Christmas lists

I really dislike making them. There is some aspect of the whole "desire" thing I've always had trouble with. This is when my brain goes into global mode and begins to think about all the people everywhere you have way less than I do. Why would I want more and feel like a gluttonous person for having these types of thoughts?

However, I realize it helps my family figure out things to get me as I don't see them that often and well, our tastes kind of differ. No dad the short shorts from Abercrombie and Fitch, though nice, is not something I will ever wear due to too many "thunder thigh" moments which I'd rather not be feeling. Or those skinny jeans-well they will look cute on someone else. Needless to say I have now asked them to refrain from buying any clothing items unless it is absolutely specified. I figure it will just save both of us the trouble.

So what to put on my list? Really, there is nothing much that I can think of beyond a few dog training books, several dvds, and a new pair of running shoes.Okay yes, there is probably more, but my mind convinces me that I really just don't need or deserve those things or they are too expensive, etc. In years past, my parents made donations in my name to different charity organizations like Heifer International and a women's charity fighting domestic violence. Maybe, I will suggest this again as this feels more satisfying than a tangible gift of sorts. I think this is probably one reason why I try to buy from organizations where some of the proceeds go towards those in need, whether it be 2-legged or 4-legged.

So later today, I'll be working on this procrastinated list, along with the other infinite amount of stuff I need to do today, including grocery shopping which I've now put off for a week.

Do others feel the same way about this?

On a positive note to end all this, my cell phone died yesterday. After driving around trying to remember where the freaking Verizon Wireless store was, I was eligible for an upgrade. I decided to stick with a Blackberry curve, upgrading to the second version in a color of violet! It's very nice having wifi access. Now I just need to figure out how to plug in the number Blackberry prompted into my router.

One is not necessarily a lonely number

If you've been reading my blog for awhile, you will know that holidays are just not my thing. This truly did start with depression, an eating disorder, and pure stress. And that was something like 14 years ago. Throughout the years, I've spent some holidays with my family (though that has been a rarity since graduating from college), I've volunteered, I've gone to friends' and co-workers' homes, and I've spent them alone. My parents always had a hard time with the latter one, and eventually I got to a point of saying I had an invitation somewhere just to make them feel less concerned.

However, after reading a few articles like Secretly Wishing for a Thanksgiving for One and Alone for Thanksgiving? How to Make the Most of It, I'm not feeling so guilt ridden about it like I have been in the past when I confessed about the holidays. It's nice knowing others do feel similarly/have been through the same thing. Sure, it is nice to spend it with people, but at the same time, it is not as bad for some people to spend it alone either. After all, I'm truly not alone as I have my three 4-legged "children", though they do not have their own place at the table like this woman's cat here. However, I do thoroughly feel her reasons are valid that this cat is a well-behaved family member, as I do with my dogs.

I do admit, however, my plans to take the dogs to a nearby park were a bit thwarted by the weather. It is steadily raining here with not much hope of letting up. Tovah, my youngest, could care less as she has already spent a few hours exploring the yard in the rain. (she has to be sure she has gotten every mole possible) Meanwhile, Hank and Daphne would rather stay inside in the warmth of the house. (Daphne often thinks she will melt at the site of cold or rain-just imagine when it snows here!)

So instead my plans will be to watch the dog show, work with the dogs, do some laundry, work on a project for Baxter's 1-year anniversary, desperately organize some bills I've been putting off the last 3-4 month (literally), and to buy some stuffing and potatoes, two items which I thoroughly enjoy during the holiday season. I would have had the stuffing, but Daphne decided to eat it all! Yes, it was another "bad trainer" moment of forgetting to put her in her crate when I left/not putting locks on the turntable.

To leave this on a holiday note, I have always felt grateful in life, sometimes to a point of excess which I've learned to partly let go of in the last few years. I wrote this post a few years ago about gratitude, and I still feel pretty similarly to this. I think gratitude just shouldn't be about one day but all the days throughout. It's just that for many people, this one day gives them stop for thought. But if that is what it takes for some people, then albeit, let this day be that day.

Lastly, I just want to thank all you blog readers for reading this blog and giving me support and feedback. The blogging world has made a difference in a number of lives, and I certainly include myself in this. I've met some great people here. To each and all of you, I hope you have a successful and happy Thanksgiving Day, always taking care of yourself in the process.

Weekends and work

I remember when I used to hate that the weekend was about to come. It meant unstructured time, no real schedule, an interruption of my routine. I still fight this with notion a lot, thinking I must get a ton of stuff done on the weekends--laundry, vacuuming, cleaning, organizing, stuff with the dogs and bunny, etc. But with my last three weeks of work, I've welcomed the weekend graciously and have tried to fill it with fun time. For example, last weekend, I visited an online friend I'd known for 14 years but never met. This weekend, I'm visiting another friend or two and meeting a new Match date.

I never thought how much of a welcome relief the weekends would be, though I do think weekends should really be 3 days rather than 2. I find it always takes me one day to wind down. But truly this makes sense with work lately. This week was the same as the previous other two weeks, though I did say again that we needed to talk and it really could not wait any longer. Again, all I got was another "I'll schedule an appointment." :sigh: This is really frustrating.

I'm really at a loss of what more to do, because the ball has been in her court for several weeks now. This is my third attempt at some form of communication. If someone no longer wants me there, I'd rather be told up front than to continue in misery. Been there, done that, and it's not fun. In the back of my mind, my wishful thinking hopes this is just one big misunderstanding. However, as each day passes, the likelihood of this diminishes.

Special anniversary

Today is a special anniversary. It marks the1st anniversary of living in this, my house. It's hard to believe a year has passed. Here's a rundown of house-related things which my parents and I did:

• Had 2 dead trees cut and ground (expensive!)
• New mulch and ground cover in my front and side yards
• Planted four trees (one died), flowers, and herbs for Clover (Basil recently died from frost. I'll get better at this with time)
• Filled dirt in the "pit" area where an above ground pool once was from the previous owners
• Someone ran into my fence. It does indeed turned out it was someone related to the neighbors up the road who took the car. They said the cousin who damaged the fence is in Mexico though.
• Had to get AC fixed over the summer
• Took down ugly, red curtains and replaced them with sheer light green and blue ones
• Primed my room, getting it tinted blue
• Repainted my upstairs bathroom a pretty lavender color
• The hole where the unusable hot tub was from the previous owners was replaced with an actual platform, so that can be turned into a private deck
• Added some flood lights in the backyard, front, and back parts of the house
• Bought a top notch vacuum (ironically someone came yesterday to try to sell me a kirby, but I think I am going to stick to my miele, though I like the shampoo option on the kirby)

There's probably more, but that's what I can think of off the top of my head. There's still a lot more to be done, but this is at least a start. The nice thing is that there isn't a finite timeline. I have goals of when I want to have certain things done, mostly by priority, but the feeling is more of "when I can do it" type thing. This doesn't mean I let things go by the waste side, but it is nice NOT to pressure yourself to get it all done at one time and feel like a spazz,a non-accomplishing individual. Now, if I had gobs of money, that might be a different story, but that's just not my life at the moment. So you do with what you have, and when you can do better or more, you do so.

Good company

What a great Saturday! The short version: I met an online friend nearby. We had known each other for 14 years but never met until yesterday. I briefly spoke about her here. I got a chance to meet her three kitties and hubby. We had a lovely Indian dinner, and then on a whim drove up to the International Grocery I've been wanting to go to for months Therefore, I finally got my kimchi I've been craving and various other items I normally get at Asian grocery stores.

It was fabulous meeting L. who is also 5 1/2 months pregnant. She was just as I had imagined, and I was amazed at how much she remembered about me throughout the years. It was such a good win-win situation. I think she and her hubby enjoyed my company as well. I joked with her hubby that it amazed me how outgoing he was for a chemist type guy!

We agreed in maybe a month or two that we'd get together again, and this time I would host. I hope this will be the start of a good friendship locally as I've yet to meet many people to do things with here.

Small pieces of recovery

This week's been tough--not only emotionally but also in that breakfast has been less substantial this week. Luckily, it did not throw me off too much as I did have good dinners (lunch is still a work in progress and is probably more like a snack than a real "lunch"). So here's how the story goes. I think I've said this before, but most mornings, my breakfast is oatmeal, a full banana most days (this used to only be a half), and peanut butter. When I am missing an ingredient, for whatever reason, my brain says, I cannot eat that then, and I need to find something else instead. Typically, this results in something less substantial like just a clif bar and/or granola bar.

This week, I ran out of peanut butter AND bananas. I kept telling myself I needed to go to the store and buy some. Well, everyday this week, something prevented me from going to the store. Since I am only able to go in the evenings after work, if it is too late, like after 7:30pm, I just wont go ( I know bizarre) On Monday and Tuesday, my neighbor was coming over to look at my propane heater and furnace. On Wednesday, Tovah had vomiting and projectile diarrhea. The day before, she and Daphne had a par-tay, ripping apart a bag of whole wheat flour! Whole wheat flour was all over the kitchen and their noses and paws claimed the evidence. A few of m FB friends say Clover implicated them. LOL Apparently, they both ate a lot of it-Tovah moreso. Both had some unforeseen problems, but Tovah's was way worse.

She woke me up in the middle of the night to potty. I was inches away from stepping in her vomit barefoot. (ewww gross!) This is a good reminder to always put on shoes before stepping into darkness. Then, when I got home on my lunch break, she had vomit all over her crate and awful projectile diarrhea outside (yes I know TMI). I promptly gave her meds which I think are finally helping.

Due to wanting to rush home to make sure she and her crate were okay, I did not get to the store. But finally tonight, I did, and I got my peanut butter and bananas and some other items I needed. All is well now for breakfast. :grin:

The funny thing was and why I am writing this post is that while I was at the store, I found myself a bit hungry. I knew I would eat dinner at home but wanted something to just tide me over--something sweet. I found myself going right to the sample cookies and taking two without even skipping a beat. I didn't think omigod how many calories and fat do each of these things have or how many miles would I have to run to burn this off or no dinner for me or how could I be so gluttonous or I must compensate tomorrow for eating these cookies.


Instead, I ate the cookies piece by piece, went along my merry way throughout the store, getting the rest of my items. I had no lingering thoughts about those cookies. This reminded me how such small happenings become markers of progress in recovery. It is important that we always celebrate the small victories, because none are ever too small.

Properly feeding guests

I know I am a little early about talking about the holidays, but we have to face that they are upon us soon. No no holiday music here yet, but already the Christmas decorations are out and stores are trying to figure out how to wrangle in cash-strapped shoppers (apparently Wal-Mart is jumping the gun with free shipping on online deals two weeks before Black Friday to compete with their adversary Amazon via NPR).

Besides all this, it means festivities and celebrations (usually with food included) will soon be here too. This brings me to today's Jezebel piece on how to properly feed your guests. Anna did a great job on giving a lot of different examples of food restrictions you might encounter as a host and tips to guests to help them deal with these social food gatherings, including a few by me for those in eating disorder recovery. Take a look, some good advice is given.

Feeling teary

I do not have much time to write, so I'm going to make this really brief.

A quick update: The coffee invitation fell through, and I never heard from her. I figured this would be the case, but I had hoped maybe she would act differently. There was no response whatsoever.

Yesterday, I walked in, casually asked how her weekend was, received a cold answer of "I worked all weekend." Then I said, "I really hope we can chat soon." She went on to give me a schedule she wanted me to follow for daycare for several days this week--fine. I reiterated what I had said adding in that "it would be good to clear the air. If I need to schedule an appointment with you, then fine." She said she would schedule something for later this week. And that was that.

How did I feel afterwards? Better? Well not really actually. It's more about how do I want to approach the situation. One parent offers advice in one way, another says something different.

I'm not sure what to do other than to make a list and feel prepared.

I've held back many tears but today I'm just feeling teary about the whole situation. It won't last but for today it is what it is--simply a sad, stressful situation with many things to consider.

Stress = face break out

It's true, stress does make my face break out, and I hate it. It wasn't great prior to leaving Atlanta (by fact my father pointed this out to me) but it wasn't horrible either. However, the culmination of stress over the last two weeks at work has made every single zit appear on my face it seems. So much so that no massive amount of cover up will diminish it! (damn hormones too!)

Throughout the last few days, I decided to extend an outreach invitation of talking things over via coffee. I'm still waiting that reply which in and of itself is anxiety-provoking. I'm honestly not sure what has happened the last month in a half or so, but it is unfair for either of us to continue on this way without some sort of explanation from both of us. I'm hopeful...and hopeful my zits will disappear too.

Disclaimer: Although work is the center of my life right now (which also tells me I need more of a life), I have decided to refrain from going into much detail after my last few posts about work.