Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Progress? update
image: foodnetwork

A few weeks ago I questioned my progress in food intake. (The post can be read here) This didn't just mean the amount of calories but also rather my food choices which for the most part had not changed in eight or so years. The post made me think about how I needed to try more and step up to the plate even when it feels scary and uncomfortable.

So, I'm back to report. I bought avocados a day or so after writing that post. I bought them completely on a whim since they were on sale. I'm really not quite sure what possessed me to buy them as it isn't usually something I think of as "I'd really like to eat that." Actually, I've always thought of avocados as very fattening, even if it is the "good" fat, ie monosaturated fat. To me, like many ED people, fat is well fat. It's always been a bit of an issue for me, though I have gotten a little better over the years, so fat is no longer completely banned from my diet as it once used to be.

I also think the only time I've ever eaten avocado is in the California sushi rolls. I'm not a big Mexican food fan, so guacamole and such I rarely eat. In general, I really didn't know how to prepare it either. I posed the question in a forum and got some good suggestions. Now, the hard part. Get myself to actually eat it.

Well, the avocados sat in my fridge for at least two weeks. They stayed in the back ,behind all my other fruit, so I really didn't have to think about it. I kept thinking that if I just applied the whole "out of sight, out of mind" concept, they would somehow disappear. I kind of dreaded at that point buying them and knew I could toss them, except that I hated the thought of wasting money even if they were on sale.

This past weekend, I had this craving for tuna fish salad. No clue why but I did. Again, mayonnaise is not an item I normally buy. In fact, I rarely eat mayonnaise at all. But that pre-dates eating disordered times. I bought mayonnaise only in order to make the tuna fish salad. I found myself having a hard time just choosing which mayonnaise. I was, however, not confident enough to buy the full fat version, so I did remain safe and went with the lower fat/less calories version.

I made the tuna fish salad and was still thinking about those avocados. I had remembered reading about avocado and tuna fish, so I decided to see how that might taste. After a few futile attempts, ie getting the food out, opening it, smelling it, putting it back in the fridge, I finally took a small bite of the tuna fish/avocado mixture. Surprisingly, it tasted pretty good. I took a few more bites, and then put the rest away. Whew, that was all my head could handle for the day.

This may seem insignificant, but I think it was a good smallish step to diversifying my food a bit. Now, I don't know when I'll eat avocado and/or tuna fish salad again. It may be soon, it may be awhile from now. But you know what, I was able to fight through that feeling of being scared and uncomfortable. Better yet, I didn't balloon to the size of an elephant, something I had actually imagined in my irrational fear. This just reminded me that I really can make breakthroughs if I push myself a little harder. Sometimes, it's the small victories that count the most.

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