The last few days have truly been a whirlwind. I have so many big decisions to make/do that it is all terrifying to me. I've learned that no matter whether a transition will be positive or negative, I will still feel stressed and overwhelmed. Up until this point, there was still a feeling of "well, you can always change your mind." Now, there is no turning back, this is really real and going to happen. True, I know there is always the possibility to change my mind, but I really have to force myself to think this way. Otherwise, I will only have self doubts and second guess my decisions.
What I have to remember is this: “The only wrong thing is to do nothing.” This was a quote from the "Greater Good" 100th episode of House said by Dana Miller, a patient who had come to the hospital after collapsing. We find out later that Dana was actually a prominent cancer researcher now turned chef.
When Wilson, House's best friend and an oncology doctor, asks her how she could have left her renowned position as a researcher to be a chef, her simple answer was that she wanted to be happy, that she needed a change in her life. This episode revolves around this theme as all the cast members have to re-evaluate what makes them happy.
For Wilson, his happiness had been swept away by the death of his girlfriend, Amber. He remained stuck, not moving on, keeping the apartment just as it had been from the time she had died, including never washing a mug of hers. By the end of the episode, he decides to make a change and wash the mug.
This is just the condensed version, but it's a good episode, looking at this idea of happiness.
In my own life, I think about happiness quite a lot. It's always been a concept that has just felt out of reach due to my own sabotage and self-esteem. I somehow have this fear that my happiness will never be real, that it will be jinxed if I think I am happy. (illogical thinking I know) I wonder if this change will bring about happiness?
Change is so scary. Everything is new, different, the familiarity gone. Sometimes, I think of my life (or I should say others might describe it this way) as the decision-making process to move a piece on a chess board. There I am waiting, waiting, waiting to make a move, the best move, the right time, the move with the maximum security, the maximum chance at winning, thinking, thinking. But no move at all. I remain stuck there--too afraid, too fearful which way is the right way, the best way, the least scary way, the least disappointing way if something should fail. But at some point, I have to move my chess piece. I have to keep making those decisions to get to the other side of the board and reach "check mate." Because otherwise, I will forever just be sitting there like that chess piece.
Note--*At some point, I'd really like to give more background history. I cannot at this time but have thought in the next several months to make the blog private for a few days. I'd switch back to private and delete those posts. Does this make sense or does that seem stupid?
Recap of House episode