Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Perhaps sensing loss

Last night,I did not sleep well. I once again woke up in a cold sweat, having to take covers off of me. This has been going on for several weeks, so I'm not really sure what it is about.

I had this bizarre dream. I dreamt I was in some Dr.'s office for some breast procedure (nothing cosmetic) but something that needed to be done. I had scheduled the appointment for the end the following week since it was apparently a Friday. Another Dr. was checking my breast and then said to me alarmingly, "you really need to come back on Monday, so we can do a biopsy." I was a bit flabbergasted and trying to figure out what she thought was wrong. I overheard this Dr. talking to another Dr. saying something like she thought it could be cancer, and the other Dr. saying, "but she's so young."

I came back that Monday, had the biopsy done which confirmed breast cancer. I don't remember much else of the dream other than thinking "but I am so young, it can't possibly be cancer."

I've read or heard somewhere that cancer dreams are about a sense of loss of something. It's not the first time I've dreamt something similar. I think dreams are often contextual to what is going on in life, not necessarily completely symbolic per se as Freud would have you think. I think this dream was a sense of loss due to my therapy appointment.

The appointment did not go well. It was evident I should not have wasted her time. Essentially, she's left the door open for me and wants me to think about what I really want. That's it though, I don't know honestly. I think about things that would be nice here and there, a hint of this, a splash of that, but it's never something I possibly truly think I can have, despite what other people may tell me. Perhaps, it's the negativity there or that low self esteem, low grade depression, or lack of self worth. It just doesn't seem like I'm meant to have any of that .

My therapist made some very true points. I've been seeing her off and on for the past five years. The first two in a half, I saw her on a regular basis. That was when she accepted my insurance. After that, it's been sporadic and I did try a few other therapists who did not work well for me. So I went back to my original therapist, telling her upfront that I could not see her on a regular basis anymore. She was okay with that and said she would be there for me.

I know logically the choices are all up to me, that I have to do the work, etc. Sometimes I think outpatient on no kind of regular basis is hard. You have to really take initiative and want to kick ED butt. I left feeling like she said, "you need to want recovery completely, solely, and be willing to do all the work." Maybe, that's it, I've just gotten too complacent. I told her how I finally made a commitment to not purge through vomiting. After my last horrible toothache, I got sick of it. I don't want teeth problems anymore. I miss the perfect teeth which I'll never have anymore.

To me, this is a lot. To say, I'm going to sit here with whatever those feelings are and nut hurl them away seems like a big accomplishment. However, the exercising is an issue. I still can't see it as a real problem. She begged to differ and just couldn't sit there and say ethically that was better. She said "so you want a pat on the back, a badge." This reminded me of the scene from the movie Running with Scissors where Alec Baldwin says to his wife, Annette Benning, something to the effect of, "I've stopped drinking and have been sober for three years." And her reply was, "so you want a badge for that?"

I know she is right, but my head is just saying it's the lesser of two evils. So untrue again. I don't know, I'm frustrated beyond belief with myself, with her, with just everything. I even told her things I have only mentioned in passing to a few people, and there was no reaction. I don't know why I expected anything, I should know better by now.

I really understand where my therapist is coming from. If I were her client, I'd be frustrated with me as well. I keep thinking it's like I have a big label on my head that says "Non-compliant," or as another friend said, "no, not non-compliant, more like 'resistant.'"

When will I ever be able to step in with two feet into complete recovery rather than having a foot in and a foot out? It's like the metaphor of the functioning alcoholic but rather the functioning ED person. As a friend pointed out to me, "since you've never had some major medical crisis, it's harder for you to see how sick you are. Sometimes I fear for you moreso, because it's people like you who drop dead with no warning." Those are some pretty blunt, very real words--ones that make you think, that's for sure.

So where does this leave me? I honestly don't know. I know I need to decide on something rather than just flailing.

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