Sunday, July 18, 2010

Possible red flags of dating?

Here's another episode of Tiptoe's latest dating drama. If you are bored with these posts, then feel free to give this a pass.

Since my last post of my FAIL weekend, I haven't had any more awful dating experiences. But then again, I haven't put myself out there much due to my busy work schedule. Except for one case--a guy who winked and e-mailed me on match last month. He is a surgeon a few hours away from me. And yes, I did google him to see if he was legit, and I'm glad to report he is.

He's been different from some of the other match guys. Instead of doing the usual e-mail thing like the majority have, he texted me instead (btw coffee and scrabble guy still texts me occasionally with very bizarre notes--nothing risque, just a bit odd). I found it slightly odd that if he had my number why he didn't just call, but I wasn't going to dismiss him for that. I knew as a surgeon, he was likely a pretty busy guy. Therefore, I asked when a good time would be to chat.

We chatted a bit--he seems like an interesting guy. He loves dogs which is a big plus. We talked about medicine and other common interests. I thought this might be a winner here, or at least eligible for a date or two. Then, he said a bombshell. His brother had passed away 6 months ago out of the blue--apparently was healthy and just keeled over. Naturally, he was still dealing with this and sounded like he was throwing himself into work, working a lot more overtime. But at the same time, he said it made him not want to regret things in life. So okay, he was being honest. It was commendable.

Since my schedule became free this weekend, I asked if he would be in town. It turns out he was visiting some friends nearby, so I told him to give me a ring if he wanted to meet. We met yesterday at a public park square type of place and headed to a Latin-Asian fusion restaurant. The conversation went well overall, with each of us giving more details of our background, etc. Again, this looked a bit promising.

Afterwards, we briefly walked around and looked at some shops. Then, as we were both about to depart (he was exhausted from a long work week), he said that right now he is really depressed with everything--work (he's actually thinking about leaving his group practice), his life, where he is, etc. Immediately, red flags go off in my head. First off, how many people really divulge they are depressed on a first date? Secondly, do I want to be involved with someone who is depressed or better yet found me when he was in a depressed state of mind? This of course is not to stigmatize those with depression. My teens and twenties were depression-induced years, so I certainly know how it feels. It's one of those moments where I ask myself if I want to be in a savior type mode? And truthfully, I don't. I've been there and done that, and it was time-consuming, stressful, and worrisome.

So this leads me to the question, if you see these red flag signs, what would you do? Would you wait to see if he is able to sort it out, then perhaps presume dating? Or would you just nix this possible match all together? I think a part of me would feel really guilty about dumping him since I know how it is to feel rejected--awful!

On a side note, the Latin-Asian dish I had last night was quite tasty. It was a summer salad consisting of greens, avocados, and carrots with a lime cumin vinaigrette. If anyone has any good Latin-Asian fusion recipes, feel free to share.


Sarah said...

First of all, there could NEVER be enough "dating adventures" posts. I live vicariously through my friends' dating lives now that I'm off the market :)

Secondly, I think you are very wise to note this as a red flag. If you enjoyed him apart from that confession, I would go on one or two more dates with him and see how consuming this depression was of your conversations, etc--to sort of gauge, "would he use me as a savior or was he just being honest?" If it gets too consuming or you still feel on edge, then politely tell him you aren't sure it will work out between him but wish him the best. You don't need to be sucked into an unhealthy relationship in the midst of your busy life, but so far he hasn't really shown whether or not he would actually approach your relationship in an unhealthy way. I know my best friend B struggle with ongoing depression and she lets guys know it by the 2nd date just because she feels like it IS a red flag and she wants to test them and see how they could handle it.

Anyway, in conclusion, let your gut be your guide, certainly not anything I say...

Tiptoe said...

Sarah, thanks for the advice as always. :-) The guy is leaving for Hawaii to go on vacation for a week. I'm hopeful that will help rejuvenate him. His words are to "veg" out.

For now, I'll just do a "let's take it one moment at a time" approach.

ola said...

hey Tiptoe, I (as a covard who would never try match etc.) LOVE your dating adventures:)

I don't know how is it in USA, but in Europe 'being depressed' is really misused term. Lot of people say they are depressed when they are in stress or when they are ! week in bad mood. But I think you are sensitive for these issues and you can distinguish between red flags for clinical depression and the other thing.
You are right relationship with someone mentally ill could be very hard, but I would say- give it a chance. I would probably say someone I would date about my ED as soon as possible as well (first date is probably too soon, but well...surgeons are direct people:). Depression is very very common and very good treatable and if there is not something more I think it could work:)
Good luck + congrats to your award!

Tiptoe said...

Hi Ola, depression can be misused here too. Awhile back, researchers felt people were being labeled too much as depressed when they were just "blue."

As for the guy, I'll just have to wait and see. He's in Hawaii right now for vacation. I know he is hoping that will help rejuvenate him, so I'll have to see how he is when he gets back.