Last Thursday, I managed to destroy my cell phone. Nope, I didn't drop it despite the many times that's happened. I somehow managed to flip my phone into the remnants of my bowl of noodles I'd had for dinner that night. By this point, there was only the liquid portion left. I immediately got the phone, tried cleaning and wiping it off. It looked okay, but about 30 minutes later when I checked my phone, there was a voice mail from my father. I tried to check it but heard nothing. I tried all those things like taking the battery out, turning it on/off, etc. Nope, nothing. Then the phone began to read carkit. Hmm, I really didn't know what that meant other than something to do with the car. Then I began hearing crinkly noise which kind of suggested it probably short circuited.
The next day, I turned it on and got about 10 seconds of audio, but then it went back to silence. I took it into the verizon store where they cleaned it, but again to no avail. I was pretty bummed as I really liked that phone. I was ineligible for a new phone since I'd only had that one since June and no insurance. I ended up purchasing a Samsung phone from one of the reps' personal stock. I wasn't happy paying the $115 but knew I needed something. I could just imagine Murphy's Law happening to me since my cell is the only phone access I have.
I've had the new phone since then and hate it. It's perfectly workable, but I miss my speaker phone. Yeah, kind of shallow I know. Who knew I'd be so devoted to my other phone. So against the advice of the reps, I went on ebay yesterday to check out phones. I was amazed at how many there were. I found one I wanted to bid on. There were 0 bids 4 hours before the auction ended. 20 minutes before the auction was over, there were 17 bids! I couldn't believe it. Everyone waited until the last minute. At the end, after 22 bids, someone won the auction with a price of $56 not including s/h. I surfed some more and found a different phone. It wasn't the exact same model or brand new, but looks to be good. I checked the feedback ratings which was overall positive.. I purchased that phone for $26 plus s/h and insurance. I'm hoping it gets here on Thurs., because that's the last day I can return the other phone. I'm taking a gamble here, but I'm hoping luck will be in my favor for once with cell phones. The last 4 years, I've just had crappy luck with them. Everything from dropped calls/bad reception to messages I couldn't erase to corrosion.
So things I've learned from this:
Never have your cell phone near any water or liquid substance.
On the up side of things, I still have the now defunct old phone and can use it as a "dummy" phone to train my dogs to get the phone. No wait a minute, Baxter already does that!
I reread my post from yesterday and realized how depressing it was. I really don't come off as being depressed to most people, and it's only a handful of people who can even recognize when I am. So after about 7.5 hours of sleep, I woke up feeling better and ready for a new day. After coffee and feeding my three dogs, I went to processing all the veggies for the dogs. Yep, they do get vegetables and fruits daily as well as raw meat and supplements too. Some people I'm a little nuts for going to all this work for my dogs when I could just open a bag of super premium dog food. I guess I get a little piece of mind knowing for sure exactly what goes into my dogs' meals. They definitely have the proof that they are in very good health, and I hope to keep them that way.
The rest of today, I'm hoping to finish up some cleaning and go for a long run. It's been a week or so since I've done that. My last run ended up in pure, cold rain, and that didn't do much for clearing the head. Today is' beautiful clear and cool. Besides, I often see some cool stuff when I'm out there. Nature has a great way of providing some escape. Let's just hope there are not any loose dogs out there. Running in the country, it's a risk I take unfortunately, but at the same time, there is much splendor too.
Lately, I've been feeling like I don't fit in anywhere, that I'm not that good at anything. Sure, I have a lot of interests, seem to be good at some things but not what I'd call an expert. Even in those areas that I may feel like I do have more knowledge than the average "Joe," people seem to get upset with me for offering advice. So I've decided not to offer advice anymore on that topic.
Right now, I'm feeling like I'm between living and existing, hence the title of the blog. I know I'm not truly "living." My dad asks me all the time, "are you happy?" I never really know what to say. I want to be able to say I'm happy and fulfilled and that life is great, but it really isn't. Am I content, paralyzed with fear, or too comfortable? I'm trying to figure out those fears and combat them, but constantly feeling like you are unable to achieve those things everyone wants, thinks, and feels you should do is hard. It should be about what I want, but I really don't know what that is or whether I'm capable of anything anymore. I feel it has come to a state of fearing to try.
I've also been attempting recovery from an eating disorder for a long time. There are times when I just don't think I'll really ever get there and that maybe this is as good as it gets. Many times I want to deny the whole disorder as I never fit into the box, i.e. someone who lost a drastic amount of weight, purged multiple times a day, or ran endless miles. I know that doesn't matter and these are just mere characteristics. We all suffer. I know I no longer am in that "existence" state of when I was completely in the throes of an ED. I no longer feel as numb as I used to, but at the same time, feeling hurts.
I look at people all around me and how they are accomplishing this or that and moving on with their lives while I remain "stuck" in what feels like a prison of a deep, dark hole. I want to see the sunlight and know something is really there for me to grasp. In my mind, I have the knowledge it exists somewhere if only I can believe.
This blog is my attempt at putting my feelings out there with no judgment. Although much is devoted to me and what is going on in my life, I also like discussion on recent topics of interest in mental health, psychology, medicine, natural health, and animals. I try to keep up to date on current research to know what is out there.
Hope you enjoy getting to know me.
