Friday, December 19, 2008

Perhaps, a new addition?

I knew today was going to be a busy day, but I didn't expect it to be this busy. First, I overslept and missed my early morning workout. I was a bit peeved at myself for it, but I also knew I was incredibly tired. I decided berating myself was not necessarily the best thing, so I drank my decaf coffee and got ready for my therapy appt.

Today was my last therapy session for the year. I can resume them after the first of the year when my benefits are renewed. I knew C. was going to ask about my decision on medications, though I was hoping to avoid the issue. I was truthful. I'm still on the fence about it. She was okay with that, but I think still wishes I'd really try them.

We also discussed my bouts of panic attacks. Though I knew these occurrences were anxiety-related, I never considered them actual panic attacks as I don't exhibit the classic symptoms. I should really know by now that symptoms are different for everyone. I guess I have this tendency to think that if I know the sky is not going to fall and the world not end, then I really don't have anxiety problems. I know a bunch of B.S.

The last thing we briefly talked about was my work situation. I have realized that my uncertainty fear is so high that even if I'm treated not as well as I should be, that it is at least predictable. According to a study in Psychological Science (can't find the actual article online) where brain activity was measured after participants were given negative, positive, and ambiguous feedback, researchers say,

What this study shows is that neurotic individuals are actually more comfortable with clear negative information than they are with uncertainty – even when the outcome of that uncertainty could be positive. In other words, people who are high in neuroticism appear to prefer the devil they know over the devil they don't know.

I think this can be related with eating disorders too. That's a post for another day.

After therapy, I did a little shopping, came home, crashed for a bit, though still felt a guilty over missing my morning workout. I was determined to go for a run outdoors even though the weather was less than stellar--cold and cloudy.

I actually haven't run outside in two weeks. I've stayed indoors since the weather has been crappy, didn't want to get my shoes wet with rain, and just kept making excuses about how cold it was. I just needed to get over it, because normally, I run okay in the cold.

The run was nothing special until the very end. What do I see about half a mile from my place? A puppy! Now, I live out in the country and see a lot of dogs, but normally do not see ones as young as eight weeks. I immediately stopped, called to her. She came slinking to me, showed me her tummy. I picked her up as a car was coming and tried to figure out who she may have belonged to. One neighbor was not home, the other didn't know and had not seen her before.

So I couldn't just leave here there to get potentially squished! I carried her the half mile home in my arms. She was lovely and did not protest at all. She met my three dogs well. They tolerated her, Baxter's a bit guardy but I knew he would be. He isn't a fan of puppies this young. He likes when they are older, and he can play with them. Daphne, however, is quite intrigued and offering nice play.

I took the puppy with me to dog obedience class and then to late night kennel. She's now finally crashed but still had lots of energy at 11PM.

I'm really unsure of what to do. I highly doubt someone is going to look for her. I think she may have just been dumped, but it's hard to say. She has a wonderful temperament which is so nice to see. For now, I'll take care of her as I really can't bring myself to take her to a shelter. I may get in touch with one of the rescue places I worked with in the past and foster her for a bit, and then adopt her out to a good family.

This has kind of thrown me for a loop. Puppies are a lot of work, and it's been almost ten years since I've had one this young. It's work I can do, but my schedule has to be changed. I'll try to post pictures soon. I think she is a chow mix, but it's hard to say this young.


Kim said...

Puppy! Post pictures!

Thanks for the post. I just got back from therapy and your quote about neuroticism hits right home with me. I think I'll go ahead and steal it for a blog :)

Happy holidays!

ramona said...

Aww! Sweet story. She's lucky to have run into you, hunh?

ramona said...

P.S. When I glanced at the title of this post I thought it said "a new addiction". This is so much better. ;)

MelissaS said...

i know what it's like to be comfortable in a neurotic place. i'm VERY uncomfortable when things are going well. i used to do something destructive during those times, so i could be back in my natural state of worry and/or panic.

re: miss kitty. do you know what you want to do? do you have the time to foster care her? could you really give her up when a new home was found? maybe it will all work itself out without too much effort, and you'll figure it out one day at a time. (sorry for the AA-ness of the last comment!)

Gaining Back My Life said...

Wow....a couple of thoughts from your post.

"What this study shows is that neurotic individuals are actually more comfortable with clear negative information than they are with uncertainty – even when the outcome of that uncertainty could be positive. In other words, people who are high in neuroticism appear to prefer the devil they know over the devil they don't know."

So much so, that it is eerie.

My second thought....rescued pups. I've been blessed to have found AND returned to their owners 6 dogs now in the past 1 year. I keep hoping one doesn't have a home so my Faith can have a 'partner in crime'.

But I sympathize with your dilemma...puppies are ALOT of work. Your gut will tell you.

Tiptoe said...

Thanks for the comments.

Kim, I have one decent puppy picture so far, so I'll post that soon.

Ramona, too funny you thought it was addiction. Actually, when I first wrote the post, I typed "edition."

MelissaS, I've been known at times to do some sabotaging when things were going well, mostly because I was afraid it wouldn't stay that way. So it was like a why bother moment.

As for the puppy, I have fostered before through one of the rescue organizations locally. I wasn't very impressed and could go through a different organization if I wanted. Timing is an issue simply because puppies take a lot of work, but I really can make my schedule flexible.

GBML, wow 6 in a year. That's a lot. I'm sure you will eventually find the one to keep Faith company.

Anonymous said...

I just dropped by to hassle for puppy pictures!! Yeah Puppies! Nothing articulate to add about the post though, I've a head full of cotton wool today.

Lola x

Anonymous said...

i understand your hesitancy about the medication. my therapist and i discussed it and i knocked it down for about a year until i finally said OK! Enough is enough and nothing else is working!! The appt was really anxiety producing but they didn't weigh me or touch me at all (real big in my book). I'm now trying out some meds and it has helped with the anxiety a lot! and weight gain isn't a side effect on this med. i know it can be rough but i don't think you will regret getting the meds. now i'm beginning to think how much farther along in my emotional work i could be had i stepped forward a year ago.

Tiptoe said...

Lola, a few pics are up ;-)

Anon, thanks for understanding and sharing your experiences. At my last session, my therapist asked me "what do you have to lose by trying them?" It's a good point.