Saturday, June 14, 2008

Weekend musings

It's a little past 6:00 AM and I woke up at 5:15, of course meaning to go for a run. My evening run yesterday got nixed due to a bad thunderstorm. Thunder isn't so bad, but when it seems like lightning is hitting just a few feet from you, eeek, it's really not that worthwhile to be a nice little target. That and pouring down rain where you can't see at all is not that thrilling for me. So yes, I stayed indoors and did nothing. Hated myself for it, and promised myself to get out and go this morning. The morning arrived, I looked out at it--kind of dark I said to myself. So instead, I just sat in my chair, read a book until my satellite came back on to hop on the computer. Again promising myself I'd go for a run this afternoon.

I tend to get like this on the weekends. I don't know why it feels that different from the week since my schedule doesn't change. Somehow, I feel like structure is broken down. Maybe it's when I realize more that I really don't have that much of a life, nothing to really look forward to on the weekend. People around me sleep in, go to the movies, go shopping, go on mini vacations, etc. But me, I work, go run, watch the Suze Orman show on Saturday night, maybe pick up a few things at the store, and that's it. Sounds pretty boring, right? I've tried to get together with people, but everyone is busy or they never call back. It really drives me nuts on occasion but I try hard to give people the benefit of the doubt. I know people have real lives, they are busy. I know I could do certain things alone, and sometimes I do (example: Postsecret event came here awhile ago), but many times I don't.

I think my emotions feel more over the place on the weekends. It's probably the most likely time I'd binge and really think about purging. So far, I've succeeded in the last what six months, maybe seven, who's counting really? Anyone else I'd tell them it's a great accomplishment. I know for a fact it is, but the minimizer comes out in me and just gives a shrug like eh, okay, whatever. The fact is I don't want those thoughts. I don't want to have to even be considering it. Why is it so hard not to? I think to myself just once, and that'll be it. But I know that is wrong. It doesn't work that way. Once becomes twice, then thrice, and it goes on and on. :sigh:

I think there are other things going on too that set me up for feeling like crap today. Besides not running, it's little things. I called my mom in the evening with nothing really to say, calling out of boredom I guess. I really need to stop doing this and just wait for her to call me which takes damn forever, then she apologizes, says she realizes she hadn't talked to me all weekend, etc. Once, when I was incredibly upset with her, I did not talk to her for over two weeks. That's like a record. I of course gave in and was the one called her. That was three or four summers ago. It's been better since she stopped having crying attacks and wishing I'd figure out my life. She still does wish the latter but just doesn't go into crying fits anymore. Not that crying is a bad thing or whatever, it just always made me feel even worse than I already did for not having a plan A, plan B, etc.

Then, my boss gets into a car accident on Thursday. I was quite surprised. I asked if she was okay and all. At the time, she said she would be but that the car was not drivable. She decided to see the Dr. yesterday and sent me an e-mail in the afternoon. She said she had neck, back, and right leg problems, though she did not elaborate on what they were other than she was insured. Hmm, okay. I feel bad for her seriously as I would not wish for anyone to get into an accident or have something bad happen. Another part of me just feels annoyed about it. It's a long story the relationship between my boss and me. There have been some highs and some real lows. I've learned to weather the storm and just try not to read into things too much. I know I'm being vague, but it's really complicated and would take many posts to write. But in any case, no matter how I may be feeling, I'm nice, ask how she is doing, if there is anything I can help her with, etc. I have a feeling I'll be working on Monday, but we'll see. And whatever, whenever I'm talking to her it is genuine.

Then, we had a client come in, one of my favorites actually. She is really a nice person and I enjoy seeing her except for the fact that she reminds me of my old T. See, this client is a psychologist who has an office space in the same building/converted house as my old therapist who back in December (I think) said I really needed to start doing more in recovery or not come see her anymore. It wasn't enough at that point that I'd decided to quit purging for sure. That wasn't enough of a step. I needed to do more--work on my self-esteem, sitting with my feelings, saying positive affirmations, running less, etc. So the client and I chatted. She asked me how I was. I told her about running the marathon. She said the familiar words of "good for you, that's a a great accomplishment, etc." She asked if I'd decided to do more classes. I told her I didn't know but that I probably should be. We stopped there, and then she left. The other thing with this client is that I know she knows more about me than other people. Most don't know I've had an eating disorder for years. I mean she has to know since the therapist I was seeing specializes in that. Maybe it bothers me in some way, though I know she is incredibly professional and would never ask.

Then on the news, I found out that Tim Russert died. I'm not a huge political oriented person, but I always liked him as a journalist. I liked his interviews and how genuine he was. The people around him who mourned his loss all said what a wonderful person he was. He just seemed like such a nice guy. I don't know, you don't get that feeling everyday from news reporters, so it was nice to see. He'll surely be missed by many.

So that's kind of a run down of a few things bothering me. I hate when I get this way--that agitated feeling, thinking too much, berating myself for not having done something right, just feeling so out of place, so out of touch. I just keep reminding myself Monday is right around the corner. I have things to do, everything will be structured again, I can get back on par with my running routine even if the weekend is crappy mileage, I can set new goals, etc.

Sorry this is such a downer type post. I know there isn't a need to apologize, I mean it is my own blog, but somehow I don't know, I feel like I need to be more together. Those aren't the right words I'm looking for exactly but I can't seem to think of them at the moment.


Anonymous said...

girl...I love your blog. i have come across other bloggers before that talk about their ed but the way you write about it pretty much every line i read i think "this is my life". i used to feel like 'yes i may have a problem with food and exercise but it's not bad i can control it. i don't really fit in with the ED community' but your blog helps me to not feel so isolated.

i definatly understand about the b/p thing on the weekend. when my days are not extremly structured (and even when it is) the voice pops up *you haven't done it in a week and a can do it and it will be ok. you won't die. it won't hurt your running* and it is so hard to fight off. stay strong.

about not haning out with ppl: i have the same problem. i might call ppl to hang out but it never works out and that fuels the nasty voice in me that says "see? no one really wants to hang out with you anyway. they hate you" blah most times i don't invite. i try to occupy myself.

anyways a real long reply...just wanted to thank you so much for putting your thoughts out here. it has helped me through the tougher times. stay strong and have a good weekend

Tiptoe said...

Anon, thank you so much for your comments. It means a lot to me. I'm really glad that you feel less alone, as that can be one of the worst feelings. I hope you stay strong and continue to fight the ED.