Hair be gone!

I had been wanting a hair cut for awhile now. It had been about 2 1/2 years since my last hair cut. My hair was not quite as long--then, it was waist length. This time, it was just a little past my the middle of my back. I set up this appointment a few weeks ago with a new hairstylist recommended to me by a friend.

When I went in , I figured I'd probably do something similar to what I did last time--cut just below my shoulders. And then for whatever reason, I decided against that. I browsed some magazines, deciding on whether to stay with traditional Asian hair, straight as a board basically or to be a little funky. I chose the latter, but not so outrageously funky like some of the current Asian hip stars. At one point in my life, I was very big into highlights, because I was so tired of my boring, straight, dark brown/black hair. But eventually, I came back around and have since kept it the natural color it is.

So how much did I get cut? If you remember in this post, it was 14 inches.

This time, it was:

Really, I did not expect that, it just sort of happened that way. If you look at the linked post above, the new hair do is slightly below my chin which is drastically shorter. Actually, the shortest I've ever had! I'm not sure if I love it, but I don't hate it either. It's just different. Sadly, I will miss ponytails for awhile, but I know my hair grows fast naturally.

So far:

The pro are, there is swishiness and bounce, less maintenance, and less air drying time.

The cons are, I have major static and no more ponytails (well there is like a stub if you count that)

The jury is still out whether I actually look taller. I'll have to ask some people.

The one thing noticeably different this time around is that I don't have as much anguish over getting my hair cut as I have in the past. Maybe I'm finally letting go of my hair and identity thinking and embracing change.

Note--I was going to have my neighbor take a pic of me, but I got home late last night. If you are dying to know what it looks like, you can always e-mail me through my profile on here. I just have a policy of not posting pics of my face on here for semi-anonymity reasons

Brunch averted

Thanks for the feedback on my last post.  It is always nice to know that I am not the only one who just scurries out to avoid a meal/drink/happy hour event even when in recovery.  I think the whole social thing is one that doesn't seem to be as discussed with eating disorders.  But EDs are very isolating, so I think talking about our social anxieties is very important in recovery.

So everyone is wondering how did the run and brunch go?  Well, run went well.  I talked with a girl towards the end of our route.  However, afterwards, many ducked out and left.  I think part of this was because the e-mail that went out the night before, failed to mention the brunch, despite the organizer talking about it last weekend and on Wednesday.  I stayed an additional 1 1/2 hours, chatting and waiting for the second group to come back.  Realizing that no one else was staying, I left too.

Part of me thought, yeah, I did not have to worry about the challenge of eating essentially two breakfasts in a short period of time, but another part of me had already geared myself up for the experience.  Oh well, until next time, right?  One fun aspect was getting to know some of the other people, like their name, though apparently one guy does not tell many people his real name.  The girl running with me asked someone else, and told her what it was.  Thus, blowing the guy's cover.  I haven't figured that one out yet, but he seems like a cool guy nonetheless, camos and all.  (yes, he runs in camouflage pants; apparently last year he ran a marathon in combat boots and used to have duct taped running shoes until they convinced him to buy a real pair of running shoes)

On another note, many of them talked about the happy hour on Wednesday.  Apparently, there were 11-12 of them, and they had a good time.  It sucks my anxiety caused me to miss out on it, but no use in beating myself up over it.  It's still relatively early in the year, and there will be other opportunities.  Now, it's just me sticking to it and not backing out.  It's easy to say afterwards that I will not back out and do this event, etc., but when push comes to shove, and you are in that moment, it can become a lot easier to make up an excuse, sad to say.  Keep me on my toes, my friends.  It's good accountability for us all.

How has your social anxiety hindered you? Have you found it has gotten easier in recovery?  What is a social challenge you have overcome recently?  Share your thoughts in the comments section.

A social miss

I mentioned in a recent post about joining the local running group here. (this is not the one that I was originally going to join last year, this one is literally just 3.5 miles from my house) They meet twice a week--Wednesday evenings and Saturday mornings. The first Saturday I went was great. I immediately met a guy and just started talking to him throughout our run. However, on the next several occasions, I've pretty much run by myself. There have been people, but either people already pair off together or the group easily disperses. On my last Saturday run, I kind of thought, "well heck if no one is going to run with me (there were only a few who were actually running that specific mileage), then I could just be doing this by myself."

See, I think this is part of the problem. I tend to hold a bit of an idealistic hope of something, and then when it doesn't happen, I feel discouraged. What I had envisioned was that I would have a running buddy to talk to just about the entire time I was running or at least for half of it. I realize this is not everyone else's envision, however. And so, I need to change my view a bit.

I've come to the conclusion that the real social time seems to be the before and after party of a run. Last night, there was an invitation to go to a happy hour at a nearby pub. To me, this completely defeats the purpose of running in the first place. I mean why down yourself with alcohol after a good, hard run. Many would counter this argument with the fact that alcohol does have calories and carbohydrates, both of which your body needs after that much exertion. I've also heard some say that a good, cold beer after a run is simply just good. I guess I will never discover that, because I honestly have never acquired a taste for beer and have no desire to either. It would have to be a fru-fru drink laced with vodka and fruitiness to even be in the realm of my liking.

Anyway, I had the opportunity to go, knowing I could have just ordered an iced tea and I guess been "social." I mean this is partly why I joined this group. Tovah, by the way, has been a real hit, and they just love her. A few of them asked me if I was going to come, and I sort of made the excuse that I wouldn't be able to take Tovah with me (the place does have an outdoor cafe but it is not open yet), though it probably was cool enough to have left her in the car. The other fact was that I was really hungry and did not want to spend money on pub-fare--very typical of burgers, fries, etc.

I told my mom about this on the phone, and she seemed really upset that I didn't go. I think my parents still fear I isolate myself too much and want me to date, join groups, etc. I guess I'm feeling like if I complain that I have no social life, then I do need to make more effort to do these types of activities just to "be social" even if I may not completely enjoy them. But then another part of me counters that with, if it is not fun, then you essentially fulfill a self-prophecy--See you went to this event and it was no fun=social events aren't fun.

But here is where my counteracting self must talk. Okay, so I didn't go this event, but there will be another chance on Saturday after everyone's long run. I should go, because it might be fun, and I might get to know people better, and this is why you joined the running group.

Saturday, after out long run, we are invited for free massages and a breakfast/brunch at nearby cafe. It will certainly be cool enough (it dropped 30 degrees this morning) to leave Tovah in the car should I choose to bring her. So I'm going to try hard to keep the social event on my calendar. My only reservation is this may be like eating two breakfasts very close in time together, and that may feel a little uncomfortable. :-/

Spring, kids, and sweet gestures

Spring is finally arriving here--crocuses and daffodils are blooming. And with spring, all the neighbors begin to come out from winter hibernation. One neighbor, I saw with a new dog who was apparently pulling her like a freight train to the edge of my yard. She's had the dog since Nov/Dec., and it is now 5 months old--my guess a Hound/Pointer X. This was the first time I actually met the woman since I moved here. She and her husband also have a Boxer who I have met a few times since he got out of his yard to come visit my dogs.

The kids on the other side of me are out more as well. Since I've been home in the evening, I often see them out when they have finished their homework. I've never considered myself a "kid" person per se, but many people do say I do well with kids. I remember when I first looked at this house, the grandmother was here taking care of her grandchildren. One child who was 2 1/2 or so used to lead me around, showed me his room, his toys, etc. On one occasion, he even wanted me to sit and watch a dvd with him. The grandmother asked me if I had kids. I said no, only dogs. She was surprised, saying that I seemed so good with them.

Now, the kids beside me took to talking to me quickly. But the thing that I love about these particular kids are they are such nice, pleasant children to be around. They love to come out when they see me with the dogs. Whenever their friends come over, they are quick to point out all the dogs' names, that Daphne is deaf, so she can't hear you, etc. They love watching the dogs run and get the ball. They try calling the dogs--"To-bah, Hankie come here" and getting them to do tricks. The dogs are not always as responsive as I'd like, but it's mostly because they haven't had enough other people ask them things. Plus, there is a fence between us, so that makes it a little more difficult. Although yesterday, they loved the fact that they got to use the chuck-it to throw the ball for the dogs. They each took turns, giggling after each throw, and had a ball of a time. Luckily, Tovah was a little tired by then, so she brought the ball back to me better. LOL

Besides knowing all about the dogs, these kids are also social. They tell me about their days at school, facts they've learned, their likes, their dislikes, and other miscellaneous things. They even show me cheerleading cheers they've learned and ask me all kinds of questions. It's so sweet.

The other day, E., the second youngest, ran inside and got hostess cupcakes for their afternoon snacks. E. hands me one.

Me: Why don't you keep it for yourself and save it for later?
E: Still holding out the cupcake.
Me: Do you want me to have it?
E: Nods her head yes.
Me: Are you sure:
E: Nods her head.
Me: Okay, I'll take it then. Thank you.
E: You're welcome. This was said to the best I could tell. Her enunciation is still not quite there.

It was one of those moments where I thought, how could I not take this even if I am not a big Hostess cupcake eater? She is graciously offering it to me. Now, of course, her mom may have told her to give this to me. But whatever the case, it was sweet and nice of them to think about me. And I actually liked that they had a Hostess cupcake rather than just an apple or something. It's good to be healthy of course, but it's good to have balance too.

You can check out other posts about these children here, here, and here.

It's good to reveal a lot early on, right?

I'm not sure how much people are keeping up with my love life, but I'm going to go ahead and post anyway about a recent match. There are actually two, but I've only met one in person.

We had a second date this weekend. Just a simple dinner at a local Chinese restaurant. Here's what he has expressed to me:

On mental health:

I: I have anxiety and am on medication.

Me: Well, that's okay. We all have our own issues.

On dogs:

I: I have anxiety about dogs, especially large ones. I'm okay with puppies and small dogs.

Me: Oh, I'm sorry, I did not know that. Many people have anxiety about dogs. Were you ever bitten as a child? (I ask because many are)

I: No, but I was close to it.
Needless to say, talking about dog bites didn't go over so well. And I kind of find it ironic that he is okay with small dogs, because statistically speaking, they have the most bites. It's just that they often go unreported. I have heard of a yorkie biting a hand that required, stitches, surgery, and physical therapy.

On the types of women he likes:

I: I never would have said I had a certain type of woman I liked/was attracted to. But then, after my divorce (I think he has been divorced a year or so), I realized I was attracted to Asian women. (his ex-wife is Japanese) I guess it's like not knowing what you have until you lose it. (btw, he was not the one to file for divorce) So, I tend to choose women who look like my ex-wife.

Me: Well, it kind of makes sense. You were with her for a long time.
Really, in the back of my head, I was wondering, does this mean he chooses women who are Asian because his ex-wife was Asian. Or does this mean he chooses women who specifically look like his ex-wife?

I: But the weird thing is, if I was dating a Caucasian woman, I would want her to be big.

Me: Maybe that's the Italian in you.

I:Yes, it could be. Italian men like their women to be large.
I found this a bit strange, but I guess could make sense. It raises an interesting point about ethnicity.

On body image:

I: I worry about my weight.

Me: Why?

I: Because both my parents and sibling are obese. I'm afraid of becoming that way.

Me: Well, I don't think you have that much to worry about. You are a small guy.

He's like 5'5 and something like 145-150 lbs, so not big at all for a guy!

We talked about some other things too, these were just the ones that stuck out to me. Though it's not like I look for what is wrong about a date, but certain red flags do pop up. It is good to reveal some of this stuff early on, but at the same time too, you don't want them to be turns off though either. Obviously, the dog issue is good that it came up so early since I have 3 large dogs but was surprised about bringing up the anxiety and body image issue. Hmm, I guess, I'll just have to see where this goes.

Happy St. Patty's Day

First off, are we all wearing green? Normally, I'd have the dogs in some green gear, but I stopped myself short of that this year. I figured with Easter around the corner and trying something new, I didn't want to harass them too much.

Anyway, Happy St. Patty's Day

Here's a nice little Irish blessing about friends.

Image

A Wish for a Friend

Wishing you a rainbow
For sunlight after showers—
Miles and miles of Irish smiles
For golden happy hours—
Shamrocks at your doorway
For luck and laughter too,
And a host of friends that never ends
Each day your whole life through!

I hope everyone has friends, rainbows, and sunlight in their lives!

Upcoming posts and other thoughts

I know everyone does not want to hear about job stuff other than I am still at it with resumes, registering at temporary agencies, etc. However, I did run across this article which I think may be relevant to some of you who are also searching. Basically, it is says that even though we may be desperate for a job, a bad job could be worse for you mentally than being unemployed. Just something to consider.

I have to admit, I have good and bad days with this whole no work situation. I really have to fight the "rejected" feeling and the "I'm not a loser" mantra. Hence, I think this is why productivity feels more emphasized. There are some days I feel like I am so productive, but then there are other days, I feel like I get nothing accomplished. Then, the day feels wasted.

However, I haven't felt the latter of that too much this week.

How have I been productive this week so far?

* Sent out more resumes (I am currently waiting to hear from 5-6 potential employers)

* Registered with a temporary agency

* Have been working with the dogs and bunny on new tricks related to Easter. I have a photo in
mind, but we'll see if it will really happen.

* Bathed Tovah--she is itchy unfortunately

*Got my glasses fixed. A nose pad fell off. I tried gluing it but it did not work. The cover of one
arm has beencracked too for awhile. It was being held by scotch tape. The lady was nice and
put 2 new nose pads and 2 arm covers on my glasses.

* Got new windshield wipers. Mine were falling apart.

Now, things to look forward to:

* Dog show! I'm going on Friday and Sunday morning to see the Boxers and some competition
obedience andmaybe rally. I'm taking the opportunity, because I rarely get to go and actually
see what I want. A local person here is also going on Sunday, so we may meet up at some point.

* Running group on Saturday morning. I missed yesterday's session due to not being able to read
the clock correctly.

* Possible a date with match guy. We'll call him the writer. (I actually have 2 prospects, the other
is an hour away though--we've talked on the phone a few times-also a runner)

* Next week, some cadaver work with Tovah. After e-mailing another well known trainer, I
realized I may need to slow down a little, but I am very curious to see how Tovah reacts to a
cadaver scent.

* Upcoming dog seminars that are nearby in April and May.

* Hair cut appt. at the end of the month. I haven't cut my hair since this post. And yes, it is just
about that long now again.

Now, things you have to look forward to in some following posts:

* Book reviews. I'll be reviewing:

Beating Your Eating Disorder: A Cognitive-Behavioral Self-Help Guide for Adult Sufferers and their Carers by authors Waller, Mountford, Lawson, Gray, Cordery, and Hinrichsen

Give Food a Chance by author Julie O'Toole.

Both are two I have wanted to read, so this is a great opportunity. Some other books which are on my stack are Unbearable Lightness; Women, Food, and God; Goodbye Ed, Hello Me, and other dog training related books and dvds. I realize these are not new books, and I've been quite negligent on my book reading, so I am trying to take this time to get back into the groove of reading.

With all of that said, how is everyone's weekend shaping up? What do you have to look forward to?