I just read this blog post over at 360 Degrees of Mindful Living about fullness. From the blog:
First, the sensation of hunger goes away. This is a moment of hunger relief. This happens almost too fast for us to have time to enjoy a meal. If you stop eating at this point, then you no longer feel the painful emptiness of hunger, but you also do not yet feel full.
If you keep on eating, you will next experience a moment of pleasant fullness as the food distends the lining of your stomach, but not so much as to cause pain.
If you keep on eating, you will eventually experience a moment of unpleasant fullness as the stomach distends to a painful degree.
I wish feeling satiety and fullness like this was so easy. For many of us with eating disorders or are in recovery, we have a hard enough time establishing, distinguishing, "being in touch" with our hunger cues. For so long, we have ignored them that when they arise, they feel foreign and uncomfortable (what my body needs food now?). After awhile of continually neglecting these signals, our body stops producing them. And then there is just silence. Ahh, sometimes, I admit, I kind of miss those days where I did not have to make such decisions and efforts about food, or my body telling me it actually needed something to live on. But the aftermath is not so pretty as we all know.
And so when we eventually head toward recovery, one goal is to relearn these hunger and satiety cues (aka intuitive eating). For me, it's really been more about mechanical eating--it's a certain time of day, I need to eat something, etc. This isn't to say that I completely ignore intuitive eating, but just that the mechanical technique for me has been easier right now. I find if I am hungry, and my stomach roars, and I don't eat right away, well, it will either go away completely, leading me to forget it or something like what occurred on Friday will happen.
My schedule was different, and I didn't plan it out well. I had a hunger attack and nothing to eat at the time (was at a client's house). Since I was two hours off of my scheduled time, my stomach felt horribly awful-distended and bloated which half the time makes me not want to eat. But since I knew this was probably from not having eaten in several hours, I found something to eat at home while letting the dogs out which my stomach did seem to thank me for. (If it could smile, it would)
Besides the hunger cue thing, we have to tackle fullness as well. The post above distinguishes from pleasant fullness and unpleasant fullness. In the early stages of recovery, for many of us, there is an unpleasant feeling of fullness, not only physically but emotionally as well. It takes a lot of time to reach a feeling of pleasant fullness where our bodies realize it can rely on food substances and our minds can feel at peace with it and maybe even content too.
The post offers some good suggestions for pleasant fullness and unpleasant fullness words. It might be something good to do as an exercise or in explaining to someone how you may feel after such a meal.
Note--*There's been some research on the poor or lack of interoceptive awareness (ability of an individual to discriminate between sensations and feelings) here, here, here, and here among those with eating disorders.
I happened to catch this word, borborygmus (pronounced bor-buh-rig-mus), in a recent issue of O! magazine. I don't read this magazine often, but secretly only bought it because there were some interesting articles on animals in it. And who says we don't buy magazines for content? Ha!
Anyway the magazine said the definition was "the grumbling noises your stomach makes." Well, immediately, I thought hunger. This is true to an extent, but after some quick google search, it's actually the sound produced from gas movement in your intestines. Bleh, that is nice to know eh? It's just that the growling is typically associated with the stomach, because it is usually louder.
The origin of borborygmus is Greek, translating as an onomatopoeia (a word that imitates the sounds it makes) meaning "rumbling." This Scientific American article explains in detail the mechanism of what is going on in your body. In digestion, there is a term called peristalsis. It is a series of wave-like muscular contractions which helps move food along within the digestive tract. Peristalsis increases with the consumption of food, however, it also occurs in the absence of food and when the stomach and small intestines have been empty for about two hours. Once this has occurred, stomach receptors respond by causing a reflex generation of waves of electrical activity (migrating myoelectric complexes) that leads to hunger contractions. This then leads to an intestinal "housecleaning" of sorts which causes the grumbling noises associated with hunger.
It is good to distinguish here that these are NOT hunger pangs which result 12-24 or more hours after the last meal. The borborygmus is more like a false hunger pang.
I bring this up, because I know for so many of us, it seems are bodies are constantly hungry. This is true after years of deprivation, and it is quite nuisance when it seems our bodies do not believe we have just fed it! However, I think a lot of what we are feeling too is this borborygmus, at least after initial refeeding.
I know the worst time this has happened is when I've been at therapy appointments and my stomach decides to growl loudly despite having eaten a short time ago. None of my therapists have ever said anything, but I always wonder if then, they question whether I have eaten or not. This borborygmus (it's nice to have a name to it) always makes me want to shout, "Really, yes, I have eaten, just an hour or two ago, I swear." And then, I just imagine some stare, eyes looking down upon me, like a schoolteacher looking over her glasses, saying "Uh-huh." Then, it makes me feel guilty for all the times I've lied about not eating, when really now, I just want to be believed.
As much as I like plans and predictability in my life, after having moments like I had this weekend, I am reminded how we all need a little spontaneity. Sometimes, things turn out way better than anticipated, and if you had turned down the opportunity for [insert whatever crapola excuse], you might have regretted it.
Saturday started out with meeting K. whom I hadn't seen since last October at the dog conference and her new dog. She wanted him to meet me as well as see the kennel before his boarding. It went well overall, and we both think he will be okay for his boarding which will also include his three other housemates. K. and I also talked a lot about work, my life, etc. It's comforting to know that she tries to look out after me and wants to see me happy. My parents and friends do too of course, it's just different since she understands my situation well. We're hoping to meet again in May and have lunch or dinner.
Saturday evening I met with H. who was visiting her sister. H. and I used to carpool together for gymnastics and also attended the same middle and high school. We stayed in touch a little in college but for the most past lost contact until I found her on facebook not too long ago. When she said she was in town, I really wanted to go meet her, but there was still that nagging sense of change of routine. So Tiptoe had to do some of that 'ole positive self-talk, you know the kind they always talk about in therapy. I took a deep breath and said "let's meet at P.F. Chang's."
I got there about ten minutes before H. The restaurant was packed but the waiting time was not too bad. H. saw me first and walked over and hugged me. I honestly didn't recognize her. Her hair was shorter with a blonde streak. Her body was curvier, and she looked mega tall in those heels. Then, she said she wanted me to meet someone. Apparently, it was her French roommate, C. This I had not expected. It's not that I don't mind meeting new people, but eating in front of strange people is awkward for me.
I noticed from the get go that C. was very gregarious (I'll get to that case in point at the end). Apparently, C. also loves shoes and shopping, so we headed to a few nearby stores as we waited for our table. H. and I just talked, trying to catch up on ten years' worth of our lives.
After we got our table, we all chatted about various topics. I learned H. had lived in a variety of places, including currently Paris which is where she met C. She will be back in the states for law school this fall, however. We talked a lot about high school, our families, our experiences, etc. It really only scratched the surface, but it was enough to tell me how I'd like to keep in touch with H. better.
A few things that stood out to me was how we had both changed but stayed the same too. There is always such a difference from knowing someone in just middle and high school and then not seeing them through their college years. Many do mature through that time. I think this was the nice thing with H. It wasn't the high school H., but the young woman who has experienced, traveled, fallen in love, and just simply grew up. Sometimes I can see it better in people than myself. Sometimes I think having been mature beyond my years was a detriment, kind of like there wasn't room for that much more growth, because I was already there.
The dinner I had was great. I had a Sichuan in the sea which was a seafood combo of shrimp, scallops, and calamari. If you've ever had general tso's chicken, it was like that texture but very spicy. I wound up only eating half of it and deciding to get a box. I quickly learned from both H. and C. that you never do that in France. That made me rethink things, but then I said, "well, it's too good to leave." They both agreed as well.
The two of them decided to head to a bar/club which we found the waiter very informative for. He was actually a cute fella but very young at only 21. I kind of laughed at the places he recommended which were all the college age/scene. I decided to head home as bars and clubs are not my thing. They were cool with that. However, right before we left (and this is the part I mean where C. is very gregarious), C. insisted on taking photos in front of the big P.F. Change horse (I believe all the restaurants have one) with her camera phone. H. took one of her, then one of H. and me. Then, she asked some older random dude (kind of sketchy) what time the mall closed. He didn't know but said he wanted a photo with her. He wound up taking a photo of all three of us and C. took one of H, me, and the dude. As he drove away, he just honked and waved and was all giddy. I guess that is just NOT something I would have done. I'm sure it will be on one of their facebook pages when they get home.
So that was my adventure for the night. I was highly overstimulated from all the "social-ness", but I seemed to be okay the next day. The other reason why these events were meaningful was that early in the week I was a bit down. Several friends who live nearby, I had wanted to get together with. One, I know has issues going on but just never seems around. The other always says she is working and doesn't appear to make much of an effort. Both of these people are not great phone callers either, not that I'm a phone person either but I do like to check in every few weeks or so to see how they are doing. It did however make me rethink how I need to expand my social circle which is always a hard thing for me. Sometimes I think people who live out of state make more of an effort to get together versus those who live close by and take it for granted. Or maybe those are the people I just know. :sigh:
And lastly, I should mention that H. did not comment once about my figure. There was no "you are thinner" comments or "you have lost so much weight." Both of these are truly not true, just a weight distribution phenomena. I only mention this because in past posts I have talked about people mentioning my body size and how it aggravates me to pieces. Maybe H. did notice but she never said anything, so I'm just grateful for that.
Irene Rubaum-Keller, a blogger at the Huffington Post recently posted about a "new eating disorder," she has been seeing in her practice. In her post, she talks about women in their 30s and 40s who come to her not knowing how to maintain a healthy weight. These are women who I'm presuming (at least she does not say this in the post) do not necessarily fit a clinical eating disorder diagnosis but would still take drastic measures in their eating and exercise regimens to lose weight. Once they reached the desired weight, they went back to how they ate/exercised before and regained the weight.
Now older, they realize they can no longer take the drastic measures they did previously and feel at a loss of what to do. Rubaum-Keller feels that these individuals have learned how to lose weight temporarily and gain weight but not maintain a healthy weight.
I'm not sure I'd classify this as a new eating disorder. To me, it seems like the profile of the yo-yo dieter. I guess I get where she is going with the idea, but to call it a new eating disorder seems a bit of a stretch. That seems to be happening a lot however. At least she didn't give it an "-rexia" name.
What do you think? Is this a new, different eating disorder? If so, what's the criteria exactly?
Eating disorders and disordered eating have recently been discussed in athletics. I've posted about it on here a number of times.. Although an eltie athlete's needs are different nutritionally than the average person, I think it's also important to showcase those who have "normal, healthy" eating habits.
Here are some brief interviews with Mary Lou Retton, Olympic gymnast in 1984, Apolo Anton Ohno, Olympic speedskater in 2002 and 2006, and Dara Torres, Olympic swimmer who now has won 10 Olympic medals.
Mary Lou's interview is here.
Apolo Anton Ohno is here.
Dara Torres is here.
Two other elite athlets in the sport of running also talk about healthy eating. With Kara Goucher who will be running the 5,000m and 10,000m in this Olympics, in this interview she discusses how she overcame disordered eating and now eats healthy, making sure she gets enough calories for her perfomances.
Jennifer Rhines never had an eating disorder but knew many of her fellow teammates that did. Her emphasis in this interview is that if an athlete wants to make it to the elite level, an athlete has to fuel his/her body appropriately. Otherwise, he/she won't last.
What I love about these athletes is that they do not count calories. Each eat healthily for their body, realizing food is fuel for their body, and if they want to do well, they must eat enough. The other aspect of these athletes is that they are not depriving themselves of "bad" food. They eat dessert, doritoes, m&ms, etc. It's all a balance.
I think it's just a good take away message. Sometimes it's easy to look at all the negatives, but it's important to remember the positives too and what we can learn from them.
Today, I had my second physical therapy appointment. The first thing I did was show her a picture of the dog bite bruise. I figured you can say so much but a picture gives it more justice. After seeing it, she could tell how it definitely caused some damage. 
After that, my PT asked how my hamstring was and whether I went running this week, how much, and whether I was planning to run this weekend. I was honest with her. I did scale back a little, however, the look on her face said she was disappointed. Or maybe it wasn't disappointment but rather just being unhappy with me. I told her I hoped she wasn't going to say I couldn't run. She said that she wasn't but never really finished the thought. Darn, my feelings of doing everything else right kind of went out the door. I had been very vigilant about doing all my pt exercises, stretching a lot, icing, etc. this week.
I did some exercises today and had someone do deep tissue massage. My PT asked how I felt afterwards. Nothing really changed. I felt the same, my leg still hurt, etc. All I said was I was a little sore, but I'd get a better idea after doing things. Apparently, my PT had planned to do a lot more things today but since I was so sore, she decided to just keep everything the same. My next appointment is on Tuesday and Thursday next week.
This got me thinking. I feel really conflicted. Part of me knows there is always a chance of completely tearing or rupturing the hamstring. However, another part of me still wants to run my usual amount of mileage. I've been in positions like this before. It's not easy. I usually push myself to the breaking point. I know my pain tolerance is high, so it's easy to just keep pushing ahead.
I think this is also tied into eating. Running gives me a sense of "control" in a way. I don't know if it is that when I run, it's okay for me to eat or it just feels more on schedule or what. I know I don't need to "earn" food, I deserve it, but by exercising, I just feel like I'm not thinking about it so much. I know this is all warped. I need to let go of this feeling. I'm just not sure how right now.
