So it's Christmas

I must admit I'm not in a very holidayish mood. Of course those who have known me for years on end would probably say "well, you're never really in a holiday mood." This is true, holidays tend to stress me out. But this holiday, it's not so much a feeling of stress or dread as it is just apathy and blase`. It's like watching Thanksgiving and Christmas sneak up on you, barely realizing or caring it was even here anyway. It's kind of sad, because I had this fantasy of having a beautiful Christmas in my first new home.

But since my mother is in San Diego at her husband's son's wedding (technically, this makes him my older step-brother but I honestly never think of him that way), and I declined having my father visit me out of pity for Christmas, I'm here alone. Trust me, I'm used to it, it's not a big deal anymore. However, I will be going to Christmas dinner at an unknown person's house, kind of similar to Thanksgiving. This person is my boss's husband's mother who apparently loves to entertain. She's been told I was vegetarian and do not drink (there is a champagne toast somewhere thrown in the occasion), so it should be interesting to see what is available. I've been told there will be plenty of vegetables.

I'm not too worried about the dinner itself but I actually feel a bit of concern about what to wear as I've been told this person can be judgmental at times. I asked A. about this, and she said she never wears jeans, so I guess it that means khakis, dress pants, or a dress. Hmmm. I think I only have option khakis in my closet with perhaps a nice blouse.

The rest of today is low key with going through more boxes (I've procrastinated this quite a bit), deciding what to donate and being with the dogs. Secretly, I'll be glad when the holiday season is over, and the expectation and guilt of not being so jolly for the holidays will be over. I still hold out hope that one day I will actually feel real "happiness."

Ok, so not to end on such a sour note, here are a few funny Christmas ecards. I truly hope that each and every one of you have a happy holiday, surrounded by those you love. Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays to all!

Top ten politically correct Christmas Carols

Gingerbread cookie joke
(I hope your holiday does not wind up like the gingerbread cookie men)

Debate: to join running training group or not?

The other day I was at a friend's house dog sitting and happened to see this running newsletter. My friend I know is not a runner, so I guess it must have been her husband's. Anyway, I thumbed through it and noticed that a running training group will be starting for my area in January for an upcoming half and full marathon in the spring.

Wheels turn in my head, should I join or not?

Previously, I ran two marathons last year (that feels like sooo long ago) and ran up until this past May. Then, I took a break from running all together and have not run one iota since. This is a record for me since 2001 maybe? I have, however, been leisurely walking dogs almost everyday which has felt good.

Part of me really wants to join so I can meet some new people around here. The other part of me isn't sure I am ready to be training again. But then again, I was oh so close to qualifying for Boston at my last marathon. While it is true, training did help motivate me towards a goal and fuel myself better, I still had many days of falling into an obsessive route.

I like to think that maybe by joining a group, I might be able to keep a better balance of things, but we all know how easy it can be to lapse into an extra workout here or there, only to wind up having exercise take over a complete pie chart of your life.

So I don't know what to do. I have to decide soon. The informational meeting is tomorrow evening, but I don't think you actually have to confirm and pay until the first workout in January.

I ask you, should Tiptoe join the group and take a chance that she is healthy enough in recovery to keep herself stable? Or should Tiptoe not risk it at all and continue leisurely walking dogs and maybe adding a jog or two here or there? Maybe it's too much right now? Please vote in poll as well as commenting here.

Note: *Just to add, I'm not in any treatment at all right now. Several weeks ago, I actually called C. and told her to close my file since I had no clue when I'd be able to see her again, and it had already been a few months since I had an appt. I know I can reopen my file at anytime, but it is not likely since I am a further distance from her--driveable but difficult.

Thwarting possible triggers

It's interesting in this new job, because I'm actually around people again. For the last 4-5 years, I've pretty much been alone with just the dogs. Luckily, I'm not in an environment where weight is discussed frequently, but occasionally it is brought up.

My boss was saying how she had been trying to eat healthier. She said after her mom died recently, it made her reassess things. The other office person in the room said she noticed that her clothes were baggier too. A. said something along the lines of "yeah, can you imagine me anorexic at my height and weighing XX pounds?" My reply was, "yes, and I've known many similar stories." I kind of gave A. a look and said that it was good to be healthy but that it can easily go overboard, that it is more about moderation than anything else. A. agreed but I still worry.

I've known A. for a long time and a few years ago, she told me about her anorexia plight in high school, and I revealed to her my own struggles as well. A. recovered from her anorexia by essentially having her parents use a "modified" version of the Maudsley Method. They had sit down meals where A. had to finish her meals. They checked her weight often, telling her it had to be an X amount before doing certain socialite activities. The only thing I'd say she did not have was any therapy at all. Amazingly, A. never relapsed, at least not full fledged, but still I know she presents some of the underlying factors that easily contribute to eating disorders.

I did not tell her during this conversation, but what I wanted to say was, "you really do need to be careful, because it is so easy to fall back with just one misstep. She also said to me that there were times when she just simply did not feel like eating or felt physically ill (this was after her mom's death). I understood this and held my tongue in saying, "you really need to try to eat at those times, because you can spiral out of control."

Ironically, after this entire episode, we went out to lunch at a buffet and A. commented that this was the most she'd seen me eat. She added in that she meant that in a healthy way as she's been me pick at food before. Normally, this kind of comment would have thrown me into some tail spin, like "Yes, I really do eat, people!" However, this time, it did not. Instead, I just went on my merry way of eating lunch just like, well, it was lunch and nothing more than that. We went on with other topics of conversation related to work, the dogs, etc. Truly, A. has done a tremendous amount for me, and I feel in a way, I owe it to her to stay healthy as kind of her "right arm" person. There's honestly too much at stake for me to fall ill again and crumble.

Perhaps, that is one incentive for me to continue on the bandwagon in recovery. It is of course for myself too, and there are certainly times I have to remind myself where I once was to where I am now. Life is still not completely fulfilled. I have a long way to go with that, but having a clearer head, feeling less tired, especially driving (yes, there was a massive link for me with undernutrition, sleep deprivation, and driving), learning to feel emotions again feel worth it right now. And so, I continue to trudge along my off-beaten path.

Embarking on a new chapter in my life

This will be a short post since I'm pretty tired. Many are probably wondering where in the heck I went for the last few months and why my blog was set to private during that time. Though I am no complainer in any way shape or form, I've just had a lot going on with many changes and heartache in a very short period of time.

Some of these include:

Resigning from my job
Starting a new job
Buying a house
Moving into a new house
Relocating to a different area
Dealing with Baxter's illness, surgery, and treatment
Grieving the loss of Baxter

In the archives of October, November, and December, you can read about my first time house buying experience, moving, and everything that went on with Baxter.

Losing Baxter is still very difficult. I think about him and visualize all the places where he used to be, the funny habits and quirks he had, and the comforting feeling I felt when his head was literally next to my head on the pillow at bedtime. I miss his presence dearly and how he used to pick up all the dog bowls for me. Now, I actually have to pick them up myself until I teach another dog to.

I think the saddest thing for me is that I feel like as I embark on a new chapter in my life, Baxter should be here with me to test out all the waters. The thing that gives me a sense of acceptance is reminding myself that everything happens for a reason. We may not be able to see it at the time, but I do believe, there is always a reason.

Overall, I think I've handled things fairly well--at least better than I have in the past. I still got stressed, worried, anxious, eating fell off the bandwagon slightly for a week or two, but for the most part, these emotions didn't rule every aspect of my life so much. It helped tremendously having a gps to get around as driving in new locations is not my forte and causes a lot of anxiety. Yes, I still got lost, but I at least was able to find another route. Now, I can actually drive places without the gps which makes me feel much more confident!

Saying good-bye to Baxter

I've never been good at saying good-byes, and the one on December 8th this week was probably the hardest I've ever had to do. I know several of you have been following Baxter's updates, and I don't feel like it would be complete without this post.

Sadly, I had to make the decision to let Baxter go. As my previous post said, he was not doing well. I visited him on Saturday night, and there was no change in his demeanor--still comatose, despite high dose steroids and mannitol, a drug to reduce cerebral edema often used with trauma patients. The next afternoon, I made my final decision to release him to the Rainbow Bridge.

His passing could not be a spur of the moment thing, however, as I really wanted things done a certain way. I had been in touch with the UMN vet the entire time, and she finally realized Baxter's grave condition and agreed with my assessments. We both decided that a necropsy would be very helpful, not only for research purposes (she was very gracious that I even allowed this as many owners would not have gone to that trouble), but also to hopefully shed light on answers and causes. His death was untimely, unpredictable, and we were all kind of stunned, honestly.

Through much arrangement, the emergency vet center agreed to send his body (unfortunately it had to be in two shipments--yes gross I know), and then, I could proceed with his final days here on earth. I took Hank and Daphne on Monday night to see Baxter one last time. I knew they would understand. This was probably more for me in the long run, but I felt like they needed to say good-bye. They both did well, remained calm, and seemed sad too. There was a moment when Hank had water droplets on his nose. I like to think those were his tears.

I took Tovah the next day with me. Some people argue about this, but I really wanted her to understand. I took precautions as I did not want to upset her terribly. She did very well, sniffing him before and afterwards. The friend I had with me said that when the medications were administered, she came to her and buried her head in her legs. I knew she understood and was able to say her good-bye. Afterwards, she was able to play with her new buddy, Betty, a standard poodle whom my friend and I are taking care of for our vet who recently got married and is on her honeymoon. Since they met last week, they are like two peas in a pod!

Baxter's passing was quick. With two long snores, he was gone. I knew in a sense he was not completely there, but at the same time, I think his body held on long enough for me to release him. By this time, I knew it was time as he had some swelling in his paws. I stroked his head, cried, talked to him, told him how much I loved him, how he had been such a strong fighter, how I would be okay eventually, how he would be a in a place that was pain-free, how he was such a good boy, how I'd miss him so much, how I could have never asked for anything more from him.

Though this is all so sad and difficult for me, I have to give much credit to the emergency vets, to the UMN vet, my personal vet and substitute vet who worked really hard to save him.. I think each of them were affected by his passing and are very interested to hear what the necropsy results are. I feel closest to the UMN vet, because I know she had a lot of stake in this. I know she is just as confused and saddened as I am. I feel grateful knowing that she did not treat Baxter just as "dog number 14," but as Baxter, a dog trying to get better from brain cancer, a dog who was someone's constant companion. I'm also quite grateful I was here in this location at the time, as I know where I had been living, they would not have been equipped to handle Baxter's care.

This week has been filled with many many tears. One reason why this has been so difficult for me is because Baxter was my first dog on my own. I obtained him in college at a point when I was severely depressed and lonely. He helped in so many ways with filling such an empty void. Baxter did other things for me as well. It was because of him I got into dog training. It was because of him I got into natural diets and wanting to provide the best nutrition possible for him. He taught me so many things about life and was there to weather the storm on all my bad days and become the ray of sunshine I needed. In essence, he was "the dog," as my friend says. He was "the dog" that changed my life.

The one consolation for me in all of this is in hoping that a good outcome is possible. I hope that by learning from Baxter, he can help other dogs and humans in the future. In that, I like to think of this as Baxter's greatest attribute to service.

I know I have all the memories of him from puppyhood to adulthood that will always remain with me forever, but still, sometimes, I think I am waiting for some sign from him just to know he made it safely to the Rainbow Bridge. If you're there Baxter, drop a dog bowl on the ground so I can hear it or hit the doggie doorbells. Then, I will know you are where you need to be.

~Baxter~
6/4/99-12/8/09

Weighing out hard decisions

I know I have discussed Baxter on here extensively, and I am again. This week has been really hard. As I mentioned before, he was making small improvements up until last Sunday. Then, he suddenly began declining. At the vet's, we hydrated him subcutaneously first, then intravenously on Thursday. On Wednesday, he received his first vaccine dose from U. of Minnesota. On Thursday, he seemed worse off than he had been and fell into what I'd call similar to a coma. His vitals are okay but bp and heart rate are low which makes sense since he has not been moving much.

He's back at the emergency vet to have intravenous phenobarbital and medications to reduce cerebral edema. We're not exactly sure the cause for his coma-like state, but we think it is mostly cerebral edema versus overmedication which we originally thought. I've been in touch with the emergency vets, my substitute vet, Dr. R. (mine is getting married today and going on a honeymoon), and the vet in Minnesota, Dr. P., who performed Baxter's brain surgery. Dr. P. did not realize the state Baxter was in, but I think has finally understood.

Right now, I'm in a difficult position. I don't know the chances that Baxter will come out of this. All I can do is hope. I honestly do not believe he is suffering, just in a very very deep sleep. Some would argue with me on this point of course, but this is my feeling. The question for me is whether his body can hold up. My fear is making a pre-emptive decision and regretting it later or regretting that I may not have given him the most chance to respond. But at the same time, I do know there comes a point when to stop.

In some ways, you could say, I've already started grieving as I question my actions, cry a lot, and "miss" him so much. Every time I write or talk about him, tears just come flowing through my eyes. I'm giving at least the weekend to see if he can come around at all. And if there is no response, I'll have to make the final decision.

Note--*I'll be turning my blog back to public soon

Overwhelmed!

Despite having so many successes with challenges lately, I'm feeling very overwhelmed with everything. I just feel like it never ends, and something else comes up. It's either that or that everything just has horrible timing!

*Baxter is not doing well. He was doing well last week and making small improvements. I thought we ere having a breakthrough finally. Then on Sunday, he began going downhill fast. His last meal was Sun. AM. He has not eaten since then nor taken in fluids other than my syringe fulls of water and gatorade which were not too successful today. Right now, we're treating the dehydration, hoping it makes him feel better. I'm experimenting with foods too to try to get him to eat. It is like he is too weak to even eat, and he is down 4 pounds from a week ago.

*My vet is getting married (yeah for her!) and going on her honeymoon for ten days. I'm very happy for her but hate that she is gone for so long. She has a replacement, but I've never met him. Supposedly, he is good though. My boss and I are also taking care of her two dogs while she is gone. The positive is that it gives Tovah some dogs to play with since one of them is apparently very playful.

*My boss suddenly had to be gone from yesterday to Thursday to do stuff at her dad's. I'll be taking care of her dogs while she is gone.

*The glass guy is coming tomorrow. He is replacing many windows and will be here most of the day. I have put this off, but the guy really wants it to be done. He is afraid the glass is going to break.

*I really need to take my computers in to get them repaired. It's been trouble finding time.

*I haven't gotten as much done work wise which makes me feel like I'm being unproductive.

*Financially, I'm super stressed. I know there is a big transition period, but it is so rough right now. I hate going over my cell phone minutes, but people seem to get upset when I tell them they really need to call me after 9 PM. Then, there are other bills that were more than I expected.

*My family keeps asking me what I want for Christmas. Of course, this is all in good spirits, but Christmas is the last thing on my mind!

*I'm feeling fat and have had a few small "binge" episodes.

*I haven't had therapy since like Sept., and I am pretty sure she just wants to close my file. An hour wouldn't even be sufficient in getting through all that has happened. I don't think snail mailing counts, and I really don't have the time to drive back and forth for 80 min. each way plus an hour of therapy right now.

I know ultimately I just need to get through this time period in one piece and remind myself it is not forever--that everything will smooth out eventually. Gee, I really hope so, because I can imagine myself getting some premature gray hair.