Friday, May 16, 2008

Trying to ride the wave

Today was just a crappy food day. I ate more than I wanted and now feel guilty about it. It was one of those moments when you look in the fridge, can't really decided what you want. Therefore, you pick something, but then that really doesn't satisfy you either, and pick something else, et.c until you reach what you feel is FULL, but really turns out to just make you feel guilty. However, you know there are two ways of dealing with this. Either to try to sit with those feelings and ride out the wave or self abuse yourself with temporary relief of purging in some way or form. Sometimes one sounds better than the other, other times, neither sound good.

Which did I choose today? To ride out the wave. I know logically that each moment I sit with the feelings is another day of taking care of myself, but damn, it doesn't FEEL like it's getting any easier right now. I'm not even sure why I feel there is such a high desire to fall back into this type of pattern. I've been on a pretty good role for five months or so, so why would I want to ruin that? Maybe it's coming off from the high of a marathon and going to a low--like a "what now?" type of thing.

I know today I was little upset in general. Basically, I had called my physical therapist on Monday to let her know I was back from the marathon and to set up a time to see her. I wanted to let her know how the race went (plus she told me she wanted to know about the race before I left) and give her something as a "thank you" token. The receptionist said she was gone that day visiting her parents and would tell her I called. She hadn't called, and normally she calls within the day. I called back today to say I'd be in that vicinity on Monday and ask if she had time to meet. The receptionist said she was busy with a patient, and she'd have her call me. Well, I waited and no phone call. It's possible she never got the messages or was really busy today. So I do know to give her the benefit of the doubt.

I know this is a slight issue in the grand scheme of things, but it was just bothering me today. Another friend whom I've been playing phone tag with called in the evening. I missed the call since I was dremeling my dogs' nails. I would have called her later, but I knew she would be fatigued and go to bed right when she got home from her meeting.

Then I was watching Grey's Anatomy, and Meredith's therapy session was just reminding me how I kind of miss therapy. Or maybe it's just the human connection component I'm missing. Or a place where I can be REAL. :sigh: I'm too tired to think about it all right now.

*Positive for the day: I decided to register as a bone marrow donor. It's actually something I've been wanting and meaning to do for a long time.
Being a part of the minority population, there is a big need for donors. Then I was reading about a girl similar to my age that was in need of finding a donor within five weeks. I'm not completely sure I qualify, but I figured I'd just take that chance to see. Just think how you could save a life if you were a match.


Anonymous said...

girl i totally feel ya in this post.

the grgazing and not being satisfied. it is such a struggle to stay calm and ride out the urges to purge in some form. i think it is totally awesome that you could stick it out and reading this gives me hope and strength. it is so hard to remind yourself that the bad eating is just one day and generally i'm healthy...keep strong... you are awesome! thanks so much for sharing your story.

i don't know if i totally understand about the human connection but maybe. i took it as meaning...there is no one around you who you can be real with. there is a superficial connection with everyone and you don't feel comfortable talking about struggles, hopes, inner thoughts about life...etc. if that is what you meant i completely understand. if it isn't i'm sorry for the misunderstanding.

good luck with the possible running buddies. it's not like you gotta run everyday with a peep...just once or twice. i don't know if you know abuot this web site called there you can sign up for something that interests you and see what other people in your area are meeting up for. small town is less likely to have lots of groups but you could start something!

sorry this was a kinda long response. once again, i think you are amazing to stay strong and share the gives me hope =)

time for me to run...

KC Elaine said...

congratulations on "riding the wave!"

Tiptoe said...

Anon, I appreciate your thoughts. I'm glad to know I've helped you. :-)
Staying strong is definitely hard.

As for the human connection, yeah, you're right. It's not necessarily superficial relationships or anything but more not really letting my guard down. And never anything ED related.

I've been on awhile back. I live in a small city, so not much is really going on. I'll have to check it out again.

KC, thanks for the support. Hopefully, each of these "waves" will make me stronger.