Since I still wanted to go to the food festival, but not necessarily by myself, I remembered there was a girl who lived close that I had never met. I sent her a message, and she told me to call her if I was going to go. I really had planned to go. I had already looked at the menus of the different vendors there and had my eye set on a veggie mango roll. Sunday rolled around, and I basically got cold feet for a few reasons.
First, my fear of driving and not finding parking overcame me. I tend to panic when I have to park in downtown areas with lots of people and have to search for parking. It's not just finding the parking but afraid I'll forget where I parked too. It's truly dumb and wasn't a good excuse to go.
Then, I had this other thought. I have never met this person (we've talked on the phone a long time ago--I've known her since I was 16, and we met in an ED chat room--you know the ones aol used to have all the time). Though we've kept in touch over the year, we haven't really talked in depth much. I know some of what's going on in her life through her facebook statuses and tweets, but I don't know where she is in terms of ED recovery. I can't explain it exactly, but I just had a weird feeling meeting at a big food festival (see the irony). I tried to give myself the option of going today, but my feelings didn't change--that and I apparently crashed in my chair this afternoon for 2 hours.
I did tell this person I would not be making it yesterday or today, but definitely said we should meet up some time. Hopefully, she'll take me up on this offer and meet somewhere else.
Now, some of you may be asking what would have been the difference of going with a new match guy versus this girl whom you've known for many years but never met? I don't know, but it felt differently to me. I guess it's the thought of someone not knowing about your ED history versus someone who does. Had it not have been the food festival, maybe I would have felt differently. And I guess I could have spoken up to meet elsewhere.
Parts of me are kicking myself for not going, making excuses, letting my fears rule me. This could have been a good opportunity and experience. I know I have more chances to meet this girl again, at least until December, but I'm just lucky in that fact.
I also think I'm still reeling over the latest match date. I'm seriously not doing very well with these match dates and have come to the conclusion it must be ME. I'm thinking about changing my profile to attract a different audience. This doesn't mean I'm going to be completely different but words things differently. The thing is that these men, well, they must have been attracted to my profile if they wanted to meet me. But then, when they do, they seem to not like me at all which just perpetuates the cycle it is me!
Even though I'm upset (rejection is tough), I'm not giving up. However, I think I may revamp my profile to see if it will attract a different audience. Only time will tell.