Monday, October 27, 2008

Oh so close

I must admit since my meltdown from Monday, I couldn't be happier the week is coming to an end. It was just one of those weeks that felt like time was ticking by so so slowly. My emotions seemed to be on a roller coaster as well. On one end, I took more naps, not really because I needed them, but just to break up the day. At other times, I found myself giddily laughing at something on tv. Yes, the scene was funny but not to the point of hysterically laughing.

My eating for the most part was okay, but I had no motivation to run which of course left me feeling guilty. Tonight, I had one of those moments of eating WAY more than I intended and contemplated purging A LOT. It was a scenario of wanting to purge away something just to feel "empty." We all know it never works that way. So I reminded myself that this will really pass, that I don't need this, that this isn't going to solve a thing. Luckily, soon after, I had to go do late night kennel. It helped just to take my mind off of it. I still feel gross, FAT, and awful, but it's better than purging, having a puffy face with red dots, a runny nose (oh wait, I already have that one), or a sore throat. So again, I have succeeded. It still doesn't feel easy, and I don't know what point or how long that will take until I get there. But at least I am doing it which is way more than I would have said ten months ago.

Now, onto some other news. For whatever reason, when I got back home tonight, I had a very sudden feel of the chills. then my head hurt and I felt "stuffy." I've had a slight cold since coming back from the conference, but this feels awful. I'm hoping it goes away by the morning, because I have many phone calls to make--reschedule my therapy appt., call my dentist, call the vet (I think Baxter has an infection in his little boy parts (I'm saying this rather than the technical term since who knows what could pop up in a search, and I don't really want to be linked to porn or something)), and call the glove guy. And I really don't need to be ill!

On that note, I'm calling it early and going to get some zzzzs.


Kyla said...

WAY proud of your for not purging! Those are such good reasons not to. And I know how hard it is to sit through wanting to, so I really really commend you. Way to pull on your skills and your logic. :)

Ai Lu said...

Wow, wow, wow.

I admire 1) your honesty for admitting that you really wanted to purge, and 2) not purging.

You are really doing something amazing with yourself, and I hope that you understand that and can be gentle enough on yourself in the present to just get through this rough patch.

As someone who has been through something very similar, and has lived to tell the tale -- I have not purged in 4 years! -- I think that you are at a critical stage. Sitting with the bloated, full, fat feelings is the best thing that you can do right now, EVEN IF IT IS DIFFICULT (and it should be difficult).

Do you have anyone whom you can call when you feel this way, and need a little extra help to keep yourself from purging? It can be very helpful to have a trustworthy friend or family member in whom you can confide. Or maybe the blog works in that way for you? I don't know, I didn't have a blog when I was going through what you are going through now, but I found that telling other people that I wanted to purge (or binge) somehow "deactivated" those feelings and brought me back to earth.

Much love,
and peace,
and blessings,
Ai Lu

Tiptoe said...

Kyla, thanks for the support hon. I do find trying to use logic helpful in these cases.

Ai Lu, first off, wonderful on 4 years purge-free! I appreciate your words of support and advice.

You're right that this is a critical phase. It's uncomfortable but bringing about new awareness too. I'm trying to realize this for myself and not be hard on myself.

As for support, I don't have much around here. I do have a friend or two I can call out of state, but sometimes they are not too reliable with answering the phone. :-/ Blogging does help and e-mail as well.