Discussion boards

These days, I don't post much on discussion boards. However, I was intrigued by a new website Secret Society of Women. I had read a recent article on Lisa Ling where she talked about her miscarriage last year. She decided to create this website for women to share their secrets, wisdom, gratitudes, wishes, etc. anonymously.

In order to view the website, you do have to register. I browsed the topics in their secrets section. There are a variety--everything from body image/eating disorders to marriage/divorce, resentments/regrets, fears/phobias, loneliness, addictions, pregnancy, religion/spirituality, and more. I found it ironic that the thread which had the most responses was on a topic about fear of pitbulls.

Anyway, I did want to pass on the site in case anyone was interested in participating. The ED section is not like the SF Board where numbers are not permitted, so do proceed with caution if numbers trigger you. The site itself, however, is moderated and if there are red flags, actions are taken accordingly.

In my personal experience, discussion boards have a bit of a love/hate relationship with me in terms of Ed/mental health. (For whatever reason, I have a much better positive vibe with small group e-mail lists) I have met some wonderful people from discussion boards--some have become great friends, but at other times, I felt exasperated, annoyed, and unworthy. I also know how easy it can be to get sucked in and read posts all day. At one point in high school and early college, I was like that which also paralleled the time the ED was the worst for me. I've learned that I tend to gravitate towards these type of boards when I'm doing poorly, depressed, lonely, etc. It's almost become one red flag for me.

Saying that, this is not to say I'm doing poorly, but I know this is a tough time for me. I know it'll get better eventually, and that it is important to remain optimistic. I also know lonely moments and depressed feelings are natural, but like anything, dwelling on it doesn't help matters. Instead, what I'm going to focus on instead is what I have to look forward to. I'm going to try to find at least one thing, no matter how small or simple, every day to look forward to. I figure it is good motivation if nothing else.

So today's Looking Forward To thought is making banana bread and brownies for my neighbor who graciously took care of my dogs and bunny while I was away last week.

Do you belong to discussion boards? What is your experience with them? Yay or Nay?
What things do you have to look forward to this week? Share your comments.

Reality sets back in

I'm officially back in reality mode.  The trip was a nice break from having to think too much, be in crappy weather, and just to take a rest.  Yesterday was my birthday.  Truly, I did nothing and was in a bit of a bitter/dumpy type mood.  I realize this was my choice, so really I have  nothing to complain about.

My original plans had been a dinner date with a new match guy.  We had coffee last week, and it went well.  He had offered to take me out to dinner for my birthday but then never mentioned it over the course of this past week.  As is par for the course job stuff came up, and he pulled out his business card, saying he could help me with my resume.  This guy works for the state but his love is writing, and he has been published in a number of venues, mostly writing entertainment and review pieces.  But still, I thought it was nice that he offered and was not charging me anything.

I sent him my resume, and he basically shredded it apart.  This has nothing to really do with constructive criticism, because I can take that.  It has to do more with not feeling very confident in myself nor knowing what I want to do exactly.  There are jobs out there, but I feel qualified for nothing other than animal-related since I have been doing that for the last 10 years.  My problem lies in that the "contract" I signed holds me at bay from doing anything remotely similar to my previous job.  This makes it difficult to find work.  It makes me seriously think about going back to school, but I worry about financial costs.

On the same token, having all this free time, I thought about attending some dog seminars.  There were a few that were at great prices, but then my dad made me feel all guilty about that since my first priority is obviously finding a job.

Today, reality has really sunk in, and I'm feeling very bummed about everything.  There have been a number of moments where I felt like collapsing into a puddle of tears.  In some ways, I feel like I have no right to complain as so many people around the country are in the same predicament and some for a lot longer than a mere three weeks.  It's just hard to apply for jobs  and know the only thing you can do is wait. 

Visiting the beach--Rehashing the trip part 2

As I mentioned before, I am not much of a beach girl.  I like the sand, the waves, the breeze, the pretty sunsets, the various animal life, but I do not enjoy being or swimming in the ocean.  Luckily, I didn't have to do the latter, just walk along the beach.  It was a cool, breezy day, but nice overall.  We took all the dogs--my dad's and Tovah.  This was the first time for everyone. Bella and Tovah were off leash (first time for both in a public area like this), but Leroy and Daisy were on leash since they do not have good recalls, especially Leroy.

 

Bella, Leroy, and Tovah enjoyed it. 

 

 

Daisy, however, looked like this at beginning heading back towards the car.  But by the end of the hour, she was trotting nicely along Bella.

It was very bizarre, but we found all these starfish washed up on shore.  They appeared dead, though some still moved.  There were many and 

                                                      some stacked upon each other.

 

We also ran into this lovely Borzoi named Yetti.  He absolutely loved me and just kept rubbing his entire wet self on me.  The dogs had a lot of fun with him.  Here they are doing a  group smell, 

                                                     then playing.

 Tovah had the most energy of all of them as evident by this video of her playing in the water.

She also liked to visit the people.

I'll close with some of my favorite photos from this day.

Oh how I miss the sunshine already--Rehashing the trip part 1

I'm finally getting around to posting about my trip. I got in late Tuesday night and was exhausted. It did not help that for the last 3 hours of my trip, it rained. Then, poor Tovah was acting strangely in the car. I couldn't figure out if she was thirsty, hungry, or what. Well, despite having stopped to pee on the last 1 1/2 hours of our trip, she apparently had to really poop. Unfortunately, it was too late, and she made a mess on the cover of the seat. Luckily, that is washable. Tovah never has accidents, so I know she was horrified. She sat huddled in a ball the rest of the way home, not trying to touch any part of excrement. Bad mommy, bad trainer.

Yesterday, I spent the majority of the day recuperating, though I did have an evening dental appt. which did not result well for me. My bridge on the upper right part of my mouth is barely holding on and will need to be replaced (no purging in several years with one exception), I have 3 cavities, and a possible infection under the bridge. I know this has resulted from my horrible inconsistency with flossing. For whatever reason, I am terrible at remembering. I go back in a month for the rest of the cleaning and to fill in the cavities. I always wonder what dental hygienists and dentists think when they see my teeth. Are they horrified? Do they wonder how that could have happened at my fairly young age? They never ask though, it's typically me saying something, though I have not with this dentist whom I've only seen once.

Like I said before, the trip itself went really well. Sitting and driving for 32 hours in a span of 6 days was challenging. My record with long distance driving has not always fared well. It was more just getting through it and not having much memory of it. These days, I handle it much better. I have to attest recovery, more sleep, and having a gps for that. Although the gps did kep wanting me to take this one road to my friend's place in FL. My friend warned me it would do this, and if I went that way, I would get stuck in the sand! I almost did leaving her place but was able to turn myself around.

When I arrived in SC late last Thursday night, here are the dogs who welcomed me. Well, the little white one one wasn't thrilled with either Tovah or me. If you do not know what the breed dog in the first photo is, most do not. She is a Leonberger. Despite some opposition, the breed recently became recognized by the AKC this year and was eligible for Westminister. Bella's littermate and brother, Gulliver, was the one shown at Westminister. If you're wondering why some might be concerned about the AKC recognition, it is because there is a likelihood of the breed becoming more popular which places risk for bad breeding and more puppy mills.

The second photo is Leroy, a Treeing Walker Coonhound. He has a bit of a long story but originally my former co-worker found him and fostered him. Then, my step-brother adopted him which lasted only a few years, then my dad and his wife took him.

The last photo is Dasiy. She is the newest member of their family, only having lived there a year or so. She was apparently kept in a crate with a few dachshunds and bred. Her social skills are lacking and she pretty

much snarled and guarded the toys from Tovah the majority of time while we were there. Though I know what to do to help correct this problem, family is much tougher to get through to. You learn to pick your battles and hope for the best before something awful happens.

Tovah was quite wired from her long nap in the car and kept pulling out toys like these and continuously squeaking them. She pulled out ALL the toys. Daisy was not happy.

Tovah and I left for FL the next day to visit my friend. I got lost and drove around for an hour in the rain but eventually made it there. Her property is beautiful--10 acres fully fenced. On Saturday, she had an aggression workshop. I helped out where I could, listened, observed, and chimed in here and there. It was good to get to see my friend in action.

After the workshop ended, we let Tovah and her dogs go out onto the property. She has Irish Setters and Flat coated Retrievers. They all went into the pond. I wish I had gotten photos of the dogs but it was getting dark.

My friend also has goats living on her property, so the next day I took some photos of them. In this first photo, this goat was really pushy at the fence. Lovable for sure but definitely hogged all the attention. It is very evident in the second picture. My friend said that he was much like his dad and she will likely find a different home for him.

The goats were so funny. They especially loved when their dad came over with the food. They were like a bunch of puppies, baa-baa-ing their way in front of each other. They also liked do do stuff like scratch their butts and backs on the fence as well as their horns.

Then, there were the babies. Now, baby goats, much like baby lambs, are just adorable! You can't but say "Awww." There were three of them. They were a bit shy of strangers. Had I had food, they would have been right at my hand likely. If my friend had more time, she would clicker train them. Goats really excel at clicker training, so hopefully one day she will be able to.

The following day, I watched some of her classes--confirmation, obedience, and agility. She let me have the opportunity to work with Tovah in the class, and that was fun. I was really proud of how she did, especially since she has not been in a class setting for over a year in a half. As my friend said, "she did pretty damn good." It was a nice confidence booster and a good source of inspiration, especially since my friend breeds, shows, competes in obedience, and agility with all nationally ranked dogs.

I so wish my friend wasn't so far away, and that she could offer me a job there. I would absolutely love it, even if it is in FL (mountain girl here), but she is not able to. So as she says, she will have to find more opportunities to bring me down there.

I'm going to end this post here as it is getting long. The next post is about the beach and other stuff.

Heading home

This is going to be a brief post, but I wanted to write at least one from SC or FL. I leave tomorrow to head back home. Overall, it has been really nice. It was a much needed break to just chill, hang out with a good friend, observe some different classes, expose Tovah to some more new things, visit with my dad, and get some good sunshine! In some ways, I wish I could have stayed longer with my dog trainer friend in FL, visit with my dad, see another dog trainer's friend new Belgian Tervuren puppy, but I really do need to get on the road and get back to the grindstone of finding a job. I dread it honestly, but it has to be done.

I'm hoping for an uneventful drive back and am going to listen to What the Dog Saw by Malcolm Gladwell. It's been on my book list for awhile now. On the drive down, I listened to Inside of a Dog by Alexandra Horowitz and Women, Food, and God by Geneen Roth--really liked it and will read the hard back I have at home.

When I get back, I'll have a full report and some pictures as well. Though I'm not a beach person, it was one of my favorite parts of the trip. I loved watching how much fun Tovah had there. This was her first time at a beach as well as being off lead. It was a nice test for recall exercises which she did very well.

I must now go to bed. I have a 10-10.5 hour drive awaiting me.

Road trip

Tomorrow, as long as I can get all my sh$t together, I will be going on a road trip.  I'll be driving to my dad's which is about a 9.5-10 hours drive.  Then, I'll head to FL to visit a friend about 6 hours away.  She is having a dog workshop on Saturday.  I'll head back to my dad's likely Sunday afternoon, and then head back here on Tuesday.  This makes a total of 32 hours of driving over 6 days.  Yikes!  The most amount of driving I have ever done in a day is 12.  I'm a bit  concerned but feel like I can do it.  Here's why:

Over the last few weeks, i.e no job, I have gotten a significant amount of more sleep--think 7-8 hours versus 5 hours (yes, sleep has always been my nemesis).  I've eaten pretty well and have not gone overboard on exercise.  I've only kept to my 2 days of running and walked the dogs more.  Even if I run at my dad's, his weather is much warmer than it is here, so my body would not be acclimated well.

Anyway, my biggest challenge is getting everything together.  My neighbor will take care of 2 of my dogs and Clover (the youngest is going with me)  I worry slightly, but I think if I give her very detailed instructions and go over everything with her, it will be okay.  Hopefully, this time I will not come back to a roundish bunny like last fall when my parents took care of the dogs and Clover (bless them, they tried).

My next posts will be from sunny SC and FL!

Musings on memory and specialness

I've been meaning to write this post for several weeks now and am finally getting around to it. Some of you know that one of my favorite shows is House. On most Saturday nights, my date is House, ie watching the reruns. Occasionally, there will be a quote or scenario that really makes me think. (see "control" and organ transplantation, "let them eat cake," "life is a series of rooms," and "the greater good.") Or better yet, I tell myself, "this will make a good blog post!"

The show was entitled "You must remember this." It was about about a waitress, Nadia, who came in with paralysis of her legs after she falls suddenly. There is nothing different about this woman except for one thing--she has an impeccable memory. She can remember anything from any date. Everyone is impressed, including House.

Later, we find out that the waitress and her sister have been estranged for a long time. The sister comes to be with Nadia. She tries to share memories with Nadia, but Nadia only lashes out at her sister, always finding a reason why that was not a good memory. After several times of this, Nadia's sister leaves. That is, until she learns that Nadia needs a kidney and is persuaded to donate hers.

Nadia's case has yet to be solved, but House wonders whether Nadia will thank her sister. "She claims that she objectively sees reality. Weighing the good and bad in people. If that's true, I don't care how many times her sister borrowed her scrunchy without asking, a free kidney ought to trump all the bad stuff."

Well, it didn't, and Nadia still could not thank her sister.

As the show nears the end, we learn that Nadia also likes jigsaw puzzles and would never leave one unfinished--it would drive her crazy. Houses reasons she has OCD, and that she has McLeod's syndrome, a rare genetic neurological disease in which anxiety and OCD can be a symptom. House tells her, "Best case scenario, you can live another twenty years." Then, he says one of his famous lines, "If it's any solace, everybody dies alone."

Chase comes back into Nadia's room with a bottle of SSRIs, telling her it will help with the OCD. Nadia is only concerned that it would affect her memory. Chase tries to explain that her memory would be like everyone else's. Nadia goes on to say, "My memory is the only thing that has ever made me special." Chase replies with "if you want to be special then it means being alone."

So this episode is a twofold one--the idea that we filter out our memories, rehashing or remembering only the bad stuff and the idea of "specialness."

Lots of us, ED'd or not will at times dwell on things in our lives which may not be the most healthy for us. Take in point last week when I was talking to my dad about work. He felt I kept bringing up my former boss, and he just couldn't understand why I was not able to drop the subject already. I think had I gone on for days and weeks and weeks about it, yes, then, it would be considered dwelling. Or dwelling if I could just not stop talking about it completely, like an obsession. But it's not. I have talked about it extensively with close family and friends--heck I even had a recent dream about it, but I have moved on from it. Will I still wonder, yep. Will I ever get answers? Likely not.

That was the thing for Nadia, she was not able to let go or forgive people. She saw her memory as objective, but it was far from it. Instead, she filtered everything good out from her memories and only remembered the bad stuff. And continuously obsessed on it. And that became what she felt was her true memory.

This is similar to the scenarios of therapists who continuously want to rehash the past My feeling is that there is a time and place for it, and in early recovery, it can help understand why you feel the way you do or how someone else may have felt. Then, when there is a point of acceptance about it, that is when you must move forward and learn what you can do now.

Secondly, a lot of us want to feel special. Truly, we all are--we just never see it at the time. We want a special quality that no one else can do. For many with eating disorders, it is the idea of starvation and thinness. (For me personally, it was the superwoman complex which equated to great grades, functioning on very little sleep and food, and being a part of lot of extracurricular activities and excelling at them.)

Though I don't completely agree with Chase's statement if we relate it to eating disorders--really we aren't alone, there are millions starving, purging, bingeing everyday. But we do feel alone. We feel alone for being different, for having no one else to talk to who relates, for our isolation/our imprisonment in our own minds. And that's truly not a way to live a life.

It's kind of weird when I think about the whole "special" thing. For so long, I've been told I was special. I never believed it though. I mean, it just doesn't count when it is from your parents. But other people would say it too, and would they lie really? Still though, here's what I do know. I don't want to be special for my outward appearances (well okay, being called attractive is kind of nice at times--a recent date told me this), but rather for my inner qualities. I know that sounds hugely clichèish, but it is true. I'd rather be considered kind, compassionate, generous, reliable, hard working, etc. than just pretty.

Did anyone else see this episode? What were your thoughts? How do you view memories? How do you want others to see you?