Saturday, July 4, 2009

The parallels of ED and sleep thinking

I know I wrote about sleep in my last post, but I have a few other thoughts. For me, my relationship with sleep is similarly parallel to the ED. Here is an example of ED/sleep dialogue which has dominated my thinking at various times:

ED
I really don't need that much food. I can get by on X calories just fine.

Eating too much food will just cause me to get fat.

I don't need to eat.

SLEEP
I really don't need that much sleep. 4-5 hours is sufficient.

Sleeping too much will make me fat and unproductive.

I don't need sleep.

Obviously, all of these statements are illogical, black and white thinking. Although I am able to see that now, sleep is still one of the hardest issues for me. Part of it is due to years of intentionally depriving myself of sleep. Another part is habitual. Yes, I dare it, but the Internet probably keeps me up too much. I've heard that your brain has to really focus on those pixels which just keeps you awake (unless you do indeed crash at the computer--a tell tale sign, you're not getting enough sleep)

Much like the ED, my thoughts and behaviors about sleep sway back and forth between knowing the health implications and having too much of a
laissez-faire attitude. It's like never exactly allowing myself to reach a full potential, but instead just enough to tiptoe by...until the next major blow.

Sorry for the downer kind of post. I don't think my head is in such a good spot lately. :-(

2 comments:

Sylvia said...

Oh my gosh, I'm struggling with this exact same thing at the moment with sleep. For me it's almost like a placeholder for not eating, because I'm in recovery, but in some weird, messed up way, I feel like I'm still depriving myself of something... and it's kind of a comfort. It has got to the point where I'm almost incapable of lying in bed doing nothing.

Anyway, just wanted to say that I know what you mean - thanks for putting it out there, and I hope it gets easier for you :-)

Tiptoe said...

Sylvia, so sorry you are going through this too. I hope we can both learn to value sleep and remember we do need it. Much luck to you.