Today was just a crappy food day. I ate more than I wanted and now feel guilty about it. It was one of those moments when you look in the fridge, can't really decided what you want. Therefore, you pick something, but then that really doesn't satisfy you either, and pick something else, et.c until you reach what you feel is FULL, but really turns out to just make you feel guilty. However, you know there are two ways of dealing with this. Either to try to sit with those feelings and ride out the wave or self abuse yourself with temporary relief of purging in some way or form. Sometimes one sounds better than the other, other times, neither sound good.
Which did I choose today? To ride out the wave. I know logically that each moment I sit with the feelings is another day of taking care of myself, but damn, it doesn't FEEL like it's getting any easier right now. I'm not even sure why I feel there is such a high desire to fall back into this type of pattern. I've been on a pretty good role for five months or so, so why would I want to ruin that? Maybe it's coming off from the high of a marathon and going to a low--like a "what now?" type of thing.
I know today I was little upset in general. Basically, I had called my physical therapist on Monday to let her know I was back from the marathon and to set up a time to see her. I wanted to let her know how the race went (plus she told me she wanted to know about the race before I left) and give her something as a "thank you" token. The receptionist said she was gone that day visiting her parents and would tell her I called. She hadn't called, and normally she calls within the day. I called back today to say I'd be in that vicinity on Monday and ask if she had time to meet. The receptionist said she was busy with a patient, and she'd have her call me. Well, I waited and no phone call. It's possible she never got the messages or was really busy today. So I do know to give her the benefit of the doubt.
I know this is a slight issue in the grand scheme of things, but it was just bothering me today. Another friend whom I've been playing phone tag with called in the evening. I missed the call since I was dremeling my dogs' nails. I would have called her later, but I knew she would be fatigued and go to bed right when she got home from her meeting.
Then I was watching Grey's Anatomy, and Meredith's therapy session was just reminding me how I kind of miss therapy. Or maybe it's just the human connection component I'm missing. Or a place where I can be REAL. :sigh: I'm too tired to think about it all right now.
*Positive for the day: I decided to register as a bone marrow donor. It's actually something I've been wanting and meaning to do for a long time. Being a part of the minority population, there is a big need for donors. Then I was reading about a girl similar to my age that was in need of finding a donor within five weeks. I'm not completely sure I qualify, but I figured I'd just take that chance to see. Just think how you could save a life if you were a match.