Thursday, August 20, 2009

Change is in the air

The last few days have truly been a whirlwind. I have so many big decisions to make/do that it is all terrifying to me. I've learned that no matter whether a transition will be positive or negative, I will still feel stressed and overwhelmed. Up until this point, there was still a feeling of "well, you can always change your mind." Now, there is no turning back, this is really real and going to happen. True, I know there is always the possibility to change my mind, but I really have to force myself to think this way. Otherwise, I will only have self doubts and second guess my decisions.

What I have to remember is this:
The only wrong thing is to do nothing.” This was a quote from the "Greater Good" 100th episode of House said by Dana Miller, a patient who had come to the hospital after collapsing. We find out later that Dana was actually a prominent cancer researcher now turned chef.

When Wilson, House's best friend and an oncology doctor, asks her how she could have left her renowned position as a researcher to be a chef, her simple answer was that she wanted to be happy, that she needed a change in her life. This episode revolves around this theme as all the cast members have to re-evaluate what makes them happy.

For Wilson, his happiness had been swept away by the death of his girlfriend, Amber. He remained stuck, not moving on, keeping the apartment just as it had been from the time she had died, including never washing a mug of hers. By the end of the episode, he decides to make a change and wash the mug.

This is just the condensed version, but it's a good episode, looking at this idea of happiness.

In my own life, I think about happiness quite a lot. It's always been a concept that has just felt out of reach due to my own sabotage and self-esteem. I somehow have this fear that my happiness will never be real, that it will be jinxed if I think I am happy. (illogical thinking I know) I wonder if this change will bring about happiness?

Change is so scary. Everything is new, different, the familiarity gone. Sometimes, I think of my life (or I should say others might describe it this way) as the decision-making process to move a piece on a chess board. There I am waiting, waiting, waiting to make a move, the best move, the right time, the move with the maximum security, the maximum chance at winning, thinking, thinking. But no move at all. I remain stuck there--too afraid, too fearful which way is the right way, the best way, the least scary way, the least disappointing way if something should fail. But at some point, I have to move my chess piece. I have to keep making those decisions to get to the other side of the board and reach "check mate." Because otherwise, I will forever just be sitting there like that chess piece.

Note--*At some point, I'd really like to give more background history. I cannot at this time but have thought in the next several months to make the blog private for a few days. I'd switch back to private and delete those posts. Does this make sense or does that seem stupid?

Recap of House episode


Gayle said...

Interesting post - I'm too far past the 1/2 point of my life to be making big decisions so I try to find happiness in the little things. Okay, sometimes they're tiny things!

As for your blog, do what works best for you!

Kim said...

I could have written that first paragraph -- I feel exactly like you do. Whether change is good or bad makes no difference to me. I just don't like it. I don't like transitions and acclimating to something new. It makes life somewhat confusing -- I can't tell if I really don't like something or if I'm just uncomfortable with the newness of it. Marriage, for example ;) It's all very related to happiness too. Anxiety about change inhibits my happiness greatly. I can't ever fully embrace a situation or opportunity if I'm worried all the time. And, with decisions, I find I'm always sad, even when choosing something "happy." It's because I feel like by choosing one thing, I'm mourning the loss of another thing. I really think we can only do our best with the information we have now. That's what my therapist says. We put one foot in front of the other, knowing there's no "right" or "wrong" decision; just how we deal with it.

Eating Alone said...

I'm shocked at times about how much I'm like other people. Change is never good. I was paralized for years to the point that I would eat the same thing for every meal, I ate the same thing for lunch for over 1yr at one point. I mean that literally, I would pull in and they would have it ready before I ordered.

And I was never allowed to be happy. If your happy the other side will come by and hit you in the head and then your scre,,, er you get the idea.

I know that it's scarry to put private stuff about yourself out there. I never even thought of going private - change? no sir- but I also never thought anyone would read it either. If you need to do it. It feels very good to get some of the stuff out. And it's really helped me. Do what's right for you and never feel bad about that. You deserve it!

ghost girl said...

i relate to this post so much it is scary.
Change makes me petrified...frozen with fear.

I understand about making the blog private, too. i have taken steps to make mine more anonymous but it is really hard to know where to draw the line.

Do what is best for your peace of mind.

Tiptoe said...

I should clarify my blog wouldn't be private but for more than a few days. I'd just like to write a few posts where I can give background info. It's not that the content is horrible or anything, I'm just paranoid since it involves other people.

Gayle, little things that bring about happiness is good too!

Kim, ahh, we relate a lot. It's true really one decision isn't better than the other, it's just what is in our perspective at the time with the information we have. It's good way of looking at it.

Eating Alone, change is scary. It's sometimes hard to find that happy medium between afraid of being happy and happy. But I think there can be a way. Keep working on it.

Ghost Girl, I think a lot of people can relate and that saddens me. So many of us are creatures of habit that to deviate just throws us for so many loops. I hope you can get past your fears.

Wrapped up in Life said...

Tiptoe, I completely understand your hesitation and fear in putting too much out there. Making your blog priv. to tweak/add/delete a few posts is your right.

It's your blog, and as such, you should feel safe here!