Since I'm a little awake right now and just turning on my computer, I thought I'd write a post while I was thinking of it. This past weekend, my mom and her husband came to visit. We had a good time, and I found my mom's husband much more handier than I'd ever thought. The techno guy built shelves for me and knew what parts he needed to get to fix certain items. I really was quite amazed.
On the last night they were here, they wanted to take my boss out to dinner and visit the building. Both were impressed at how large the facility is and how much thought has been placed in it. At dinner, they both kept mentioning how "grateful" that A. offered me this job. It is like they feel like she has freed me from a "bondage" of sorts from my former boss.
Somehow, this makes me feel uncomfortable and like an invisible pressure is placed. Truly, I know they are happy for me, that I have a boss who looks out for me, considers my value, etc. But still, lately, I've been feeling stressed about everything that needs to get done and fear has set in a bit.
I knew when I took this job, it was definitely a risk. It is a start up business, so there is always unpredictability in exactly what will happen. especially in this economy. You always hope the business takes off and just grows from there. I think part of my fear lies in how my boss wants things run, and I'm afraid I won't be able to deliver, that I don't have enough expertise, that I'm going to falter.
Logically, I know these are all probably normal feelings and that even if you want things perfectly, mistakes will be made. It's like dealing with the growing pains of of life, whether it be from growing taller to a changing body to recovery from an eating disorder. It hurts for awhile, but it won't last forever. This is something I've had to remind myself of these last few weeks in both my work and recovery.
I know with work, once things start, I may feel differently and realize that the pressure I think is there is really invisible. I know in recovery, that even if I feel like I'm at a standstill right now, that as long as I continue to keep myself stable, consistently eat even if that means on a more mechanical basis than intuitive, that that's going to help in the end