Friday, May 30, 2008

When I am thin enough...

The beginning of this week went fairly well. I was able to get a lot of stuff done. I was feeling very optimistic about things in general. And then, by the end of the week, everything just dissipated. I wasn't productive, I hardly ran, and I caught myself saying, "when I am thin enough." I don't remember what the exact precursor to this thinking was. It was just one of those moments. Here are some things I thought:

When I'm thin enough, I'll be happy.
When I'm thin enough, I'll find true love.
When I'm thin enough, people will love and respect me.
When I'm thin enough, I'll be successful.
When I'm thin enough, I'll run a sub 3 hour marathon.
When I'm thin enough, I'll be able to wear a bathing suit and shorts in public.
When I'm thin enough, life will be better.

The whole thing is that I know these are absolutely not true. I know life doesn't begin at a size, and that if you keep on waiting and waiting, it will pass you by. For a long time, I used to feel like I was just watching life go by, and that I wasn't in it. It was kind of like being in a bubble or trapped behind some two-way mirror. For awhile, I used to feel like I didn't have a future, like I could not imagine myself in it. How depressing does that sound?

This year was the first time in a long while that I didn't feel this way, that I could see some future for myself. It was a big step for me. And then I revert back to thinking "when I'm thin enough." I want to scream at myself for even thinking that--that I should know better. But in the end, I know that doesn't do any good. Rather, I just need to not berate myself and let this go too. It just reminds that even if I am doing better, that I still have a long way to go.

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