Saturday, July 4, 2009

Another example of the skewed view of my body

Just when I was about to write a post about how I was struggling with body image and that perhaps I was at my set point, something bizarre happened yesterday. Here's a little back story. Within the past month or so, I've been having terrible neck pain. It's like my neck would rather be disconnected to my head right now as the weight of it feels so heavy. This is causing some headaches which I know is stemming from my neck pain. Along with this, I've also had several incidents of my left hand having numbness, especially after weed eating or dremeling my dogs' nails. Several times, I've woken up to a numb hand. I have no clue what has precipitated either of these things, and it has me a tad worried.

My doctor thinks it is just a pulled muscle in my neck and that my muscle in my arm is basically suffocating my medial nerve. She's hoping with physical therapy that will help release the muscle over the nerve in my hand which will help my neck as well. Though I know PT is expensive (and it is on an individual plan), I really don't have a choice since this really could get worse if I don't have treatment. (
Hmm, I'm just thinking of the irony as I write this--how something physical with my body can prompt me to get help so quickly but when it is my head or ED, it takes me forever to seek treatment)

Anyway, that's the back story of why I was there. This Dr. doesn't know about the ED (yes, I know that probably isn't the best thing but I just never felt warranted to say anything since I only see her for orthopedic, muscle problems in relation to running). Being weighed is the first thing they do. At times, I've politely asked not to be, but other times, I hop on there out of curiosity.

Well, the last few weeks have been absolutely horrible body image. I was sure I'd gained more weight than I'm comfortable with since my exercising habits have been virtually non-existent (I realize this can be a good thing at times) and my eating has felt on the verge of
bingeing.

The scale read much
differently than I'd expected, and I was shocked. My only comment that would have even referenced this was my therapist's when she said how "I looked smaller," which I only brushed off to having my hair in a ponytail. So this number doesn't make sense to me. I've been eating A LOT, not exercising, my clothes don't feel any differently, and I have felt absolutely huge.

I don't know how to feel about it. Do I feel better that I'm not at the weight I thought I was? Do I feel worse that I still have such skewed body image and that my brain and body are still so
disconnected?

4 comments:

midoriliem said...

I have this problem too, though my weight gain has been really, really slow (5 kg in a year)...when I see myself as skinny, is that because I'm improving (often through good nutrition) or have I really lost weight? When I see myself as having gained weight or heavy, have I really gained weight or am I moving backwards in the recovery process (often through not eating well)? Perhaps you saw yourself as heavier because you need many more calories than you are getting now (for whatever reason)...

Tiptoe said...

Midorilliem, you ask good questions--ones I've thought about many times. I'm not sure, and I think this is where the body skewness comes in and the uncertainty of never being sure.

Perhaps, my body is saying something more than I'm willing to see. :sigh: Hard to know for sure.

Lissy said...

was there any part of you that secretly knew you hadn't gained and that, in fact, you'd (perhaps?) actually lost?

i ask, because that was sometimes my experience.

hope your pain improves! ouch

Tiptoe said...

Lissy, I think there may have been a part of me that thought I had not gained weight (though a miniscule part), but not in losing weight. Really, I was quite surprised since activity level has been much lower.