Besides seeing these friends with children, my friend, the physical therapist S., who has unknowingly challenged me on foods, is also pregnant and due in July. I'm happy for her since creating a family is important to them.
Then, as I left for work the other day, I noticed a banner on my neighbor's door. Since their house is down from the road, I couldn't get a close look, but the lettering was big enough for me to read which is surprising since I'm myopic! The banner read: IT'S A GIRL!
My first emotion was thrill for them. My second was "M. was pregnant?" Third, I thought, "this was a baby, right?" And lastly, I wondered whether I should go down there and congratulate them or offer to babysit sometime.
The funny thing about this is that really out of the five or so years they have been living there, I've only spoken to them a handful of times. Most have been on my times out running, and once was at the fitness center where I felt horribly embarrassed not even recognizing my neighbor.
Then, the most headlining birth recently has been the octuplets. I happened to catch part of the interview this morning on the Today show. This birth is already so controversial, and everyone has an opinion. What I find interesting about this is how flippant the media becomes once we've learned the details of this woman's life. This Time piece points it out well.
Okay, so I'm getting a tad off topic. What does this have to do with me? The idea of children has always been a wavering factor for me. There were times in my life where I said no way to children. Other times, I wanted to keep my "superwoman" status, thinking that I could be a successful career woman, fall in love, be married, have children, and all the other positive things that go along with starting a family.
Then, the ED hit, and I just didn't want kids anymore period, thinking why would I even want to bring a child into the world with the way it is? As I've gotten older, my thoughts have changed somewhat--that the option to start a family is not completely ruled out. However, now, I just have the horrible fear that I'd pass on eating disorder genes to my offspring, that I'd be an awful mother, that I'd panic too much or get depressed, or that I would just get overwhelmed and lose it.
I feel in some ways the only plus in having children for me is that (and I know this is going to sound kind of silly), by having trained dogs, I understand behavior better. This certainly doesn't mean I'd apply every single animal technique I know to a child, but just that with some behaviors, there are similarities. And most of all, my patience in general is a whole lot better, even though I still fear becoming too overwhelmed.
I really don't know why I'm necessarily having these thoughts. Maybe raising Tovah is bringing about this thinking? Maybe, in some other way, despite all my fears, I think perhaps (and deeply embedded I may add) I have something worthwhile to pass along?
*Note: I should also add that adoption would be considered as well, though even with that, that has its own issues as well.