Sudden busyness

It is weird, I have not been that busy other than job stuff, but within the last two days, boom, it just got busy, a bit overwhelming, and complicated. Some of the stuff is just due to procrastination, like getting my taxes done. I am determined to do that this weekend. I have also put off watching some dvds that I've had for some time. However, since I'm going to a dog seminar next Friday, and the presenter is the one who is in the dvds, it would be helpful for me to watch them. The dvds accumulate to 12 hours, so it's a big chunk of time.

Those are the procrastination ones. Now, the other stuff just came out of the blue. I met with a temp agency this week for a position with Cirque du Soleil which is coming into town. Most of these jobs are hospitality type jobs which I honestly have no experience in, so I signed up for the one that seemed easy, straight forward, not a big problem--an usher. Though not glamorous by any means, it is something. It'll be for 2 1/2 weeks or so in mid-April to May. What I really thought would have been a fun job was to be a costume dresser, but I have zilcho sewing skills. I'd also be horribly afraid of screwing up a costume or something, so way too much pressure for me there. Still though, to be backstage, talking with the cast would have been so fun. In some ways, I hope this temporary job will be a way to network with others.

The downside of this is that I will have to buy more clothes. If you remember awhile back I had to buy khaki pants for work which I wound up not using since the dress code got changed to jeans. Although it is nice to have khaki pants for various occasions, I would have only bought 1 pair versus 3. The dress code for this temporary job is all black, including socks. I have 1 pair of black pants and a few black hose type socks, and that's it. Typically, I do not wear much black due to dog hair magnetism. Despite keeping lint brushes around, it is never possible to remove all the dog hair. And Tovah and Hank are blowing coat, so black is not a helpful color to be wearing.

Therefore, I will have to buy black pants, tops, and shoes (I have a pair of black, but they have a heel) by Wednesday's dress rehearsal. Really, I'm not looking forward to it. Not because of body image insecurities (yay me!), but rather because it takes a lot of time and money that I'd rather spend elsewhere. At least there are some decent outlets around here, so I'll be going there first.

The other issue is that I had already signed up for a specific dog seminar that will be in town in May. However, it coincides with the temporary job position. I think I've found a way to work this out, so I'm crossing my fingers it will work.

The rest is neverending with job stuff, laundry, cleaning, reading, working with the dogs, meeting with the running group, appointments with the dentist and dermatologist this month, etc. And for some reason, this entire week, I've had headaches which is really odd. Headaches are very atypical for me, so I'm hoping it is just a weather thing.

All in all though, I'd rather be somewhat busy than have nothing at all. But I do think I'm going to need to start scheduling myself better and getting up earlier. :sigh:

Shopping revisited

In less than a month, I'm going to my annual dog conference. For those of you who have been following my blog for awhile, this is a conference I've gone to for the past six of seven years. The conference tends to have1000+ people come from all over the world and have world class speakers in the field of dog training, education, and veterinary practice. Over the years I've begun to come out of my shell and have established myself as an important member of the conference staff. Last year was what I call "my break out" year. And this year I had the big task of writing work plans for the off-site workshops--8 total, I'm writing 6 of them It's been exciting being in collaboration with some well known speakers. I still get starstruck at times. There is still a lot of work to do as we have run into snafus, but it'll all get done.

This year the conference is in Hotlanta (Atlanta), though in October, it shouldn't be too hoot. I've been informed that our uniform has been changed. We are no longer allowed to wear jeans but rather khakis or something similar. I think this was mostly due to the fact that the board of directors felt like we as "staff" should stand out more. So, this means I do actually have to go shopping again. I have two pair of wearable khakis (one is a very nice pair so do not want to take with me). I realized one pair I got last time had a big pen mark on the butt. I have no clue how I missed this-this was a thrift store buy so returning it is not an option.

Several months ago, I talked about the lost causes of shopping. At the time, I had to shop for some khaki pants at work. Several of my fabulous readers gave me great comments in the next post where I recapped my shopping adventures. This attire policy has since been revoked, and I now get to wear jeans every day along with my beige logo polo shirts. This suits me fine, honestly, because though khaki pants are okay, with dogs, it just equates to mess, dirt, and a lot of hair. An example--we have a Siberian Husky/Border Collie cross who sheds an entire small dog when she is at daycare. I'd post a pic of her, but that photo is not on this computer. She has the coolest looking eyes I have ever seen on a dog--literally one eye is half blue, half brown top to bottom; while the other eye is exactly opposite.

Anyway, so I have to gear myself up once again to go shopping. You'd think that after my last shopping excursion, I'd feel good about this. But really I'm still not feeling totally comfortable enough in my body to just go out and shop. It seems to take planning, deliberation, and a lot of patience. And there are a million and one things I'd rather be doing/have to do than planning a shopping trip. We have events and many classes going on at work, need to get my hair cut, many things to do with the house, yard, etc. Btw, did I mention my tadpoles have still not grown? I had to add more water (had to dechlorinate it) since we have had sparse rain here. Therefore, I can't clean out the pond yet.

So I don't know if the issue is really just a time factor/don't want to deal with it issue or more of a body image one. The latter seems to surface more when I am faced with shopping or dressing for something out of the ordinary, etc. I know I would feel a little better if I was just moving more, but I've turned that into a when do I really find the time excuse issue. That brings up another set of thoughts as well reserved for a a post for another day.

I guess I'm just looking for some rah rah rahs for shopping and encouragement. As we say in dog training, it is often times harder to change the emotion than just the behavior.

Surviving some shopping

A few weeks ago I talked about how I was dreading shopping. I still am, but I truly want to try to get some of it done and not procrastinate like I usually do. I think that would just leave me more anxious and frazzled to find khaki pants that I liked and fit.

After taking advice from those who commented on the post above, the weekend before last, I decided to shop a little--mostly just browsing stores. For some reason, I had thought there was an Ann Taylor store in the mall, but it was a Ying's Loft. I stupidly curiously thought it might be similar to Ann Taylor Loft, but I was wrong. I walked through quite a few stores but didn't find anything that would remotely work except for a nice pair of Gap khaki pants that ironically I found at a thrift store for $2.25. That was a serious score!

So I was a bit bummed and had not planned on going shopping this past weekend due to feeling bloated, gross, and fat. I don't know what overcame me, but I wound up shopping anyway. I think my logic was that I had time on Sunday to go, so I thought I'd browse a few stores. I went to a different center this time and went into an Eddie Bauer, Banana Republic, and an Ann Taylor Loft. I figured I was bound to find something, or at least I prayed I'd find something that would look okay and hide all my appropriate body conscious areas.

All the stores in general, the pants were way too long. The Ann Taylor store was the only one that had a petite section, but the people there were the least friendly and helpful. I did manage to find one pair of khaki in a petite size, but even that was too long. I went ahead and got them, figuring I can fold the cuff underneath.

Eddie Bauer had a pair of khaki I liked, but did not fit well in the hip area. Overall, they had the most clothes that I wanted to try on (Banana Republic was a close second) but none fit exactly. It was interesting how even if I got the same size, the fit would be entirely different depending on the style. This made sense to me but not the actual size. Like I could get size X in one pant and that would fit. But in a different one, the same size X would be too small or I'd be swimming in them. The girl who was helping me was very nice and explained the different pant styles to me. Unfortunately, since everything was like a foot long, and there were not petites there, the only thing she could offer was to help me with a catalogue order which does run petite sizes. I decided to wait and see the other stores since that was my first store.

At Banana Republic, there was surprisingly a good selection of pants--yes a tad on the expensive side but I tried not to look at that number too closely. Since I hadn't tried on pants in any of these stores, I guessed on my size which wasn't too far off the mark from what I thought. I tried on a number of pants at B.R. and found two pairs I liked--one was a khaki pair, and the other was a nice, black pair. The person helping me was a guy (pretty sure he was gay--was the mustard yellow V-neck sweater and high pitch voice a give away?) who was very nice. After trying on the items, I told him I liked them, but they were all incredibly long. He said B.R. gets that a lot, so it's one reason why they send out their garments for alterations.

I decided to go ahead and get the khaki and black pants and get them altered. I had to put them back on, so he could pin them for me. That was kind of a weird feeling for me, not exactly sure why. Maybe it felt different that it was someone else pinning me other than my mom? Plus, I was on a pedestal too. I had to restrain myself from asking him how he thought I looked, just you know for a second opinion.

At check out, I got talked into getting a B.R. card, so I saved an additional 15% today, along with 30% off on the khaki pants. The black pants weren't on sale though. It was pricier than I thought, but I'm reminding myself that they are good quality, look nice, and will last awhile. The only thing I worry about is that the khaki pants might be too nice. After all, I am still working with dogs.

Overall, the shopping experience wasn't too bad. The anxiety didn't completely consume me, but I did find myself taking a huge breath and closing my eyes before I tried on each pair of pants. Then, I had difficulty scrutinizing if the pants really looked okay or it was just my imagination; hence, why I thought about asking the guy at B.R. for a second opinion. I guess the positive, take away message was that I didn't have a meltdown like I thought I might have, that I managed to get through it. Afterwards, I have to say, I was wiped out, completely exhausted. That just took a lot more mental energy than I anticipated!

One thing I still realize is that my body distortion, though a little better from past years, is still way off from how others perceive me. I continued to get one remark on my body size over and over, and I have a hard time believing it. :sigh: I just don't see it.

In total, I have found three pair of khaki pants, plus one pair I already had. I'm debating if this is enough or if I still need to continue shopping? I have to wear khaki pants 6 days/week for over 12 hours/day.

Note--*I'd have more photos, but for some reason, I could not find the khaki pants styles I bought on the B.R. and Ann Taylor websites. The photo above is the black pair from Banana Republic but the khaki look similar.

*I am still not a fan of dressing room mirrors, but the ones at Eddie Bauer's and Banana Republic's did seem better than most stores.

*I had one funny moment while trying on pants. I accidentally got a pair of khaki pants that was apparently for "skinny legs." I did not realize this until putting it on. I kind of chuckled, asking "how in the world do they think a leg can fit through that when it's the size of an arm? This was a lot better than berating myself on why my [insert obscenity, denigrating body thought] leg could not fit through it.

Shopping is a lost cause

Well, it's now inevitable. I must buy khaki pants for work very soon. All the red tape that needed to be done has been finalized, so now we are good to go. This would be even greater news if I did not have to buy khaki pants. My boss has decided we are wearing khaki pants and beige color shirts with our logo to look "professional." I agree, it does look more professional than jeans. Normally, khaki is a universal color that goes with anything except that our beige shirts resemble closer to the khaki color, so there is hardly any contrast.

This post isn't really about the khaki pants. It's more about the fact that I have to go shopping now, and like many of us who have been through this peril, I am dreading it. It would be one thing to find one pair of khaki pants, but I have to find multiple ones to wear every day of the week. I guess the plus is that I won't be having to do as much laundry. :grin:

This shopping trip is compounded by the fact that I'm just having some major body image blues. Now, I know that in recovery, body change is inevitable. For a lot of us, it is is one of the hardest issues to deal with. I've always felt a bit out of place with this, because I never really had to go through a huge weight restoration process like many people I know. Instead, my weight has fluctuated a bit--enough to be noticeable but not drastic. Therefore, any body change I've had has been very subtle. And this is the issue lately.

I remember a video awhile back that Jenni Schaeffer did titled "My thighs touch" In it, she said how she actually liked that her thighs touched.--that it represented being healthy, recovered, and free of her ED. At the time, I thought this was great. But then, that happened to me, and I no longer had that gusto feeling of "recovery" and being happy with my body. Instead, I've felt terribly uncomfortable about it and just the thought of shopping gives me shivers.

I know I'm probably making a bigger deal out of this than it is. And although I've never cried during a shopping visit, I'm afraid this may be my first. I should also note that I always have a difficult time finding clothes anyway. With pants, if the waist fits, the legs are too tight, and the pants are too long. If the waist doesn't fit, the legs fit comfortably, but the pants are too long. Invariably, when I go shopping, I wind up trying on many clothes. Also, with khakis, I am horribly picky. Besides the fit, it must look "right" with pockets in the back, no side pockets unless laid correctly, flattering on the stomach/hip area, no pouchiness anywhere. If you think this is bad, just imagine jeans shopping with me. Who on earth would even want to clothes shop with me with all these stipulations on clothing? By the end of these fiascoes, I normally walk away with nothing and feel unsatisfied that nothing looked right. Or better yet that my body hated me enough to not fit into anything properly.

I know I have several weeks until I will need the khaki pants. On one hand, I don't want to procrastinate the shopping trip,but on the other hand, I'm suddenly afraid my thighs will suddenly turn into a massive thunder thigh look if I wait too long. :sigh: I feel like I don't win either way.

Oh wait minute, aren't I supposed to be working on that self acceptance concept? Oh right, that thing.