A bizarre highlight: dog cookies!

I know this will sound hilarious to most of you, but this was one of the highlights of my week. Seriously, these cookies which are for dogs are so tasty for humans too! These cookies are nice, because The Three Dog Bakery uses carob which is similar to chocolate but has no theobromine which is the toxic agent to dogs.

When I told my mom I found some of these very cheaply at a discounted store this week ($2 when they are usually $5), she was literally going to check to see if her local store had them. This is how good theses cookies are.

Then, I had mentioned awhile back to my neighbor's kids (these are the 4 kids who live beside me and love my dogs except they can't pet them since the little boy is allergic to dogs) that there were actually dog cookies humans could eat too. They were so intrigued by this idea and would ask me periodically if I had any.

Needless to say, they were thrilled I had them. They asked their dad if they could have one (it's a bit funny because they knew their mom would likely say no, especially since the day before, the little boy wanted to eat the turkey/cranberry dog treats). They each had one cookie and exclaimed "they taste like oreos!"

Anyway, after my busy week, this was a nice ending.

p.s.--T., the little boy who is allergic to dogs said to me the other day:

"Tiptoe, if I wasn't allergic to dogs, would you bring the dogs over here?" My reply was yes, and I know the dogs would enjoy it. He then went on to mention underground fencing which I am opposed to, but we didn't get into that deeply other than it could possibly change the behavior of the dogs.

Spring, kids, and sweet gestures

Spring is finally arriving here--crocuses and daffodils are blooming. And with spring, all the neighbors begin to come out from winter hibernation. One neighbor, I saw with a new dog who was apparently pulling her like a freight train to the edge of my yard. She's had the dog since Nov/Dec., and it is now 5 months old--my guess a Hound/Pointer X. This was the first time I actually met the woman since I moved here. She and her husband also have a Boxer who I have met a few times since he got out of his yard to come visit my dogs.

The kids on the other side of me are out more as well. Since I've been home in the evening, I often see them out when they have finished their homework. I've never considered myself a "kid" person per se, but many people do say I do well with kids. I remember when I first looked at this house, the grandmother was here taking care of her grandchildren. One child who was 2 1/2 or so used to lead me around, showed me his room, his toys, etc. On one occasion, he even wanted me to sit and watch a dvd with him. The grandmother asked me if I had kids. I said no, only dogs. She was surprised, saying that I seemed so good with them.

Now, the kids beside me took to talking to me quickly. But the thing that I love about these particular kids are they are such nice, pleasant children to be around. They love to come out when they see me with the dogs. Whenever their friends come over, they are quick to point out all the dogs' names, that Daphne is deaf, so she can't hear you, etc. They love watching the dogs run and get the ball. They try calling the dogs--"To-bah, Hankie come here" and getting them to do tricks. The dogs are not always as responsive as I'd like, but it's mostly because they haven't had enough other people ask them things. Plus, there is a fence between us, so that makes it a little more difficult. Although yesterday, they loved the fact that they got to use the chuck-it to throw the ball for the dogs. They each took turns, giggling after each throw, and had a ball of a time. Luckily, Tovah was a little tired by then, so she brought the ball back to me better. LOL

Besides knowing all about the dogs, these kids are also social. They tell me about their days at school, facts they've learned, their likes, their dislikes, and other miscellaneous things. They even show me cheerleading cheers they've learned and ask me all kinds of questions. It's so sweet.

The other day, E., the second youngest, ran inside and got hostess cupcakes for their afternoon snacks. E. hands me one.

Me: Why don't you keep it for yourself and save it for later?
E: Still holding out the cupcake.
Me: Do you want me to have it?
E: Nods her head yes.
Me: Are you sure:
E: Nods her head.
Me: Okay, I'll take it then. Thank you.
E: You're welcome. This was said to the best I could tell. Her enunciation is still not quite there.

It was one of those moments where I thought, how could I not take this even if I am not a big Hostess cupcake eater? She is graciously offering it to me. Now, of course, her mom may have told her to give this to me. But whatever the case, it was sweet and nice of them to think about me. And I actually liked that they had a Hostess cupcake rather than just an apple or something. It's good to be healthy of course, but it's good to have balance too.

You can check out other posts about these children here, here, and here.

Adventures from Atlanta

Anyone remember me? I just checked the last time I posted, and it was two weeks ago. It feels like an eternity! I got back from the dog conference late Monday evening and have been trying to recuperate and catch up the rest of the week.

Overall, the conference itself was fabulous. There was a total of 1286 registered attendees throughout the 5 days. The feedback has been great so far, and some feel like it was one of the best conferences in several years.
It helped in that we had some new, fun things for attendees to do like a Bingo game for the conference puppies (1st time conference attendees) with great prizes and held a silent and live auction, raising over $20K for the new foundation. Who would have ever thought dog trainers had that type of money?

So here's a rundown of the conference:

Positives:

• Met some amazing, new people and reconnected with old, wonderful friends
• Another conference staff person gave me chocolate in my box on the last day. It warmed my heart and made me feel kind of special.
• There was no bickering or arguing with any of the conference staff people. This seemed a great feat with 18 of us. Everyone got along well and helped one another out
• Seminars were top notch as always
• Off-site workshops went really well. The feedback has been great from attendees. This one is dear to my heart, because I put a lot of work and effort into organizing everything.
• Trade show was awesome as usual. I bought some new toys for the dogs, a toy and harness for Clover, and some books
• Drank a new drink--a blueberry dream. This was funny, because I told the cash bar guy that I did not know drinks well but wanted something sweet and with vodka. So, he made me a pretty drink he called a blueberry dream. It was very good--had a bit of pina colada taste
• Well known dog trainers recognized me from the conferences. I received an invite from one to visit her and hugs from others. It felt slightly star struck.

Negatives:

• Several people fell at one of the off-site locations on my watch on the same set of stairs. Ugh! One had an abrasion to her head which required us to call the paramedics to have her checked out, the other skinned her elbow and knee.
• I had to scold one attendee for trying to handle a dog when she had only paid to be an observer. I must have told her like 5 times, and she just rolled her eyes at me. I was not thrilled by this. I relayed the story to the rest of the staff when I got back which somehow turned into a story that I nose punched someone! LOL We all joked about this one.
• Sleep deprivation
• The food! (see below)
• My friend's car broke down (see below)
• My parent's fed Clover dog food, not her pellets all week! I was aghast by this. Luckily, she did not die and there is no major effect, but she was rounder than when I left. I was really upset with my parents by this since I had specific written out instructions. I guess next time, I will have to pre-package her food like I did with the dogs.

I was amazed that there were hardly any vegetarian options at all. Seriously, this was downtown Atlanta! My dinner on the first night was a chef salad without the meat or cheese (they put it on anyway). The portion size was not even big enough for Clover! I felt worse for another staff person who was a strict vegetarian and had even less options available.

It wasn't until Friday that I had a "real" meal. And that was only because I insisted with the other staff people that we needed to order in or something. We had Chinese delivered. The last day, we went to a very good seafood restaurant a few blocks away from the hotel.

Though I did bring clif/luna bars, animal crackers, granola bars, etc., it really wasn't enough. A few people did notice, including my new Canadian friend who stuffed a few bananas in my box when I complained there were no bananas! She told me had she been at the hotel all that day, my box would have been completely full! She was also the one who gave me the chocolates on the last day which wound up being my lunch on Sunday.

This trip did result in some weight loss and GI issues. I've been trying to get myself back on track this week. Slowly, I'm getting there but my GI issues have remained. It's annoying how just a week of crappy/non-substantial eating messed up my system.

The other thing I still recognize is that my body perception is still distorted. I mentioned to a staff person how dog trainer A and B were so small and thin, and they'd chime in, saying I was included in that group. I truly don't know if I will ever truly feel differently about my body. It's a terrible conundrum to still think you are fat when logically you know you really are not.

The other big negative issue was that my friend's car broke down on our way back from Atlanta to my house. It was 1:30 AM, and her car started to rumble with an oil light appearing. We pulled over. She added oil, but the car would not start at all. Fortunately, my mom kept the premier AAA membership, so they came to tow us to a nearby hotel. We got into the hotel about 3:30 AM and were whipped.

The next day, we had them tow us to a repair place. After they looked at it, they said it was an engine problem and there were some other issues as well. The cost was $5100 to replace the it. My poor friend was in tears. She called her family, I called my dad, and we found some other options available.

By late afternoon, we were on the road to my house in a rental and got there late that evening. It was great that my friend got to meet my doggie crew, my bunny, and my mom. Even though this was quite an unpredictable adventure, I am truly glad I was with my friend when her car broke down. I just think how awful it would have been to be broken down on the side of the road, late at night, having to sit and wait for a tow truck all alone. I think in the end, she was thankful too.

So now, it is back to reality and catching up on everything. Next year, the conference will be in San Diego! Hopefully, I'll be able to attend as I'd love to visit there.

Ok Go video

In case you have not seen this dog video yet, it is great. This video is impressive in that it was shot on one take with no editing. But more than that, it wasn't about perfection, but more that these dogs were having fun, something we all need to do.

The line between fear and phobia

I know I've talked about the neighbor's kids who live beside me before (here and here), and I probably will do so for some time. I truly marvel at them, just observing how innocent and free they are at this age (kids are ages 1, 4, 5, and 6 or 7) and I love the fact that I have the chance to actually watch them grow up. The kids now know all my dogs and me by name, including any new dog I may have (currently, taking care of G., Cammy's dog). They remember that Daphne is deaf, they know how to ask them for a sit, they ask me questions--sometimes slightly awkward ones like "what is G. doing to Tovah?" (my answer, "we call that piggybacking"), etc. The only sad part is that the little 5-year old boy (T.) is very allergic to dogs but he loves them. Because he is so allergic, he cannot have them licking him. He even reacts if his siblings have been around dogs, and they've washed their hands well. I've heard him say to them out of fear not to get too close, so he doesn't have a reaction. Poor thing. His mom fears that he may develop a phobia, because he worries that a dog will lick him. And I worry that later in life there could be resentment from his siblings or guilt from him as all the kids loves dogs and other animals.

*I'll just put a warning here that this talks about past ED life so if you happen to feel triggered, just don't read the next few paragraphs* I try to be careful with this stuff, as that's the last thing I would want to do. There are no numbers, just a few details.

This whole scenario with him made me think back both to a time period when I was very restrictive and also early in recovery. Though they are not synonymous, they are related. This specific active restrictive period happened so quickly that I hardly knew what was going on. By this time, fluid intake was the only thing my body was existing on. This was probably the worst starvation period I had during my entire ED life. I would open the fridge/pantry, look at food, really think I should eat it, really wanted to, but the fear had already developed into a serious phobia. This phobia wasn't just a specific food or food group, it was any food, including foods like vegetables which had been my safe food staple. All I could do at the time was cry. I talked to my therapist and told her how deathly phobic I was of food, but she encouraged me to try bland foods as such in the BRAT diet which stands for bananas, rice, applesauce, and toast. This used to be a diet prescribed for those with GI problems but no longer is due to its nutritional deficiency. My therapist at the time, just wanted to get me to eat something, saying off hand that if I continued this way, I would wind up in the hospital.

I'm not sure what helped eased me back into eating foods again. I know it was a slow process and each bite was difficult wrought with tears and made me feel more bloated. At the time, like many with EDs, my stomach was distended, and I had an awful flatulence problem. (I realize this is a bit TMI but seriously I have still always wondered exactly why this happens as no food was entering my stomach) It was not easy by any means, but small bite by bite, I did manage to lessen my phobia of food. By then, I was able to find my way back to eating something, even if it was a return to my staple foods.

This type of phobia differs from my early recovery when it wasn't a phobia of food, but rather fear of eating certain items--that I'd balloon up, that I may binge, or that if I added in exercise, I'd become compulsive again. This type of fear hasn't felt as rigid as my ED restrictive phase. After all, I was still eating, but just limited in both quantity and variety. This fear felt easier to manage and get past than the consuming fear of all foods which of course makes sense.

Another point this reminds me of is how easy it is for many of us with/who have had eating disorders can go from fear to phobias. As Carrie has been writing in her relapse prevention series this week, it is important to watch for our own signs of when we may be heading in the wrong direction. I know for me personally, the fear to phobia thinking doesn't take long, though I'd say certain factors have to be in place for that to happen. Therefore, it is important for me to remain vigilant. Though I know completely recovered doesn't elude me, I still know I'm not there yet. My hangs up there, just a little intense than they've been in the past.

So going back to little T., it is important for him to remain vigilant around dogs due to his severe allergies, but at the same time, I hope his fear won't turn into a phobia. It would be sad for him to live a life of a phobia of dogs when it is something he enjoys so much. He even recently got his face painted like a dog! Only time will tell what will happen. I'm hopeful he will outgrow his allergy to dogs (he's also allergic to some other things), but that's up in the air for now.

Nice smiles

I had two smiley moments yesterday and today (Tuesday). After I went shopping for some flowers, I saw a double rainbow, the first of the season! Unfortunately, I didn't have my camera to take a photo.

Then, this evening when I got home from work and let the dogs outside, I noticed the neighbors with the children. outside. I spoke about them in my first exposures post. I heard the little boy talking to his dad about my dogs. He was telling his dad that Hank was the one who barks and only has half a tail. Then, he told his dad that Daphne could not hear and that we had to use hand signals with her. He tried to show his dad the cue for her sit which was actually a down, but this was all so sweet. I showed him the hand cue for a sit and told him he was really close.

I was amazed that he remembered, especially since he was the child who wasn't able to pet the dogs due to his allergies. But he, nonetheless, listened intently.

It really made me smile, and I know he was smiling too.

First exposures

Over the last few weeks, I've been working on a new "puppy prep" powerpoint for one of our seminars. We find that the majority of owners have no clue what puppies involve, so we thought this would be a good educational tool. Our seminars are only 90 min. sessions, and there is a lot of information in each one. It's difficult to cram everything into that time frame, but I do my best to hit the high points and not go into multitudes of detail.

The biggest thing we stress as dog trainers is socializing your puppy. This is essentially getting your puppy used to "first exposures" in everything--humans of all sizes, shapes, and ages, other dogs, other animals, a variety of objects, etc. Because puppies go through several "fear" periods during their life, we want them to have positive associations to these exposures. We find that puppies who have this early socialization grow up to have better manners, have more confidence, and are less likely to be relinquished by their owners (we won't get into the stupid reasons why people decided to surrender their pet. I've heard everything from "the puppy got bigger" to "I had no more room" to "I'm having a baby" to "the dog doesn't match our furniture.")

Okay, that's the prelude to this post which is obviously about first exposures. Recently, on facebook I've added some more old high school acquaintances. I have not kept in touch with these people since then, so naturally (or maybe it's just the curiosity in me), I wonder what has gone on with their lives. Don't we all wonder that to some degree?

Anyway, what surprised me was how many of them either married different races or fell in love with a certain culture. I think I've mentioned it before, but I grew up in a small, fairly conservative, white town in Virginia. At the time, besides black, you really hardly ever saw other races or ethnicities at all. I truly was one of the only other Asian people there with the exception of the family who ran the Chinese restaurant, another student in my school who had some learning development problems, and a little girl a number of years younger than me who was also adopted. Oh yes, and there were some Japanese students at the small, liberal arts, female-only college and a few Asian students at a private school in town. But those were all the Asian people there. I heard that town has developed quite a bit and it's more diverse.

One of my best friend's in high school I learned married a Hispanic man and is now living in Arizona. This was a person whom I never would have imagined dating or marrying out of her race. Not that she wasn't open to it per se, but just that she didn't have much exposure to that particular subgroup of people prior to college (she went to UVA) and moving to the west coast. I'm thankful her family accepted him and she is happy with a young son.

Another person I found out joined the army, went to Iraq, and somewhere in between there visited Thailand and fell in love with that culture. Prior to that, I doubt he had exposure to anything different than the town we grew up in.

Another boy who was a year older than me who had some trouble with drugs and alcohol in school eventually straightened himself out and wound up marrying a Filipino woman. Again, this surprised me, because his family was conservative, highly privileged, etc.

Then, this other boy I knew who was a year younger than me married a Korean woman and recently had his first child. His mother was our high school guidance counselor and was one of the only adminstrators I liked and talk with. In fact, she was one of the first people to recognize how depressed I was, telling me how my personality had changed so significantly. She also was the person who nominated me to go to Girls State too.

What I realized with this is that it is likely these people's first exposure to an Asian person was me. Now, I know this is speculative, but it makes sense too. It sort of makes me smile actually.

The other thing with this is that I'm sure these people did not say "Oh, Tiptoe was my first exposure to Asian people, and she was really nice, and that's why I fell in love with this Asian person," but it was rather a subconscious thing. If you think about it, we have subconscious first exposures all the time.

Like I try to remember my first exposure to eating disorders, and I really can't for the life of me remember. The only thing that sticks out in my head was reading the book Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher, (still one of my favorites) and realizing how it was so sad how much pressure adolescent girls had. It was the first book that I truly identified with. I also remember distinctly saying I could never have an ED, because I loved food too much. Well, a year later, there was the ED smack dab in my face. I know I never had any moment of seeing someone else who had an ED (I did in high school not long after me but she was not the catalyst to my ED), seeing an after school special about EDs, seeing a tv movie, reading some magazine article about a diet turned awry, etc. It just kind of happened with a full array of internal and external events pertaining to both me and my family that certainly would be considered catalysts.

So then, this makes me think about what my first exposure to "recovery" was. Again, I'm not so sure, but I do remember a brief period in college where the ED thoughts didn't consume me so much, but then again, maybe I was just too tired to think with being on heavy duty drugs for my liver at the time.

In any case, I think this is an interesting thing to think about. First exposures and first impressions have a great meaning in life, and they can be positive and negative. Sometimes, they are conscious when you directly remember an event, person, or thing, but other times, they are subconscious. I think even with those subconscious ones, you can eventually become aware of them. I think this is one reason why I'm hoping I can somehow take Tovah into the school system one day. She loves children, and children love her. And it makes a vital impression on them, especially at young ages. Plus, it's incredibly rewarding and educational too.

Note: A fun kid's story--Last weekend, all three of my dogs got a chance to meet the neighbor's children. They have seen them outside quite a bit and get excited when they are out. Hank has a tendency to bark due to a fence being there, but it is only because of the fence and not the kids. Anyway, I asked the kids if they wanted to meet the dogs. All their faces lit up, giddy with excitement. I brought each dog out one by one and let the kids give them treats and pet them. Meanwhile, yes, I was also telling them the correct way to pet a dog and what not to do (one tried to hug Daphne which could have been disaster!). Tovah also got a chance to meet her first baby too which she did well with. It was just a great experience for all of them, well, except for one. One of the little boys has severe allergies to dogs. I felt horribly bad for him to have to watch as his siblings and friends got a chance to pet the dogs, but he couldn't.

Scales on the horizon

To the left is a picture of a dog scale. My boss has decided we needed one for when we board dogs to monitor their weight when they stay with us. This was vastly prompted by a client's dog who was staying at a vet's office for boarding and lost 20 pounds (not sure how long the dog was there). Apparently, there was some miscommunication on how much to feed the dog, and the vet's office was only giving half of his normal intake. Why, they didn't increase his food or even notice his sudden weight loss is beyond me.

When my boss told me about possibly getting a scale, I cringed. Though I certainly understand the intentions of this scale--for the health and well being of the dog (as well as any liability issue in case someone may accuse us of starving their dog), but there is still a slight bit of uneasiness for me. I have the ( ), because I'm not positive this is the case, it just seems like the liability issue is another one from the way my boss talks. That, and I think she likes thinking that this is yet another thing in how we are different from other dog facilities. Apparently, this scale would only be used for boarding clients which was a sigh of relief for me as I did originally think she wanted this for daycare clients as well! The thing is this doesn't necessarily guarantee anything. There could easily be a client who would be upset that their dog lost 2 pounds while staying with us, while on the flip side, someone else may be happy that their dog lost weight with us if the dog was a bit overweight.

I'm sure I'm projecting more of my issue about this than anything else, and to most people it is not a big deal. I don't know if my hang up is the fact that there would be a giant scale in front of me everyday (I do not have scales in my house) or that I feel like this blurs a funny line between health practitioner and dog trainer, something my boss is very adamant about not crossing.

There isn't much I can do at this point. The scale has already been ordered and is on its way. I guess like in most things in life, I just have o learn to deal with it. So am I overreacting? C'mon, you can tell me a "Tiptoe, this is just a dog scale," my feelings won't be hurt. ;-) Is my viewpoint just filtered through ED-esque thoughts, or is there any inkling of sense?

Vet appointment--judgments, weight, and realizing I have an obsession problem

I took Tovah to the vet this morning to get spayed. She was excited to be there which I'd much rather have than anxious and fearful, like poor Mr. Baxter who has just never overcome his "vet anxiety." He's better than some dogs I've seen, but he pants and sheds quite a bit which is kind of hard for a Boxer to do.

The first thing done is always weighing your dog. I was actually quite curious about this since she hadn't been weighed since late February. The scale read 44.9 pounds which surprised me, because I could have sworn from lifting her many times, she was at least 50 pounds! I'm really skeptical about their scale anyway, but I'll get to that in a minute.

One of the newer vets took her back while the receptionist was going over the paperwork. It sort of drives me nuts, because they know I work with dogs, but yet, still treat me like I know nothing. :sigh: Tovah bolted back with the vet. He came out later and said this to me:

From the looks of her, you would have thought oh dear, we are in for a handful. Once back there, we asked her for a sit, she did it, and then was calm. Then, we gave her the sedation medicine.

My first thought was "well, duh.," but I refrained from saying that. Instead I said, "she has had extensive training, so it was not surprising to me she did what you asked." I don't know, I just thought that was a stupid judgment call on this vet's part. Number one, she doesn't look scary, number two, she is a boisterous puppy and was excited to be there.

I know it is pretty useless to take the comment personally, but still I dislike judgments. If you're going to make one, at least take things into consideration. I'd almost say make sure to have your facts correctly, but I often relate facts with observations versus judgments with ignorance.

So then, the scale issue. I have qualms about their scale, because for one of my dogs, it read eight pounds lighter than two years ago. And I just can't fathom that she lost eight pounds in that time. She's nowhere near underweight or anything, but it is important for me to have her (and all my dogs) correct weights to know how much to feed them. (Their diet is raw food based, so I give a certain percentage of meat, while the rest is vegetables, fruits, and organ meats)

When I told my dad about this weight issue with Daphne awhile back, he said, "well, why don't you just weigh yourself on their scale?" Umm, not likely. I have a hard enough time being in a Dr.'s office getting weighed so being at a vet's office would likely heighten my anxiety with the observation of more people.

So can anyone guess what kind of thoughts ran through my head? Yes, I was thinking of buying a scale. :sigh: Bad me Bad me. I know that probably isn't the best solution. I don't know why I'm even a bit obsessed on this honestly. The dogs are healthy and in good shape. I think it's the pure thought of wanting to be right, accurate, and proving to myself that my body distortion is not that off--that I can estimate a weight of a person/dog on looks alone. Yes, I know that last statement is probably a bit hypocritical.

Anyway, I'm still waiting for the call that everything went smoothly, and I can go pick her up.

Witnessing cruelty in people

I went out for a short run this evening. Apparently, my legs were not too happy about it since I decided for whatever reason to do lunges around the perimeter of my yard last night. At the time, this seemed like a good idea, and I felt energized. However, today was another story. I thought perhaps a short run would help with the lactic acid buildup. Think I was wrong again.

Anyway, I ran into a group of five dogs. I've seen them before--one is an older border collie mix, and the other four are chihuahuas and mini dachshunds. Before this, they had Boston Terriers. I have no clue what happened them. This wasn't the first day they decided to follow me I didn't realize two of them were tagging along until I physically looked back and saw them right at my heels. These are friendly dogs, so I was not worried, however, I do know their owner or at least the person who I saw last time doesn't want them to leave the property. Last time, I asked them why they were out in 30 degree weather, and all she said was "so they could enjoy the sunshine." Hmm.

I stopped, walked back up the hill towards their house as they continued following me. Then, I heard this guy saying, "[insert dog's name] get back here now, you know better, get up here." This was not in a nice happy tone but rather yelling. And meanwhile, he was holding a small limb! When they were close enough, he would use the limb to whack them up the road. Honestly, I was sort of shocked and felt incredibly sad for these dogs. I don't know the rest of their situation, but I was thinking, "Buddy, this is surely not the way to get your dogs to come to you."

What is wrong with people? Next time, I'll just pick up the dogs and bring them to their house, so he can't whack them. Needless to say, the rest of my run felt pretty pointless.

Perhaps, a new addition?

I knew today was going to be a busy day, but I didn't expect it to be this busy. First, I overslept and missed my early morning workout. I was a bit peeved at myself for it, but I also knew I was incredibly tired. I decided berating myself was not necessarily the best thing, so I drank my decaf coffee and got ready for my therapy appt.

Today was my last therapy session for the year. I can resume them after the first of the year when my benefits are renewed. I knew C. was going to ask about my decision on medications, though I was hoping to avoid the issue. I was truthful. I'm still on the fence about it. She was okay with that, but I think still wishes I'd really try them.

We also discussed my bouts of panic attacks. Though I knew these occurrences were anxiety-related, I never considered them actual panic attacks as I don't exhibit the classic symptoms. I should really know by now that symptoms are different for everyone. I guess I have this tendency to think that if I know the sky is not going to fall and the world not end, then I really don't have anxiety problems. I know a bunch of B.S.

The last thing we briefly talked about was my work situation. I have realized that my uncertainty fear is so high that even if I'm treated not as well as I should be, that it is at least predictable. According to a study in Psychological Science (can't find the actual article online) where brain activity was measured after participants were given negative, positive, and ambiguous feedback, researchers say,

What this study shows is that neurotic individuals are actually more comfortable with clear negative information than they are with uncertainty – even when the outcome of that uncertainty could be positive. In other words, people who are high in neuroticism appear to prefer the devil they know over the devil they don't know.

I think this can be related with eating disorders too. That's a post for another day.

After therapy, I did a little shopping, came home, crashed for a bit, though still felt a guilty over missing my morning workout. I was determined to go for a run outdoors even though the weather was less than stellar--cold and cloudy.

I actually haven't run outside in two weeks. I've stayed indoors since the weather has been crappy, didn't want to get my shoes wet with rain, and just kept making excuses about how cold it was. I just needed to get over it, because normally, I run okay in the cold.

The run was nothing special until the very end. What do I see about half a mile from my place? A puppy! Now, I live out in the country and see a lot of dogs, but normally do not see ones as young as eight weeks. I immediately stopped, called to her. She came slinking to me, showed me her tummy. I picked her up as a car was coming and tried to figure out who she may have belonged to. One neighbor was not home, the other didn't know and had not seen her before.

So I couldn't just leave here there to get potentially squished! I carried her the half mile home in my arms. She was lovely and did not protest at all. She met my three dogs well. They tolerated her, Baxter's a bit guardy but I knew he would be. He isn't a fan of puppies this young. He likes when they are older, and he can play with them. Daphne, however, is quite intrigued and offering nice play.

I took the puppy with me to dog obedience class and then to late night kennel. She's now finally crashed but still had lots of energy at 11PM.

I'm really unsure of what to do. I highly doubt someone is going to look for her. I think she may have just been dumped, but it's hard to say. She has a wonderful temperament which is so nice to see. For now, I'll take care of her as I really can't bring myself to take her to a shelter. I may get in touch with one of the rescue places I worked with in the past and foster her for a bit, and then adopt her out to a good family.

This has kind of thrown me for a loop. Puppies are a lot of work, and it's been almost ten years since I've had one this young. It's work I can do, but my schedule has to be changed. I'll try to post pictures soon. I think she is a chow mix, but it's hard to say this young.

AVSAB position statement on dominance in dogs

A little off topic from my usual posts, but I was excited to read this position statement on dominance by the American Veterinary Society of Animal Behavior.

KEY POINTS:

• Despite the fact that advances in behavior research have modified our understanding of social hierarchies in wolves, many animal trainers continue to base their training meth­ods on outdated perceptions of dominance theory. (Refer to Myths About Dominance and Wolf Behavior as It Relates to Dogs)

• Dominance is defined as a relationship between individual animals that is estab­lished by force/aggression and submission, to determine who has priority access to multiple resources such as food, preferred resting spots, and mates (Bernstein 1981; Drews 1993). Most undesirable behaviors in our pets are not related to priority access to resources; rather, they are due to accidental rewarding of the undesirable behavior.

• The AVSAB recommends that veterinar­ians not refer clients to trainers or behavior consultants who coach and advocate domi­nance hierarchy theory and the subsequent confrontational training that follows from it.

• Instead, the AVSAB emphasizes that ani­mal training, behavior prevention strategies, and behavior modification programs should follow the scientifically based guidelines of positive reinforcement, operant condition­ing, classical conditioning, desensitization, and counter conditioning.

• The AVSAB recommends that veterinar­ians identify and refer clients only to trainers and behavior consultants who understand the principles of learning theory and who focus on reinforcing desirable behaviors and removing the reinforcement for undesir­able behaviors.

Just like there are misconceptions and myths in regards to eating disorders, animal care has the same equivalent. It's one reason why so many animals are in shelters and/or euthanized. I hope with more awareness, education, and appropriate training, people will learn that there are better, more effective ways to have a well-mannered pet(s) and develop human-animal bonds.

In the end, all creatures, whether four-legged or two-legged deserve compassion and respect NOT domination.

Okay, and now back to regular scheduled programming....

It's been a long day

I thought I'd give a quick update for those of you who might be interested in the lastest accounts of my oh-so-called-life. First, as I spoke about this weekend with my dad's and D.'s dog, Claude, the biopsy report was not favorable. He had two different types of cancer which metastatized and were ravaging his body. The decision was made to give him his wings. In the end, as difficult as it was for them, I think they felt better informed and able to "know" they made the right decision. Any situation like this gives me perspective of the time I too might have to make that decision for my wonderful four-legged companions. It's probably one of the only things that makes me cry and not many things do.

Secondly, I had my first therapy appt. with C. I was nervous and it felt awkward at first, but as I began to talk, there was a sense of comfort. The appt. itself was a normal intake type session, except that I tried to rehash the last six years of my life in 50 minutes. That really isn't an easy thing, and I'm sure she got a bit lost and confused. Hopefully, she got the basic idea. I'm sure as we go along, things will be clarified and better understood. One thing I did find sort of humorous was the fact she remembered meeting my dad. She said, "yes, and he did not listen just lik you said." My dad's impression of her consisted of "cute, Jewish woman--seemed nice" Hmm, slight differences in impressions.

The only catch to all this is my pesky insurance. I thought I had double the sessions allotted to me, and a mental health rider policy. Apparently, that is not the case, and I only have some horrible number of 10 sessions for a calendar year! I don't know what insurance companies think that you can really achieve on such a limited time. Besides that, my co-pay isn't really a co-pay but instead some co-insurance policy, making me pay half C.'s fee. I'm really unhappy about this and am now kicking myself for changing policies a few years ago. I could have sworn it was different. Everything would have worked out okay if I had met my deductible which is sky high. See folks, this is why you try desperately hard not to have an individual policy. They just run you into the ground with costs. So for now, I'm just going to have to work with what I've got and go from there. Sometimes, it feels unfair, but that's life for you.

"Voice of reason"

A month or so ago, I wrote a post about rational thinking versus emotional thinking. This week, I came across another example of it. The situation is similar to the post, but this time, it's not a client's dog but a family member's dog.

A few weeks ago, my dad called me and told me that Claude, their 12 year old shih tzu-poo was not doing well. He had an upper respiratory infection which later turned into bronchitis. Then early this week, they took him to the vet where the vet noticed some bumps on his neck. She wanted to check it out since there were a number of possibilities. It could be as simple as an enlarged lymph node to something worse, like cancer.

The official biopsy isn't back yet, but by mid-week, it looked to be some form of cancer. They decided to go ahead and start chemo and prednisone. The vet had said if the chemo was going to work, she thought it would work quickly, though she gave no indication to that time frame which left my dad and D., his wife, a bit puzzled.

Then, I received a phone call early Friday morning from D. I could tell she was very upset by her phone message. I dreaded the news since these early morning calls usually have a grim undertone. She said Claude had a rough night, and she didn't know what to do. She had thought about euthanizing him that day but couldn't do it. (I was thinking at this point, whoa, this is moving kind of fast here. I didn't say that though). I told her that it does take a little time for the medications to work and to give them a chance. I also said, "let's not make a rash decision here." I briefly spoke to my dad, since D. was sobbing by this point.

My dad said the vet thought it was "lymphoblastic," a rare form of cancer. So that afternoon, I did a little research to find out about this type of cancer. It basically depends on the exact diagnosis as there are several different forms with differing prognoses.

I called them this afternoon to see how Claude was. They said he was a little better--eating and drinking and had a few of his normal characteristics but had another rough night. D. said my dad told her he thought that "this was the day" which got her upset all over again. (Really, I couldn't believe he said that to her and did tell him that that only upset D. more and wasn't helpful to the situation.) I reiterated to both of them to hang on through the weekend, go to the appt. on Monday, talk to the oncologist, and just get all the information first before making a decision. D. thanked me for being there and being a "voice of reason."

This is a tough situation. Ultimately, we all know that Claude's days are numbered. My gut feeling is that since there are tumors in his lungs, the cancer metastatized. I'm not sure which type of cancer he has, whether it is indeed a form of lymphoblastic lymphoma or leukemia or hemangiosarcoma. Either way, the odds are not favorable for him.

I know both of them do not want Claude to suffer, but at the same time, so many emotions are flying around. I know it is easy for me, as an objective viewer, to tell them to do this, this, and this. I'm not in the thick of the moment, clouded by emotions However, I had a few fears. One was that my dad would pressure D. into making a decision. Claude is really her dog, so the decision should be hers. Two, I didn't think making a decision while upset was wise. Three, I was fearful that if she had made the decision to put him to sleep, she might regret it without knowing all the facts. This type of decision doesn't have a reversal. Once it's done, it's over. There are no electric shock paddles to bring the dog back to life. It's final.

The interesting thing about this conversation was I found myself getting very upset at the thought that they might euthanize Claude without having all the information, talking to the vet, or at least giving treatment a try. I wanted to scream into the phone, "what are you thinking?" But instead, I recognized this and knew my emotions were getting the best of me and quickly calmed down. They both called me the "voice of reason," but I don't know if it so much that or just the fact that this is how I react to this type of situation. It's important for me to have all the information, and then make a decision from there. Even when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer a number of years ago or my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer and melanoma, this was my demeanor. Some might say that I react this way not to let myself express emotions outwardly. Maybe that's part of the reason, but I think it's more that I want to keep a sense of optimism but know reality too.

In this situation, I hope for all involved that the best decisions are made from both the head and heart.

Bizarre encounter 2 for today

On my runs, I frequent many dogs. Some days are better than other, but I always call a day when I haven't actually gotten bitten again by a dog a good day. :-) I got a late start for my run today. About two miles into my run, this dog comes from out of nowhere and then proceeds to leap on me. This was joyful leap, not a "I'm going to eat you" type of leap. It was a young dog, still a puppy actually. Bu the bizarre thing was how much he looked like my dad's dog who was found wondering by the kennel and almost getting run over until my co-worker saved him.

I happened to have my phone on me today since I was waiting for a phone call, so I took a quick snap shot of
him. This was the only one I could get of him standing still.


Now look at this picture of my dad's dog, Leroy. See, the uncanny similarities. These two dogs could have seriously been brothers.

The dog ran with me for awhile until a school bus stopped to let off some children. Although this was not his family, he clearly wanted the attention from them. It worked out and saved me a drive from having to drop him off where I saw him before he followed me. Yes, I've done this on quite a few occasions. The rest of the run was an easy day running in light rain.

Featured Pet Photo

I just realized that one of my dog photos was recently featured on webshots as pet of the day.

Take a look at my crew from New Year's as well as my other photo albums.

Temptation

Ahh yes, that word temptation. Yesterday, while at work, I was sitting in the office and something caught my eye. I went outside to look and lo and behold, it was a little beagle puppy. Talk about pulling at some heartstrings. I immediately crouched down and opened my arms. She came right to me. She was thin, shivering, and quite hungry. I gave her some water and food which she ate in zero seconds flat. My heart ached for her. I put her in a kennel with a blanket while waiting for a client to show up who was running late

I found this whole scenario quite ironic since the day before a neighbor from down the road called asking if were missing a beagle puppy. I told her no and maybe the dog belonged to someone up the road. In one sense, I was a little angry that this neighbor happened to somehow have left this puppy on our property. I'm not exactly sure how they puppy got in as our gate isn't working unless they dropped her over the fence of something. I could be completely wrong and she "found" her way here too.

Nonetheless, I couldn't stay angry long after seeing this cute face. I'm not even a beagle fan though I have come across those who are near and dear to my heart. I have to admit, I was tempted to take her home. Whenever things like this happen, immediately, I go into some type of "plan" mode, figuring out how to make everything work with my schedule, my dogs, etc. It just seems to be how my brain runs even if the event doesn't happen.

I told my boss about the puppy, and she called the neighbor who also lives on the property to see if she would take it to the humane society. She obliged and took the puppy there. Overall, I know it was really for the best. I know in reality, I do not need another dog (though this would have only been a foster case anyway). There would have been more management to do as well. But if I'm truly honest with myself, I guess I saw it as a sign in a way. I'm not sure how to explain it exactly, but my mind has lately been drifting off to some dark places. I know it'll pass, but they were just there you know?

Guiilt about a dog

Somehow I'm feeling a little concerned. I went for a run yesterday and ran into a dog whom I'd seen before. She came up quickly and silently and startled me. This can be disaster sometimes, but luckily, all she wanted to do was run with me. The last time she did this, she stopped at some point and went back to wherever it was she came from. This time, however, she followed me almost my entire way home. We ran into a house with two dogs, and the owners were out. I'm not exactly sure what happened other than seeing a truck with the dog who had been running with me in it. I originally thought that this might have been her owner looking for her. They stopped and asked if this was my dog and sped away. It happened really fast, and thinking back, I should have said they needed to drop her off on the road I'd seen her. Or better yet, I should have said yes, it was my dog, and taken her back to where I first saw her. Now, I don't know what will happen to her, and I just feel bad.

I think she belongs to someone--has a collar, no tags, looks to be taken care of well. She is friendly and playful--even took my water bottle I dropped and gave it back to me with an object exchange. Even though I know that if she indeed does belong to someone, it is their responsibility to keep an eye out on her or if she ends up in a shelter to pick her up, but there is just a sense of guilt on my part. She never would have strayed so far if she was not following me ya know?

I think I may go back to that house and just ask if they knew those people who decided to pick her up. It would just ease my mind a bit. Normally, I don't care about the dogs around here since many are undersocialized, but this is just a nice dog. Reality wise, I'd think that people around here know that there are many loose dogs and would just leave them alone. Sigh.