p90x

******Trigger Warning******

I do not ever try to write triggering posts, but feel the need to put this up just in case as it talks about a specific exercise program.

Recently, I was talking to my veterinarian. It's a bit funny, because she is not one to really talk on the phone unless she has to. However, when it comes to texting, she invariably will text back right away. The conversation was originally about work, then her dog, and then it rerouted to exercising after I asked whether she was/is a runner, something my boss had told me awhile back. I was quite honestly looking for a running buddy. (Right now, it is just Tovah) But she hasn't run in about 3 years and didn't sound like she was going to start right now. However, she asked if I was interested in doing a p90x program with her and another woman from the vet clinic.

I was unfamiliar with this program, though it sounded strangely familiar. I did a quick google search, and yep, it's one of those ones I've seen advertised. Of course, I had to ask people whether they had used this program or knew other people who did. Surprisingly, my dad knew about the program, because one of his friends who is a Navy Seal said they are using that program to get the Navy Seals fit. If you've ever watched the rigorous workouts Navy Seals have to endure, you know they have to be in top physical shape.

In essence, this is a pretty intense workout. You can look at the link above to get a better idea. There is a nutritional component to the program, but I know for sure now I would not be following that but my own anyway.

I'm sure people have a variety of reasons to do this program. Some want to get in better shape, maybe lose baby weight if they recently had a baby (my vet), others want the ultimate beach body, while others may do the program for unhealthy reasons-to indulge their exercising compulsions.

So where do I fit into this list? Well, if I am completely HONEST with myself, it would fall into getting in better shape and probably some exercise compulsion thrown in. If you've been reading this blog, you may be thinking this may not be the best idea since I have some minor injuries and am in physical therapy once again (a whopping 10 exercises to do 1-2x/day--I've been compliant) This has been the same mantra that some of my dear ED recovery buddies have also expressed.

But, and I'm throwing this in as a just for the record, I'm not underweight, eating has been stable (I did have a few weeks of not eating optimally but got myself back on track), and my exercise is limited to 1-2x/week of running at a snail's pace. Also, I do not own the p90x program and will only find out details next week from my vet next week. My vet also knows nothing about my history with ED.

I'm not trying to justify myself here. I was thinking about this more yesterday, and I think the bigger drive here is the feeling of success and accomplishment. When I was training for my marathons a few years ago, there was such a feeling of accomplishment in running faster, beating my time, running up steep hills entirely with no walking, running for long periods of time, etc. I do admit for awhile there was a thinking of being able to run on limited calories, but I quickly learned, I'd hit the inevitable "wall" if I did not eat enough. If you've never hit the "wall," it is an awful feeling of lightedheadness, fatigue, exhaustion, like you're going to fall down, maybe like you're going to vomit, etc. all due to glucose depletion!

Right now in my life, I'm just not feeling like I'm accomplishing anything. Work, well, some of you know about that, is just not going well. When I'm working with dogs and their clients on behavioral issues, socialization, certain tricks or tasks, etc., there has always been a feeling of accomplishment and reward. But right now, I am not working with clients at all.

Although I'm working with dogs in daycare to a degree, mostly on impulse control exercises, learning to be quiet at various noises, learning to go to a mat, to go in their stainless steel kennels at naptime, and basic obedience, it just isn't feeling very rewarding. Perhaps, it is because I feel like I receive no acknowledgement of my efforts. Maybe I feel like I really don't see as many changes as I'd like. One example is with a dog where it took 5 1/2 months to get her to finally go into a kennel at naptime and that was because I started not giving her an option--no force involved just that the only way out was to go into the crate/kennel. It was wonderful when she did it and now she goes in without any problems. I had wanted to share the elated news with the dog's mom, but since I have no client interaction was unable to. And now if I did, I would be horribly reprimanded and punished for it--long story on that. So I'm now left with working with several other dogs who have the same issue but have no clue what their owners are doing at home if anything.

I'm also feeling like a janitor too more than a dog trainer as there just always seem to be an enormous amount of cleaning I do everyday with little to no help.

So going back to the p90x question. Will I do this? I don't know, though I'm quite intrigued with it. I think the bigger question to ask myself is can I hold myself accountable to stop if this is too much? Are the reasons really valid enough to do the program?

PT once again

I posted Body aches a few weeks ago. I decided against the chiropractor for now and instead sought out an orthopedist. I figured it would be good to have one here since it seems to be inevitable I will have a type of musculoskeletal problem at some point. Because I tend to be really picky and choosy about who I see, I read a lot of different bios and ratings. Do other people do this as well? It was interesting because at times, one doctor had an excellent rating on one site but awful on the other. I don't completely rely on these things as they are subjective, but they do give some kind of insight.

I wound up going with a youngish bald-headed dr. who also happened to be a long distance runner. The appt. was yesterday. Overall, his ratings were spot on, and he seemed both nice and informative. He did an initial physical exam. We noticed my left side was considerably tighter than my right. We took x-rays of my left knee, left hip, and back to be on the safe side. Nothing was overtly apparent except gas! That was really embarrassing as I have no clue how or why that showed up other than my meal schedule was off that day.

Anyway, he is thinking it is illiotibial band syndrome. I looked into this previously, but I didn't think I really fit all the symptoms. He recommended a round of 6-8 weeks of physical therapy. In the past, I have found physical therapy to be helpful, but I dread the cost. My insurance sucks and will only cover about $300-$400, the rest is out of pocket. And the only way I can do this with my work schedule is on my lunch hour. My neighbor has agreed to let my dogs out that day, so I feel grateful for that.

If I do not feel better, my symptoms persist, then we'll look at further testing and treatment. There is no reason at this point but to treat it conservatively. There were a few things the Dr. said that rang true: 1) Starting to run will only make you tighter. Thus, it is good to get a handle on this now. 2) IT band syndrome can be a sticky and difficult ailment to treat 3) He said he had many patients who come in and say they tried to heal themselves on their own by reading on the internet how to do IT band stretches, but yet, they are not better and still seeing him!

I actually think this might be good, because ironically it gives me another human connection. I know it sounds odd phrasing it that way, but right now, I have little to none during my work week. At my last physical therapy place, my pt S. and I became good friends. It was fun getting to know her on a personal level as well as helping her out with her dogs.

I remember during one session, I was doing a difficult exercise, and she was timing me. Well, she forgot to tell me when to stop, and I yelled out, "I think it's been like over a minute now." We had funny similar moments like that where we'd laugh and joke around, but at the same time, she pushed me too to higher standards in those sessions and proved to be the best pt I have ever had. We have thus maintained our friendship and continue to e-mail each other. The others in the office were great too, and they all got a chance to know me.

Overall, I am hopeful this will help. I *think* I'm in more pain than I often admit to myself both physically and emotionally, so it's time to do something about it.

Debate: to join running training group or not?

The other day I was at a friend's house dog sitting and happened to see this running newsletter. My friend I know is not a runner, so I guess it must have been her husband's. Anyway, I thumbed through it and noticed that a running training group will be starting for my area in January for an upcoming half and full marathon in the spring.

Wheels turn in my head, should I join or not?

Previously, I ran two marathons last year (that feels like sooo long ago) and ran up until this past May. Then, I took a break from running all together and have not run one iota since. This is a record for me since 2001 maybe? I have, however, been leisurely walking dogs almost everyday which has felt good.

Part of me really wants to join so I can meet some new people around here. The other part of me isn't sure I am ready to be training again. But then again, I was oh so close to qualifying for Boston at my last marathon. While it is true, training did help motivate me towards a goal and fuel myself better, I still had many days of falling into an obsessive route.

I like to think that maybe by joining a group, I might be able to keep a better balance of things, but we all know how easy it can be to lapse into an extra workout here or there, only to wind up having exercise take over a complete pie chart of your life.

So I don't know what to do. I have to decide soon. The informational meeting is tomorrow evening, but I don't think you actually have to confirm and pay until the first workout in January.

I ask you, should Tiptoe join the group and take a chance that she is healthy enough in recovery to keep herself stable? Or should Tiptoe not risk it at all and continue leisurely walking dogs and maybe adding a jog or two here or there? Maybe it's too much right now? Please vote in poll as well as commenting here.

Note: *Just to add, I'm not in any treatment at all right now. Several weeks ago, I actually called C. and told her to close my file since I had no clue when I'd be able to see her again, and it had already been a few months since I had an appt. I know I can reopen my file at anytime, but it is not likely since I am a further distance from her--driveable but difficult.

Feet: an essential body part that needs to be heard

Today was my podiatry appointment. This was a new doctor my physiatrist recommended to me. I'm always a little skeptical since the last ortho doctor turned into an ass. (more here)

In general my foot woes only seem to be slightly better, despite practically non-existent running the last six weeks. I found even after a single run, the next day, walking was painful. If I was on my feet all day or had to do a lot of mowing, that too exacerbated the pain.

The podiatrist was nice and diagnosed me as the same self-diagnosis I gave myself after ruling out a stress fracture and already knowing about the arthritis: capsulitis. So the treatment is to try an over-the-counter orthotic called the powerstep for awhile. It is supposed to raise your arch, stabilize your heel, and give extra cushion. The hope is that it offsets the pressure on my second digit and metatarsal area. If this doesn't work, and the pain continues, then I may have to get custom orthotics.

I also gave in and had a cortisone shot. For some reason, I always associate cortisone shots negatively. I think it is mostly due to hearing about athletes who must workout or compete and then wind up abusing it. So cortisone and meds and such are really the last conservative options for me.

The whole thing that boggles my mind about this is how this could have come up now (nearly three months ago with no stringent training and eating okayish). I posed this question to my physiatrist, and all she said was that it was probably in the making and you didn't know it. For some reason, it's a bit saddening to know I didn't know my body or just ignored it (very typical of me) Not like body image which is distorted, but rather the knowledge of how my body was working physically. It's a reminder how we really do need to listen to our bodies more and feet are no exception.

Gym observations

Awhile back, I posted on "why I don't do gyms," at least in the classical sense of being what I'd call a "gym" rat. I'd rather be outdoors most days exercising than stuck in a gym. In that post, I talked about a specific thin, older woman I saw there. Well, a few days ago, I saw her again. It seems I only see her on one particular day, but that is probably more likely due to our schedules than anything else. For all I know she could be there everyday.

As I entered the fitness room, I kind of cringed when I saw her. At least this time, there was an available elliptical versus having to use a treadmill right beside her like last time. For the most part, I focused on my own workout and didn't pay that much attention to her except in the mirror every so often. I know at one point she left, but then 20 or so minutes later, she was back and continued her treadmill walking. Then, she went to some of the weight machines. She looked incredibly tired, just kind of sitting there all hunched over.

Then, right before she left, she checked herself on the scale. The bottom knob did not move. It was what I expected honestly. I wondered what was going through her mind that moment. Was there a relief that she had not gained weight or remained stable? Was there disappointment for gaining weight or perhaps not gaining weight either. I think the latter is doubtful as she looks just the same four months ago, and if she was trying to gain weight, I'd think there would be some difference.

I don't know her story, so of course I have no right to judge. It's just a simple observation. I find whenever I'm there, I have a tendency to observe a lot of people. This fitness center is family oriented, so I see all shapes and sizes. I notice a variety of things--how long they are there, what machines they tend to use, how they look exercising (are they tired or energized), whether they step on the scale, etc. I'm actually surprised by the latter and just how many people I see weight themselves, both young and old.

And then I wonder as much as I observe other people, how many are watching me?

Note: *The blogger She in China has very funny observations about the gyms in China.seen here and here

Foot woes

I don't think I've mentioned on here my latest foot woes. If you've followed me on twitter or facebook, I have discussed it there in my one liner comments.

This is not my foot but an image from Brittanica

Symptoms: metatarsal pain in left foot, mostly over the second digit and pain in the ball of my foot upon running and/or walking
Duration: longer than a month
X-ray: no stress fracture but only 50% show up anyway
MRI: no stress fracture but arthritis over first metatarsal and bunion (already knew)
Dr.'s advice: DON'T increase your mileage, take an OTC anti-inflammatory consistently, follow-up in a month

When I received the results on Friday about the MRI, a part of me was glad it was not a stress fracture as that would have meant I would have had to completely stop running for probably a month or more. However, another part almost wished it had shown that too. It's not for my usual validation reasons either. But rather, the thought about consequences.

See, if it had been a stress fracture, as much as I would have groaned about not being able to run (both for physical and mental reasons), I would have likely laid off my foot at least for a little while. Now, that it is only arthritis and inflammation, it doesn't seem as crippling. The consequences don't seem as severe.

Athletes and eating disorder individuals alike have a tendency to push our bodies to the limit. How fast and far can we run/exercise? How fast and far can we run/exercise on such little food? How many days can we go without nourishing ourselves? How many times can we purge and still conceivably stand upright? How many things can we pack into one day to consider ourselves successful?

We do this with no real forethought, or I should say the forethought may be there but it gets pushed aside for the ED's wants, needs, and gratifications. I'm sure many can relate. It's a hard boat to row ashore. If we ever want to get better, we have to start thinking about the consequences. The sad thing is that even when we think about the consequences, it doesn't really hit us how badly it can get until we've already reached that point and beyond.

With thinking about the ED and my foot, I had to remind myself of the possible outcomes if I continued to push to reach my optimum level of running. Basically, if I planned on running any marathon this year, that chance could be ruined. So for the next month, as hard as it is for me, I'm going to heed my Dr.'s advice and keep the running to low level mileage.

Note--I was originally hoping to upload the MRI images of my foot, however, it looks like the software is only for hospitals and physicians. I'm hoping to see them on Monday when I visit S., my physical therapist friend, who works at the hospital.

"Human dumbbells"

Thelondonpaper

I ran across this blog post over at RW Daily about a gym where the "iron pumps you." The Londonpaper reports a gym called Gymbox which now offers human dumbbells as an alternative to traditional dumbbells. The proposed idea behind this was to give demotivated cityworkers an idea of what they were lifting. That and to motivate them to pump more iron!

These "human dumbbells" come in various sizes and weights (pictured above) with an optional "motivation feature" in which they yell out words of encouragement to ensure the best maximization of their workout as the gym-goer's request. Examples of words are not given in the article, so who knows whether it's positive or negative words shouted. I wonder how the "human dumbbells" would feel if the gym-goer requested mean, demeaning things to say?

The Gymbox owners says, "We’re going to closely monitor the performance of our members and are optimistic that they will see better results from their work outs with our new human weight machine than they have seen with normal equipment."

I'm all for visualization of some things, and know it can be very useful. However, this seems a bit invasive? But then again, maybe that's just due to my private nature of working out. Maybe a better word is bizarreness. Thoughts?

Do you keep streaks?

The New York Times has an interesting article about a "30-year running streaker." Dr. Harvey Simon, a 66-year old internal medicine physician in Boston, MA, has been running for 30 years consecutively, each and every day. Apparently, Dr. Simon is one one of 30 other streakers, according to the US Running Streak Association. (yes, this is an actual organization!)

In this Wall Street Journal article written by Dr. Simon's journalist daughter, she says:

The streak is too much a part of him. I worry about that sometimes. He's proud of his streak, and I think his running longevity -- the fact that he's prevailed against injury, weather and all the rest -- has strengthened his spirit. He's a born optimist, but the streak has made him even more confident, even more resilient. What will happen when it ends?

On one level, I know that's a ridiculous question. The streak does not define my dad. He still practices and teaches medicine; he still writes and edits. He and my mom take art history courses, study music, volunteer, travel. But still, I worry.

In running -- in streaking, in particular -- my dad has found an outlet to express personality traits that might otherwise stay submerged. He's a humble and reserved man, but his streak is such a goofy accomplishment that he's given himself license to celebrate it.

I think the majority of us would say this man's (and the 30 others in the running streak association) running is based on obsession and lunacy. Yes, they all run for different reasons--communing with God, placing order in their life, problem solving, etc. That is all good and well. However, they also run through wretched and medically unsafe conditions, like in thunderstorms and blizzards, running while holding a catheter!, running through chest pain which turned out to be a heart attack, running with broken toes and other various compromising injuries. The sole reason: to keep the streak alive.

One thing I find incredibly ironic in this article is that this physician has written several books on health and fitness, expressing the importance of moderate exercise. I guess this becomes a "do as I say, not as I do example."

Eight or ten years ago, I would have thought this was an amazing thing. There is no doubt that my relationship with exercise is skewed, and I admit, I still think ultrarunning would be a cool thing to do one day. However, I do understand the mechanisms of the body physically and take rest days. Two is about my maximum before I go completely crazy, but still, I rest anyway. The guilt remains, sometimes denial is added in there too, but it is a step I continue to do, reminding myself it is a good thing.

**********

It's interesting when I think about this whole concept of keeping a streak alive in whatever avenue of life. Most of the time, the idea of a "streak" is about winning. And in many cases, it is certainly seen this way. For instance, for some people an incentive to abstain in self-destructive behaviors like purging and/or drinking, is to hold onto their streak. It provides not only a sense of accomplishment but a purpose of some sorts. Therefore, there is a feeling of winning over the battle of an eating disorder and/or alcoholism.

However, on the flip token, people can also use streaks in self-destructive ways, like in the continuance to starve or exercise obsessively. That, we all know, can lead to many health problems and possible eventual death.

The thing is streaks eventually end whether by personal choice or another occurrence, and then we have to decide what to do or become after those streaks. For some, holding onto those streaks means a lot, and it is difficult to let go of them. For others, it's not as big of a deal, and it's easy to start over or do something completely different. Then, there are those who may break a streak, and have difficulty in deciding what next?

So my question is: do you keep streaks in certain aspects of your life? Do they matter? Do you find them helpful, harmful, or just another added expectation?

Reminding myself why I don't do gyms

Monday was a rather busy day, and I had a lot planned. First on my list was to go to the Pavillion which is like a YMCA/community fitness center equipped with a pool, a variety of classes, and a fitness room. When I signed up to join last year, I mainly went for the pool, so I could do pool running in place of my land runs.


I officially started going back there last week, mainly because I wanted to cross train which is kind of ironic, because I find most stationary equipment incredibly boring. However, since something happens with my right knee after I hit a certain amount of time into my runs, I figured it would be good to give my 'ole body a little break on hard surfaces.


I've never had any problems going to the Pavillion. It's a mixed crowd there with a variety of ages and sizes. Everyone is mostly doing their own thing, so I felt fairly comfortable going. Monday morning was a different story. I decided to test myself on the dreadmill aka treadmill. This is in itself a feat, as I find myself counting the seconds until the time is up.

I got on the machine, set the workout, and started running. To the left of me, there was a woman probably 20? or so years older than me walking. Yes, I noticed how thin she was and the fact that she was wearing jeans and a long sleeve shirt. It really didn't help that she lifted her arms a couple of times either so her shirt rose. I overheard her talk to another girl who asked how much longer she was going to be on there. Her reply "another hour or so." No clue how long she was on there previously to me getting there, but the "another" implicates maybe she had been on there for awhile perhaps.

Though I found this all a little disturbing, what bothered me more was that she kept looking over at me. I don't know what she was looking at--my time, my distance, my speed, my pretty, sweaty face? She did this a number of times during my workout, and it left me feeling very UNCOMFORTABLE. I don't know if there was a hidden competitiveness, intrigue, or what. But I wanted to shout, "Look lady, keep your eyes off me and my machine." And I am rarely the type to ever even consider saying something like that to someone.

As soon as my run was over, I stepped off that machine and finished the rest of my workout on the elliptical, sighing in relief. This was just an odd experience for me. I have never been a gym rat type of person and have always minded my own business. Certainly, I notice how long people might be on a machine as I'm sure other people might have of me, but I don't constantly look at them or feel competitive with them. Maybe it is one reason why I just don't do gyms--always afraid of being "measured up."

How do those of you who to gyms handle this? Does this bother you?

Toddler gym equipment?

image: dailymail

I came across a blog entry in the RW Daily about toddler treadmills. Yes, treadmills for those little tykes to combat childhood obesity. These treadmills first came out in 2006, made by the British company, Gymkids. This company also makes toddler and junior bikes, rowers, steppers, riders, etc. for kids ages 3-11. According to this Canadian article, the bikes even have read outs of time, distance travelled, and amount of energy expended! What young child needs to know that? Better yet, how is this going to help children develop good exercising habits?

This is when I think people need to be reminded of playgrounds, parks, fields to run in, all those sorts of things for young children, not exercise equipment. Children need to be children, not mini adults.

Exercise balance--where is it?

Ever since I was young, I have always exercised in some form. For years, it was gymnastics. After that, it was cheerleading and track and field. In college, it was mostly running and continues to be to this day. Now, I find myself going from recreational runner to more "marathoner" type status if you want to call it that. I find exercise a double-edge sword. I love it for the feelings it brings about--the runner's high, the calmness, the stress relief, the going "into the zone." However, at the same time, there is an obsessional quality to it as well which goes hand in hand with the ED.

Throughout the years, exercise has truly done an up and down type of thing. There were times I'd exercise multiple times a day, other times, I was so demotivated, I did nothing. Then there were other times when I'd go for a run simply due to high amounts of anxiety that only seemed to be suppressed through exercise. I struggle to find this balance and feel OKAY with it.

For example, I recently joined a running challenge. It's good in that it keeps me motivated. I admit I do like seeing my mileage increase, but I also enjoy seeing others joining in the team effort by putting in miles. However, I also feel unworthy in a sense when I have the big goose egg in number of miles. There is no doubt that I know rest is important. But I'm finding it harder to do. Last week, I did take two rest days, knowing I was beginning to fall into this trap. I was okay with that, but this week, it's a struggle.

The last two days, dog obedience classes were cancelled. On Tuesday, I took an evening run since it was cooler. Wednesday was going to be my rest day. Though I did not run, it was all I had to distract myself not to just put on my running clothes and go. Instead, I dremeled the dogs' nails. I was interrupted twice by my dad calling me. After that, I did some much needed weed eating around my place which has now left my left arm numb seriously. So I guess I was successful, but that anxious feeling of knowing I need to put in more miles tomorrow creeps in. I had a planned an early morning run, but I'm not sure I'll make that one since it's already past 1 AM. Therefore, I feel like I just have to suffer through the heat.

So I ask the question, where is the balance?

A few months ago, I read the book, The Exercise Balance.
image: amazon

I thought it might help me with this question. Though it did not answer my question completely for me, it was a nice basic book. The book looks at underexercisers, overexercisers, and normal, balanced exercisers. In each group, the authors, both who have treated eating disorders, talk about the physical, mental, medical issues and give suggestions to find this exercise balance. There are also some good questionnaires to distinguish whether you are an overexerciser which is helpful.

One thing that was interesting was that the authors broke down overexercise into two categories: obligatory and compulsive. The obligatory exerciser must exercise no matter what condition--sickness, illness, changed plans, doesn't matter. Not exercising is not an option. The compulsive exerciser feels compelled to exercise in the same way, duration, and frequency. Individuals can be one or the other or both with some not truly being excessive exercisers. If you are both obligatory, compulsive, and exercise excessively, then you're really screwed, or more like it takes a lot more to overcome the exercise habits.

I never really thought about it broken up like that. I just mashed everything into the category of compulsive exercise. I guess in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter. If you have a problem, you have a problem.

So how do I keep myself in check? I do not want to forgo the running challenge. I need to somehow feel okay with rest days again. I've done it before, so I need to get back to that understanding and acceptance of it. I seem to only get to that point when I'm injured which in essence is too late. I especially need to be able to do this if I am planning a fall marathon and want to be healthy, do well, and be injury-free. :sigh: It's hard sometimes, but I need to sit with those feelings again, maybe journal too again?