Asymmetry of perfectionism

A few weeks ago, I decided I needed to get a new pair of running shoes. Though the pair I'm currently wearing are not completely worn out, they will be soon. It's typical that if I'm training for a race that I need shoes about every 5-6 months. Some say the magic number is after 400 miles. Anyway, as usual, this was not an easy task. Most places just don't carry my size (I have small, wide feet), but the running shop where our running group meets from, ordered me a few pairs to try on. It was highly surprising to me that my feet were barely a 5. I thought they were at least 5 1/2 since I have worn 6s for years. And actually yesterday I found out my left foot is smaller than my right foot--more on that later. The weird thing was that when I tried on the 6s, it felt perfect in my left foot, but my right foot felt like it was swimming. Then, when I tried on the 5 1/2s, the right foot felt perfect, but my left foot felt tight.

Normally, I would have stayed with the 6s except that I have developed calluses on the ball of my feet, especially during long runs. My feet literally kill me, and I can barely walk. So I thought maybe I had been wearing the wrong size for years as this is typical of many women who buy shoes, according to the running people at the store. They find woman do not want to wear a half size larger.

I decided since I had some pain after a short run with the 5 1/2s that I'd better wait before dishing out the money. Instead, I made a podiatry appt. with a podiatrist who gave a short talk back in the fall to our running group. He immediately remembered who I was too, asking whether the dog (Tovah) was still running with me.

After his foot tests, a number of things were revealed:

• My left leg is longer by about 3 cm compared to my right (I knew one leg was a little longer but couldn't remember which one)
• My right foot measures right at a 5, my left foot is a little smaller.
• The second digit on my left foot sticks up (apparently this is a deformity some people have) which causes more pressure to my metatarsal area. Since I have bunions on both my feet, they do not absorb the pressure well, thus the only place to go is in the balls of my feet. And since the left second digit is deformed, that foot has more pressure and actually stays longer on the ground than my right foot. A few years ago, I had metatarsal inflammation in the same area.
• My right foot over the metatarsal area is wider than my left foot.
• My left foot over the midsole area is slightly larger than my right foot.
• I pronate slightly on my left foot but supinate slightly on my right foot--basically my body's way of balancing itself out.

The treatment plan is custom orthotics, depending on how much insurance will cover. They run anywhere from $300-400, though they last at least 2-3 years. In the mean time, I have some metarsal pads to wear in my shoes, and a little lift in my right shoe. These will both be added into the orthotics as well.

So why did I mention all this weird stuff with my feet? The podiatrist said something interesting to me during our appt. He was telling me how "some people who run 100s of miles have bodies that are built for it. Their bodies just don't seem to break down. But most people have all these small idiosyncrasies that when added together affect us. If you keep looking close enough, you are going to find them."

This is so true. We are made up of many small imperfections if you want to call it that. What I think is ironic is how many people quest for the perfect body but yet do not even think about these small things necessarily. And what I mean about small are, I have one toe larger than the other, one side of my nose is larger than the other, one leg is smaller than the other, etc. You get the picture.

Now, of course, there are people who do focus on these small imperfections and go to extremes--those with BDD come to mind, but mostly people will say, "I want to be thinner, I want to have flat abs, I want to tone up, etc." It's all generalizations to find the quest for perfect, but in reality, there is No Perfect. Because if we were truly perfect, and I'm thinking about this in a scientific way, everything would be the same and symmetrical, there would be no room for error, no flaws, no nothing. Even those like Angelina Jolie who some people say are beautiful, probably has some sort of asymmetry going on.

The other thing about this whole asymmetry thinking is that it is likely that some of them are out of your control. That means, you were born with them, they make up who you are--unique, different, and beautiful too.

So, I know this is a bit long-winded. It was just an interesting point to think about. How many of us really think about symmetry in our bodies, or even how it may affect us? Maybe that is really the "perfection" we are all looking for.

My thoughts on Black Swan

Niko Tavernise via Fox Searchlight

I'm finally getting around to writing my thoughts on the movie Black Swan. Though I'm a month late in writing this, I figured this would be a good time since the Golden Globes are on tonight. Black Swan is nominated for 4 Globes, and Natalie Portman is the favorite in the best actor category. By the way, I think this will be her first real public showing with the new "bun" in the oven so to speak.

Anyway, it is interesting, because although I had known about Black Swan being an Oscar contender way before its actual release date, it wasn't until about a week before its limited release that it began to garner a huge amount of press. I first heard about the lengths which Natalie Portman went through for the role in this Fresh Air interview with Terry Gross (as you can tell I listen to a lot of NPR ;-)) Then, there were a slew of other articles which came out about "discipline", possible encouragement of eating disorders, etc. This movie was quite the buzz, especially for body image/eating disorder advocates, the pro-ana movement, and the ballet world. More attention was given with the New York Times ballet critic Alastair Macauley' s disparaging remark of Jennifer Ringer's body "looking as if she'd eaten one sugar plum too many" in his review of the Nutcracker. With all this press, would it cause more people to actually see the movie?

I do not know the actual figure count into how many people have seen the movie. Critics have given it quite a number of accolades. People, in general, however have viewed it with mixed reactions. One dog trainer I know on facebook (she is not into tutus, frills, or ballet) wound up loving it, relating it to the movie Stigmata. A number of reviews I've seen by other people thought the movie was good, but it wasn't one they would necessarily see again.

Here's my take, it was a good movie, Natalie Portman portrayed the role of Nina well, but it is not a movie for everyone. I still have some mixed feelings about it since it does show an exaggerated, albeit dark side to the world of ballet. A few Canadian professional ballet dancers explain it well here. Also, I think some of the sexuality in the film could have been toned down. I just didn't see it as necessary, but then again this is Hollywood, and drama brings in big bucks.

In terms of the "encouragement" of eating disorders, I had a hard time seeing that. Yes, there were several food scenes where Nina hardly ate or just took a taste of congratulatory cake her mom had brought her, scenes of purging (though this seemed a lot more due to nervousness, worry than a feeling of fat). The dancers in general were thin--overly I don't think but then again my view of thin may be different from what someone else sees. The thing about whether this movie would be triggering, well, it depends on how you look at it. Some may see it as glorifying eating disorders if that is what they are looking for; while others view it vastly differently in that it gives just an opposite opinion. You have to decide for yourself on that one.

In terms of themes, the movie portrays a number of them, including dedication, physical price for an art, obsession, paranoia, an overcontrolling parent, and most of all perfection. Throughout the movie, you hear Nina say, "I just want to be perfect." It becomes an all consuming adjective that many of us can relate to. Natalie Portman portrays this well in the role--to the point of craziness with hallucinations, delusions, and paranoia. In the end, she sacrifces herself for it with her last line, "I was perfect." Some might call this melodramatic or over the top, but really what is shows is the idea that when you become so wrapped up in something, you lose yourself figuratively and possibly literally.

There are a few other stand out quotes from the movie, both said by Thomas Leroy, the ballet director in the movie. "The only person standing in your way is you" and "Perfection is not just about control...It's also about letting go."

These remind me a lot of recovery--that there is something to be said for letting go to be perfect. Perfectionism isn't just about the aspects of restraint and control but also to feel, to have balance in your life, to realize there is a lot out there rather than the bubble we may place ourselves in, etc. I hope we can eventually all get outside our insular bubble before we lose ourselves or have the inability to grasp it again within reach.

Notes--Fox Searchlight site has a a lot of good info. about insight into the movie. I was also really glad that although the actors took a very strenuous approach for these roles, they were able to quickly get themselves to a healthier state. One thing Natalie did say in an interview which I do not think all actors do is that when she finishes a scene, she goes back to herself. I think this helped her not fall into an ED victim with extreme dieting and exercise.

The perfection model of binge eating

Most of us know about the correlations between perfectionism and anorexia and bulimia, however, a new study is looking at binge eating. Simon Sherry, a graduate student at the University of Dalhousie, recently published a study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, explaining the perfectionism model of binge eating. (PMOBE) "According to the PMOBE, perfectionism confers vulnerability to binge eating by generating encounters with and by magnifying responses to specific triggers of binge eating: namely, perceived discrepancies, low self-esteem, depressive affect, and dietary restraint." (from Sherry's dissertation of PMOBE)

To test this theory, 566 undergraduates completed a web-based structured daily diary for 7 days. Results indicated that individuals who had socially prescribed perfectionism (SPP), a type of perfectionism when one feels others are evaluating them critically, were more at risk for binge eating through triggers versus those who had self oriented perfectionism (SOP), perfectionism where one is self critical. It is also noted that perfectionism in general harbored exposure to binge eating triggers, however, it was not of the same magnitude. More specific information on the study can be read at the above link (all 259 pages!)

The significance of this study is that it shows a wider variation of perfectionists other than the typical anorexic which has been revealed through much literature. Although this study makes sense, at the same time, I don't think a lot of people would guess perfectionism, especially the SPP type, would be associated with binge eating. These researchers hope that this will result in better care, assessment, and treatment to help perfectionists with disordered eating.

Other information at: Binge eating: when perfection unravels
Perfectionism in women with binge eating disorder