Wednesday, November 11, 2009

And moving along...

Well, after much debate, we have officially decided on Saturday as the big MOVING day. Part of me is glad it will be done then, another part of me is wishing for one more week to just "rest." But, that doesn't work so well when you really do need a paycheck. And in order for me to have that, I must be moved and start the new job.

Slowly, I've been getting things done, like getting cable set up, getting an estimate for the movers, speaking with the new vet, getting homeowners insurance, all those sorts of things. This is a time when I must keep moving forward and not procrastinate. Somehow, though my father came to help, it is slightly more difficult with him here. I can't really put my finger on it, maybe he just doesn't understand how hard this is for me.

I was thinking about that just today and it was beginning to hit me some of the things I will miss. I will miss driving home at night and seeing a group of deer, just standing and watching me. I'll miss the roads I've run on for so many years (some of the dogs I won't miss though) I'll miss the smell of fresh, country air. I'll miss the quietness in the night. I'll miss going to my favorite Asian grocery store. I stopped by there yesterday to pick up some stuff. I waved to them but didn't tell them I was leaving. I'll miss the Arboretum--a place of sanctuary with its colorful flowers and trees. I'll miss many of my clients whom I have gotten to know over the years. I'll miss the kennel, even though there were many not so great parts about it.

I want to be able to see these things one last time to have closure, to say my good-byes. However, that is likely not to happen simply because I do not have the time. And that saddens me not to have that.

Even knowing that the new move and job are positive steps, there is still a feeling of loss. I've tried hard to put that feeling of loss behind me, but today it's just caught up with me. I know it is only natural to feel this way with big change. But I'm afraid of missing it too much, like it is some sort of crutch. That feeling of uncertainty is blistering through my mind, wondering whether everything is really going to work.

It's like just when I'm finally moving past some of my fears, my fears just start bubbling to the surface again, waiting to paralyze me. I wonder with the move, will I be the same person or different? Will I retreat to my shell because it is safer, or will I extend my neck out to see what else is out there?

I know the first few months are going to be an adjustment period. I guess this is when the best approach is to to "ride out the wave."


M said...

Change has a way of heightening the poignance of the past and the fears of future's ambiguity. I'll be thinking of you and hoping for a smooth transition ... or at least the wisdom and coping skills to work through the rough parts :)

Tiptoe said...

Thanks M! Change definitely does both!

Cammy said...

It is always hard to close one chapter of a life and move onto the next, even if it is such a progressive, positive change as owning your own home. CONGRATULATIONS, and don't be afraid to let yourself feel that nostalgia, trying to hold it back will just build pressure. You deserve to celebrate this!
Also, can you e-mail me your new address? :)