Lately, I've been feeling like I don't fit in anywhere, that I'm not that good at anything. Sure, I have a lot of interests, seem to be good at some things but not what I'd call an expert. Even in those areas that I may feel like I do have more knowledge than the average "Joe," people seem to get upset with me for offering advice. So I've decided not to offer advice anymore on that topic.
Right now, I'm feeling like I'm between living and existing, hence the title of the blog. I know I'm not truly "living." My dad asks me all the time, "are you happy?" I never really know what to say. I want to be able to say I'm happy and fulfilled and that life is great, but it really isn't. Am I content, paralyzed with fear, or too comfortable? I'm trying to figure out those fears and combat them, but constantly feeling like you are unable to achieve those things everyone wants, thinks, and feels you should do is hard. It should be about what I want, but I really don't know what that is or whether I'm capable of anything anymore. I feel it has come to a state of fearing to try.
I've also been attempting recovery from an eating disorder for a long time. There are times when I just don't think I'll really ever get there and that maybe this is as good as it gets. Many times I want to deny the whole disorder as I never fit into the box, i.e. someone who lost a drastic amount of weight, purged multiple times a day, or ran endless miles. I know that doesn't matter and these are just mere characteristics. We all suffer. I know I no longer am in that "existence" state of when I was completely in the throes of an ED. I no longer feel as numb as I used to, but at the same time, feeling hurts.
I look at people all around me and how they are accomplishing this or that and moving on with their lives while I remain "stuck" in what feels like a prison of a deep, dark hole. I want to see the sunlight and know something is really there for me to grasp. In my mind, I have the knowledge it exists somewhere if only I can believe.
This blog is my attempt at putting my feelings out there with no judgment. Although much is devoted to me and what is going on in my life, I also like discussion on recent topics of interest in mental health, psychology, medicine, natural health, and animals. I try to keep up to date on current research to know what is out there.
Hope you enjoy getting to know me.