Saturday, April 25, 2009
When swimming is hard...
I took this photo today of a carpenter bee in the water bucket. It was quite sad really. There it was just flailing around in the water. I don't know much about carpenter bees and whether they behaviorally go towards water for a deeper meaning than just "taking a drink," but in my anthropomorphic mind, I like to think this was all it was doing. But then, it fell into the bucket and helplessly swam around and around in circles, unable to fly out. After some time, it got tired and could no longer flap its wispy wings. Its poor eventual demise was death, just floating on top of the water.
So what does this have to do with this post?
At my last therapy session, I told C. I had been entertaining thoughts of sliding towards ED behaviors. Restriction is always there in the back of my mind, but purging hasn't been on my radar for quite a significant amount of time. Like the carpenter bee with water, I feel like taking a "sip" of anorexia or bulimia. However, at the same time, I know just a "sip" of it is all it takes to spiral out of control.
So where do I stand? I don't know honestly. Part of me knows that, falling back into ED hell is futile, but another part of me wonders if it is just self sabotage--a way of saying "see you can't even do recovery right, you'll never be recovered." :sigh:
I know logically the best option is to swim, fighting all the currents along the way. It just feels so hard.