Call me sexy!

As my last posts provided 6 lies, and 1 truth, here's the rundown:

1. I have been white water rafting on the New Gauley River in West Virginia.
Lie--I have never been white water rafting, but I think it would be a lot of fun. I have been to the New Gauley River, however.

2. My first English word was "dog."
Lie--This one was fairly easy if you've been reading my blog for some time. My first word English word was "kitty."

3. I have never killed any living creature intentionally.
Lie--This is mostly true, except for wasps and ants. There was a time hen I was younger I once stepped on a snail, because I was mad it would not come out of its shell.

4. I love watching fly fishing, golf, and baseball.
Lie--These three "sports" are probably the most boring things on earth for me to watch. I just cannot get into them at all. I think I'd probably be horrible at all of them too. I always sucked at miniature putt-putt, though I do find that a fun activity.

5. I have an affinity for wearing skirts and high heel or cowboy boots.
Lie--I am much more comfy in jeans, sweaters, fleece, long-sleeve shirts and tennis shoes. I rarely wear a dress/skirt unless I have to.

7. I can whistle loudly using a blade of grass, as well as through my teeth.
Lie--I wish I had this talent, but unfortunately, I do not. I can barely do a simple whistle. I'm always impressed at people who can do this naturally.

6. I used to love all thing silk--bedsheets, blouses, scarves, string bikini underwear. I was voted "sexy" by my friends.

Truth--I know this seems a bit strange which was one reason why I put it in there. When I was younger, like middle school/early high school, I used to love the feel of silk things. I adored my silk bed sheets, pillows, blouses, tank tops, etc. Several of my friends though tit was really funny and so unusual of me to wear string silk bikini underwear, but I did. There wasn't anything sexual about it really, just that I liked the feel of them. Later, I realized they were very impractical and have switched to mostly cotton with a few pairs of silk bikini type as well. Because of this, they voted me as "sexy" as well as for whatever reason thinking I would be the first person to get laid or something. Mind you, this wasn't a school thing, just several friends of mine. And I seriously doubt I won out on that bet either.

Thanks for everyone who commented. It's always interesting to see what people think. Sarah, you have good guessing skills! As your prize, if you care to take it is this. It is not much and you may already have one, but I think they are really cute and comforting. I think it is fun to pass down to people, especially young children.

Liar, anyone?

Speaking of lying in my other post, The lovely Cammy tagged me for the Creative Writer Award. (Sorry, this is taking me so long to get to)

1. Thank the person who gave this to you.
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3. Link to the person who nominated you.
4. Tell us to six outrageous lies about yourself, and one truth.
5. Nominate seven "Creative Writers" who might also have fun telling outrageous lies.
6. Post links to the seven blogs you nominate.
7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know you tagged them.

Here are mine. Can you figure out which one is the truth?

1. I have been white water rafting on the New Gauley River in West virginia.
2. My first English word was "dog."
3. I have never killed any living creature intentionally.
4. I love watching fly fishing, gold, and baseball.
5. I have an affinity for wearing skirts and high heels or cowboy boots.
6. I used to love all things silk--bedsheets, blouses, scarves, string bikini underwear. I was voted "sexy" by my friends.
7. I can whistle loudly using a blade of grass, as well as through my teeth.

I'm just going to tag anyone who wants to participate and have some fun.

Berry Abby Bert

Ok ya'll, normally, I would not announce this humongous event, but my mom sent me the cutest card ever. If some of you remember my Valentine's Day post you'll understand why she wrote what she did.

Yep, it's my birthday, and I turn the big 3-0! It's a bit exciting to be out of the 20s, but at the same time, a little scary to now be 3 decades old. I don't have solid plans of anything yet. I know my boss and her husband are taking me out to dinner this week. I may buy myself a new bamboo steamer, maybe a new vacuum too? See, how frugal I am?

My parents have sent me gifts, and apparently the one from my mom and her husband must be really special. They have both called me in the last 3 days to ask if I have received it yet. Suspense!

Anyway, I'll have another, more reflective post about this birthday later in the week. Stay tuned for that.

How deception affects us

On Mondays, usually I try to catch the show House. Some days I watch fully engaged while other times I'm multi-tasking with dinner and being online. Tonight was the latter, but I managed to get the gist of the episode about a woman who became ill (not sure why she came to the hospital initially) and was a blogger. Apparently, she blogged about everything in her life, and at one point, there was an argument between she and her boyfriend? (maybe husband?) about blogging every nuance of her life. He didn't want her to blog about what was going on in the hospital or what she might possibly have (he felt like her blogging had become a form of entertainment only for an audience), but she differed, feeling like she needed to let her readers know.

Fast forward to the end. The girl was no longer dying of lymphoma like everyone thought, but rather House found clues through her blog about her symptoms. Then, he promptly asked her about what kind of bowel movements she had. A bit mortified and puzzled why he was asking her this, she answered. House explained the diagnosis--the catalyst was switching to a vegan diet which caused gastrointestinal problems which just snowballed from there. Then, he asked her why she held this important information from them and her blog readers. Of course, the girl's answer to that was who wanted to read about her feces? Lastly, House said this (this is not completely verbatim but close) right before he walked out:

"It's okay to have secrets as long as they are not going to hurt you. They are what keep us warm and fuzzy."

So this brings me to my latest adventure. Over the course of the last few weeks, I had to be a bit of a "spy" at work. I had to visit some other nearby dog facilities to get an idea of how they were run, what they featured, how filled to capacity they were, and most importantly how our facility would be different. Though we had already done a CMA (comparison market analysis) and knew information from my boss's clients, you never get the full picture unless visibly touring the facilities.

After visiting the first facility, I had this horrible sense of guilt. I felt awful that I was disguising myself the way I was, because the girl giving me the tour seemed so nice. It was obvious she thought I seemed like a very thorough, concerned owner, and she mentioned that I was her longest tour. When I got back to the office, I really wondered whether I could tour another facility. It took me a full week to mull this over.

After thinking it over, I decided to go visit the other two facilities. This time around, I found it much easier. It was as if I convinced myself that this wasn't a bad thing. I felt like a sly, smooth pretender. There was no longer an unsettled feeling but rather a settled comfort. I was surprised at how easy it was for me to be "deceptive" the second and third times around. It was almost like everything I said rolled off my tongue, and I became the role I was playing so well. A true actress, indeed.

This whole experience reminded me of my early ED days. Despite treating my parents like sh$t, I still felt horribly guilty for lying to them about my behaviors, whether I ate or not, whether I was manically exercising or not, etc. I think there was an instance or two where my dad asked about purging, and I vehemently denied it. What happened as a result of this? I convinced myself that I had to lie, that the deception would only hurt them more than me, that I needed to be even more secretive--a better actress.

Clearly, the problem with this logic or lack there of it was that by continuously lying, I just furthered myself into more self-destructive ED'd behaviors. The deception hurt me worse than anyone else.

Obviously, there are differences between these two lies. In the first scenario, I was not hurting anyone nor myself, whereas, in the second one, there was a lot of damage done.

I don't have any enlightening comments but that it is important to realize how deceiving ourselves can hurt us. Whether it is that we will be happier at X pounds, that we really don't need nourishment of any kind, that just "getting by" is okay, that starvation and overexercise is an okay way to quell our anxieties and stress (in a sense neurochemically, yes, but in the long run, not), that an ED will not kill us, think again. It is often difficult when your head is just full of ED mess, but I think it's the little things that count. That by every lie we are able to thwart aside, that it is a step toward eventual healing.

Note: *My acting was not completely intentional--that I thought about everything I did and the outcomes. Rather, it just seemed "normal" to me, a way of survival. Much of this is a hindsight type thinking.

Geese inspiration

About a month or so ago, I posted about the geese. Well, yesterday just as I was about to walk one of my client's two dogs (same dogs as in previous post) + Tovah, the geese were there right on their lawn! The dogs barked, but I thought this was such a good photo opportunity. It was too bad I just had my phone, because otherwise, the photos would have been stunning. Another time hopefully.

I put the dogs up except for Tovah. I am always so curious what she will do, and remarkably for her young age has great impulse control (well except the cat she saw the other day, but that's another story). So to start the weekend, here are some geese photos. I was able to get pretty close which is always very exciting for me.

I think I've talked about animal totems before. If not, you can click to learn more about them. Right now, I just seem more drawn to the geese. I'm almost thinking maybe they are like my "recovery" animal totem since they remind me so much about support and reaching out. Plus, geese are considered "nurturers," and I'd say I definitely fit that category.

If you believe in animal totems or the like (they say we have 9 or so throughout our life), what would you say are yours? And what do they represent to you? Do any resemble something related to recovery for you?






Look how close she is!

Declaration to ourselves

Last week I ran across this blog post which seemed so fitting to recovery. It's called a "Good Little Girl's Declaration of Independence" from the blog Practices Makes Imperfect which has some great posts about dealing with/overcoming perfectionism.

I think a lot of us have lost ourselves along the way with eating disorders. For many of us, one part of recovery is an attempt to find our authentic selves, gain self-worth, and discover who we truly are.

If you were to make a declaration of independence, what would you write/include?

To do or not to do

I've been thinking for the last few weeks to re-instill my "To Do" lists. I haven't had any major To Do type list on any consistent basis in awhile. Of course, this has probably been a good thing knowing my history with To Do lists (listing my day in 15-30 minutes increments with no emphasis on basic necessities), however, I'm beginning to feel like I'm getting nothing done. It's like going from one extreme to the other, but I don't really like either end of the spectrum. Where to find the balance? (I'm beginning to realize this is a lot like my running debate post)

It's been said in commentaries by other bloggers and researchers about how our traits that make us vulnerable to eating disorders also are what drive us to excel. There is no doubt there. But sometimes, I feel like because those of us with eating disorders have these traits, it's almost like in recovery, we're not allowed to be that. Does that make sense? Like we can't have a little perfectionism or a little sense of need to accomplish (in terms of tasks), because it's just an accident waiting to happen. Maybe I'm wrong here and just projecting my own feelings.

I guess the question here is more whether I can do a "To Do" list and not go overboard. Can I write a task list and not feel like I must get these things done in one day, or else I'm a loser failure? See, this just goes back to all that black and white thinking.

Balance is so hard sometimes. How do other people deal with To Do lists? For those who are reformed To Do Listers, did you have to eliminate these type of lists all together or were you able to strike some balance?