Monday, November 12, 2007

A round up of emotions

I think I've had a lot of emotions stored up over the past few weeks which ended up in me kind of losing it this weekend.

The positive:
Happy. Two dog classes graduated this week. Everyone did well for the most part.
Warm, nice feeling. I got a really nice compliment about my dog training skills from my boss whom I respect incredibly.
Sigh of relief. My friend called me back.
Hopeful: Bought a ticket for this week to an event in town.
Excited: Heard from the prosthetic place about finding someone to make me a custom-made glove. Supposed to be getting samples in for me to try soon.

The negative:
Frustrated: Realizing that some dog owners are never going to "get" it and will likely continue to repeat cues. Some of these people have Ph.Ds.
Annoyed: One dog I've been working with for the past eleven days was very loud this weekend.
Guilt: Not going to my friend's party a few weeks ago and not calling her. Did get up the nerve to call her though used cop out I was depressed and isolating (true but still doesn't seem like a very good excuse) She's the one that called back. We're still currently playing phone tag. Still feeling bad about being some below the type person.
Anxiety: Holiday season right around the corner. Found out my mom wants to visit at Thanksgiving. I do better with my mom visiting than my dad as long as my mom doesn't bring up some core issues, like my life plans, what I want to do, etc. It's a very sensitive topic for me and one I'm drilled about weekly from my father.
Pissed off: My therapist send me an e-mail message returning mine. Told her I wasn't doing well and would hopefully get to see her in Nov. One line was sent saying: I'm sorry you're not doing well. Remember to keep journaling." I was expecting more than that which was obviously not a good expectation. I doubt I'll have the money to see her especially since I pay out of pocket.
Confused: Can't figure out what to do with this guy. We've gone on two dates, spoke on the phone but not really feeling a connection. Don't know what to do.

So all this, the emotions exploded. I resorted to ED type behaviors. I ate more this weekend than all week. When I get like this, I want all my food gone, even ones I really like. This normally results in binge type behavior. Saturday, it was just a binge and nothing more, Sunday, ended up binging and purging. The aftermath is always feeling like shit and then guilty for getting rid of all my food when I knowingly know I don't have the money to really spend on food. Then just angry at myself for resorting to this type of behavior even if the purges are only once every two months or so.

Every purge destroys my teeth which causes me even more guilt. Thousands of money have been spent on my teeth the last ten years. I can't even remember how many root canals, crowns put on only to lose again, and teeth cracked I've also had three bridges, one still paying off and several teeth pulled. Currently, I have a hole for where an implant is supposed to be, another that is just a half of a tooth since the temporary fell off a month ago. My dental benefits don't actually begin until Jan. for any major work. It really sucks, but at the same time I keep wondering if it's worth it.

I know this is a new week. It's a short week for me at work too which will be nice overall. There is only one more dog graduation, then I'll have my evenings again. I'm also trying to convince myself to be social and go to this event this week even if I end up going alone.

For now, it's time to get dressed and do some much needed laundry.

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