This week, there was quite a flurry over the new memoir Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Yale law professor Amy Chua. I have not read this book yet but currently am on the reserve list at the library for it. This book has gotten controversial reviews and first received a lot of attention after her Wall Street Journal piece.
Chua has recently made the tv and radio rounds this week, including on the Diane Rehm show which was one of the first interviews I heard. Chua basically raised her two children similar to the traditional Asian style--strict. This style is all about success, especially academics. Other subjects may be emphasized like music, maybe a sport (think golf pro Michelle Wi), maybe chess (new chess prodigy Hou Yifan, the new women’s world chess champion, youngest ever for male or female), but the majority it is in some academic realm--think medicine, engineering, or business. Some say this is one reason why the Asian immigrants as a whole have been very successful here (America). Some have called them "the model citizens."
This made me think a lot about my own childhood, the idea of success, and what I feel now. Although my upbringing was not as strict as what is described in Chua's book--I had sleepovers, time spent with my friends, ability to choose different activities, no threatening of burning of stuffed animals or donating doll houses piece by piece to the salvation army if I didn't get a difficult subject perfect, (these are examples from the book that has gotten much attention from parents), etc., there was still an underlying expectation to succeed by my father (and myself). Growing up I could never figure out if this was just me and my personality (was I really this self-motivated?)or whether it was due to how my father always described Asians--as successful.
For much of my life, it was all about medicine. When as I like to say reality set in, and I realized I did not have the "great at math and science Asian gene" (insert sarcasm), I lost confidence in myself, became phobic of those subjects and never wanted to look at them again. Thus went all the pre-med stuff, and I leaned towards liberal arts. In the end, it was more satisfying, less stressful, and everything seemed okay for awhile.
This is when I got into dog training and found that I did enjoy this. But was it/is it something I can do forever? And this is where my "lost" thoughts come in. Sorry to leave everyone hanging, but I will write in more detail in my next post soon.
Showing posts with label books. Show all posts
Showing posts with label books. Show all posts
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Race, eating disorders, and a new controversial book cover
I think most of us reading this blog or other eating disorder blogs agree that eating disorders do not discriminate. They affect different races, cultures, and ethnicities. This is truly not new news. I remember nearly ten years ago, there were studies looking at ethnic/racial proclivities towards eating disorders. I was even featured in a Washington Post article about it (sorry, can only read the first few paragraphs as it is archived). So to me, it seems a bit crazy that people continue to not "get" it.
Recently, there have been articles and studies about the increasing or rather "out of the closet" phenomena that African-American/black men and women are also affected by eating disorders. For a long time, people just thought this group of people were immune to eating disorders. They believed that African-Americans' definition of beauty was different--that curvaceousness was the more appeasing aesthetic. And that this would somehow protect them from ever developing an eating disorder.
Oh how wrong people can be. In a culture where thinness is prided, there is bound to be a cultural shift. In this 2005 New York Times, it explains how blacks join the eating disorder mainstream. From there, there have been other studies showing the prevalence of eating disorders among this population. Most recently, a study from USC showed that African-American girls were 50% more likely to develop bulimia than their white counterparts, especially those within the lowest income bracket.
Obviously, this is a problem. It is great that research is looking at this population. However, I think there is still a lack of personal story, biography, memoir for this specific group of people. Many times this can be helpful for sufferers to feel less alone.
This is where Stephanie Covington Armstrong comes in. Stephanie, a playwright and screenwriter in CA, has written a new memoir, Not All Black Girls Know How to Eat on her struggle with bulimia. I had not even heard of this book until I read this LA Times Blog asking if this book cover went terribly wrong.
The opinions vary with some feeling it is too graphic, while others feel it it blunt, raw, and to the point. Others say they never would have even guessed the symbolism of the cover had the controversy been stirred. I'm not exactly sure how to feel about the cover. To me, it is on the graphic side, but at the same time, it puts the disorder out there. (or at least one form of bulimia)
I have not read this book, so I cannot say whether it is good, triggering, provocative, etc. But what I am glad about is that there is now a book for this audience. Even though there have been tons of memoirs on eating disorders, people often want to feel a sense of understanding, and sometimes that happens to be because of race or ethnicity. In the end, my hope is that people do not judge the cover of the book, but rather the contents. After all, that is all what we want eating disordered or not.
Note--*Here is a transcript by NPR about African-Americans and eating disorders.
Recently, there have been articles and studies about the increasing or rather "out of the closet" phenomena that African-American/black men and women are also affected by eating disorders. For a long time, people just thought this group of people were immune to eating disorders. They believed that African-Americans' definition of beauty was different--that curvaceousness was the more appeasing aesthetic. And that this would somehow protect them from ever developing an eating disorder.
Oh how wrong people can be. In a culture where thinness is prided, there is bound to be a cultural shift. In this 2005 New York Times, it explains how blacks join the eating disorder mainstream. From there, there have been other studies showing the prevalence of eating disorders among this population. Most recently, a study from USC showed that African-American girls were 50% more likely to develop bulimia than their white counterparts, especially those within the lowest income bracket.
Obviously, this is a problem. It is great that research is looking at this population. However, I think there is still a lack of personal story, biography, memoir for this specific group of people. Many times this can be helpful for sufferers to feel less alone.
This is where Stephanie Covington Armstrong comes in. Stephanie, a playwright and screenwriter in CA, has written a new memoir, Not All Black Girls Know How to Eat on her struggle with bulimia. I had not even heard of this book until I read this LA Times Blog asking if this book cover went terribly wrong.
I have not read this book, so I cannot say whether it is good, triggering, provocative, etc. But what I am glad about is that there is now a book for this audience. Even though there have been tons of memoirs on eating disorders, people often want to feel a sense of understanding, and sometimes that happens to be because of race or ethnicity. In the end, my hope is that people do not judge the cover of the book, but rather the contents. After all, that is all what we want eating disordered or not.
Note--*Here is a transcript by NPR about African-Americans and eating disorders.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Interesting quotes
All these quotes are from Mary Pipher's new book Seeking Peace: Chronicles of the Worst Buddhist in the World.
"As a therapist, I learned that people change only when they believe change is possible."
"People can change only in an environment of utter acceptance and regard." said by Carl Rogers on his "paradox of change"
"It takes something larger than ourselves to fight something that feels larger than we are..." in reference to Carl Jung's formula Spiritus contra spiritum which is widely used in AA.
"Despair is the subjective state we experience when our inner and outer resources are insufficient to cope with the situation at hand. At core, it involves a breakdown in our trust of ourselves and the universe."
"The luckiest children are those who can experience challenges, deal with them and become resilient."
"We haven't journeyed all this way because we are made of sugar candy." said by Winston Churchill.
As an aside note, Mary Pipher's book Reviving Ophelia was a book that impacted me greatly as a teen. I not only felt understood, but it truly made me realize how many hardships young girls face in their lives.
Since then, I've read several other of Pipher's books and have enjoyed them. Sometimes, I used to wish she was my therapist as corny and honest as that sounds.
In 2007, Pipher made waves again in returning her Presidential Citation Award to the American Psychological Association as a protest over their position on military and CIA interrogations at the time. The APA has now changed their policy and has banned members from the participation of any interrogations and similar procedures.
"As a therapist, I learned that people change only when they believe change is possible."
"People can change only in an environment of utter acceptance and regard." said by Carl Rogers on his "paradox of change"
"It takes something larger than ourselves to fight something that feels larger than we are..." in reference to Carl Jung's formula Spiritus contra spiritum which is widely used in AA.
"Despair is the subjective state we experience when our inner and outer resources are insufficient to cope with the situation at hand. At core, it involves a breakdown in our trust of ourselves and the universe."
"The luckiest children are those who can experience challenges, deal with them and become resilient."
"We haven't journeyed all this way because we are made of sugar candy." said by Winston Churchill.
**********
As an aside note, Mary Pipher's book Reviving Ophelia was a book that impacted me greatly as a teen. I not only felt understood, but it truly made me realize how many hardships young girls face in their lives.
Since then, I've read several other of Pipher's books and have enjoyed them. Sometimes, I used to wish she was my therapist as corny and honest as that sounds.
In 2007, Pipher made waves again in returning her Presidential Citation Award to the American Psychological Association as a protest over their position on military and CIA interrogations at the time. The APA has now changed their policy and has banned members from the participation of any interrogations and similar procedures.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
EDs and salvation
This morning, as I was just leaving for work, I happened to notice one of my amazon shipments arrived. I ordered 9 or 10 books which will be trickling in all throughout the week. Some were eating disorder-related books, including Harriet Brown's, Feed Me! one lengthy running book--over 900 pages, looking at ALL aspects of running, a Korean survival book for the future, and a few Suze Orman books. I've been a fan of her for a few years but hadn't read one of her books yet.
The first book that arrived was Kathryn Zerbe's Integrated Treatment of Eating Disorders: Beyond the Body Betrayed. I read her previous book The Body Betrayed a number of years ago and felt that was a good comprehensive book on eating disorders, so I was interested in what this book had to offer as well.
This book is geared more towards the practitioner/therapist, but I think it is likely useful for the client, especially in giving a perspective of what therapists may feel like/struggle with in treating the eating disorder population. The book is broken down into three sections: phases of treatment, treatment through life cycles, and special issues such as sexuality, transference, counter transference, and assessing outcomes and resiliency. I'm quite curious about the last section as those issues aren't necessarily talked about much in eating disorder books. In just a skim of the book, like her previous book, she devotes sections to biology too.
I'm only on the first chapter, but this quote struck me. I believe the quote was also used in her other book where she went more into detail. The context of the quote is in talking about how therapists have a difficult time in retrieving information from eating disorder persons due to the aspect of "identity" as the ED which the client encompasses.
H.N. Boris, a psychoanalyst said, "What we call their symptoms, they call their salvation."
In certain ways, I agree with this. For a long time, the ED was like a "salvation" to me, a way of survival. It was the tool I knew how to use. Later, as I developed other tools, the ED was no longer completely like a "salvation" but something else. I never quite figured out what the purpose was after my die-hard years of ED Hell, but there must have been one. Otherwise, I would have recovered a long time ago.
What are your thoughts? Are ED symptoms like salvation?
The first book that arrived was Kathryn Zerbe's Integrated Treatment of Eating Disorders: Beyond the Body Betrayed. I read her previous book The Body Betrayed a number of years ago and felt that was a good comprehensive book on eating disorders, so I was interested in what this book had to offer as well.
This book is geared more towards the practitioner/therapist, but I think it is likely useful for the client, especially in giving a perspective of what therapists may feel like/struggle with in treating the eating disorder population. The book is broken down into three sections: phases of treatment, treatment through life cycles, and special issues such as sexuality, transference, counter transference, and assessing outcomes and resiliency. I'm quite curious about the last section as those issues aren't necessarily talked about much in eating disorder books. In just a skim of the book, like her previous book, she devotes sections to biology too.
I'm only on the first chapter, but this quote struck me. I believe the quote was also used in her other book where she went more into detail. The context of the quote is in talking about how therapists have a difficult time in retrieving information from eating disorder persons due to the aspect of "identity" as the ED which the client encompasses.
H.N. Boris, a psychoanalyst said, "What we call their symptoms, they call their salvation."
In certain ways, I agree with this. For a long time, the ED was like a "salvation" to me, a way of survival. It was the tool I knew how to use. Later, as I developed other tools, the ED was no longer completely like a "salvation" but something else. I never quite figured out what the purpose was after my die-hard years of ED Hell, but there must have been one. Otherwise, I would have recovered a long time ago.
What are your thoughts? Are ED symptoms like salvation?
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Cracked plates
I finished Handle with Care the other day. I didn't expect the book to end quite the way it did but my assumptions were correct in how the book was written. Overall, it was a good read and raised interesting points in a variety of issues. It really gives me more respect with those with OI and what their families have to go through both emotionally and financially.
There were two quotes which stuck out for me the most in the book. I'm only going to discuss one here and post the other one at a later time.
At the end of the book, Charlotte says: "Things that break--be they bones, hearts, promises--can be put back together but will never really be whole."
This reminds me a lot about the cracked plate analogy someone once told me. Actually, I've been wanting to post this for awhile but I could not find a cracked plate image, and I wasn't about to break a plate to just photograph. However, ironically, a few weeks ago, my favorite bowl broke. So that image will have to suffice, and then you can be at your own devices to think about a cracked plate if you want. ;-)
At the time I heard the cracked plate analogy, it was in reference to a dog. She had had trauma in her life which was irreparable. Though the owner did her best to help the dog overcome her trauma, and had successful management, it became too much for the dog. The dog continually tried to hold it together, but in the end, the pressure of the crack was too much to bear.
I think about this with myself and so many others. We all have cracks no doubt which leave indelible scars. We all try hard to put on a facade that everything is okay, that our cracked plates are really together. When in fact, they could break at any moment. Then, we are left with the shattered pieces, repairing ourselves which will never truly be the same.
I think about this type of thing a lot, because I think about "wholeness"--how I want to desperately be whole. Maybe I'm just chasing an illusion that will never be there. Maybe I'm tired of just repairing my cracked plate, just lying to myself that it can be the same, different, be something other than what it is.
Related post: succession of a nut
There were two quotes which stuck out for me the most in the book. I'm only going to discuss one here and post the other one at a later time.
At the end of the book, Charlotte says: "Things that break--be they bones, hearts, promises--can be put back together but will never really be whole."
This reminds me a lot about the cracked plate analogy someone once told me. Actually, I've been wanting to post this for awhile but I could not find a cracked plate image, and I wasn't about to break a plate to just photograph. However, ironically, a few weeks ago, my favorite bowl broke. So that image will have to suffice, and then you can be at your own devices to think about a cracked plate if you want. ;-)
I think about this with myself and so many others. We all have cracks no doubt which leave indelible scars. We all try hard to put on a facade that everything is okay, that our cracked plates are really together. When in fact, they could break at any moment. Then, we are left with the shattered pieces, repairing ourselves which will never truly be the same.
I think about this type of thing a lot, because I think about "wholeness"--how I want to desperately be whole. Maybe I'm just chasing an illusion that will never be there. Maybe I'm tired of just repairing my cracked plate, just lying to myself that it can be the same, different, be something other than what it is.
Related post: succession of a nut
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Handle with Care
Currently, I'm reading Jodi Picoult's new novel, Handle with Care. Coincidentally, I was able to actually place the book on "hold" while it was "in processing" at my local library. Thus, I'm the first to get my hands on it before so many other place holds on them. I'm almost halfway through the book, and as is Picoult's style, it is a very engaging read.
From Jodi Picoult's website, a brief synopsis of the book:
When Charlotte and Sean O’Keefe’s daughter, Willow, is born with severe Osteogenesis Imperfecta, they are devastated – she will suffer hundreds of broken bones as she grows, a lifetime of pain. As the family struggles to make ends meet to cover Willow’s medical expenses, Charlotte thinks she has found an answer. If she files a wrongful birth lawsuit against her ob/gyn for not telling her in advance that her child would be born severely disabled, the monetary payouts might ensure a lifetime of care for Willow. But it means that Charlotte has to get up in a court of law and say in public that she would have terminated the pregnancy if she’d known about the disability in advance – words that her husband can’t abide, that Willow will hear, and that Charlotte cannot reconcile. And the ob/gyn she’s suing isn’t just her physician – it’s her best friend.
Besides the story of their child with OI, another story is weaved with their other, adolescent daughter who struggles with not only her sister's illness but also issues of perfectionism, feeling of want by her mother, and simple attention as well. This time, this character turns to bulimia as well as cutting. I thought this was an interesting (though of course realistic too) decision to use the eating disorder as this character's way of coping. In other books, Picoult has used other destructive means like cutting, drugs, etc. But to my knowledge, this was the first she actually used an eating disorder. (I could be wrong on this since I have not read all of her books)
I was able to ask this question to her today in a live Q&A from the Washington Post Book World discussion. Kind of exciting! After her answer, it made more sense to me why she chose this means per se. I think a lot had to do with the fact that eating disorders are so secretive and because her mother was wrapped up taking care of the other daughter with OI, her other daughter's emotions, struggles, lack of coping well, flew under the radar.
I also asked if in the future she was going to use an eating disorder individual as a main plot line. I was holding out hope that maybe she would consider this as I'd be very interested to see how she developed the character. Sadly, she thought she probably would not any time soon. Oh well. However, if you're interested in autism, her next book's main character revolved around this diagnosis as well as being accused of murder.
Anyway, I'll give an opinion of the book once I'm finished if anyone is interested. If you haven't read her novels, I highly recommend them. She does a great job with in-depth characters, weaving different plot lines, discussing many issues revolved around families, and she always has a moral question in her books, often with a twist at the end. Some people find her books a bit predictable, and in a way they are once you know her style. Still, however, they make you think twice about how you would handle a certain situation. And any book that leaves me thinking more is a great read in my opinion.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Unbearable weight
There's no doubt that Eating Disorders Awareness Week is important. I truly value it, however, the week has always left me feeling a bit awkward. In college, I belonged to an eating disorders awareness group. We did activities like a health fair, had panel discussions, showed movies, and even sponsored the Century Project one year.
I always did my part for the group and attended the events. My favorites were usually the panel discussions, however, I always found myself sitting in the back, slumped down in my chair, worried about who might be there/see me. I still feel this way at times going to eating disorders events. Maybe if I was in a stronger place in recovery, it might be different. Or maybe if I went with other people, I might feel more at ease. It's hard to say for sure, but I'm giving myself a challenge this week.
On Friday, there is a presentation by Susan Bordo, the author of Unbearable Weight. I've known about this for months and have even arranged to take the afternoon off of work to go. I also reread the book just to refamiliarize myself with her theory on "body studies." It was interesting that even though this book was originally written in 1993, I still saw the same basic issues relevant to today. It seems body studies are an in thing and don't go out of style. I also realized in her notes section of the new preface, an article was cited that I was in some years ago.
The challenge I'm giving myself is to sit (upstraight I might add) in any other place than the back row. I'd say front row, but that might be a little daunting for me. I just have to remind myself that really no one is going to care whether I am there or not. I'll give a report back if anything interesting is said.
*Note--rereading this, it seems like such a pathetic challenge, but I'll do it anyway ;-)
*Note--the book is quite good. It is philosophical and academic, and some parts do go over my head, but it does give an in-depth look at the role of culture and our bodies.
I always did my part for the group and attended the events. My favorites were usually the panel discussions, however, I always found myself sitting in the back, slumped down in my chair, worried about who might be there/see me. I still feel this way at times going to eating disorders events. Maybe if I was in a stronger place in recovery, it might be different. Or maybe if I went with other people, I might feel more at ease. It's hard to say for sure, but I'm giving myself a challenge this week.
On Friday, there is a presentation by Susan Bordo, the author of Unbearable Weight. I've known about this for months and have even arranged to take the afternoon off of work to go. I also reread the book just to refamiliarize myself with her theory on "body studies." It was interesting that even though this book was originally written in 1993, I still saw the same basic issues relevant to today. It seems body studies are an in thing and don't go out of style. I also realized in her notes section of the new preface, an article was cited that I was in some years ago.
The challenge I'm giving myself is to sit (upstraight I might add) in any other place than the back row. I'd say front row, but that might be a little daunting for me. I just have to remind myself that really no one is going to care whether I am there or not. I'll give a report back if anything interesting is said.
*Note--rereading this, it seems like such a pathetic challenge, but I'll do it anyway ;-)
*Note--the book is quite good. It is philosophical and academic, and some parts do go over my head, but it does give an in-depth look at the role of culture and our bodies.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Your body: opened up
This is the second post related to the book Final Exam. I forgot to mention in my last post that Dr. Pauline Chen has an excellent column in the Health "Doctor and Patient" section of the NY Times. Dr. Chen discusses a variety of issues related to medicine and patient care. In my opinion, she offers some interesting insights.
Like I mentioned in my last post, I find the topic of death fascinating. Not just for the physical aspects of what happens to you after death, but also how people perceive death. In the first chapter of the book, Dr. Chen begins her medical school journey. As with every medical student, the gross anatomy lab is required as well as dissecting a cadaver, a human being that once was. The main objective for the medical student is not only to learn human anatomy, but also to depersonalize themselves with a human being. After all, would they really be able to just cut someone open?
Many cadavers medical students use are from people who have donated their bodies for this purpose. Because some students have emotional difficulty with this particular lab and others develop poor bedside manners, it's one reason why more medical schools have implemented death and dying courses in their curriculum. Other schools also hold ceremonies for their cadavers, understanding the "gift" the individuals have given them.
The cadaver Dr. Chen had (and she goes into lengthy detail as to all the parts of the body which I won't get into here) was a woman who had end stage ovarian cancer. This was not evident until they found the masses in the cadaver's abdomen. For many of the students, Dr. Chen describes it as they were already looking at this as "voyeuristic art."
One of the last parts of the cadaver dissection is seeing the face which had been previously covered. Dr. Chen says:
"somehow I felt that seeing her face--her eyes, her lips, and her final expression--would confirm the life I had tried to re-create in my mind...The eyes, I hoped, would finally tell me the rest of her story. I would be able to look upon her as those who surrounded her during her life had."
Unfortunately, for Dr. Chen, this did not occur, because there were only empty eye sockets where the eyes should have been. The likely case was that her corneas had also been donated. The brain was also removed for a later time for dissection.
As I was reading this chapter, it made me think about my own body. Hypothetically, if I or anyone one of us were dead right now, how would others view our bodies? Would our bodies and eyes tell the tale of our eating disorders?
More than likely, for many of us who live in that "in between" life, it would be hard to tell that an eating disorder lived there or was once there. I think the same would be true for someone who has recovered or is in recovery. Internally, I don't know how much our organs change unless there has already been extensive damage done. And even with that, if someone did not know the history of that cadaver, there could be a variety of hypothetical guesses and diagnoses.
Then, the question is would it matter? We all hear about the survivor stories of cancer, of some horrible medical illness, some awful trauma, sexual abuse, physical abuse, domestic violence, etc. People find all those to be important, to mean something, to realize they have fought and taken their lives back. Though people use the terminology "I survived anorexia" and such, it's still not seen as a really big accomplishment. I think it should not be discounted as it takes a lot of hard work. Certainly, this isn't the only accomplishment in one's life, but it does matter.
I guess in some ways I think it is kind of sad. I obviously cannot predict when I die, and I'm hopeful that I have recovered by that point. But sometimes, there is a hope that my body will leave some mark that I once did have an eating disorder but survived it. Knowing my body, all that will be left are my outer scars--the scars from my hand surgeries, scars from scratches (from dogs, not me), and a scar from what we think was a hot water burn when I was very young, at least that's what I told my parents. These are all external. The internal scars wouldn't be seen. They'd be invisible.
What I find ironic about this is that I go to lengths in hiding the eating disorder both in forms of past and present. But yet, there is part of me after death that wants someone to know--almost like a way of releasing a secret. But then again, maybe my life will be so different at that time, that it won't matter to me anymore. It'll just be another "did this, did that, and got the t-shirt" deal.
What are people's thoughts on this? If your body was opened right now, how would others view it? How would you want others to view it? Does surviving an eating disorder matter to you? Is there importance in leaving a mark of it behind?
*For the record, I have not decided yet whether I will donate my body, but if I do, I hope it is treated with the utmost respect as donating really is a beautiful gesture of generosity.
Like I mentioned in my last post, I find the topic of death fascinating. Not just for the physical aspects of what happens to you after death, but also how people perceive death. In the first chapter of the book, Dr. Chen begins her medical school journey. As with every medical student, the gross anatomy lab is required as well as dissecting a cadaver, a human being that once was. The main objective for the medical student is not only to learn human anatomy, but also to depersonalize themselves with a human being. After all, would they really be able to just cut someone open?
Many cadavers medical students use are from people who have donated their bodies for this purpose. Because some students have emotional difficulty with this particular lab and others develop poor bedside manners, it's one reason why more medical schools have implemented death and dying courses in their curriculum. Other schools also hold ceremonies for their cadavers, understanding the "gift" the individuals have given them.
The cadaver Dr. Chen had (and she goes into lengthy detail as to all the parts of the body which I won't get into here) was a woman who had end stage ovarian cancer. This was not evident until they found the masses in the cadaver's abdomen. For many of the students, Dr. Chen describes it as they were already looking at this as "voyeuristic art."
One of the last parts of the cadaver dissection is seeing the face which had been previously covered. Dr. Chen says:
"somehow I felt that seeing her face--her eyes, her lips, and her final expression--would confirm the life I had tried to re-create in my mind...The eyes, I hoped, would finally tell me the rest of her story. I would be able to look upon her as those who surrounded her during her life had."
Unfortunately, for Dr. Chen, this did not occur, because there were only empty eye sockets where the eyes should have been. The likely case was that her corneas had also been donated. The brain was also removed for a later time for dissection.
As I was reading this chapter, it made me think about my own body. Hypothetically, if I or anyone one of us were dead right now, how would others view our bodies? Would our bodies and eyes tell the tale of our eating disorders?
More than likely, for many of us who live in that "in between" life, it would be hard to tell that an eating disorder lived there or was once there. I think the same would be true for someone who has recovered or is in recovery. Internally, I don't know how much our organs change unless there has already been extensive damage done. And even with that, if someone did not know the history of that cadaver, there could be a variety of hypothetical guesses and diagnoses.
Then, the question is would it matter? We all hear about the survivor stories of cancer, of some horrible medical illness, some awful trauma, sexual abuse, physical abuse, domestic violence, etc. People find all those to be important, to mean something, to realize they have fought and taken their lives back. Though people use the terminology "I survived anorexia" and such, it's still not seen as a really big accomplishment. I think it should not be discounted as it takes a lot of hard work. Certainly, this isn't the only accomplishment in one's life, but it does matter.
I guess in some ways I think it is kind of sad. I obviously cannot predict when I die, and I'm hopeful that I have recovered by that point. But sometimes, there is a hope that my body will leave some mark that I once did have an eating disorder but survived it. Knowing my body, all that will be left are my outer scars--the scars from my hand surgeries, scars from scratches (from dogs, not me), and a scar from what we think was a hot water burn when I was very young, at least that's what I told my parents. These are all external. The internal scars wouldn't be seen. They'd be invisible.
What I find ironic about this is that I go to lengths in hiding the eating disorder both in forms of past and present. But yet, there is part of me after death that wants someone to know--almost like a way of releasing a secret. But then again, maybe my life will be so different at that time, that it won't matter to me anymore. It'll just be another "did this, did that, and got the t-shirt" deal.
What are people's thoughts on this? If your body was opened right now, how would others view it? How would you want others to view it? Does surviving an eating disorder matter to you? Is there importance in leaving a mark of it behind?
*For the record, I have not decided yet whether I will donate my body, but if I do, I hope it is treated with the utmost respect as donating really is a beautiful gesture of generosity.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
"In between"
Amazon
I finally got around to finishing this book. If you can't read the small print in the title, it's "a surgeon's reflections on mortality." In the book, Dr. Pauline Chen writes about the paradox in medicine between caring for the ill and systematically depersonalizing the dying. Though the book is about medicine and mortality, there were a few instances where I thought eating disorders could be applied. The next two posts are related to the book.
I should first preface this with acknowledging that my head is in an okay space. It's not like years before when all I could think about was death. These days, those thoughts have lessened, aren't as powerful, but yet, I do still find death a fascinating topic!
Anyway, onto the blog post.
Somewhere halfway through the book, Dr. Chen talks about the difficulty in knowing when someone is really dying and when is the right time to "let go." She says one of the "misconceptions of dying, it is this belief--that death is a certain, discrete event completely distinguishable from life..."
She goes on to quote Doctors Joanne Lynn and Joan Harrold from their Handbook for Mortals:
I found this to be quite a thought provoking quote which could be applied dually to eating disorders in the state of disorderedness and in recovery. In an eating disordered/disordered eating state, unless someone appears skeletal and emaciated, people are not naturally going to think they are physically dying, that they are living a "slow death." Although this has certainly been disputed as anyone can suffer from an eating disorder and we don't all have to look the stereotypical part, still, it's hard to define "dying." Thus, so many live in this "in between" state.
The same holds true for recovery. Recovery is like a spectrum. It seems only a small percentage reach the end to be considered "fully recovered." (I know that statement can be a bit controversial) However, most seem to live in this "in between" state of not yet truly healthy nor completely consumed by their eating disorder. It can leave many individuals in a constant state of flux and ambivalence.
Then, as the last part of the quote mentions, those who don't recover or even ones who are "functional" may wind up with the label "chronic." In this sense, it can mean living with the illness versus dying from it. Neither seem like great options, so it's hard to tell whether one seems worse than the other.
If it is true that so many of us live in this "in between" state, how do we get ourselves fully out of it?
What is your opinion? Are so many of us living in the "in between" state?
I should first preface this with acknowledging that my head is in an okay space. It's not like years before when all I could think about was death. These days, those thoughts have lessened, aren't as powerful, but yet, I do still find death a fascinating topic!
Anyway, onto the blog post.
Somewhere halfway through the book, Dr. Chen talks about the difficulty in knowing when someone is really dying and when is the right time to "let go." She says one of the "misconceptions of dying, it is this belief--that death is a certain, discrete event completely distinguishable from life..."
She goes on to quote Doctors Joanne Lynn and Joan Harrold from their Handbook for Mortals:
Perhaps the classifications as "dying" is really more like height than it is like gender. Some people are clearly "tall" or "short," but many are "in between." Likewise, some people are clearly "dying" or "fully healthy," but many are "in between." In fact, most of us will die without having a period when we could readily be recognized as "dying." or "terminally ill." The new reality is that most of us will die from complications of a serious chronic illness that we will "live with" for years. There will only occasionally be a transition from the"living with" to a time of "dying from."
I found this to be quite a thought provoking quote which could be applied dually to eating disorders in the state of disorderedness and in recovery. In an eating disordered/disordered eating state, unless someone appears skeletal and emaciated, people are not naturally going to think they are physically dying, that they are living a "slow death." Although this has certainly been disputed as anyone can suffer from an eating disorder and we don't all have to look the stereotypical part, still, it's hard to define "dying." Thus, so many live in this "in between" state.
The same holds true for recovery. Recovery is like a spectrum. It seems only a small percentage reach the end to be considered "fully recovered." (I know that statement can be a bit controversial) However, most seem to live in this "in between" state of not yet truly healthy nor completely consumed by their eating disorder. It can leave many individuals in a constant state of flux and ambivalence.
Then, as the last part of the quote mentions, those who don't recover or even ones who are "functional" may wind up with the label "chronic." In this sense, it can mean living with the illness versus dying from it. Neither seem like great options, so it's hard to tell whether one seems worse than the other.
If it is true that so many of us live in this "in between" state, how do we get ourselves fully out of it?
What is your opinion? Are so many of us living in the "in between" state?
Friday, December 12, 2008
To tell the truth
image: amazon
I recently read Maya Angelou's Letter To My Daughter. The book is a series of lessons based on Angelou's life experiences which she has found useful. Although she has never had a daughter, the book is an offering to all the daughters of every race, ethnicity, shape, education, background, etc.
One particular chapter intrigued me called "To tell the truth." She opens with the three word question of "how are you?" Everyday, people ask this to one another. It has become just a simple conversation starter. Do people really want to know how you are when they ask this question?
Angelou mentions the fact that people may say blatant lies about someone, such as "you look great" when they've lost dangerous amounts of weight or vice versa. As she says,"we all swallow the untruth in part to keep the peace and in part because we do not wish to deal with the truth."
She goes on to say how liberating it is to be honest, and that we should try to answer truthfully when people ask how we are. There will be people who do not want to hear what you have to say, however, Angelou says, "But think of it this way, if people avoid you, you will have more time to meditate and do fine research for a cure for whatever truly afflicts you."
I think about those three words, "How are you?" Most the time, I simply answer FINE. For some the FINE acronym is "Fucked Up Neurotic Emotional." I guess it seems easier to answer this way (especially with my parents) instead of going into all the complicated, irrational, fearful thoughts I may have. There is still such a fear of worrying people, of feeling pity, of shame, of them thinking what a basketcase I am. Even the instances where I've been truthful (other than therapy), there isn't a feeling of people really caring. The truth can place people in awkward positions, and they don't know what to say or how to react; instead, they just go on talking about the weather.
How do you answer the question of "how are you?" Do you tell the truth or the untruth? What does meaning the truth mean to you?
I recently read Maya Angelou's Letter To My Daughter. The book is a series of lessons based on Angelou's life experiences which she has found useful. Although she has never had a daughter, the book is an offering to all the daughters of every race, ethnicity, shape, education, background, etc.One particular chapter intrigued me called "To tell the truth." She opens with the three word question of "how are you?" Everyday, people ask this to one another. It has become just a simple conversation starter. Do people really want to know how you are when they ask this question?
Angelou mentions the fact that people may say blatant lies about someone, such as "you look great" when they've lost dangerous amounts of weight or vice versa. As she says,"we all swallow the untruth in part to keep the peace and in part because we do not wish to deal with the truth."
She goes on to say how liberating it is to be honest, and that we should try to answer truthfully when people ask how we are. There will be people who do not want to hear what you have to say, however, Angelou says, "But think of it this way, if people avoid you, you will have more time to meditate and do fine research for a cure for whatever truly afflicts you."
I think about those three words, "How are you?" Most the time, I simply answer FINE. For some the FINE acronym is "Fucked Up Neurotic Emotional." I guess it seems easier to answer this way (especially with my parents) instead of going into all the complicated, irrational, fearful thoughts I may have. There is still such a fear of worrying people, of feeling pity, of shame, of them thinking what a basketcase I am. Even the instances where I've been truthful (other than therapy), there isn't a feeling of people really caring. The truth can place people in awkward positions, and they don't know what to say or how to react; instead, they just go on talking about the weather.
How do you answer the question of "how are you?" Do you tell the truth or the untruth? What does meaning the truth mean to you?
Monday, November 24, 2008
Bulimia is a dental disease
We all know that eating disorders can wreck havoc on oral health. Bulimia, most notably can take a heavier toll at first symptoms which continue to accumulate further as the eating disorder progresses. In this press release, Dr. Brian McKay, a dentist in Seattle, discusses his new book, Bulimia is a Dental Disease.
McKay's goal is not only to educate about the damage of bulimia to one's oral health, but also to bring together the dental community in helping eating disorder clients. McKay says, "We need a change in the Standard of Care. Dentists must form alliances with eating disorder professionals. Together we can treat both the mental and oral aspects of this disease and the result should be a higher success rate. There is nothing more inviting than seeing someone smile again."
To my knowledge, this is the first book exclusively addressing bulimia and dental health. I have no clue how the book is, but I think it is a good step to help educate and bridge the gap between dentists and eating disorder clients.
In my opinion, I think even if dentists may know there is a problem, there is a hesitancy in bringing up the issue despite the fact that some clients may come in multiple times or simply for one visit never to be seen again. As much time as I've spent in dentists' offices over the last twelve years, not one brought up or asked about my eating disorder. It kind of felt like the giant elephant in the room. It wasn't until a few years ago when I changed dentists and decided to be completely honest that it was discussed. I found them (there were two at the time) to be non-judgmental and helpful, even when I was so frustrated that the damage was completely irreversible despite reducing my purging behavior.
The take home message is that dentists and professionals need to collaborate together to help their eating disorder clients. In effect, this will allow clients to communicate and discuss these issues, even if it is only about damage control, like Lola posts about here.
McKay's goal is not only to educate about the damage of bulimia to one's oral health, but also to bring together the dental community in helping eating disorder clients. McKay says, "We need a change in the Standard of Care. Dentists must form alliances with eating disorder professionals. Together we can treat both the mental and oral aspects of this disease and the result should be a higher success rate. There is nothing more inviting than seeing someone smile again."
To my knowledge, this is the first book exclusively addressing bulimia and dental health. I have no clue how the book is, but I think it is a good step to help educate and bridge the gap between dentists and eating disorder clients.
In my opinion, I think even if dentists may know there is a problem, there is a hesitancy in bringing up the issue despite the fact that some clients may come in multiple times or simply for one visit never to be seen again. As much time as I've spent in dentists' offices over the last twelve years, not one brought up or asked about my eating disorder. It kind of felt like the giant elephant in the room. It wasn't until a few years ago when I changed dentists and decided to be completely honest that it was discussed. I found them (there were two at the time) to be non-judgmental and helpful, even when I was so frustrated that the damage was completely irreversible despite reducing my purging behavior.
The take home message is that dentists and professionals need to collaborate together to help their eating disorder clients. In effect, this will allow clients to communicate and discuss these issues, even if it is only about damage control, like Lola posts about here.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Diary of an Exercise Addict
image: peachfriedman
I read the book Diary of an Exercise Addict this weekend. I had first read about Peach Friedman in a People magazine article on exercise addiction published a few years ago. I was interested in hearing how her recovery went and found out she was publishing this book.
Overall, I think this is a pretty inspiring book. She considers herself recovered but knows to keep a cautious eye as well. Currently, she is a personal trainer and works with the Summit Eating Disorders program in California.
This memoir is written like a diary but not exactly either. It is not as raw or triggering as some other memoirs on eating disorders have been (not that that should be the point but for some it makes it easier for them to relate), but Peach delves into the physical and emotional aspects of her eating disorder. I really like how she gives opposing views of being eating disordered--being so numbed out to the world and recognizing only small, minute details that most people would not even think about, her movement towards recovery--that it was a lot tougher than she expected but was willing to trust her treatment team, and finally recovery as a beautiful, young woman who learned to accept her body and take care of it.
Peach was lucky in that her eating disorder didn't have the duration as other sufferers, and she was able to receive help with the intervention of her supportive parents, therapist, and dietitian. This is not to take away from the years of pain or suffering from her eating disorder, but moreso a reminder how quickly one can descent into the grips of an eating disorder. She's also a role model in showing that you can recover on an outpatient basis which I really did find remarkable given her malnourished condition. She talks about the book in this interview with a local station and more information about her can be found on her website here.
I read the book Diary of an Exercise Addict this weekend. I had first read about Peach Friedman in a People magazine article on exercise addiction published a few years ago. I was interested in hearing how her recovery went and found out she was publishing this book.Overall, I think this is a pretty inspiring book. She considers herself recovered but knows to keep a cautious eye as well. Currently, she is a personal trainer and works with the Summit Eating Disorders program in California.
This memoir is written like a diary but not exactly either. It is not as raw or triggering as some other memoirs on eating disorders have been (not that that should be the point but for some it makes it easier for them to relate), but Peach delves into the physical and emotional aspects of her eating disorder. I really like how she gives opposing views of being eating disordered--being so numbed out to the world and recognizing only small, minute details that most people would not even think about, her movement towards recovery--that it was a lot tougher than she expected but was willing to trust her treatment team, and finally recovery as a beautiful, young woman who learned to accept her body and take care of it.
Peach was lucky in that her eating disorder didn't have the duration as other sufferers, and she was able to receive help with the intervention of her supportive parents, therapist, and dietitian. This is not to take away from the years of pain or suffering from her eating disorder, but moreso a reminder how quickly one can descent into the grips of an eating disorder. She's also a role model in showing that you can recover on an outpatient basis which I really did find remarkable given her malnourished condition. She talks about the book in this interview with a local station and more information about her can be found on her website here.
**********
Reading this book was interesting for me, especially given the fact that I was familiar with the area she lived and knew of one of the girls she spoke about in the book (someone I knew in elementary school). I did not grow up there but frequented the area while training in gymnastics, so I could relate with what she had to say about the culture and perceptions there. It makes me wonder if I had lived there (at one point, my parents offered to send me to a private school, so I could be closer to my gymnastics center) what the outcome of me would have been.
But more than that, it reminded me of the missing points of intervention that I could have had or maybe should have had, wandering if things would have been different. One friend of mine used to tell me I was always just a step away from inpatient, but ironically no one else really saw it that way--kind of like the not good enough anorexic or bulimic. It's probably one reason why I have such validation issues even to this day.
I know looking into the past and thinking about this stuff isn't helpful--that there are so many people who don't receive any treatment at all, can't get the treatment they really need due to insurance, or they die waiting. I know I should be thankful for even what I've received. And I am. Truly. I know in the end, it is up to me to decide what to do with the tools, knowledge, etc. that the many years of therapy have given me.
I don't know, I'm just feeling a bit mundane, retrospective, and ambivalent. Today was tough and sometimes even though I make a certain amount of progress facing fears, I still feel like I'm ever so slowly slipping too.
But more than that, it reminded me of the missing points of intervention that I could have had or maybe should have had, wandering if things would have been different. One friend of mine used to tell me I was always just a step away from inpatient, but ironically no one else really saw it that way--kind of like the not good enough anorexic or bulimic. It's probably one reason why I have such validation issues even to this day.
I know looking into the past and thinking about this stuff isn't helpful--that there are so many people who don't receive any treatment at all, can't get the treatment they really need due to insurance, or they die waiting. I know I should be thankful for even what I've received. And I am. Truly. I know in the end, it is up to me to decide what to do with the tools, knowledge, etc. that the many years of therapy have given me.
I don't know, I'm just feeling a bit mundane, retrospective, and ambivalent. Today was tough and sometimes even though I make a certain amount of progress facing fears, I still feel like I'm ever so slowly slipping too.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Maximizer versus Satisficer
I recently finished the book, The Paradox of Choice: why more is less by Barry Schwartz. Although not an eye-opening book per se, it did give me a lot of food for thought in how I function with making choices. Normally, you'd think that having so many choices would be a great thing. It is to an extent, but it can get hairy quickly. This comes when decision making becomes detrimental to our psyche and health. That, in essence, is the paradox of choice. I have a lot more thoughts about everyday paradoxes, but that'll be left for another post.
I want to focus on Maximization. Below is a cartoon about maximizers.
What is a maximizer? A maximizer is one who only seeks and accepts the best. They are the people who check out all the options before making any choice. They often take a long time before making a choice and will compare purchase decisions to choices others have made.
Even when they have made a choice, they worry that that was not the right option or may feel less satisfied and less positive with the choice they have made. They may also experience regret after a purchase or choice. Maximizers also don't cope with negative events well, take longer to recover from these events, and will ruminate about their experiences.
Many would think being a maximizer would be a good thing, but it can pay a price. A number of problems can occur with those who are maximizers, including feeling less happy, more regret, being more perfectionistic, and feeling an overload of choices. In the book, Sachwartz outlines a few studies that represented this.
Then there are individuals who are what Schwartz calls Satisificers. They are people who do check out options but settle for good enough or excellent but not necessarily the best. They don't worry about the choice they have made or that there might have been something better.
Compared with maximizers, satisficers take less time comparing and purchasing products. They do not seem to compare their decisions as much to others. They usually feel more positive about their choices and experience less regret than their counterparts.
Schwartz in general says how we should all strive to become more satisficers. However, he also realizes that it's also about acceptance too. For many people, they are "domain specific" of when they will be a maximizer or a satisficer. And that's really okay. It's when it becomes a point of real hindrance that there is a problem and it needs to be worked on.
Personally, for me, I was taught to always want the best out of life, that being number one, going to the best college, etc. was important. None of those things happened, and it left me feeling like I was "settling" for second best, second rate, that it wasn't enough, that I wasn't enough. I still have a really hard time with choices. I am positive I suffer from the overloading of choices phenomenon which has left me at a standstill at times. It's something I am working on and trying to realize that sometimes the best isn't all it's cut out to be. I know and have accepted that there will be certain things in life that I will always be a maximizer, but over the years, I have lessened it to a degree, especially with food/household items. I think a large part of that was financial to be honest, but also realizing that even those things that may have been second rate to me, I've come to actually just be satisfied with.
Here's a Maximization Test reprinted in the book, The Paradox of Choice courtesy via APA. Where do you fall on the Maximization Scale?
Maximization Scale
Ratings are from 1 (completely disagree) to 7 (completely agree) Scores can range from 13 to 91. A score of 65 or higher is on the maximization side. A score of 30 or lower is on the satisficing side.
1. Whenever I'm faced with a choice, I try to imagine what all the other possibilities are, even ones that aren't
present at the moment.
2. No matter how satisfied I am with my job, it's only right for me to be on the lookout for better opportunities.
3. When I am in the car listening to the radio, I often check other stations to see if something better is playing,
even if I am relatively satisfied with what I'm listening to.
4. When I watch tv, I channel surf, often scanning through the available options even while attempting to watch
one program.
5. I treat relationships like clothing; I expect to try a lot on before finding the perfect fit.
6. I often find it difficult to shop for a gift for a friend.
7. Renting videos is really difficult. I'm alway struggling to pick the best one.
8. When shopping, I have a hard time finding clothing that I really love.
9. I'm a big fan of lists that attempt to rank things (the best movies, the best singers, the best athletes, the best
novels, etc)
10. I find writing is very difficult, even if it's just writing a letter to a friend, because it's so hard to word things just
right. I often do several drafts of even simple things.
11. No matter what I do, I have the highest standards for myself.
12. I never settle for second best.
13. I often fantasize about living in ways that are quite different from my actual life.
I want to focus on Maximization. Below is a cartoon about maximizers.
 |
Published in The New Yorker 9/18/2000 by Leo Cullum
What is a maximizer? A maximizer is one who only seeks and accepts the best. They are the people who check out all the options before making any choice. They often take a long time before making a choice and will compare purchase decisions to choices others have made.
Even when they have made a choice, they worry that that was not the right option or may feel less satisfied and less positive with the choice they have made. They may also experience regret after a purchase or choice. Maximizers also don't cope with negative events well, take longer to recover from these events, and will ruminate about their experiences.
Many would think being a maximizer would be a good thing, but it can pay a price. A number of problems can occur with those who are maximizers, including feeling less happy, more regret, being more perfectionistic, and feeling an overload of choices. In the book, Sachwartz outlines a few studies that represented this.
Then there are individuals who are what Schwartz calls Satisificers. They are people who do check out options but settle for good enough or excellent but not necessarily the best. They don't worry about the choice they have made or that there might have been something better.
Compared with maximizers, satisficers take less time comparing and purchasing products. They do not seem to compare their decisions as much to others. They usually feel more positive about their choices and experience less regret than their counterparts.
Schwartz in general says how we should all strive to become more satisficers. However, he also realizes that it's also about acceptance too. For many people, they are "domain specific" of when they will be a maximizer or a satisficer. And that's really okay. It's when it becomes a point of real hindrance that there is a problem and it needs to be worked on.
Personally, for me, I was taught to always want the best out of life, that being number one, going to the best college, etc. was important. None of those things happened, and it left me feeling like I was "settling" for second best, second rate, that it wasn't enough, that I wasn't enough. I still have a really hard time with choices. I am positive I suffer from the overloading of choices phenomenon which has left me at a standstill at times. It's something I am working on and trying to realize that sometimes the best isn't all it's cut out to be. I know and have accepted that there will be certain things in life that I will always be a maximizer, but over the years, I have lessened it to a degree, especially with food/household items. I think a large part of that was financial to be honest, but also realizing that even those things that may have been second rate to me, I've come to actually just be satisfied with.
Here's a Maximization Test reprinted in the book, The Paradox of Choice courtesy via APA. Where do you fall on the Maximization Scale?
Maximization Scale
Ratings are from 1 (completely disagree) to 7 (completely agree) Scores can range from 13 to 91. A score of 65 or higher is on the maximization side. A score of 30 or lower is on the satisficing side.
1. Whenever I'm faced with a choice, I try to imagine what all the other possibilities are, even ones that aren't
present at the moment.
2. No matter how satisfied I am with my job, it's only right for me to be on the lookout for better opportunities.
3. When I am in the car listening to the radio, I often check other stations to see if something better is playing,
even if I am relatively satisfied with what I'm listening to.
4. When I watch tv, I channel surf, often scanning through the available options even while attempting to watch
one program.
5. I treat relationships like clothing; I expect to try a lot on before finding the perfect fit.
6. I often find it difficult to shop for a gift for a friend.
7. Renting videos is really difficult. I'm alway struggling to pick the best one.
8. When shopping, I have a hard time finding clothing that I really love.
9. I'm a big fan of lists that attempt to rank things (the best movies, the best singers, the best athletes, the best
novels, etc)
10. I find writing is very difficult, even if it's just writing a letter to a friend, because it's so hard to word things just
right. I often do several drafts of even simple things.
11. No matter what I do, I have the highest standards for myself.
12. I never settle for second best.
13. I often fantasize about living in ways that are quite different from my actual life.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Just what we need--another new diet book
A new book is out called The Pen and Paper Diet The website touts that this diet plan will allow adults to maintain their desired weight for the rest of their life, using scientific principles and common sense. Apparently, this diet plan accounts for height, age, weight, activity level, and gender and can be applied to ages 19-84 years old. The catch is that you have to continuously count calories throughout the day. Hmmm, is that really healthy?
The line that really sticks out for me the most seen in this press release is:
"This diet will be ideal for those that struggle with anorexia and bulimia because it can enable these individuals to maintain their weight at the low end of BMI like they would prefer while digesting their food," Dow says.
I should note that Dow and his wife are not medical experts but two people who wanted to lose weight. I think I'm astonished that someone would even say this. Sure, many with anorexia and bulimia don't want to gain weight. Even when weight is gained, many want to hover at the minimal range of ideal which just puts that person at risk to fall back into old patterns. This can also lead to living like a "functional" eating disorder individual, making that seem okay. But really, it is not okay. It's not okay to be married to your calorie counter or your scale. :sigh:
The line that really sticks out for me the most seen in this press release is:
"This diet will be ideal for those that struggle with anorexia and bulimia because it can enable these individuals to maintain their weight at the low end of BMI like they would prefer while digesting their food," Dow says.
I should note that Dow and his wife are not medical experts but two people who wanted to lose weight. I think I'm astonished that someone would even say this. Sure, many with anorexia and bulimia don't want to gain weight. Even when weight is gained, many want to hover at the minimal range of ideal which just puts that person at risk to fall back into old patterns. This can also lead to living like a "functional" eating disorder individual, making that seem okay. But really, it is not okay. It's not okay to be married to your calorie counter or your scale. :sigh:
**********
Besides this new book coming out, I've also been seeing the trend in weight loss by a few of my clients. One is a woman who recently got back from Hawaii. She and her husband have a condo there and go every year for several weeks. I knew she had been on Weight Watchers and was attending meetings and such, but I was surprised at her weight loss. She said she thinks that most people had only seen her when she had gained weight and not the weight she was most of her adult life. I don't know whether things could get out of control or not, but it is a little worrisome.
Then I saw my good friend last week out of the blue. I had left a number of messages for her but didn't hear back. When I saw her, I could tell she had lost weight. She said she was on the "CNS diet, ie "caffeine, nicotine, and stress" diet. Most of her life, she has been big and losing weight was always a tough battle for her. However, I do not think this is the way to go. She said it's mostly stemming from personal problems. I do worry since she is a good friend.
The last client is a married couple. When I last saw them, it was noticeable that they too had lost weight. Neither were what I'd call overweight, just more on the average. They talked about their weight loss saying it was mostly due to drinking more water, some exercising, and eating healthier. I do know the woman has been doing more exercise since her job position changed. I guess I hope that it was a healthy approach for them.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm more sensitive to people losing weight. I can understand losing some weight for health, but I always have this fear it will go overboard for them. Maybe I'm just too clouded by my own experiences. I keep wondering if these people are married to their calorie counting books or their points systems or whether they have just embraced healthy living. The latter is my hope.
Then I saw my good friend last week out of the blue. I had left a number of messages for her but didn't hear back. When I saw her, I could tell she had lost weight. She said she was on the "CNS diet, ie "caffeine, nicotine, and stress" diet. Most of her life, she has been big and losing weight was always a tough battle for her. However, I do not think this is the way to go. She said it's mostly stemming from personal problems. I do worry since she is a good friend.
The last client is a married couple. When I last saw them, it was noticeable that they too had lost weight. Neither were what I'd call overweight, just more on the average. They talked about their weight loss saying it was mostly due to drinking more water, some exercising, and eating healthier. I do know the woman has been doing more exercise since her job position changed. I guess I hope that it was a healthy approach for them.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm more sensitive to people losing weight. I can understand losing some weight for health, but I always have this fear it will go overboard for them. Maybe I'm just too clouded by my own experiences. I keep wondering if these people are married to their calorie counting books or their points systems or whether they have just embraced healthy living. The latter is my hope.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
The Tenth Circle
Lifetime aired The Tenth Circle last night by Jodi Picoult. If you haven't read her books, they are excellent. She focuses on family issues, children growing up, and ethical issues. She does a very good job with giving her characters a 3-dimensional depth, exploring their feelings and thoughts. Her books also usually have a slight twist to the ending as well.
I was really looking forward to this movie. I always like to see how much movies stay true to the book. For the most part, it was fairly accurate from what I can remember, except it left out a huge chunk of the book that I felt was important. I guess they felt like it wasn't important enough or there was enough plot without it. Did anyone else see this? What were your impressions? Also, an encore of it will be played at 7 PM EST tonight.
By the way, her book My Sister's Keeper, is also being made into a movie, schedule to come out in 2009. The role of the mother is being played by Cameron Diaz. Already, people are not sure of this casting. Apparently, Dakota and Elle Fanning her supposed to play the parts of the sisters but both dropped out, and now it will be Abigail Breslin and Sofia Vassilieva. Alec Baldwin will also be in the movie. There are rumors that there may be some changes from the book, like the ending as well as the ages of the daughters. Hmm, stay tuned for this one.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Madness
amazon
I just finished the book, Madness, by Marya Hornbacher. Most of you will know that she also wrote Wasted, published ten years ago, about her ordeal with anorexia and bulimia. As with most books, the reviews are mixed with some people praising the book, while others feel like she has sensationalized her illness. My personal opinion falls more towards understanding and appreciating her candor. I think reading this book after having read Wasted when it first came out, her behaviors make more sense to me. I remember when there was so much talk going on about Wasted, rumors had spread she had relapsed into her ED and been hospitalized. When it reality, it was really for the bipolar, not her ED at the time though there were some relapses.
Personally, I've always liked her style of writing, and this book really captivated me. Her writing makes you feel like you are there right with her, feeling the flow of her highs and lows. In all honesty, I'm amazed she is still alive with everything she has done/been through. Listening to her in an interview on psychjourney, I just don't get the impression she is out there to really "sensationalize" herself, just more that this is her daily life and how she manages/mismanages it.
Sometimes I've wondered whether I would fit bipolar disorder, more along the lines of bipolar II or soft bipolar, however, sometimes it's hard to distinguish how much of it would be from an actual disorder versus a semi-starved/starved state. I've never sought after a diagnosis but just know that anti-depressants in general didn't do much for me when I was younger. Perhaps, the wrong ones or maybe a different disorder. Hard to tell, but right now, I seem to be "okay," or at least not feeling like the world would end or something.
Within the last few years, there has been more research on bipolar disorders, especially in diagnosis. It's been concluded in many studies how bipolar has been misdiagnosed for another psychiatric disorder. The need for receiving the right treatment is contingent upon a correct diagnosis. It's my hope as more awareness is out there for bipolar and its various forms, more people receive the treatment they much need. And as with many mental illnesses, that it is treatable and manageable.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Food thoughts
Lately, I've been thinking a lot about food. I always found it funny how lay people would think people with eating disorders really don't think about food when it's the very opposite. The brain become starved for food, and that's when the obsession sets in. My thinking of food isn't really about though. I don't consider myself in a starved state right now. Actually, my thoughts are due to several things.
One reason is just due to the marathon and wanting to be healthy and eat sufficiently. I've been trying to look at food solely as fuel for the body without adding all those moral attachments. I'm not as successful as I'd like to be, but I try to remain optimistic that one day I'll get to that point.
I think in general, however, I fight this a lot. This feeling of wanting to be healthy but really afraid of that word "healthy" too. Most people who look at me think I'm very healthy physically and mentally speaking. They believe that I am a healthy eater, eating my daily servings of everything from the food pyramid. They think I don't eat candy, cookies, candy bars, ice cream, or anything that would be considered "unhealthy, processed foods." Truth be told, sure I eat some of this stuff and then still wreak my brain as to why I'm even eating it. Do I really enjoy it? No. Or maybe I don't allow myself to enjoy it since guilt is the residual feeling.
Then recently I finished In Defense of Food by Michael Pollan.
I wrote a post about it briefly when it came out on how excited I was to read this book. Well, it wasn't as exciting as I thought. It was still a good book, and he did say things I agree with. However, it left me feeling guilty and uncomfortable for even eating any type of processed food. No, I don't think I'm orthorexic though maybe at times border that line. I think, unfortunately, if I could afford everything organic, this type of obsession which orthorexics display could easily arise. I actually think in some sort of bizarre way my obsession with wheat thins and animal crackers keeps me at bay from falling into that trap. They are really the only refined processed food I eat daily, though too much of it at times that my parents like to tell me they are my own foods groups.
Maybe I left feeling the way I did from the book, because I have food problems anyway? I'm not sure really. It just leaves me grappling in this constant state of flux that I'm not sure how to get out of. Maybe if I didn't place so many expectations on myself or even care so much what people thought, these moralistic thoughts wouldn't take hold of me so much.
The funny thing about all this is that I've often told clients in our dog obedience classes that they should buy the best food they can afford for their dogs. I've always been a firm believer that diets do affect behavior, and I've seen this with dogs a lot. I guess maybe I should follow my own advice and not berate myself for being completely organic or the ultra health person.
It's just sometimes hard when that's how everyone seems to perceive you. What would it mean if I was not that ultra health person? Maybe I only feel this way, because it's still a guise for my eating disorder thoughts? I'll have to think more on this and figure out what's really holding me back in all this.
One reason is just due to the marathon and wanting to be healthy and eat sufficiently. I've been trying to look at food solely as fuel for the body without adding all those moral attachments. I'm not as successful as I'd like to be, but I try to remain optimistic that one day I'll get to that point.
I think in general, however, I fight this a lot. This feeling of wanting to be healthy but really afraid of that word "healthy" too. Most people who look at me think I'm very healthy physically and mentally speaking. They believe that I am a healthy eater, eating my daily servings of everything from the food pyramid. They think I don't eat candy, cookies, candy bars, ice cream, or anything that would be considered "unhealthy, processed foods." Truth be told, sure I eat some of this stuff and then still wreak my brain as to why I'm even eating it. Do I really enjoy it? No. Or maybe I don't allow myself to enjoy it since guilt is the residual feeling.
Then recently I finished In Defense of Food by Michael Pollan.
I wrote a post about it briefly when it came out on how excited I was to read this book. Well, it wasn't as exciting as I thought. It was still a good book, and he did say things I agree with. However, it left me feeling guilty and uncomfortable for even eating any type of processed food. No, I don't think I'm orthorexic though maybe at times border that line. I think, unfortunately, if I could afford everything organic, this type of obsession which orthorexics display could easily arise. I actually think in some sort of bizarre way my obsession with wheat thins and animal crackers keeps me at bay from falling into that trap. They are really the only refined processed food I eat daily, though too much of it at times that my parents like to tell me they are my own foods groups.
Maybe I left feeling the way I did from the book, because I have food problems anyway? I'm not sure really. It just leaves me grappling in this constant state of flux that I'm not sure how to get out of. Maybe if I didn't place so many expectations on myself or even care so much what people thought, these moralistic thoughts wouldn't take hold of me so much.
The funny thing about all this is that I've often told clients in our dog obedience classes that they should buy the best food they can afford for their dogs. I've always been a firm believer that diets do affect behavior, and I've seen this with dogs a lot. I guess maybe I should follow my own advice and not berate myself for being completely organic or the ultra health person.
It's just sometimes hard when that's how everyone seems to perceive you. What would it mean if I was not that ultra health person? Maybe I only feel this way, because it's still a guise for my eating disorder thoughts? I'll have to think more on this and figure out what's really holding me back in all this.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Gaining: the truth about life after eating disorders
I just finished Gaining: the truth about life after eating disorders last week. Overall, I think it is a very good book. Even though I already knew much of the research Liu explained in her book, there were some different and interesting insights. I didn't find the book triggering, but I did think it was interesting how much she quoted Marya Hornbacher. Nothing against Marya who is an exceptional writer, but I think Wasted is a triggering book for many. Obviously, Liu didn't quote those types of passages. There were also many quotes from the late Caroline Knapp in her book Appetites and Sheila Reindl, author of Sensing the Self. Other professionals too were gave their viewpoints as well.
Reading this book reminds me of a friend, K. who several years ago divulged to me about her anorexia in her teenage years. When she told me, I was dumbfounded as I honestly never imagined her to ever have had an eating disorder. At the time K. told me, it was a sigh of relief for me as we were both rooming together at a conference. I then knew there wouldn't be judgments on what I was or was not eating which was something that cause me a lot of anxiety. And I did have many from other conference attendees whom I was working with. To this day, K. does not have an eating disorder. Like Aimee, the author of the book, she didn't get any formal treatment.
I guess what I find interesting is that thinking about her characteristics--wanting to be in control, a bit neurotic at times (in a nice way), always keeping a strong face in hard times, perfectionistic, etc. are all traits many of those with eating disorders share. I often wonder how it is that she was able to overcome her eating disorder and not look back whereas I've been stuck in it for the last almost twelve years.
Anyway, there's a lot more to this book than I've posted here. I'll probably have to re it again at some point to full take in all the information. I do think this is very hopeful book for those in recovery and recommend it.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Confessions of a Cracker Addict
Keeping with this topic of obesity, I was listening to a podcast the other day about a book called Waistland by Deidre Barrett, a Harvard psychologist in their behavioral medicine department. I have not read the book yet, but only listened to an interview of her about the book. The book looks at the obesity problem from an evolutionary standpoint with scientific research. She also talks about how to "reprogram" your body/mind in terms of biologically. I didn't agree with everything she said in the interview. For example, she believes that there is only a grain of truth in genetics and becoming fat and some others that I can't think off the top of my head. However, there were a few interesting things she did say which I think are in fact true.
One thing she mentioned was that people really need to do more of a radical approach in order to stop their "food addiction." This is in the sense of what they are eating in terms of sugary, fattening foods. Her theory is that if you let's say eliminate a certain food that is high in sugar and fat, essentially over time, your body is going to stop craving it. This is completely opposite of what many health professionals tell you, ie. make small changes. Barrett's thinking is that 1) those small changes are not enough to truly make a difference, 2) that by continuing to "feed" your body this way only throws your body off. An example would be glucose levels or cortisol. I think in some ways this can work for some people. The problem is that many people have a hard time with continuance over time which can lead to the yo-yo dieting.
Her approach is more about breaking the pattern and developing good habits. Supposedly, it takes what 21 days to develop a habit. I decided to try to take on this type of approach and see what happens.
See, even though I've had an eating disorder for many years, mostly eat all natural and organic foods, my one "refined" substance is crackers, mainly wheat thins and animal crackers. They are my addiction. I've always considered them "safe" foods, and I can eat quite a lot of them. I think it's due to never really feeling "full." I also think besides the psychological value of them, I think there is something biologically driven as well. Even when I was in the hospital for non-epileptic seizures (long story), I remember asking my parents to bring me wheat thins. One thing I can say about wheat thins is that by eating so many of them, it probably kept my iron levels at bay since there is some fortification in them.
I know there could be worse things in life to eat, but I don't know, I guess maybe it just feels really "unbalanced" or something. Literally, if I don't eat them, my caloric intake is drastically reduced. In a sense, it's a good challenge for me to try to eat other things.
I've tried many ways to reduce my cracker consumption--putting them in servings, only buying the small bags, always telling myself this was the last time, etc., you get my drift. The last time I completely eliminated wheat things, it was like three weeks without eating them. That was like a record for me. My parents think it is funny how these crackers have basically become another food group to me and often times when they come, they bring me a whole bunch.
Anyway, what I do notice after eating so many is that my blood sugar takes a nosedive, and I'm often tired in the late afternoon. So I'm trying hard not to buy any crackers even though I know Wal-Mart currently has the 14 oz box of reduced fat wheat thins (I really prefer the low sodium ones) for 2/$5 and the 2 lb. bag of animals crackers priced at 2/$3. Since Sunday, I have not eaten any and actually there is a difference in terms of blood sugar level. I still get a little tired but not the same as before. I know I could easily just add a protein source to the crackers, but then that just messes with my head in terms of calories and fat. I'm hoping to make 21 days and see if I have really developed a "habit" from it. I'll keep you posted.
One thing she mentioned was that people really need to do more of a radical approach in order to stop their "food addiction." This is in the sense of what they are eating in terms of sugary, fattening foods. Her theory is that if you let's say eliminate a certain food that is high in sugar and fat, essentially over time, your body is going to stop craving it. This is completely opposite of what many health professionals tell you, ie. make small changes. Barrett's thinking is that 1) those small changes are not enough to truly make a difference, 2) that by continuing to "feed" your body this way only throws your body off. An example would be glucose levels or cortisol. I think in some ways this can work for some people. The problem is that many people have a hard time with continuance over time which can lead to the yo-yo dieting.
Her approach is more about breaking the pattern and developing good habits. Supposedly, it takes what 21 days to develop a habit. I decided to try to take on this type of approach and see what happens.
See, even though I've had an eating disorder for many years, mostly eat all natural and organic foods, my one "refined" substance is crackers, mainly wheat thins and animal crackers. They are my addiction. I've always considered them "safe" foods, and I can eat quite a lot of them. I think it's due to never really feeling "full." I also think besides the psychological value of them, I think there is something biologically driven as well. Even when I was in the hospital for non-epileptic seizures (long story), I remember asking my parents to bring me wheat thins. One thing I can say about wheat thins is that by eating so many of them, it probably kept my iron levels at bay since there is some fortification in them.
I know there could be worse things in life to eat, but I don't know, I guess maybe it just feels really "unbalanced" or something. Literally, if I don't eat them, my caloric intake is drastically reduced. In a sense, it's a good challenge for me to try to eat other things.
I've tried many ways to reduce my cracker consumption--putting them in servings, only buying the small bags, always telling myself this was the last time, etc., you get my drift. The last time I completely eliminated wheat things, it was like three weeks without eating them. That was like a record for me. My parents think it is funny how these crackers have basically become another food group to me and often times when they come, they bring me a whole bunch.
Anyway, what I do notice after eating so many is that my blood sugar takes a nosedive, and I'm often tired in the late afternoon. So I'm trying hard not to buy any crackers even though I know Wal-Mart currently has the 14 oz box of reduced fat wheat thins (I really prefer the low sodium ones) for 2/$5 and the 2 lb. bag of animals crackers priced at 2/$3. Since Sunday, I have not eaten any and actually there is a difference in terms of blood sugar level. I still get a little tired but not the same as before. I know I could easily just add a protein source to the crackers, but then that just messes with my head in terms of calories and fat. I'm hoping to make 21 days and see if I have really developed a "habit" from it. I'll keep you posted.
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