Sunday, March 28, 2010

Missing things...

Despite the fact that I've been insanely busy the last few weeks and my anxiety is slightly increasing over my work facility actually opening, I've noticed I've just been missing things lately. I hate to admit it, but I'm still saddened by Baxter's passing away. I don't have gushing, all out tears anymore, but I still think of him often, like on a walk, imagine him doing his "Boxer burn" through the yard, barking to want to come in, giving me his paw to hold, bringing me the remote and dog bowls, laying his head right beside mine at night, and many other nuances he had and become teary. I don't fault myself for my struggle, but sometimes I think I should be further along than I am. Having his ashes wasn't as healing as I had hoped, so as spring is here, I will be making my own memorial to Baxter by planting an Eastern White Pine tree (one of his favorite) with surrounding wildflowers in my yard and making a photo/video montage to him. I'm hoping to complete it by what would have been his 11th birthday in June.

I'm also missing my old therapist whom I referred to as "C" here. The other day, someone posted a comment on the blog with her name, and just for a moment, I thought it might have been her. I doubted it but checked in my stats anyway. I wrote C. back in January but have not since then, afraid of appearing too needy or clingy. I've thought about seeing another therapist, but I'm not really sure what it would be for. My eating issues are more manageable these days (there' s always room for improvement), I no longer feel depressed like I once was, there isn't a "crisis" moment right now or a feeling that my life looks bleak,(still get moments of the whole existential anxiety though), my relationship with my family is better overall, I've worked through some of my trauma issues, so they no longer feel like a black cloud over my head, and begun dating again. This is all good, positive stuff that I once thought would never happen to me. This is what any therapist would want from their client--to move on, gain their wings and fly.

But yet, I still miss C. (and probably therapy too) I miss that interaction of talking to her about my deepest feelings, someone to counteract what I may be thinking, even if it was just for a moment, someone to make me think more about my actions/feelings, etc. I hope this doesn't come across as a transference thing, because that is not it. I'd known C. off and on for ten years, and this last round of therapy with her was one of the most meaningful (the other when I first saw her in college).

Maybe I'm just missing the safety of it all--the safety of therapy, the safety I felt with C., the safety of letting my guard down with no guilt or worries.

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On a happy note, I'm thinking about getting a bunny!

Note--*I've changed the blog template. I wanted something a little more bright. Unfortunately, blogger kept giving me errors with changing my font color, so I'm manually going through every post and changing it. Therefore, if you are looking through older archives, I have not gotten to changing it yet.

5 comments:

Kim said...

I think it's totally normal to still miss Baxter and C. I sometimes think of my old therapist, Michelle, and I haven't seen her since, oh, 2003 or so. I miss her in many ways. And I still miss my cat who disappeared in September. I cried for months during random moments of thinking of her. Let yourself feel what you feel...

M said...

I think you have plenty of reasons to seek therapy, merely if you like the idea of talking about your life and thoughts and getting feedback. However, I think there's actually a therapy code (diagnostic code) for "life transitions" ... and you have hefty doses of that with the move and the job and the loss, along with managing a segue from a life more rife with issues of eating disorder, trauma and depression to one filled with personal and job growth, healthy risk-taking and dating.

I feel you on Baxter ... we lost Henry at the same time, and he also would have been 11 this June. Lots of things every day that are bittersweet reminders, even the storms tonight that would have frightened him so. I think pets are part of our identities forever ... No. 2 son was saying this weekend how it was still so hard for him: "I used to be known as the boy with a pack of greyhounds, and now I only have two."

Take care of you ... let yourself be sad ... and proud of the progress and the good things.

Tiptoe said...

Kim, you're right one about that this is human nature. I have such a hard time with not beating myself up about this sort of stuff. I know sadness is a feeling that we all feel.

M, it's not so much liking to talk with someone about my life, it's that I felt comfortable enough with C. to do so and did like her feedback. It took me a long time to get there though, but I certainly understand your point. I believe you are right there is a code for "transitions."

Though I think I'm dealing with everything that has been thrown at me fairly well, sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for that part where I afll to pieces and want someone there to hold me up y'know?

I feel for you too with the loss of Henry. It is so hard losing our pets, and they do become a part of us. I hope your son is able to grieve as well.

Anonymous said...

Tiptoe,
I think feelings connected to loss of Baxter are normal and very important for some kind of definitie inner goodbye.
Missing therapist is normal too, I think, so don't worry about it much. I sometimes miss very very unimportant things or feelings- for example some kind of light and weather, seasonal food or random people I met even without knowing their names. Sorry for rambling I quess I want to say that missing something/someone is normal, allow yourself this feelings, they can heal like tears can (at least in me it works).
And woot for bunny!
ola

Rachel said...

I still think about my Grayson nearly every day. I also had him cremated and planned to use part of his ashes in some way in my garden as a memorial to him, but haven't decided what yet exactly.

Sometimes I feel guilty for loving the kittens as fiercely as I do since the only reason we have them is because Grayson is gone. But then I remind myself that the best way to honor a pet's memory is to open your home to another unwanted pet like, say, a bunny ;) And by you taking in the bunny, it allows me to take in another unwanted bunny, so in the end, you're helping two animals in need.