Tuesday, June 1, 2010

A bit of a FAIL weekend

Yes, I'm using the word FAIL here.  First, I met a new match guy on Saturday.  We met at a coffee shop and chatted.  Things seemed to be going okay, and we were going to go to a food festival nearby afterwards.  As we were walking and talking, he suddenly stops and says, "Before we go any further, I just don't think it is going to work out.  We might as well not waste each other's time."  I was kind of surprised, and could only fathom out the words, "okay, I understand."  We walked back in awkward silence before parting different directions.  That was FAIL 1.

Since I still wanted to go to the food festival, but not necessarily by myself, I remembered there was a girl who lived  close that I had never met.  I sent her a message, and she told me to call her if I was going to go.  I really had planned to go.  I had already looked at the menus of the different vendors there and had my eye set on a veggie mango roll.  Sunday rolled around, and I basically got cold feet for a few reasons.

First, my fear of driving and not finding parking overcame me.  I tend to panic when I have to park in downtown areas with lots of people and have to search for parking.  It's not just finding the parking but afraid I'll forget where I parked too.  It's truly dumb and wasn't a good excuse to go.

Then, I had this other thought.  I have never met this person (we've talked on the phone a long time ago--I've known her since I was 16, and we met in an ED chat room--you know the ones aol used to have all the time).  Though we've kept in touch over the year, we haven't really talked in depth much.  I know some of what's going on in her life through her facebook statuses and tweets, but I don't know where she is in terms of ED recovery.  I can't explain it exactly, but I just had a weird feeling meeting at a big food festival (see the irony).  I tried to give myself the option of going today, but my feelings didn't change--that and I apparently crashed in my chair this afternoon for 2 hours.

I did tell this person I would not be making it yesterday or today, but definitely said we should meet up some time.  Hopefully, she'll take me up on this offer and meet somewhere else.

Now, some of you may be asking what would have been the difference of going with a new match guy versus this girl whom you've known for many years but never met?  I don't know, but it felt differently to me.  I guess it's the thought of someone not knowing about your ED history versus someone who does.  Had it not have been the food festival, maybe I would have felt differently. And I guess I could have spoken up to meet elsewhere.

Parts of me are kicking myself for not going, making excuses, letting my fears rule me.  This could have been a good opportunity and experience.  I know I have more chances to meet this girl again, at least until December, but I'm just lucky in that fact.

I also think I'm still reeling over the latest match date.  I'm seriously not doing very well with these match dates and have come to the conclusion it must be ME.  I'm thinking about changing my profile to attract a different audience.  This doesn't mean I'm going to be completely different but words things differently.  The thing is that these men, well, they must have been attracted to my profile if they wanted to meet me.  But then, when they do, they seem to not like me at all which just perpetuates the cycle it is me!  

Even though I'm upset (rejection is tough), I'm not giving up.  However, I think I may revamp my profile to see if it will attract a different audience.  Only time will tell.


Kim said...

First of all, I'm sorry about the Match date. What the heck? That is so awkward and strange of him. Even if it isn't going to work out romantically, you are clearly good company, so he just sounds immature. Grr. Second, given that experience, it makes total sense to me that you'd scrap other plans. You made an effort to keep them, but don't be too hard on yourself. It's a food event, meeting up with someone whose ED status could be triggering, and there's parking madness involved. These three things would be very difficult for me too, when combined, following the Match event. Don't be too hard on yourself. I'm sure you'll make up for this missed time soon.

Anonymous said...

hi tiptoe. i hope it's okay if i leave you a comment.

are you talking about match.com? i recently joined it too.

i just wanted to say that that guy sounds like an absolute douche and he obviously had no reason to do that. if he is prone to making such idiotic judgments, then it's probably better for you if you don't go out with him again!

you can't get to know someone after a few minutes of coffee but it's clear from reading your blog how awesome you are.

ps. oh my gosh, i hate parking so much!

take care.
sarah-j, xx.

Tiptoe said...

Kim, thanks so much for your support. I do tend to still beat myself up a bit. I think it's hard when you're doing okay in recovery but continue to have moments like these. It's a two steps forward, one step back thing.

Sarah-J, Of course, you can leave a comment anytime. Yes, I am talking about match. I've been on it off and on over the years but made a concerted effort this past Feb.

I am beginning to agree that this guy was a jerk and not worth my time!

Thanks for the compliment and reading!

edna said...

Can I echo the comment that the match guy sounds like a jerk. What a way to end a date - NOT! I'm all for honesty and not leading someone on, but there are WAY better ways to do it than his approach. Really sounds like he is the problem here, not you.

ANd on the second thing, I think that we need to give ourselves permission to cancel things, especially when they are only tentative plans (but even when they are not) and then not beat ourselves up afterwards. Sounds like you had valid reasons not to go, and crashing on the lounge for a couple of hours indicates that.

Be kind to yourself

Cammy said...

Like I've already said to you, sounds like this guy was indeed an asshole but ended up doing you a big favor by not wasting your time. You deserve better, and it was his loss!

I totally understand what you mean about feeling different about food situations depending on whether your companions know about your ED or not. I think it's just a sort of squeamishness at feeling under the microscope if people are aware, because they likely will notice and analyze what you're eating more than someone who didn't know.

I hope that your week has gotten better. Hang in there and keep your chin up, you're an amazing person!

Tiptoe said...

Edna and Cammy, thanks for your support. I'm finally letting go of this and realizing yeah, this guy was a total A-hole, and I can definitely do better.

I know I will plan on meeting up with this person, it just won't be at a food festival where I will feel so awkward.