were supportive environment, paid seminars/workshops, teaching group classes, private training clients, working on scheduling/ power points, training new people, and more. However, not much of this has happened. I've taught some classes, but recently she did not schedule me for this as to "watch my hours"-mind you I'm on salary pay, and I heavily enjoy classes. I've done the power points for all the classes, workshops, and seminars.
On another hand, I see all the potential this place has to be/offer, and I'd like to be a part of that. But at what cost to me? Then, there is also the whole fear factor with this awful economy too.
This is when I highly wish I had a therapist again. I may see about referrals from my gp when I schedule an appointment with her sometime this month.
Anyway, that's the latest saga on work. I always worry this comes off as whining, it's just been hard as I had such high hopes, made a big sacrifice coming here, and it feels a bit dashed. Again, I thank everyone for their great support on blogland, twitter, (I do not post this stuff on my personal facebook account), texts, and e-mails (you know who you are). My motto of late has been, "venting is a lot better than self-destruction." (truly I've been doing okay for the most part, though there have been moments of just wanting to delve into jigsaw puzzles-always a sign of depression for me or running even though I haven't in like a year-do want to eventually though, and some loss of appetite/weight loss but trying to keep tabs on that)